Umpire Pants

Van Morrison vs. Van Halen. Superbowl Halftime. Arnold Palmers. Mary tries to buy a Real Change. Old movies. Doughboys Podcast update. Click-bait websites. We should force old male comics into retirement. Bill has a Ned Flanders neighbor. Kelley’s elevator issues. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: English Muffin Pizzas. [I had to cut out a few seconds coming back from the break, there was a weird glitch there.] Bill recaps some Carnac jokes from Johnny Carson. Mary gets mad when we suggest she has an accent. Kelley’s Heart On Valentine. Kelley’s Hint List! Ironing rayon. Gooch talk. Removing water spots from waxed furniture. Cleaning and oiling your sewing machine. Cleaning silver. Pilot light efficiency. Painting your radiator. Fixing chipped glasses with sandpaper. Making a clothespin hanger. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill and Kelley are going to see the Doughboys. Ezelle’s Chicken. KFC. Getting kicked out of diners and fender benders. Kelley’s not a gravy gal. Adding rosemary to berries is great, guys. Mary’s claiming we’re doing the waffle challenge still. Local flooding and dumb rich people. Nextdoor. Singing in the Rain. The downtown waterfront smells like farts right now. Kelley has a blazer update. Jumpsuits and catalogs. Kelley’s comfy clothing quest. Thrift store shopping. Kelley spills a drink mid-show and panics. Gratuitous boobs, and the racist portrayal of black neighborhoods/cities, in 80s movies. We discuss Seattle Times Rant and Raves. None of us finished Great Expectations. Bad plastic packaging of the week: Toilet seat plastic. Spice Drop Challenge. Beat You to the Punchline! Kelley’s Hint List! (Feel free to note our numbers and send us corrections this week – we fucked up.) Getting curtain ties even. Make used linoleum into placemats. Fixing tears in pants. Cleaning venetian blinds. Use wax on linoleum. Cleaning playing cards. Cleaning white furniture. Umpire Pants Out!

We're calling 2020 Score Score now. High fevers. Legalizing drugs. Seattle got rid of library fines. Mary's pissed she had to change her Netflix password. Kelley's Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Mary thinks locking her door is hard. Smoke alarms and vent hoods. Mary's Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Old dude carefully curating his grapes at the grocery store. Shout out to the striking medical workers in Seattle – and don't cross picket lines! Three-packs of porno mags. Bad plastic packaging of the week: fruits and vegetables. Mary is claiming Red Delicious apples are no longer sold in stores. Bill's working on his apple standup. You're a monster if you don't like Dolly Parton. Eye doctors. Our dad drove off Union Hill Road (as a passenger). Beat You To The Punchline! Kelley’s Hint List! Getting lime deposits out of your tea kettle. Repairing your crockery. How to deal with old collars. Using old dresses as slips. Check doors for warping when house shopping. Makeshift a foot scraper. Umpire Pants Out!

Please read the warning at the end before finishing this episode. Throat noises and George Carlin. Mary is high again. Richard Pryor and old comedy. Airplane food and snacks. Wearing shoes indoors. Wearing sweatpants instead of jeans, to be fancy. The pains of wearing glasses and why Google sucks now. American health insurance. Tooth repairs and getting faint. Seattle Times segment – Rant and Rave and Comments Section. Bill's embarrassing yoga story (it's NOT farts, guys). W.C. Fields movies. The XFL is coming to Seattle. Hat talk. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Seam Rippers. Kelley's Hint List! Cleaning stained wood floors. Fixing scratches in wood. Clean your attachments (vacuum). How to open a new book. Growing a sweet potato vine (listener challenge time!).

END OF EP WARNING – I put in a short selection of things I cut out of the show. It's not pleasant. TURN IT OFF AT UMPIRE PANTS OUT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR MOUTH NOISES! -Kelley

Bill’s back! Fruitcake update: Kelley was right. Cheap bulk candy. Old Redmond. Porn theaters and mags. Snow in the PNW. Mary hates goats and likes dogs in shoes. Bad Plastic Packaging Segment: Putting your bag of carrots in a bag and legal weed packaging. Mary’s going to start asking people “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Hack jokes. Bad TV. We’re Turtle Penis now. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Bobby Flay whips his egg whites for waffles. Low-rise jeans sucked balls. Beat You to the Punchline – wow, that didn’t go well! Kelley’s Hint List! Cleaning glazed wall tiles. Install a heat regulator. Brush and vacuum your coats. Painting you gold and silver slippers. Avoid too much heat with aluminum cooking utensils. Tire pressure hints. Umpire Pants Out!

This track didn't change, I just fixed the title! It's a Kelley & Mary show! And the show notes did not make it with onto my thumb drive for uploading the show. We talked about couches, balls, the royal family, and some other stuff, then ended the show with Kelley's Hint List. Umpire Pants Out!

It’s our Taking of the Pelham 123 episode. Was Walter Matthau ever hot? (Today’s show pic.) Everyone listen to Hoyt Axton. Kelley’s couch problem. Mary has a coughing fit and her children aren’t very sympathetic. Ikea shopping. Hotdogs vs. wieners. Grizzly Adams was a real guy, you guys. Dave Barry, again. Pictionary challenge. LED lights and starting seeds. Beat You to the Punchline. Kelley’s Hint List! Rotate your floor coverings. Bill tried vacuuming his rugs diagonally, and it went ok! George Foreman and the GoFo. Use car wax on your furniture. Adjusting your choke. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill ruins the illusion about our recording time. Napping habits. Bad plastic packaging of the week. Recycling. Mary’s Costco story. The softer side of Sears campaign. Mary’s trying to pretend she’s not high. Mary lays down some ranching rules and guidelines. We read a good Seattle Times comment. Kelley passes on a very gross story. Horror movies. Bill loves CHiPs, Kelley loves Banacek, and Mary thinks she loves Miami Vice. Chaperoning the Ski Bus. Kelley’s Hint List! Make your own cleaner for painted furniture. Up your sachet game. Using empty lipstick tubes, and refrigerating nail polish. Umpire Pants Out!

It’s a rainy one here in Seattle, folks! Mary had a bad attitude about a free hotel stay. Bad plastic packaging. We name our future banana tarantula. We have an email from the other side of the waffle/egg white aisle, and now we have to have a waffle-off. Mary breaks down her non-love of pitbull. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Winter Solstice – Days are getting longer. Classic country. Bill’s got a great Nextdoor message to read. Shock talk. Beat You to the Punchline! Using English muffins as a hamburger bun. Eating too much weed. Kelley’s Hint List! Mary starts with a terrible Reader’s Digest hint. Using asbestos for energy efficiency. Motor operated draft regulator on your coke furnace. Fixing torn raincoats. Umpire Pants Out!

We’re off to a rough start. Mary’s love of AM/PM hamburgers. The Mariners should do Hibachi Night to boost attendance. Mary still hates Saturday Night Live. Everyone listen to Til Death do us Blart. We need to watch Judge Dread. Our family does not know The Muffin Man. Pitbull talk. Radio commercials are still terrible. Mary is trying to claim she hasn’t seen The Grinch who Stole Christmas before. Tires and tire stores. Pinesol and Listerine cure all. Kelley’s Hint List! Removing indelible pencil. Fixing leaky faucets. Check you battery fluid weekly. Soaking your clothes in suds. We end with three fern hints, and some of this stuff is wild! Umpire Pants Out!