Umpire Pants

Nard Jones and the gang are back! Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Doing stretches. Bill invented a hotdog bed. Remember to start your cars if you’re not driving right now. Bill can’t buy tabs for his vehicles. What are we all eating? Virginia VPN update. Mary talks shit about Corgis. Geese are scary. Break for a very confusing bit by Kelley. Push-up update. Bill’s into senior body builders. Open containers and weed in public. Rants and Raves. Comic strips. Having kids when you’re Tony Randall’s age. Kelley’s Hint List! Restring your beads – they’re not just gimmicks! Foliage plants vs. flowering plants. Heat your garage to 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Umpire Pants Out!

Happy 420 Monday, everyone! We’re here remotely again and I did a bad job taking notes, but here goes… Corona virus and politics. Our new cocaine smuggling plan and weed documentary. Watch McMillions. Mary tries to tell us about an NPR story, but it doesn’t go well. Shopping and walking around in masks. Furbaby shirts for mother’s day. What will Mary cut corners on in the kitchen? Grating cheese. RIP Kenny Rogers. Kelley’s Hint List! Patent leather repeat. Use bluing flakes right in your washer. Removing starch from your iron. Umpire Pants Out!

We’ve got a long boy for you this week. Mr. T Ate My Balls. We get back in to Dave Barry talk, once again. Sorry, we’re a Dave Barry podcast now. Taint talk. Bill’s cat was making a bean bag nest under the stairs. Spiders in the kitchen and bathroom. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Birds singing in the City. Kelley and Mary did some baking. Rough start back from the break. Handwashing and long fingernails. Bill and Mary actually argue about Umpire Pants. Beat You to the Punchline! Mary’s bent about waffles. Kelley’s Hint List! Muffins with shortening. Handwriting talk. Thimble hint. Use bluing on fading black garments. Umpire Pants Out!

The gang’s back together! But remotely, so of course we have to apologize for our audio. We’ll work on our mics before next week. Happy Birthday Bill! Bill’s family got a dog named Max. Bill claims he’s growing a beard. Making face masks at home. Supply chains, and shopping during a pandemic. Garbage and litter. Kelley’s too fragile to watch Tiger King. Movie talk – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Back to the Future III. Kelley moved away from her terrible neighbor but is still taking revenge suggestions, so email us. Eagle talk. Trump sucks major balls. Kelley’s Hint List! Use warm water for sprinkling your ironing. Inflating car tires. (Kelley accidentally stopped recording here, and we pick up with Mary’s story about a Car Talk caller.) Don’t hang your clothes outside in freezing or super hot weather. Umpire Pants Out!

We’re all socially distancing like good boys and girls, so this week Kelley forces her husband Herman to join the show. We moved to a new apartment with a lot more action out the windows. Shout out to Governer Inslee for doing a good job. We talk about Mary being nuts during our Stay at Home Order. Electric Youth perfume. An episode of Chopped lead to a disturbing search result (BTW, I meant Etsy, not Pinterest during this topic). Kelley’s Hint List! Removing water stains from silk. Keeping patent leather nice. Make your own soap jelly. Cleaning lampshades. How to be efficient while driving. Making your own starch. Umpire Pants Out!

Kelley is moving and Bill is socially distancing like a good boy, so we aren’t recording a new one this week. We didn’t want to leave you high and dry during this difficult time, though, so we’re giving you a new clip show! Please share with your friends who haven’t listened yet, but keep in mind, Kelley put it together, so course it’s full of dick jokes. We hope it brings you a pleasant break and that everyone is holding up okay! XOXO – Mary, Bill & Kelley

Ya’ll ready for Ernst? We recorded this a week ago, so our Corona Virus takes might be very wrong. We need to take a tone deaf test for Mary. Bone Apple Tea situations. Tea Baggin’ (Mary’s favorite segment that she named). Saturday Night Live best cast members. Is everyone capable of murder? How long can Mary keep up a cheerful podcast. Close Encounters, Jurassic Park, and Jaws should all be revisited. Mary and Herman know the weirdest movies. Bill’s Toyota is for sale. Twinkie cereal. Mochi donuts. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Martha Kelly on Baskets (Kelley’s choice) and the game Animal Crossing (Felix’s choice). Women aren’t funny? Kelley rips up some paper directly into the microphone in preparation for Beat you to the Punchline! Kelley’s Hint List! Removing mildew from books. Prevent the wall from absorbing your radiator heat. Fold buttons under before running through the wringer. Taking care of linoleum floors. Umpire Pants Out!

We’re making this podcast a conference call. Bill suggests Cocaine Blues over New Cut Road. The Corona Virus. Three Stooges Style slapping. Seasoning cast iron. A focus group wants to know who Mary would have dinner with, alive or dead. Arby’s talk. Kelley emailed her local politicians. Meeting up with friends without cell phones. Dudley P. Nut vs. Chester P. Nut. Mary needs a witch’s cauldron. Bad jokes. Shit List of the Week: Driving your Lambo too slow. Mary gave strangers directions. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Friday Night Dinners (it’s on Hulu). Beat You to the Punchline! Kelley’s Hint List! Cleaning gilt frames. Wash your clothespins in salt water. Cleaning your bookshelves. Getting sugar syrup out of your clothes. How to fix sticking waffles. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill’s not here today so we’re doing a shorty. The Seattle Monorail. Fire alarms and getting stuck in elevators. Corona Virus and hand washing. New segment alert! Introducing Tea Bagging (Mary named it). Kelley’s springy walk downtown. Mary’s graffiti solution. Mary’s going to lift weights so she can cook. Non-stick cookware and cast iron. Kelley’s Hint List! Fixing scuffed shoes. Paint faded rugs. Removing road oil or axel grease. Use a cold wet rag for waxing floors. Have an expert inspect roofs. Keep baking soda dry. Umpire Pants Out!

Lunchtimes. Lily is here. Bill forgot his catchphrase last week. We talk Rant and Raves from the Seattle Times. Dog-earring pages. Damaging books. Defrosting fridges. We're selling our liberal tears now. Dry skin and lotion. Mary gets grossed out by ear wax, but her earbuds are gross. Things get gross as we talk about grossing each other out. Herman made us cookies using Chic-O-Sticks. We're getting family tattoos of Chester P. Nut. Mr. Peanut and Tide. School parking lot craziness. Another glitch coming back from the break, had to cut some stuff out. Beat You to the Punchline! Kelley is struggling. Reader's Digest has repeated a joke! We tell some golf related jokes. Kelley's Hint List! Paint your teen's shoes. Lining cloth shields for coat underarms. Sand bottoms of shoes to make them nonslip. Wash your rhinestones in gasoline. Umpire Pants Out!