Umpire Pants

Bill’s back! Waffle update – Bill doesn’t think you need to fold in egg whites. “If it has more than one part, it’s a machine.” Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pumpkin Pie French Toast. Pizza Talk with Doug and Jim. Kelley likes mist on her eyeballs #weteyes. The Space Needle no longer has a restaurant. Bill’s next birthday is 4/4/2020 and he’s getting extra high. What’s the worst plastic packaging? Beat You to the Punchline! Kelley’s Hint List! Removing auto grease. Give your veils new life. Plunging your sinks. Iron your pattern before cutting fabric. Figure out if your furniture will fit in your new house. Paint your rugs with rubber to make them non-slip. Remove stains with cornmeal. Stick to a switching plan for your tires. Umpire Pants Out!

Mary and Kelley are here, and they are not doing a great job podcasting. Christmas cookies. Junior Mint follow-up. Shit Truck of the Week: Black Friday. Mary’s running an apothecary, and has an interesting fact about sarsaparilla. Demolition Man review. Is Mary going to start calling her legs Happy Stumps? Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Reverend Al’s Shrub drink. Kelley’s Hint List: Removing adhesive tape marks. Sweetening your coffee and iced tea. Folding your napkins and tablecloths for longer life. Fluffing the nap on your coat. Knot your stained clothes. Be exact with baking powder. Ironing non-colorfast clothes. Waffle baker tips. Laundering candlewick bedspread. Removing butter stains. Makeover your date dress. Umpire Pants Out!

Kelley was sick today but Bill went to Mary's and recorded anyway. You know what that means: bad sound quality! Too much serious talk! Bill didn't listen to the episode before he uploaded it! The title is something Bill thinks he remembers saying but isn't positive!

P.S. This one's a day late because I edited and uploaded it, then didn't click OK or Save or whatever. I'm killin' it over here!

Felix starts off the show creeping out the neighbors. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Stroganoff (Bill's going with Chicken, not beef). Taco Bell. Corporate donations. We don’t understand soccer, and Kelley is wildly confused by the formatting of hours and minutes in the game. Bill, Felix and Lily gang up on Kelley to gross her out with poo talk. Kelley’s going to start asking people if they need directions, and Bill and Lily think this requires a stinky costume. Street scams. Beat You to the Punchline! Ripley’s Believe it or Not. Evolving attitudes on animal rights. Kelley’s Hint List. We’re a mess starting off! Repairing upholstery with tape. Check your bearings regularly. Check your neckline. How to keep your fruits evenly distributed in cakes. Cover your mattresses. Ice Cream Truck of the Week 2: Putting nacho cheese on hotdogs and hamburgers. Using moth balls hint. Weatherproofing your house using the weirdest worded hint ever. Use wax on your linoleum. Umpire Pants Out!

We’re recording at Mary’s condo without Mary, and for some reason it smells like weed. Eating with braces. Coffee grinder update from Bill – it’s Braun brand, guys. Diskmans and cassettes. It’s dark in Seattle. Mary’s choice of lunch bag for the airplane. Kelley saw snakes and baby monkeys in Costa Rica. (Note – I remembered the reason they said they don’t release the snakes raised for anti-venom is that they can have bacteria that can harm wild snakes.) Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Snorkeling while high. Mary has a bat update. Ice cream and 3 Musketeers. Beat You to the Punchline. Kelley’s Hint List! Hanging trousers. Use old flannel for potholders. Waterproofing your shoes at home. Cleaning paint brushes. Flush your car radiator twice a year. Using cocoa instead of chocolate in recipes. Umpire Pants Out!

Mary comes in hot, and by hot we mean high. Jaywalking and Seattle’s terrible traffic. Mary thought Patton Oswalt was two guys, Pat and Owswalt. Preliminary Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Zach Galifinakas’ Live at the Purple Onion show. Bill hates Dr. Seuss. Trashy novels. Scams and grafters. Bill loves Designing Women. Sales pitches. Camping. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Bill’s long-lasting Krupps coffee grinder. Shit List of the Week: Take-out containers and packaging. Beat Me to the Punchline – Kelley pulls ahead! Kelley’s Hint List! Renew brass and copper. Replace worn and slack belts. Storing rubber boots. Umpire Pants Out!

Kelley's out of town, so we're re-running Episode 58 - an instant classic! Show pic this time is a pumpkin by Kelley.

It's our Halloween episode, Bill got a sound board, Mary doesn't like Halloween, yo-yo routine scarecrow, Mary gets a phone call, turds, people not liking you, parties, bobbing for apples, costumes, Blues Brothers, gypsy (roma), wizard, princess, topical costumes, clown, food coloring face, candy, cat costume, pumpkins, we have a breakthrough, contest, Best of So Far, soup, souvenir, statue, Break, Canadian taste or test: hickory sticks, all dressed chips, taco chips, Puyallup fair, Umpire Pants Out!

Which 3 Stooges guy are we? Smart Kids classes. Horses. Cyber bullying. Correction, Lowell George and Lol Cream clarification. Bill had a weird day. We’re re-releasing last year’s Halloween episode, but don’t get sad, we’ll be back soon. Mary’s going to small claims court. Bill mansplains Starwars Jizz. We don’t have attention spans anymore. Ikea meatballs and exotic meats. Kelley wants to die at an ostrich’s hand. Foods you didn’t like until you tried them again. Pudding talk. Shit List of the Week: Columbus Day. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The Downtown H-Mart finally opened in Seattle; The Kinks. Kelley made hum bao for the first time. Beat You to the Punchline! Kelley’s Hint List! Where to keep your piano. Fireplace care. Make your own biscuit mix. Keep facial tissue in your bathroom. Umpire Pants Out!

It’s one for the 12s. Bill’s office has no AC, and it’s getting stinky. Mushrooms and mushroom hunting. Cat update. Bill has a new podcasting sweat suit. We’ve changed up our format a bit. Jean Hackman (was not on 30 Rock it turns out). Our 95 year old Aunt Mary just learned anyone can put anything on the internet. Koko the gorilla and All Ball. Musicals and the Parent’s Guide’s over-reaction to Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Marching band music. Ice Cream Truck of Week: Candy Corn. (I can’t believe we all agree on this one); and Spicy Vitamin Water. Apple sauce and cider talk. Beat You to the Punchline! The Big Bopper. Kelley’s Hint List: When to plant your ‘truck garden.’ Zipping up molasses cookies. Making your own jewelry cleaning solution. Bill tries to gross out Kelley with great success. Umpire Pants Out!

Germaphobes in our family. Mouse balls. Dumb joke formats. Using LOL. Mary’s texting skills. Snow days. Words for rain and snow. Calling hot links donkey dicks. Small cake hint follow-up. Mary and Kelley went on a road trip. Beat You to the Punchline! The XFL. Shit List of the Week: Mary derailing the podcast and improper use of the word legit. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pumpkin Season. Giving directions when you don’t know street names. Kelley’s Hint List! Washing stockings. Wooden-ware care. Plump your raisins in water. Umpire Pants Out!