Umpire Pants

Did we start beef with Mr. Curtis James Jackson III? We’re pretty tired of wearing masks, but glad Bill doesn’t have to shave in the bathroom at work. Mary doesn’t think The Rock is handsome or charismatic! Mary tries to talk Bridgerton with people who don’t watch it. We talk way too long about a terrible dog grooming show. The Mariners Home Opener happened, and we remember an old classic from the team. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Another family member getting vaccinated and some hope for summer. More Bob Newhart talk, folks, sorry, it’s a Bob Newhart Podcast, now! Should we watch Young Einstein? Mary’s returning fruit to stores at a rate that is going on her permanent record. Mary has a cooking recipe review, and a really amazing vet review! We get a good stair update. New month new Maxine calendar page! Why did we read comics that didn’t make us laugh? Kelley’s Hint List! An easy way to shampoo small rugs. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill is back from camping. RIP Borracchini's Bakery. Mary has donut troubles. Suburban pickup drivers. We get a barefoot jeans wearing stair update. Is our dad a natural at meditating? Check out Crime Travel Podcast! Mary got into some trouble with regular (not light) beer. We have a new Oh Word segment: Why are doctors called quacks? Kelley has a very specific Seattle gripe involving the Pike Place Market. We read some Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Oil your vacuum ball bearings. Use a mirror to figure out if your basement moisture is from condensation. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill’s away man camping, but we have listener Juniper here! We get right into it with a Pants Stance: still not great! Sloth puns. Spring is here! Mary’s been out on the town since she’s fully vaccinated. Mary’s old hobby of getting mad at restaurants is back. Dive bars. Mary made a weird cake, and even she isn’t sure why, but she had an interesting trip to a specialty store. Goldfish Update! The return of Beat You to the Punchline! Juniper has a review of a mediocre horror movie. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Did you know people review airport bathrooms? Recipes From First Graders! Bill sent a picture of the hint list, so we can do Kelley’s Hint List! Umpire Pants Out!

Bill is back! Kelley’s sound is up on her phone, but you can’t hear it so it doesn’t count! We have a weed store story. Bill talks about his liquid diet and self-oiling. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Styptic Pencils, try them instead of socks to stop the bleeding! Stair Update – not great. Pants Stance update, we’ve got a Pants Grant! There is no such thing as a free boat! We have an email from Herman! We discuss Kelley’s Dinners for Winners list and her preschool-ass meal. Umpire Pants Podcast’s Official Stance on Quinoa: We don’t like it. We have a new theme song for Mary’s new segment! Reviews of Cooking Recipes: Quinoa casserole and complicated cake questions. Kelley’s Hint List! Umpire Pants Out!

It’s a Mary and Kelley short boy today! Can Kelley do a Bill Clinton impression? Mary and Russ now how both vaccines! Mary bought a $15 shirt, but she still hates shopping. We get a good stair update. New month, new page from Mary’s Maxine calendar! We get a Pants Stance update – is Kelley’s quest to get Mary into some comfortable pants gaining any ground? Kelley has a Goldfish Plant update. Mary talks about that shitty pastor who thinks women should work on their looks to please their husbands. Mary does a half-assed version of her new segment Reviews of Cooking Recipes. Mary is getting new glasses. We talk about the god damned oranges again, and have our standard technical difficulties. Kelley and Mary come to a pants agreement: Mary will wear yoga pants next Friday as an experiment. Watch how slowly it dawns on us we can’t do hints without Bill! Umpire Pants Out!

We are off to a rough start, tech-wise, but don’t worry, we have two laptops die during the recording of this one and still managed to get through it. Can Mary remember what she likes about Kelley? We get a Pants Stance update. What kind of hi-jinks deserve a rolling pin to the head, Andy Capp style? All the white guy podcasters are re-watching The Sopranos, and Bill’s tired of it. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Bridgerton. Kelley brings some Lassie facts to the table and we discuss dog books. Kelley’s computer dies, but Bill and Mary power on (stay tuned through the end to hear them vamp). Harbor Freight tool choices. Random childhood memories: “grocery stores” & “grabbing onto someone you think is your parent when it’s not” edition. Should we restore a 1977 Toyota Corolla station wagon? It’s time for a new segment! Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Mary and Kelley do it again – talking about Peg Bracken, baby! We read Recipes from First Graders. Kelley’s Hint List! I forgot to write the hints down and then Bill’s computer died, but we did it, we recorded a whole show! Umpire Pants Out!

Listener Vera is here! We discuss legal weed in Canada and try to figure out what’s up with the song Sugar Shack. Our audio gets totally out of whack, but that’s okay, Mary was just retelling a boot story (and I put it at the end so you can see the disaster unfold in real-time). Mary is getting her second vaccine this weekend, and it brings up the question, who does she visit first? Did we do anything for Valentine’s Day? Do we ever? Vera tells a story from childhood that just might be the perfect crime. We get a pants update, and Vera brings an argument to the debate that could be too rational for Mary. Vera tells a story about hopping a fence to get beer in Costa Rica. We’re a bit of a mess coming back from the break, but Mary has a story about baking. Next Door Update. Vera tells an embarrassing story about Kelley in the snow. Recipes from First Graders! Rice Crispy Treats and Special Potatoes. Kelley’s Hint List! Use a twist damper when burning coke. Check with your coal merchant about what kind to use. Rock Tumbler Update! How to remove grass stains from clothes. You down with TSP? Fix linoleum lumps with this dubious hint. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill got some homemade gnocchi and we talked about potatoes. We get a pants update from Mary. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Getting rid of old clothes and running into people you know. We recap the Superbowl, talk about commercials, and Bruce Springsteen vs. Larry the Cable Guy. We expand the Oh Word segment to quotes from books. Memories from Ross Dress for Less. Mary has a story about running into Sherrie, cat cremation, and expired food. Kelley wants to talk about Bob Newhart some more. Recipes from first graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Wash your clothes pins; make tin cans into planters; how to remove cod liver oil. Umpire Pants Out.

I’m releasing this early so you can speed-listen and get our Super Bowl predictions! We discuss the Super Bowl and food. Mary infuriates Kelley and Bill with her stance on hard pants when she needs to just wear a god damned track suit. Mary describes a hat. Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Cozecore Pants from Old Navy. What to do with a religious keepsake you don’t want? We predict the Super Bowl score. Goldfish Plant Update! Bill has some thoughts on Groundhog Day. RIP to the very best kitty, Simon. Mary brings up a commercial she hates again. Stair Update from Mary! Mary reads us the joke from her calendar, but refuses to flip to March to write something down. Kelley’s Hint List! Save heat by removing radiator covers. Turn an old desk into two nightstands. Umpire Pants Out!

The rock tumbler update you’ve all been waiting for! Cutting our own hair during the pandemic. Bill had the ultimate bad start to the day. We brag about our state’s legal weed, again, and try to get a sponsorship going. Making an everyday activity your hobby. We get an impressive stair update! Guess what celebrities has Mary been compared to? Motivational speakers and cults. Kelley remembers a poor solution to a 6th grade problem. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Rock Auto and their helpful website & The Bob Newhart Show. We return to the topic of Mary cutting sandwiches, and then talk ban mi (Pho 25 on 3rd Ave in Seattle is the place with good Vietnamese tofu sandwiches). Recipes from First Graders! Umpire Pants Out!