Umpire Pants

Bill’s calling in from the Podcast Shed, but he’s fresh of a Sparks show and feeling good. Kelley and Mary are about to go to Jackie Kashian at the Crocodile. The podcast gets interrupted by a mouse, so Kelley disappears for a minute, but what an opportunity to tell some mouse stories! Rant and Rave – Can we guess the one Mary wrote? As always, yes we can. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Tulips! Rest in Peace to local Seattle sports broadcasting great John Clayton. The Seattle Aquarium is The Bomb, according to Mary. Should we got to the Maldives? What about Malta? We do three more questions from a Reader’s Digest quiz. Kelley’s Hint List! The first one was about boilers or something. Use alum to mend broken dishes. Umpire Pants Out!

We’re off to a great start, with no sound check, but we’re all together! Mary and Bill went to Nate Bargatze at the Moore, and it was great, but the crowd was a bit belligerent. Mary has a dead mouse situation. Bill has a theory that no one is very smart. We have a roundabout conversation about Cheaper by the Dozen and do a Reader’s Digest quiz. Kelley’s Hint List! Eliminate colored bulbs for energy savings. Hang pants by the cuffs to remove wrinkles. Choose proper material for draperies. Umpire Pants Out!

Kelley and Mary are on a girl’s trip, and we have Bill on the phone! We reminisce about Mary breaking her collarbone last time she visited Orcas Island. Mary wants recordings of her favorite farts, or something? Bill is a little further into the Avengers, and he can’t even commit to finishing, unless they change the animation style to “Roger Rabbit.” The trend of dark movies and shows. Does Mary ever get sick? We don’t know, but she does get stuck in an elevator! Kelley’s Hint List! Use traction tricks to get your car unstuck. Prevent battery corrosion with Vaseline. Wax your table and chair legs when you do your floors. Umpire Pants Out!

Sorry for the super late release, this week, folks! But we have a super special show for you, the long awaited Who's on First episode!

Bill and Kelley try reading the bit made famous by Abbott and Costello. Then Kelley and Mary give it a go, and pull an amazing mid-script switcharoo! Enjoy! Umpire Pants Out!

We’re live in person, and using Bill’s creaky table! We recap our Super Bowl party. Has the Random Restaurant bot Twitter account make you want to visit anywhere? What do Recycle Bitch and Sugar Tits have in common? Bill watched Bullitt. Max gets antsy so we take an early break. The French Connection also has a car chase scene. Mary’s mad at a podcast she hasn’t even listened to you yet. Are we going to have to spend the night in a haunted house? We’re doing Who’s on First next week. Clash of the Titans. Kelley’s Hint List. Close the blinds to control temps. Make a duvet for your blankets. Keeps brakes adjusted to preserve tires. How did Mary hurt her ankles making jewelry? Umpire Pants Out!

We recorded this before the Superbowl, but Bill’s prediction that Kelley didn’t understand was dead on. Update on Douglas, the Squirrel. What do the movies Never Cry Wolf and Doc Hollywood have in common? Who remembers Dudley Moore? Mary has a controversial Rant and Rave printed in the paper. Mary’s Red Robin penny scheme. Finding lost objects. Should our family invent a birthday song? Kelley’s Hint List! Smush your old gross soap together! We discuss why we were all so impacted by the Irish Spring commercial. Mad Magazine. Kettle hints. Umpire Pants Out!

YOU GUYS, WE ARE STILL DOING THE PODCAST, WE'RE JUST STRUGGLING THROUGH FEBRUARY. WE'LL SEE YOU SOON BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR NUTBALLS!!! XOXO KELLEY AND THE GANG

The rock tumbler update you’ve all been waiting for! Cutting our own hair during the pandemic. Bill had the ultimate bad start to the day. We brag about our state’s legal weed, again, and try to get a sponsorship going. Making an everyday activity your hobby. We get an impressive stair update! Guess what celebrities has Mary been compared to? Motivational speakers and cults. Kelley remembers a poor solution to a 6th grade problem. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Rock Auto and their helpful website & The Bob Newhart Show. We return to the topic of Mary cutting sandwiches, and then talk ban mi (Pho 25 on 3rd Ave in Seattle is the place with good Vietnamese tofu sandwiches). Recipes from First Graders! Umpire Pants Out!

Bill is gone, Mary is hungry and hung-over, and I’m not going to lie, this one is a shit show. Felix is here, though! Mary went out howling last night, even though she’s doing dry January. We get back on track with Rant and Raves. There is playoff football on, so Mary is distracted. School update from Felix. Ramen talk. Mary has a message just for Christy! Listen up! Kelley’s Hint List! How to revive a velvet gown. Use an old blanket to protect linoleum from your appliances. Don’t use oil over wax on your floors. How to care for your mattress (take it outside once a week!). We do a Reviews of Cooking Recipes out of order, Mug Cake edition. Umpire Pants Out!

It’s a Mary and Kelley Ep, because Bill has COVID-19. Sorry about that, but we’ll be back on track someday. Not next week, though, Bill is out again then, but seriously, someday!

The delight of a sunny day in the middle of a rainy January. Mary is taking a new jewelry class, and, not to brag, she hasn’t even glued her fingers together yet! We try to talk about Meatloaf, the singer, but we don’t have a lot to say, since we’re not fans. We remember Louis Anderson. Mary has a rubber balloon update. We get indignant about Poutine for a minute, but it’s because of Mary’s Recipe Review! Kelley has a manager’s response to a review. Mary complains about check writer. Kelley’s Hint List! Don’t yank on your sheets too much. Remove soot from baffles. Umpire Pants Out!

(RIP Louis Anderson, clip from 2016 AOL Build Interview)

I explain why this is being released late (but not why it’s still a day late, give me a break). Pandemic isn’t going great, folks, and Covid-19 has finally hit our family. Weather report: bong breaking cold. We wonder why you’d do yoga outside this time of year. We share dumb things we wrote down this week, brighter lights, jack in the boxes, and connecting the dots on detective shows. Cool dudes standing up for cancelled men. The High and Mighty podcast gave Kelley a good dumpling idea. Kelley’s Hint List! Have your glazier cut your broken mirror up. Don’t skid your tires excessively. Using cheese cloth to remove stains. Umpire Pants Out!