Umpire Pants

We’re back, baby! We have an Ice Cream Truck of the Week right up top! The Phony Call-y show, a podcast Kelley has been enjoying. Bill went to his Spanish speaking neighbor’s house for the first time! Mary found out about online sports gambling and we’re worried about this development. Mary was mean to the aquarium lady. Mary has a new waffle recipe. We have no sympathy for your June Gloom LA. Mary got a new watch at Costco and we trick her into a shopping spree. Kelley and Bill used to share a bong. Mary had a dream about Kelley getting an amazing tattoo. Watches and Formula 1. Mary is a fan of the stance Gabe Kapler, the SF Giants Skipper took about gun violence, so she bought a hat. We make Mary mad but she’s not in a bad mood. Kelley’s hint list. Keep smoke joints tight with asbestos cement. Replacing your window pulley strings. Bill recommends Magic Erasers. Herman is making crackers. Umpire Pants Out!

Hey guys! We'll be back tomorrow with an all new episode, but check out our Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The Phoney Call-y Show Podcast. Despite the fact Kelley Can't remember the first OR last name of one of the hosts, it's one of her current favs!

It’s mid-May movie talk! Mary brings a list of movies she likes and the variety is astounding. Rant and Rave: Spicy food strikes again. Kelley has some walking around stories. Mary was impressed by a guy’s purchase at Goodwill. Greenhouse prank or earthquake? We steal another Colbert Question: What happens when you die. Mary would hate Coffin Flop, even though it’s so good (everyone watch I Think You Should Leave on Netflix!) Is not having a toaster like not having a purse? Kelley’s Hint List! Redo your awnings with awning paint. Use a seltzer bottle for a fire extinguisher. Steaming a velvet coat. Umpire Pants Out!

Happy Mother’s Day to all who celebrate. It’s been cold, but spring is springing. Kelley was in Canada recently, enjoying their legal weed, and eating lots of dessert. Mary got a free room at a Casino and doesn’t understand how other people are spending so much gambling. Is astrology being more popular a bad omen? Kelley tried to pay for some tiny peppers recently and it was a whole thing. Purse thefts. Mary rates her cats and they’re not making the honor roll. We steal the Colbert Questions again. We get an air fryer update. Kelley’s Hint List! Set your thermostat to 70, not 75. Umpire Pants Hard Out!

We’re back with Bill on the phone. Have you heard the limited edition episode, No. 238? Listen before we take it down. We talk about squirrels and raccoons and Kelley has to bring up an upsetting baby rabbit antidote for some reason. Bill tries to explain a vaporizer to Mary. We tell some stories of asshole geese. Mary went to the Smith Tower bar and recommends it but the elevator might be dicey. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Mariners Baseball and Claws the TV show. Shit List of the Week: Annoying Baseball Fans. Mary got a jury summons but it seem nothing came of it. Kelley’s Hint List! Adjusting the water heater temperature. Sharpen scissors by cutting sandpaper with them. Mending a wire screen. Umpire Ass Out!

Sorry for the re-run, folks! We'll be back soon with fresh new episodes, but enjoy this one from a year ago this week!

Was it a good idea to record at 11:30pm in a hotel room in Gresham, Oregon? No! Did we redeem ourselves by recording at 10:00am the next day? Not really! We’re recording on Easter, and generally have good holidays in our family. Shout out to our youngest listener, and a quick chat about kids books. We discuss our food choices over the weekend. Please visit WOOD VILLAGE BURRITO SHOP if you’re ever in the Troutdale area of Oregon. We have some new weed accessories. We have some GET OUT SPOILERS so skip ahead if you’re years behind like us. Ira Levin books and movies. What horror movies do we like? Vegetarian burgers and hot vegetarian food. Mary has beef with The Doughboys podcast, because the Veggie Grill mac and cheese is spicy. The insane housing market. What the hell - Mary buys water now? Umpire Pants Out! And Umpire Pants back in, baby! Stay tuned for the last 20 minutes where we get super sloppy. Another review of Get Out? Should Mary and Bill start a movie podcast? We do one hint from Kelley’s Hint List then end this shit-show. Umpire Pants Out!

We’re not sure what the DJ truck is all about, but it’s back and we love it. Bill’s an old man yelling at guys in parking lots. Rock tumbling update. Kelley’s bad a domestic stuff, but she found some sunglasses that can stand up to her funny business. You can watch full Letterman eps on Youtube. Mary claims she invented roasted asparagus. We have a bit of PeeWee Herman talk. We’re right on time talking about The Slap. Mary watched Cruella for the costumes after the Oscars. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Summer of Soul and Top of the Lake. We answer some of the Colbert questions, and shockingly, Bill and Mary pick the same favorite sandwich. Mary made paper with seeds in it! Bill has a parking cone and he’s prepared to use it. Everyone read about the Sankebetsu Brown Bear Incident. Mary describes a Trailer Park Boys episode, but you should just watch it. Kelley’s Hint List! Tin utensil tips. Don’t shake your toaster too much. Get cream out of clothes with the usual methods. Mary recounts a childhood memory of breaking into a found briefcase with neighborhood kids. Umpire Pants Out!

We’re in person again! But Bill is grumpy because there was no parking in Seattle. We explain what a bell-end is to our mom, using hand drawn pictures. Mary has a foot injury and a dubious home remedy. Mary is furious at another server. Bill’s gout corner. Nextdoor update and unfounded fear. Kelley had an offseason Seafair Pirate sighting. We contemplate the 24 Hours of Lemons race. Kelley steals Mary’s segment: Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Kelley’s Hint List Tips for oiling your piano. Nail paper to your window screens before storing them for winter. Use old net curtains to make scrubbing clothes for dishwashing. We have a DJ Truck Sighting during our recording! Why can’t Bill open coffee bags? Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 236: I Don’t Let Furnace Guys Touch my Furnace by Umpire Pants