In today’s episode, I’m sharing my thoughts on becoming anti-racist and how I plan on showing up as a life coach. Your brain and your thoughts are not fixed. You can choose what you want to think and believe about race. Thought work isn’t always pretty, but it’s so worth it. Join me in doing the thought work to rewire our brains so we can become more whole.

Get full show notes and more information here: https://www.ashleymkelsch.com/post/thought-work-white-people

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For me, it's a time to listen and unlearn

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This week I'm talking about imagination. All of my life I thought imagination was used to play make believe and pretend, but for fun. To create a fantasy land.… like we did when we were kids. And that it was only for kids.

I googled the definition of Imagination: it’s the faculty or action of forming new ideas, or images or concepts of external objects not present to the senses. the ability of the mind to be creative or resourceful

It never occurred to me that I was using my imagination to CREATE stories that caused me to worry and spin the fuck out. That as an adult I have been using my imagination to create a world of worry. 

I've decided to access my imagination to help me navigate my way through Covid19, the economic fallout and all the other obstacles that are coming with it.

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Renegades,

On todays episode, I compare my emotional experience of being in a pandemic vs my first divorce and then his his death. There is no guide book on how to grieve, but avoiding, resisting or buffering definitely isn't the way. It took me 10 years to make surrender to the beauty in our loss. I don't want to lose that kind of time ever again. So instead, I choose to feel the pain; all the grief, fear, uncertainty, one wave at a time.

I'll explain how the biggest difference between the two is that I’m fully here for the pandemic, quarantine and economic shutdown situation we are in. I’m riding all the waves and feelings that are coming up. It can feel a little manic at times. There are some days that I’m like, I’m not experienced enough for this wave… it’s to big. Are you fucking crazy? Then there are other days when it’s flat and I have the urge to paddle in and go look for another spot, but I stay. I wait. Then there are the days when the waves are choppy. I want to complain- but I don’t. I’m just riding the waves.

This was not my experience after my divorce or when Chris died. That was more like paddling out while a massive set of waves was rolling in during a storm- and then trying to bail, but it was too late. I'd get wrecked. I'd be underwater and not knowing what direction was up. 

 

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Today I open up with how I’m trying to be compassionate and patient with my kids during this time around the coronavirus and how witnessing their minds see their worlds shrink in front of them while their questions around ‘what does this mean for my future?’ and ‘what’s next?’ grow with the uncertainty. And how these questions and reactions are no different than the ones coming from us, the adults.

It’s a welcomed reminder that I can practice this same patience and compassion for myself and others. I can have grace. I can let us all be human.

I do make it a point to say, we have a choice to look at this and remain positive, but I’m not going to recommend feeling good or positive. Instead I share with you the tools on how to lean into what you are feeling. Today’s episode is about how to become aware of what you’re feeling and how to process it. Part of the process is getting friendly, even intimate with the emotions and allowing them, Renegades.

I talk about my personal experience of resistance in surrendering to the grief I was feeling around becoming an empty nester as well as how I channeled my fear last week into being productive.

We are all experiencing similar thoughts and feelings right now; fear, guilt for going out, confusion, uncertainty.

It’s okay to feel those things. To lean into that discomfort.

You don’t have to resist or avoid feeling. And you definitely don’t need to beat yourself or judge yourself feeling the way you do.

I will give you a few tips on how to identify and allow your feelings - if you’re not sure what your feeling is ask Alexa for a list of emotions 🤣 no but seriously, I’ve noticed my friends and I are all pretty limited with the the words we use to describe our emotions. I’m trying to expand my emotional vocabulary… but I digress. Tune in and turn on today - I will give you solid focused steps on how to process your emotions and when you’re ready, create new ones.

The beauty of the human brain is that you can experience processing your emotions and still move forward- you only need to pay attention and manage your minds.

This is how we evolve. This is how we come home.

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I want to explore decision making today… and why it’s important that you get present when doing so.

If the only person you ever were was the person you are right now a podcast listener -and you had no history or way of defining yourself or how you behave- how would you base your next decision.

If you had no past experience to inform you, how would you date? Or respond to a text? Or parent your kids?

Do you know how freeing that would actually be - to decide from a clean and clear space? Informed only by this moment right here and now?

You’d have no excuses. You’d be responsible for your decisions... And you wouldn’t be able to blame anyone for your actions.

There’d be no I did this because my mom was or I’m this way because I once saw or I was raised to believe this so that’s why…

This though, is NOT how we are going about it. And let me tell ya why that is with a little brain science, Renegades.

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It's storytime, Renegades!

Remember when you were younger and someone would do something and it would hurt your feelings? But, instead of being hurt or sad you would get angry, mad or hateful? And you would look for all the reasons why you were so pissed.

How you had every right to be?

Well, that was me a few weeks ago. It was kind of amazing really. Not the anger or rage, but the absolute absence of awareness around the entire situation.

I'm going to share with you how I not only played the role I was raging against, but how I looked for any external thing to justify my story rather than focusing on processing my emotions.  

I also leave you with a few grounding tips you can use when you start spinning out. 

Tune in and turn on!

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I want to talk to you about Future Focus and WHY this concept is vital to your growth and creating the life you want- and how, when you combine this thinking with FEELING you can get things done. things like lose weight, make money, open a business, train for marathons, or you know, make out with strangers. It doesn’t matter the WHAT.

Future focus is the required tool for you to overcome your biggest challenge-

You and Your very own brain.

The human brain wants proof of concept - to know how to accomplish the goal in order to go to work. and quite frankly- you’ll never get it referring to your past. You’ve never been this person before. There is no evidence that you can do it- but there is fuck ton of conditioned beliefs and recycled thinking informing you that you can’t.

You have to be willing to overcome your biggest obstacle: Your brain. In order to chase your goals and create the life you want you have to be willing to overcome yourself and your thoughts. You have to be willing to let go of the beliefs you have about yourself. The identity that you’ve created.

We as humans do everything we do because of the way we think it will make us feel… It’s not the external material item. It’s the feeling we get from buying the house or losing the weight or crossing the finish line that we are doing it for.

Everything we do is because we want to feel a certain way. AND our feelings drive all our actions making sure we get the results we are after.

Of course, I share more about my make out sesh with a stranger and how I'm shattering my own beliefs about casual encounters ;) 

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I’m adopting an attitude of zero fucks given because for the longest time i’ve cared far too much about what everyone else was thinking. I lived the life doing what I was supposed to do… I’ve let it hold me back, but not anymore.

I’m going to use my voice. I’m going to share - I’m not going to let other people and their idea of controversy be my excuse to not be me. I’m willing to feel what it’s like to not be liked by everyone, or approved of…

I’m willing to be judged and lose followers.

What I’m not willing to do is use other people as a reason to not be me. To not use my voice.

I know one of you needs to hear you’re not alone; you’re not alone in your shame, the things you fear, or even your ideas or ambitions.

So with that, I’m going to talk about everything in 2020, my wins my losses. my goals -When I fall on my face… I’m not going to hide behind ‘what others may think’.

This year, I’m going to proudly talk about all the travel I plan on doing.

I’m going to talk about how big I want to make Modern Renegades. I might even throw around the numbers of dollars I want to make. I’m going to share with you more about my dating life and maybe gush about a new bag that I want… I’ll reference my affairs, my drinking, whatever the hell I feel inspired to, so you can see what’s possible. I’m going to continue to unravel and expose myself - and teach you the tools and concepts I’ve learned that have helped me along the way. ZERO SHAME.

ZERO self-judgement.

For some of you, this information won’t be new or relevant. But for others, it will be just the perspective you need.

I know the voice inside your head. I know the voices from people standing around listening, watching and waiting for you to fuck up so they have something to talk about. I know what it’s like to have everyone think you have it all figured out. You and I are the same. You're the reason I’m here. I want you to know that it’s possible to overcome these blocks.

That CHANGE is possible.

That your past doesn’t need to define you. That you can let it go. That you don’t have to be this person forever. How freeing is that y’all?

 

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Today I want to make a  toast to 2019! 

And do you know why? Cause y'all can't stopping bagging on it!

But instead of talking about my year and experiences and why I'm choosing to see the good, I want to refer to Dr Edith Eva Eger.

In her book, The Choice, she documents her time before during and after Auschwitz- the mindset she chose to have to survive each day in the holocaust and how her relationship with parents and siblings, her first love and her husband, children, herself were all defined by this horrific year.

and the reason why I feel so compelled to share some quotes and insights from her book is because I think all too often, we forget we have a choice.

A choice to look at our life, its circumstances, and know that even though we can’t always control what's happening around us, we can control how we think about it.

And you may be thinking I’m using a holocaust survivors story to tell you that if she could survive the holocaust you can survive 2019, but that’s not why...

Dr Eger shares her story not only on how she survived that year, but the denial that followed, the trauma that she stored in her mind and body and how she took it out on those around her.

How she felt that her childhood was taken from her, that it was too late for her to go to college in her 40’s and that it was her husband's fault she was so miserable… all the beliefs she had and then compassion. So much compassion and forgiveness…

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