In this episode of Untethering Shame, I am joined by Jessica Fern, a therapist, educator, and the internationally recognized author of Polysecure, Polywise, and her newest book, Transforming the Shame Triangle.
Together, we explore the Shame Triangle: the internal loop that occurs between the inner critic, the shame part, and the inner escaper. Jessica explains how we internalize the "drama triangle" of persecutor, victim, and rescuer, turning them into internal parts that drive self-criticism and disconnection.
We discuss the origins of shame in our early needs for belonging and why our coping strategies often act like "expired milk": methods that were once adaptive and nourishing but have become toxic over time. This conversation offers a framework for moving from the Shame Triangle to the Self-Love Triangle, transforming the inner critic into an inner coach.
Key Takeaways
The Shame Triangle Defined: The internal dynamic consisting of the inner critic (the bully), the shame part (the victim), and the escaper (the rescuer).
Escaper Behaviors: How we use over-functioning, perfectionism, under-functioning, or aggression to mute the inner critic.
Expired Strategies: Understanding that our protective parts have good intentions but use distorted methods that no longer serve us as adults.
From Critic to Coach: The process of the Self-Love Triangle involves updating our internal parts and teaching the inner critic to encourage rather than attack.
Navigating Relationships: How healing our internal shame often requires shifting dynamics with parents, partners, or friends who may still be stuck in their own triangles.
Radical Acceptance: The goal is not to eliminate shame entirely but to change the story we tell ourselves about it.
About Jessica Fern:
Jessica Fern holds a Master’s degree in Conflict Resolution, is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, a trained Internal Family Systems (IFS) practitioner, and an integrative therapist drawing on 25 years of experience in somatic, narrative, psychotherapeutic, and spiritual healing modalities. She is the author of Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Nonmonogamy, The Polysecure Workbook, and Polywise: A Deeper Dive Into Navigating Open Relationships. Through her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and multi-partner relationships to break free from reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment, and past trauma.
Website: https://www.jessicafern.com
Restorative Relationships: https://www.restorativerelationship.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jessicafern411/?hl=en
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Take the Next Step.
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