Video Death Loop

Behold! Look upon your trash bags and despair at their quality! They are not Hefty brand trashbags so they are INFERIOIR in the eyes of God and all that he holds before him as good and pure. You will not be chosen in the rapture. Nay, he will clean you up in his Hefty-branded trash bag and throw you in the bowels of hell themselves. There, you will have one friend only, a Rat King you cannot get away from. You won’t be able to decide if the Rat King is one friend of many friends because you’ll be screaming. Please enjoy!

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s not going to go look in the tall grass. Aaron Littleon is your co-host and he needs to find a good deal on a snow shovel.

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The Waves! The Races! The Sixty-Fours! Never has one game combined so many nouns successfully and succinctly. It had a sponsor and and it had dolphins but it knew better than to not push its luck on the name. No, three is the magic number. Let the waves do the talking! When the world is covered in Wave Race 64 carts we will be let nature take its course. Wave Race will feed us. Wave Race will care for us. Wave Race is life.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he is in need of the perfect meatball sub. John Hurst is your co-host and he promises a new podcast platform we can all depend on (We cannot depend on it.)

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Gather your teen pop posse and dance a closely-knit jig, because it’s time for witchery to begin. We have one single target: A single boy in a field of flowers. The goal: throw him into the minivan. Most importantly, do not ask or answer questions. If someone asks if you are the Irish pop group B*Witched (with a star in the middle) you say “Yes” but don’t you dare answer “But the Record Wizard is the one in control.” It may be true, but don’t speak it! The dog will be recording. We will know.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s going to complain to Father Time in the form of a written letter. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he has enough blue and green food coloring for all the pancakes.

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Donnie Yen! You get off this car this instance! You don’t know where it’s been! I leave you alone for two minutes and you’re breakdancing all over the city like the opening to some Hong Kong film! Slapping stickers all over yourself like you are sponsored and warming up hot dogs in your pants? What will the people say? … Other than that you’re super fly of course! Nah, Donnie Yen, you can do whatever you want. Keep on breakin’! Breakin’ 2 maybe, even!

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s ready to search very, very low for a hot dog. John Hurst is your co-host and he knows a guy who can find an Egg Roll.

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The Classic Rock station is on. You don’t know why it’s on. You didn’t turn to it. You thought you were listening to your Bluetooth phone. but it’s there and it’s playing Creed. That Creed song. The song that takes you higher. You start wondering where the time went. Where your friends are. Hey, look at this photograph. No, wait, wrong song. “Higher.” Yes, take me higher. Raise both of those arms wide open. You pull over at the Scot-Stop and get some coffee. The song continues in the store with the low hum from the beer section. The clerk looks at you with a nod. He says he saw Creed back in ’99. You don’t believe him. You know what happened to those who saw the band. You were the lead guitarist Mark Tremonti. It was a mess. You did what Brian Henson told you to do and never spoke of it again. The nightmares speak for you. You bought a boat and thought you could finally find peace. You did not. You got coffee instead.

You get back into the car. You hear a click from the back seat. “Don’t move”, a false baritone voice says. It’s Scott Stapp. You can see in the fuzz growing from his back from the rear-view mirror. You realize the situation now. You never really did leave. No one did.

John Hurst is your host this week and he wants to eat the Fruits of Atlantis. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s now officially licensed to be a co-host!

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Maritime Law is NOW. Come aboard the cruise ship! Kathy Lee Gifford is here to show you the way! Sneak on some alcohol and buy their expensive alcohol too! Become a goblin! Celebrate the purge! Drink in a Frog Bar… Thing? We don’t know what that is or what you do on a cruise ship but we know what we’re going to do as soon as we are forced on one! Also, we hope that they have internet for all this Crackle we are watching.

Aaron Littleton is your host and he’s entering the Plinko Dungeon. John Hurst is your co-host and he’s not going to see Lucky Number Slevin after this episode, despite what he said during the episode.

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Attention, Spacemart Shoppers! We know we could just give you a text notification into your intellivisor, but we feel the bitcrushed tone of the personal announcement system just has that special touch, you know? We hope you’re enjoying your fabulous new virtual reality shopping experience like we are recreating it! We just released the latest version and now have implementing queues for your inconvenience. Now you stand around in real life and in the virtual one! Double standing! Also, there’s a bunch of apples on sale. We cannot guarantee they actually exist. Please buy eight or more.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s ready to take off this slightly wet sock. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s waiting to do a 10-pull for a five star market greeter.

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It’s 9:28 AM in Colorado Springs. There is chance of isolated thunderstorms in your neck of the woods. But it’s alright. You’re at home, your belt is off, the fireplace is not on (Because it’s nearly 80 degrees and that seems unwise) and you have the mood lighting all set to low, low, low. You got yourself a hot date between you, a special lady friend, and the weather channel muzak blaring piping hot. It puts you at ease with its tender chords and calm voice explaining the weather for the week. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing, except for the fact that someone has kicked off their call sign on the nearby HAM Radio and are asking for a confirmation. You sigh. You put back on your belt and get in your truck. A day’s work is never truly done.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he is being deputized to point out some clouds! John Hurst is your co-host and he’s getting suspenders from the internet, but not of his own volition.

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The squeaky clean image of Pizza Hut in the early 80s didn’t last too long. You can only go through so many neon aerobic workout videos before it changes a person or a company. By the 90s anyone and everyone was hocking PS1 demo discs and cassette tapes and we learned it from Father Pizza Hut. We emulated our pizza lord and pizza savior for a taste of that personal pan freedom. The reign was short lived; soon other pizza deities would come into the space and we had no room in our heard for a vengeful, midwestern God of a pizza chain. The other guys had ticket games and Mortal Kombat II and we were hungry. Always hungry. Still, we find a red see-through cup from time to time and think about where we came from, in the dim glow of Tiffany lamps illuminating our path. You sigh. Your hometown screams. Ahhhhh.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s trying to finish the book of Deuteronomy to get that sweet Book It! award. Aaron Littleton is your co-host this week and he’s here to award the verdict on every generation future and past by name.

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Melissa is calling again. She wants to talk. It’s too much. The older boy can’t handle it. His weekly paycheck at the Kum & Go gas station is going straight to bathroom cleaning products. The younger brother is scrubbing away every night making sure the bathroom shines before Melissa inevitably calls again. He doesn’t see the same bald man giving him the wink of a job well done that everyone else does. He only sees himself. He, doing the dirty job noone else is willing to do. All with a bottle of Mr. Clean by his side. He doesn’t know why he’s even doing it. He just can’t stand to see it dirty. He wonders why their mother doesn’t put a stop to this in between her power meetings and power lunches. A voice in the back of his mind tells him this is all part of his training. His training sucks. The whole situation sucks. But still he scrubs. And scrubs. And scrubs.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s looking for an unnecessarily large bathroom for his next house. John Hurst is your co-host and and he’s got bones (not words) to pick with the vocabulary of Wordle.

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