Virtual Kitchen Table

Episode 23: Living Authentically, Confidently and Intentionally – a Conversation About How We Show Up in Our Lives, with Teresa Wiedrick 

A few months ago, Teresa Wiedrick shared her experience of her coaching work with homeschool moms and supporting women to get “out of their own way” and it struck a chord. We were so happy to have her chat with us more specifically about living authentically, confidently and intentionally and many of the common themes we might encounter. Teresa’s website, Capturing the Charmed Life,  is home to her many offerings such as blogging and coaching as well as her podcast, Homeschool Mama Self-Care. She is also the author of Homeschool Mama Self-Care: Nurturing the Nurturer. Join us around the table as we chat about this important journey! 

The idea of “getting out of our own way” to do the things we’d like to or feel inspired to do

Thoughts around our lives in the areas of authenticity, confidence and intention

How this existential work can be helpful to do at various ages and life seasons for a range of people 

Capturing the Charmed Life

Homeschool Mama Self-care Podcast, Episode with Teresa and Erin

Homeschool Mama Self-Care: Nurturing the Nurturer, Teresa’s book

Virtual Kitchen Table, Episode 21: Emotional Labour 

Virtual Kitchen Table, Episode 22: Does Homeschooling our Children Shape our Identity? 

We had a really interesting conversation about the concept of ‘emotional labour,’ both in the context in which it’s being described in Emotional Labour by Rose Hackman and other writings and podcasts (see Resources), as well as our own concept and ideas about how we see it within family life. Please join us as we come to understand what the term means, how it plays out and the choices we make around it. 

We Discuss:

Anticipatory grief and supporting ourselves while we’re supporting others 

Holding the perspectives, thoughts and feelings of multiple people within the role of parent – all the pieces we hold at once 

How we need to be compassionate with ourselves 

Putting language to the familiarity of emotional labour 

That emotional labour is truly work which takes skill, effort and time and this explains why we might feel tired 

Emotional labour as a primary responsibility for people working in the service industry – keeping people happy 

That we begin co-regulating alongside our children as infants and little ones as one of our first forms of emotional labour

The tax on our systems from various personalities and neurology, including our own – it can be genuinely tiring even when we are choosing it

Two layers of consideration – sometimes we have more energy than others to begin with and then we’re also accumulating energy from emotional labour that at some point needs to be discharged 

Being open to the individual timing and tools each person needs and uses to move through grief 

Improving our emotional skillset toward all people through parenting and home education 

Moments of compensation for other people’s lack of emotional labour, whether that’s our children, spouse or others 

The social cohesion that results from emotional labour 

The ‘hidden’ aspect of emotional labour because so much is in our head 

The additional emotional labour often involved for people who are vulnerable in someway to partake in activities – differences of power 

The emotional labour involved in facilitating children’s and family social activities

Consent – reflections about pushing past our own consent and that of our child’s to maintain social comfort

Tending first to the person who feels the least safe or most impacted 

That it’s okay for people not to be happy all the time and recognizing that we simply can’t be the fixers of all things 

Tolerating an array of emotions – in our society, not all emotions are welcome and that can complicate modelling and expression

Recognizing and acknowledging the emotional labour of our children and others as well 

Recognizing when we are filtering or editing  the expressions of our emotions for other people –  putting other people’s emotions ahead of ours and that we can choose to do that and it’s okay, but that it does come at a cost 

People having the opportunity to be on the receiving end of emotional labour as well 

The high capacity for men and boys to experience and act through empathy 

The social cost that sometimes happens for females when they don’t do the emotional labour that’s expected

People pleasing as currency 

The nuances of emotional intelligence and the ways kids develop and show it 

Making a choice of how much to give and when not to put others ahead

Seeing emotional labour as truly valuable, not just expected

Giving ourselves grace and creating room for our own rest, time and care 

Resources:

Emotional Labour – Rose Hackman 

Sage Family podcast – Rachel Rainboldt

Fed Up – Gemma Hartley

The Powerful Purpose of Introverts – Holley Gerth

If you’ve been in the homeschooling world for long, you’ll likely have come across the word ‘deschooling’ and may understand it in the context of children having time and space to get in touch with their natural curiosity and learning. Soon enough, it becomes clear that more of the work in this area is actually for parents. We continue deschooling but this almost always plays out imperfectly. Missteps are inevitable. Join us as we discuss how our bigger picture intentions seem to still shine, and we share ideas about how we can have compassion for ourselves in the midst. We so appreciated being joined by Esther Jones of  The Unschool Space podcast and A Place on a Hill blog, which can be found along with her workshops and offerings to parents at www.esther-jones.com. 

How deschooling is not a linear process

That moments of resistance can be the learning moments 

Getting curious rather than being too hard on ourselves 

How deschooling perfectly is actually an oxymoron of sorts

Noticing some of the places we get caught up by the physical sensations we experience

Seeing external expectations as almost a third person in the relationship with our children

Outer opinions and pressures pulling us back in our process 

Getting comfortable with imperfection, for our kids and for us 

Finding our own strategies when we’re feeling shaky about things 

That having expanded our own ideas about a range of possibilities as home educating families, people might feel reassured talking to us about their own kids’ paths and choices 

Being easy on ourselves about how early messaging we received runs deep and can be very disconnecting from our physical processes and inner knowing  

That as parents, we might have some bits of resentment that we didn’t have the same degree of choice and acceptance in our choices that our children have

All the messages that we carry into adulthood and how we can be thoughtful about how we model that for our kids 

Self-compassion as being key both for ourselves and in our modelling for our kids 

Our kids as a barometer to our intentions, helping us be aware of potential manipulation 

Personality differences between kids and how they mirror or don’t mirror our intentions back to us 

Feeling pressure to “fully deschool” and then making changes more quickly than is ideal

Wrestling between one’s intuition and external information/deschooling

Considering how we best live as a starting point rather than getting too attached to a particular label 

That we can keep checking our responses and reactions

Taking note of resistance 

Understanding that everyday is a new piece of work to navigate relationship and communication; there will be disconnecting moments and opportunity for repair 

The potential for us to feel frustrated toward home ed books and blogs when things aren’t turning out the way “they said it would” 

That our certainty can pull us away from the vastness of possibility 

How we can trust that our children have wonderful ideas, skills and knowledge to bring to a situation and actually take the pressure off ourselves a bit 

That when we bump into an edge, we can stay with it as long as we need to. It’s okay to take the time to work through 

The idea of saying “yes” more is not quite so straightforward and that our kids can often read when a “yes” is not an authentic one and can actually better under consent when they see some authentic “nos” modelled as well 

Unravelling gently 

That we can take some time to make a decision and can communicate that with our kids 

That imperfections and working things through flexibly actually help our kids to be well-equipped and self-aware 

Esther Jones blog, podcast and offerings 

Virtual Kitchen Table Episode #14: Kids and Screens, Pondering Digital Tech From a Few Angles – Part One

If we’ve been in the world of home education for some time, we are likely accustomed to a variety of terms that might not be familiar to others, but even then, we often interpret things differently. Join as we explore a variety of terms such as deschooling, unschooling, strewing, gameschooling, project-based learning and more and dig into what they mean to each of us. 

What does ‘unschooling’ mean?

The beauty of different terms but acknowledging their incompleteness 

Unschooling as a way of life that reflects the way we interact and learn rather than a method 

Acknowledging the usefulness of the term “unschooling” to help us connect with others and the information 

Using a term that links to our particular situation 

Who is leading? Child-led learning doesn’t mean child-run family 

The need to acknowledge the power we inherently have as parents and how we discharge that power 

The link between respect and responsibility 

That independence doesn’t need to be forced 

Potential meanings behind different terminology 

Leadership and power can be good things when people aren’t grappling from a point of scarcity 

‘Big Juicy Conversations’  – Conversation as a Tool

Project-Based Learning 

Gameschooling – varying perspectives and various possibilities 

Stealth or sneaky learning 

Strewing 

To what degree we are true to a particular label  

Labels as having both the potential to unite or divide, include or exclude

How holding tight to labels or trying to fit into a label can end up diluting the framework in some ways 

The variety of ways we can look at the same word 

Understanding Unschooling, Ever Learning 

What is Unschooling? Part 3,  Myths and Misconceptions, Taking a Kinder Path 

Unschooling – What’s in a Name?  Ever Learning

Unschooling is not “Child-Led Learning,” Pam Sorooshian 

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Mate M.D.

Unschooling: A Voyage of Discovery, Taking a Kinder Path

The Unschool Space – Putting Relationship First

Exploring Unschooling, Unschooling as a Lifestyle, Episode 251

Project-Based Homeschooling: Mentoring Self-Directed Learners,Lori Pickert

My Little Poppies – Cait Curley

Homeschooling Terms that Crept Up on Me … Confessions of an Early 2000s Homeschooling Mom, Ever Learning

Unschooling Together Community 

We Discuss:

The origin of the term “unschooling” as we understand it 

Different paths to unschooling - our own experiences 

The assumption of school as the default 

Respectful/Attachment parenting as a pipeline to unschooling 

Whether we use the term unschooling to describe what we’re doing 

Whether home education culture has moved more toward labels

Respecting children as whole people and the difficulties that can come up in school settings 

Radical Unschooling - duh, duh, duh  

Freedom for children and arbitrary requirements 

The nice thing about being on the other end of parenting and observing how things play out

That challenges and failings of systems don’t necessarily reflect the teachers and assistants who work there 

How learning happens naturally all the time and we couldn’t stop it if we tried (looking at the world’s inventions and discoveries show us this) 

Failing as an important part of learning and how one person’s discovery is often built upon another person’s previous one

Living, learning and exploring naturally have been common to all cultures and times - it just happened to be coined by John Holt to explain the way we understand it after years of standardized schooled assumptions

Whether learning needs to be painful and the ways our views have changed about that over time 

The fear that children won’t learn and how learning actually happens as a by-product of life rather than learning being for learning’s sake

That learning isn’t always about utility but we never know where a thread is going to lead 

How coercion creates resistance and the differences between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation 

The goal doesn’t need to be to learn ‘it all.’ We don’t need to stuff learning in.

That gaps in learning are not only by normal, but opportunities for growth. We don’t want a standardized world - variances are needed. 

The often random and changing standards of school 

How this way of living really keeps us in our toes and imagining things from our kids’ perspectives 

The ways autonomy leads to deep learning 

An experience with a young adult identifying their own gaps and what their reaction has been. What is our responsibility as a parent? 

Resources: 

John Holt 

Dr. Peter Gray 

Taking a Kinder Path (for ourselves, our children and the world)

Episode 17: Being Intentional about the Holidays - Ideas for Thoughtful Families

We’re talking about holidays and gatherings in this episode, digging into what helps families make the most of their time together! As we head into a season that can be quite full for many, we share ideas about intention, choice, communication and building in rest and open time. 

We were so happy to have Pam Laricchia and Anna Brown from Living Joyfully join us to share their insight and experience. Pam and Anna have a course, Navigating Family Gatherings that, while relevant to gatherings at any time of year, might be particularly timely to many right now. You can also hear more from Pam and Anna on the Exploring Unschooling podcast, the Living Joyfully podcast, and in the Living Joyfully Network. 

We Discuss:

The power of being intentional 

Understanding that we have a choice, even if something feels really obligatory. We can make decisions that feel more comfortable to us … “choices within choices”

Being a host who helps people feel comfortable, welcomed and accommodated 

Food! Most get-togethers and parties involve food so thinking through how our kids respond to different types of food, intervals between food, blood sugars, energy levels, etc

Including our kids in planning conversations in whichever ways feel like a fit

Absorbing any comments or difficult moments that might be directed toward our children as we’ve done some preparatory work to be well-resourced

The many possibilities of what we can bring with us (books, games, toys) as options for our families and others

Remembering that people want things to go well and want people to enjoy themselves - coming in with positive energy

Navigating the common “homeschooling question” and ideas for doing that taking context into consideration. 

How to help facilitate conversations about our kids’ interests and what they’re up to if they want to share with people 

Practical ways of sharing what our homeschooling kids are up to 

Possibilities for helping engage other people - kids and adults - showing interest in them and finding out more about them as well! 

Building in open time and rest before, during and after the holidays and how beautiful that downtime can be … weaving the decompression throughout 

Communicating with our kids about how they are feeling, what they’re anticipating, how they might feel after a holiday or event 

Choice again! Playing with ideas around options when the choice isn’t feeling clear. Sometimes it might be helpful to imagine what we’d do “if” we have a choice and we may be surprised what comes up 

What is the role of lists in our lives? How do we each make lists, or not? Is list-making essential to organization or are there other ways to plan and keep intentional about things? How are our personalities and learning styles and those of our children reflected in the way we each make sense of information and understanding ideas in our lives? Is there a societal bias toward certain styles of organization and even organization itself? And could list-making be deeper and more creative than imagined? Please join us as we dive into a topic that seems practical at first glance but took us into some interesting discussion.

Kinds of lists – Joy, Adventure, Project 

What is the relationship between the way we organize information and what helps us individually? What overwhelms us?

How do we organize information if we don’t use lists?

Prioritizing responsibilities to other people over our own things

Hands-on lists and mental lists versus written lists

“Stacking lists”

The role of personality in the way we plan and keep track of things. What is our tolerance for change or a need to pivot?

The link between list-making and how we individually process things – internal versus external and somewhere in between

Verbal processing versus written lists

The way that lists can help in an unschooling life to see new ideas as invitations

That lists aren’t necessarily “to do” lists, but can also be a sort of menu

Our children seeing their input as respected when it’s written down

Family culture – the very different ways that each family and family member processes things

The danger of lists? Too much planning, not enough action?

Planning in unschooling? Sometimes there’s actually more organizational skill involved!

Self-directed learning as a process that makes use many planning tools

How a loosely held list can be a sort of “living document”

“Planning for personalities” in our families

Societal biases toward certain styles of planning

Planning and lists for self-care

List-making as a recipe for disappointment depending on how we see it. How do we remain forward-thinking and plan for our kids and also let go of the outcome?

Could a list be seen as brainstorming?

Lists as ways to be helpful and pass on information to other people

“Not to do” lists as an idea!

Resources 

Joy Lists: A Home Education Essential – Taking a Kinder Path

The Four Tendencies Gretchen Rubin

How Do Unschoolers Plan and Record Learning? Happiness is Here

Self-Soothing checklists – Taking a Kinder Path

Homeschool communities and groups – Do we need to join one? Should we start one? How do we consider changes to both communities and our family over time? We were so grateful to have Kendel from @spark.to.flame.homelearning on Instagram to share her insight and experience with facilitating a local home ed group with us as we discussed each of our own thoughts and experiences. We invite you to join in for a listen!

Homeschool community as a help to confidently beginning the home ed journey, although not a necessity

New families who began to homeschool during the pandemic – accepted or not into pre-pandemic groups?

Navigating the choices (co-ops, forest schools, field trips, lessons, get-togethers with families)

Being welcomed as pivotal to our overall feeling about home education 

Moving away from the “right” answer for a homeschool group because families, communities and needs evolve 

Children developing friendships based on what we’d like in our lives in a similar way that adults do 

The unique bonding that can develop over time between homeschool peers, possibly because of such a degree of open time together 

Children being valued by other kids because they are seen as being so valued by their parents. 

Joining a community as a way of giving shape to the week 

Differences between the dynamics of the groups 

The challenges among families and organizers of operating by consensus (even though it is still ultimately positive!) 

Whether we cling to homeschool connections! 

How open or not to keep our communities? The potential for exclusion and at the same time, for pushing children to include beyond what they are comfortable with 

Forest schools, parent-led and facilitator-led

Shared ideas of what to do when children have different needs or preferences of going to a group event 

Really letting children have their feelings about whether or not they want to be there and finding ways to make a special or comfortable aspect for them 

Having first hand experiences at a young age of navigating and working things out creatively 

Discussing ahead of time, being honest about how everyone is feeling

How kids having their emotions validated helps them learn so much about themselves 

No set outcomes and relinquishing control 

Not “punishing” kids for having a good time in the sense of saying “I told you so”

Being clear with ourselves about what we are looking to get out of homeschool community 

Moving away from the expectation of a homeschool community utopia 

The hope for more homeschool families over time 

And more … !

Spark To Flame Homelearning

Virtual Kitchen Table Episode #3: Choice in Education, Living and Learning in Community 

Virtual Kitchen Table Episode #13: Socialization and Homeschooling, Exploring it from Different Angles 

Kiki and the Wildlings Instagram 

Home Educating Wildlings

Conversation continued from Part One … here

Screen time is a big topic. The world has become increasingly digital and parents are trying to make caring and thoughtful decisions amidst many sources of advice, often contrary to one another. This is the first part of our conversation, thinking through and pondering our own experiences and we would love you to join us! We were thrilled to be joined at the “table” by Missy Willis of the podcast and blog Let ‘em Go Barefoot. Missy is a long-time unschooling parent, a former special education teacher and now the co-author of Life Unschooled, A Guide to Living and Learning Without School. She has a wealth of experience and wisdom that she humbly and helpfully shares. Enjoy! 

Can gaming in fact strengthen cognitive processes?

How being in a place of joy or flow can really accelerate learning and integrate learning

Using gaming as a way to check out or cope with something deeper – when it can it be helpful 

That it’s easier for kids to be open if they are experiencing something uncomfortable or overloading related to technology if they feel they will still have choices 

Big emotions – could games be an opportunity to practice those and feel those out in a safe space? But maybe dysregulating at times for other kids?

The feedback loop that naturally happens when kids get to practice their “big feelings” and find out what is tolerated by other kids or peers and what important learning that is 

Young children and screens – what do we think?

How children’s TV can actually be a springboard to all sorts of other activity, learning and creativity 

Bringing in technology as a tool in uncomfortable and sensory overloading situations, noting societal judgement about that

Neurodivergence and screens – tapping into various ways of looking at things 

That we can bring in more joy and connection and leaning toward what our kids are into rather than going straight to taking away

The polarity that is sometimes drawn between outdoor time and technology 

The importance and beauty of human connection and sensory input for young children and how they are likely to naturally seek those out, hopefully with parents present and undistracted

Social media, peers and teens  – the relevance of relationships to family established in earlier years to draw back to 

The feeling of wanting to reel things back in through control as parents and what we might do instead

Being on the “same side” as our kids and figuring out the challenges of social media 

Time. 🙂 We can slow down and think it through 

Let ‘em Go Barefoot podcast, blog and community – Missy Willis

Psychology Today, Peter Gray article 

Stories of an Unschooling Family article by Sue Elvis

A Hunter-Gatherer’s Guide to the 21st Century; Evolution and the Challenges of Human Life, Heather Heying and Bret Weinstein

Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need  to Matter More Than Peers – Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate 

Dr. Gabor Mate article, excerpt from A Postscript from the Digital Age, The Digital Revolution Bent out of Shape 

 * Photo by Missy Willis