Wathnail Rovers

The Cats Funeral took place last Wednesday at Wathnail Parish Church, he passed away peacefully in his sleep after a short illness. Patrick Kapengwe will be sadly missed in the town and I want to thank all of you for your messages of condolences and all of your tributes left outside the ground expressing your deep sorrow at the sad news. However knowing Patrick as I did I am certain he would have been absolutely thrilled at the turnout on Wednesday, the big names from the game who attended astonished even me, and I am not easily astonished. We had ex-managers, fellow goalkeepers, big name players and at least a couple of what I’d term true superstars of the game, men who if they were still playing now would be almost priceless. Patrick was cremated as per his wishes and I also read a short eulogy at the end of the service, afterwards most of the congregation met up at the Flag and Staff for the wake.All very respectful, even Les Sparxx of the Sunshine Coach Company and our own Darren Throttle laid off the booze as we reminisced about the Cats playing days and that great side from back then.I'd like to add a special thanks to Geoff Summers for his kind thoughts, sadly Geoff couldn't actually attend the funeral ceremony due to him having to accompany his wife on a vital sex aids trade fair in Berlin, Germany. It was disappointing that he wasn't able to make it as he and Patrick shared a special bond. You often find that with Goalkeepers and Centre Halves, they shared a kind of telepathy on the pitch, each knowing exactly where the other would position himself. The two of them were usually roomies when the side went on any trips and he was gutted not to be there, on the plus side the business had a bumper trade fair with several huge orders for dildos and the ever popular clitoral stimulator. It seems the Eurozone recession has not hit the German housewife!

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There is no more passionate game on this planet than football, you can see it in the blind faith of die-hard supporters week in and week out in the stands and terraces up and down this land. However at what point does following your team become more than just support, when does it actually become a dangerous obsession? The boys at Wathnail received a cry of help from a Gillingham woman regarding her husband’s unusual and twisted hero worship of a certain member of his beloved Manchester United's playing staff.Now of course there is no way of knowing how widespread this deviant practice is but it is almost certain that the England captain would not be the only top player ‘honoured’ in this way by their devoted fans. Our suggestion is that if you too are indulging in similar practices over your side’s centre forward then maybe you should seek the advice of a marriage councillor or sex therapist. If however on the other hand you’re wife or partner is happy to indulge you then we’d advise the shorter rubber studs for the boots and possibly (for her) knee pads as well as the shin guards.

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Brian and Colin are engaged in tense negotiations to bring ex-premiership star Alphonso DeFabian to Wathnail Park. If they can pursued the former Birmingham City, Wigan Athletic, Bristol City, Watford, Plymouth Argyle and Hamilton Academicals midfielder to join the club, it would undoubtedly be Wathnails biggest ever signing. Even though there is no fee involved nothing can be taken for granted.Transfer target Alphonso DeFabian has gained a reputation down the years of being extremely difficult to work with, a man who possesses one of the biggest ego’s in British football. Listen below to see how the boys fared in their attempt to capture the signature of this flawed superstar..

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Soccer Club Mascots, the growth in this kind of ‘twee’ commercialism comes originally from the USA whereby because of the long periods of inactivity during an American football game some other forms of entertainment were incorporated, hence PomPom girls and it is no coincidence that mascots arrived en masse at the same time as the formation of the Premier league and introduction of pay per view TV. They’re part of the shift away from football as a working class, working man's game in favour of the more affluent middle classes, part of the changing the nature of the game to a mass family appeal.Without the middle classes willing to pay ever higher ticket prices and viewing packages clubs could not afford players from all around the World, their transfer fees, their wages. Now as you well know, I am no socialist, I’m staunch Conservative (I know which side my bread is buttered on). However, I’m Conservative to the point of being a traditionalist, I don’t wish to see distractions to a game, I preferred a time when you went to a ground to stand side by side with your fellow man and every man jack in that crowd understood the offside rule. In my opinion mascots infantalise the game (although PomPom girls are OK, just so long they keep out of the way during the actual game itself).THE REAL DANGERS OF CLUB MASCOTINGThere is real and compelling evidence of the physcological damage of club mascoting. Dr Eugene Gregarious of the University of Oregon did a fascinating study back in the 1980’s of mascots involved in the USA. Men he found, would often retreat into their altar ego’s, many wearing the costumes at home for longer and longer periods, some wanted their wives to have sex with them whilst still attired. They would crave the limelight and actually scout out opportunities to appear as the mascot, volunteering for even the smallest of events, kids birthday parties and the like. His most famous case was one Larry Huffbagle who as a devoted Seattle fan took on his role of Sandy the loveable chipmunk to extremes, eventually living as a human chipmunk, he began sleeping up a tree in a local wood adjacent to his teams ground. He became ever more wild, eating only nuts, berries and the occasional bird chick. Finally he was incarcerated in a mental hospital after biting the hand of a young child as she was feeding real chipmunks in the park. Surely this study is another good reason why maybe the football league should think again about this menace within the game

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