Ep66 Stages of Love to…Somewhere
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Hello and Welcome
to the Way of the Emotional Warrior Podcast.
My name is Kai Ehnes and today we will be answering the question of:
What are the stages of love?
At the time
of this writing, the current divorce rate in the U.S. is 44.6%. So, just under
1 out of every 2 marriages end in divorce. Hm…Do those lucky ones who fell in
love and then propose think about this statistic? Let’s assume that you want to
be married for the duration of your lifetime. How can you find success in
endeavor?
It turns out
that science has studied the nature of relationships. Its not necessarily about
following any specific method of relationship success but rather knowing what’s
actually supped to happen and how you can extract from all those methods what
works in your own relationship. Again, I do want to point out that
relationships require effort. Leave it unattended and weeds start to grow and
take over.
Ok. I don’t want to be part of the divorce
rate statistic. What do I do?
It begins
with knowing the stages of relationships. Stage one is Falling in love. Passion
energy is strong. A baseline lust type of passion. Alongside that builds
intimacy but it does so at a slower rate. Neuroscience has shown that cortisol
is secreted in these stages. This helps people to overcome the fear of this new
and possible relationship. Yes you want it but Oh my, I am also nervous about
what that means.
So think
about it, this initial stage means that there is a frenzy plus the desire to
bond. This is great right? Well…it last about 6 months. So for these 6 months
the relationship is fairly easy. You have full neurochemical support and can’t
make bigger decisions because of reduction of brain activity in higher
cortexes.
Let’s say
you make it the 6 months. Now comes stage 2 which is passionate love. You
transition into quite easily and you are seeking safety and harmony with your
partner. Things become comfortable and this lasts for years. Neuroscience shows
that oxytocin is active in this stage forming strong bonds.
Next we get
to companionate love. The passion starts to decrease while commitment and
intimacy grows. The relationship becomes one of being Best friends. Commitment
begets the reward of intimacy. Intimacy is about being close. This is crucial
for the survival of the relationship. That bond with someone is amazing.
In 2007
Robert Sternberg coined the term “triangular love theory.” He stated that
couples go through these 3 stages. He shows that different combinations and
intensities of these 3 stages play out with couples. He also found that people
progress in predictable ways. The key to what he found for this episode is that
successful long term relationships have a combination of multiple stages
simultaneously. Meaning falling in love and passionate love develop together.
Throw in a bit of companionate love and something else can slow down a bit. In
the end, strong long term couples continually put effort into all 3 areas of
love.
Time to see
how it applies to an Emotional Warrior: If you are someone looking for the One
then that means you want a healthy long term relationship with that person. Sternberg calls this consummate love. This is
the perfect couple. Their sex lives are good, they enjoy being together with
the other person, they are gracious through their difficulties and both people
truly love Being with the other one.
In addition,
emotional warriors know that this type of relationship is extremely special.
That means effort is at the top of the list. Both people put forth the effort.
When someone needs support, the other person is fully there to give it. When
things are good they are easy, when it gets more difficult then more effort is
required. When both people harness more of their positive emotional vibrations
then the relationship...
