We Want The D

Leaves are crunching underfoot and the smell of pumpkin spice is in the air, and you know what that means D-Lovers: time to watch some lousy Disney TV Movies because they haven't made enough theatrically released Halloween films! This year we're kicking things off with the House of Mouse's first attempt at turning a ride into a movie with TOWER OF TERROR. A story about a child murder plot (in that a child was both the victim and the murderer) anchored by a barely-there Steve Guttenberg and a very present Kristen Dunst, all set in a spooky Hollywood Hotel which for some reason was allowed to remain abandoned for sixty years rather than bought up and redeveloped. And that's just the beginning of this strange tale!

This week's movie gets filed under both subgenre "horse movie" and subgenre "war movie" in the Disney canon. But despite those promising categories, MIRACLE OF THE WHITE STALLIONS is dry like a cracker...though still not altogether unpleasant. It's sort of like the dressage style tricks the titular White Stallions do (in multiple extended sequences) - we understand that there's supposed to be something cool and impressive about it, but it just isn't quite coming through. Just like how we understand the lead of this movie is meant to be Austrian, but he's just coming off as corn-fed Nebraskan.

Sometimes, D-Lovers, you hope against hope that something that looks like a duck and quacks like a duck just isn't a duck. In this case, we looked at Disney's THE DEVIL AND MAX DEVLIN and hoped that just because it's a Ron Miller-led 80s movie pre-Touchstone, and just because it stars Elliott Gould (who we've already learned isn't really "on-brand" for Disney as a leading man), and just because *sigh* Bill Cosby is also in it, that somehow it might not be as bad as it looks on paper. Turns out, it might be worse.

It's the end of an era here on We Want The D as we bid farewell to one of the brightest Disney stars who has faded all too quickly. CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN may not be Lindsay Lohan at her best (especially when Mean Girls came out the same year), but there's a charm to this movie that our hosts can't deny. Maybe it's Alison Pill putting in work as the plain best friend; maybe it's the stylized-if-inconsistent directorial vision; maybe it's the most insane wardrobe collection we've seen to date. Whatever it is, it made for quite the send-off for our dear LiLo (no, not the little Hawaiian girl).

Picture it, D-Lovers. Toyland. What kind of place of imagination and wonder would have such a name? The mind boggles with the possibilities, doesn't it? Unfortunately, if you want to find out we can't recommend that you watch Disney's BABES IN TOYLAND because despite the title, Toyland takes a shocking amount of time to make an appearance and even then...well, let's just say we hope you really like Ed Wynn. That said, if you want to see Ray Bolger pussyfoot around, TWO Corcoran brothers, and like, five Annette Funicello's singing about how dumb they are, this movie might be up your alley.

It's not déjà vu you're experiencing, D-Lovers; Disney really did make another adaptation of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court a mere three years after the one we watched a few months ago. They really did return to the same location in Budapest. They really did use one of the same lead actresses. Really, the only thing they did differently is instead of a kid who travels through time (and reality - remember that King Arthur and Camelot did not exist) it's Whoopi Goldberg. Which of course means despite being a TV movie, this is obviously the superior adaptation...though don't get it twisted, that's damning A KNIGHT IN CAMELOT with faint praise.

The deep in our dive into the Disney canon we're getting used to seeing some familiar faces in front of and behind the camera. Fred MacMurray, Vincent McEveety, Kurt Russell, Harry Morgan - when their names pop up we know we're in that special era of 1960s/1970s live action Disney. Of course, there were other signs that could have tipped us off in CHARLEY AND THE ANGEL. An old dad, an extended car chase, a completely unexpected and probably unnecessary mobster subplot. But none of our hosts were expecting to see another movie in which an "angel" reveals themselves to the main character not as a benevolent and guiding force of light and good, but as a grim spectre of looming death and disaster. But that's Disney for you!

Smell that D-lovers? There's something in the air, something that portends of things to come...the start of three picture deal between a mega-star in the making and a movie studio on the cusp of its all en-compassing takeover of the entertainment industry. It smells delicious, but dangerous. What could it be, that smell coming from the kitchen? Ah, that's right - it's THE GAME PLAN. That's what The Rock is cooking! The first of the three collaborations between Dwayne Johnson and Disney, this story of a star athlete who is somehow still on a seemingly time-limited quest for a Super Bowl Big Game championship ring getting his life upturned by the arrival of a young daughter he didn't know existed is a little bit paint-by-numbers, but the charisma that Rock "The Dwayne" Johnson would ride into our hearts and box office gold is still on full display.

In this modern era of countless sequels, reboots and remakes, the question that often arises is "are any of these movies necessary?" It's a question our hosts feel qualified to answer now that our Summer of Sequels has drawn to a close. Our answer? Nah, probably not. And Disney's direct-to-video POCAHONTAS II: JOURNEY TO A NEW WORLD is exhibit A. The original Pocahontas is a pretty dull movie Disney had no right to make that somewhat justified its existence thanks to some truly stellar animation. The sequel double down on all that, but cuts the animation quality by at least two-thirds. If the best thing that can be said about your movie is that it no longer features Mel Gibson's voice, but still features his younger brother, you know you're in deep trouble.

Who could have imagined that a made-for-tv series of films would end up being such a core pillar of our Disney film podcast? It's been quite a journey we've gone on with Mal, Evie, Carlos and Jay along with the rest of the gang from Auradon and the Isle of the Lost. There's been up and downs; bad choreography and certified bangers; chaste hugs and hammy performances; horny lakes and showdowns between demigods. DESCENDANTS 3 has a big task ahead of it to bring such a saga to a close, so let's not waste anymore time and see how they did.