We Will Fix You

Every unit of Fungible Productivity Meat, or "worker", experiences times when they simply don't have enough to do. When the boredom is clawing at your skull, what to do? Let us tell you. ​​​​​​​

When the honeymoon period in a relationship ends, it can be hard keeping the spark of pure nasty alive, especially when, like our poor questioner here, you don't have a basement oubliette for "sexy" "captive" "roleplay". What to do, what to do? We'll tell you.​​​​​​​

Valentines' Day is upon us, and with it the reminder that not all relationships are good or healthy. We look at some ways of helping people in emotionally unhealthy situations. Two jokes maximum, but there's a good 'un at the end. If you know of any useful resources for people dealing with this, let us know on @wewillfixyou and we'll add them here.

With every habitable home having been bought for buy-to-let off the profits of illegal raves in the 90s, it can be hard to find a house of one's own, and that means no pets. What are some viable alternatives that will provide the same warm glow of companionship as inviting a wild animal in to poop on your floor?

As astute listeners of this show, you can't have failed to notice that the world has taken a turn for the grim out there. What pathways exist for those who would rage against the dying of the light? We mentioned some charities. They could do with money.

It's sad when you need a job but you don't really want a job but also you'll starve to death if you don't do what capitalism demands of you. Don't worry though, we're here with helpful advice. We will fix you.

It's hard when you're in an iron lung and desperate for amusement, conversation, or base, vulgar, carnal relief. Thankfully our raw empathy and insight lets us put ourselves in your hospital booties to come up with some pretty compelling solutions. We Will Fix You.

What's the etiquette for handling a Facebook friend whose sudden belief in a flat Earth, Stanley Kubrick's moon landing footage, and the Reverse Vampires is hampering what used to be a pleasant digital acquaintanceship? We can help. We will fix you.

Our intrepid advice-givers weigh in on New Years' resolutions - how to keep them, if they work, whether or not to bother at all.

When you're lucky enough to be invited to three different parties, how do you choose between them? Team We Will Fix You have some ideas, and now you have to listen to them.