This week has really pushed me to my limits (largely self-inflicted). Niamh says the marathon training at this point is at its peak - you start feeling it in every aspect of your life. I have needed so much sleep - I left work early on Thursday not sure what was wrong with me and went home to sleep for 3 hours. I slept in for an extra 2 hours on Saturday. A new project at work has me more stressed than it should - I am not sure whether this is cause or effect. I spent the week confused about the signals I was receiving from someone who turned out to be quite avoidant which drove me into a panicked anxiously attached person. Why am I so quick to chase something that doesn't really exist? Why was I so torn up over this? I do not know.
There was a lot to learn here. Lots of good things to draw upon. When you have these unrealistic expectations they show you more about what you want than what that person is - things that instead you should follow and strive for regardless.
Also, in rejection I often find a wild sense of freedom. Less attachment to things I previously felt important. And as such, a lot of pre-conceived rules go out the window. One of which is what constitutes a "song". This week I have done something different, albeit lower effort. Radio, acoustic guitar drones, spoken word, and a touch of ableton.
I am reminding myself that there is actually very little that I NEED to do. The rest is just pressure from myself. I'm going easy on myself. Taking care. Carrying on. I hope you all are too.
There have also been nice things this week. Friends supporting me. Time with my mum and sister. Catching up with my ex for the first time since we broke up and feeling a nice sense of comfort and closure - it's lovely to see the positive things happening in her life since. I saw some tawny frogmouths, a king parrot, many lorikeets.
Again, apologies for my absence on listening to your tracks. When I have more time and energy again, I will be back.
like a rope in the wind
I fray the edges of my brain
worrying about things outside the domain
of my control
"let if unfold"
"things will work out in the end"
"this is the path that leads you to your future you"
I know these to be true but I'm tired
I'm tired
I stare at the plate knowing I'm hungry yet I feel no desire to eat right now
the burden of having a bright mind is that turned on itself it can blind you
"this too shall pass"
"patience is a virtue"
"good things come to those who wait"
but, I'm going back to bed
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