Is it sinful for a wife to withhold sex when she's upset at her husband? Is it unfair if they've planned to make love, but then he does something to upset her, so she doesn't want to anymore?

The truth is, emotional connection is the foundation for good lovemaking in marriage. If a wife is upset, she is not in a good place to make love. She shouldn't try to force her body to communicate a closeness, connection, and intimacy that her heart doesn't feel. 

If a wife is not experiencing physical and emotional equilibrium, the husband must respect that and surround her with care and affection, as Humanae vitae says when it warns that practices such as birth control which lead to an entitled attitude towards sex are dangerous because a husband "may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection." (Humanae vita, 17).

To talk about "withholding" sex implies an entitled attitude. Sex is not something husbands and wives are entitled to in marriage--even if there is a common expectation that sex is part of marriage. 

The Catholic Church does not teach that it is a sin for a wife to decline lovemaking in any circumstances. She is always free to do so. Husbands are also always free to decline. 

It is possible that a wife may use lovemaking in a manipulative manner to try to control her husband's behavior, but this is objectifying herself, and she shouldn't do that. 

Instead, a wife should use words to explain why she is upset, and the couple should repair the relationship. Then, they can celebrate that repair with lovemaking... when it's the right time.

A couple may need to increase their marriage skills in order to be able to have good, honest dialogue and get equipped to navigate good repair conversations. If they can tend their emotional connection, they'll be in a good place to celebrate that with their physical intimacy. 

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Free Enhancing Marital Intimacy Guide for Catholic Women: 9 Skills for Body, Mind, and Spirit (for married and engaged women)

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