What's the value?

Elayna is a bestselling author, international speaker, and entrepreneur (best known for her award-winning blog thePositiveMOM.com). Those accomplishments are all impressive but they don't begin to do justice in conveying the insights she has about life, pain, and love. Elayna calls herself a "student of pain" because of all the trauma she has been through (e.g., being raised in a slum in Dominican Republic, being kidnapped and brutally assaulted, and spending 8 days in a coma; among other things). Many people might say that all of that trauma made her stronger and turned her into the person she is today. But as Elayna explains it, the trauma did not make her stronger, her ability to learn from and overcome that trauma made her stronger. 

It is a seemingly subtle distinction but I find it super profound, which is on theme for much of this conversation. Elayna picked ''being a student" as her most important value because she believes if you approach life with a learning mindset no situation can be too big to overcome. Sometimes you can figure it out on your own, sometimes you might need help, but either way it allows you to continue searching for solutions. She is clearly a testament to this given her lived experiences.

One of the biggest take-aways I had was a simple question Elayna asks her kids to gauge how she is doing as a mom; "do you feel loved?" As we know there is no blue print or handbook that gives you all the answers in life, so the way Elayna deals with that is by focusing on what matters most to her, love. If her kids feel loved it doesn't mean she is doing everything right but it does mean she's giving them the most important thing she can--and that is enough. Interestingly as we worked through the discussion we realized that question can be asked to ourselves as well. When we are unsure if we are making the right decisions, or doing enough, or worth anything; we can ask ourselves "do I feel loved?" And if the answer is yes, something must be going right in our life.

Dr. Lycka was a highly successful cosmetic dermatologist when he received a life changing diagnosis of ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) and thought his life was over. Fortunately, Dr. Lycka kept searching for more answers and eventually realized he was misdiagnosed. Once he got a second chance on life, he started to view things from a very different perspective. He began to simplify his life and focus on the things that really mattered to him (e.g., being of service to others). This has all led to a successful career as an author, podcast/radio host, and speaker; all geared around providing guidance on how to live a "fantastic life."

The thread throughout the conversation with Dr. Lycka was around better understanding that simple, yet impactful approach to life. I tend to view life as extremely complex and nuanced, making simple approaches to life good in theory but difficult to actually execute. I appreciated Dr. Lycka's thoughtful responses to these questions because I think for many people like me, we desperately want a simple answer, but we just haven't found one that works yet. One of the concepts that came up was the Japanese "ikigai", which provides a very practical framework for finding "your reason for being."

I think if I had to net out Dr. Lycka's advice it says that we need to: 1. figure out what matters to us (our ikigai), 2. determine our non-negotiables in trying to achieve it, and 3. take on more risk and continuously work towards it (although he articulates it much better in his book and his "13 pearls of wisdom"). As I read those words I know there is a lot of wisdom and good advice in there, but I think as Dr. Lycka would acknowledge, it can be a long, difficult journey to get to a place where you are able to act on it. Or maybe it can be a really simple process if we follow the right steps. That is the beauty of this show and of life; we get to explore all the different perspectives on getting to our version of a "fantastic life."

Hillary is a cultural anthropologist, author, teacher and mixed-media storyteller with a focus on theater anthropology and cross-cultural perspectives on human consciousness. She has an undergraduate degree in journalism, an MA in philosophy of mind, and a PhD in existential psychology. That background is a jackpot if you are interested in having a conversation about human nature and values. Hillary describes her work as exploring how we human beings make meaning of this wonderful, terrible, ecstatic, startling, and often absurd world in which we live. Game on.

Hillary started with a really interesting and important value, "pulling back the blinders." The reason for that value is that she wants to understand and engage with the world in the purest possible way. So to do that she needs to expand her perspective to try to see the world for what it really is, not just the limited view we have as an individual. It is funny, in conversations like this I almost have to be careful because we have such similar perspectives/values. I want to make sure we don't group think into believing we have all the answers or this is the only way to view life. Luckily, Hillary had a really good perspective and was super humble/open minded--no surprise given her value.

There was so much I enjoyed about this discussion, but two little nuggets that stood out were: 1. the idea of tying to view the world from a different "window." We all have baggage, biases, and perspectives that constructs the window we see the world from. Hillary wants to find opportunities where ever she can to try to peak out of different people's windows to get a more complete view of the world. And 2. when I asked Hillary how she made sense of the universe she said she views it like jazz music. By that she meant it is free flowing and not controlled in any rigid way, but at the same time there is a unifying rhythm that keeps it all connected. Really great discussion and really thought provoking all around.

Kaci has a really varied and interesting background. She is an Army Veteran, Author, Life Coach, Doctorate in Psychology, Ordained Minister, and a deep thinker about the spiritual aspects of the universe. This was fitting given the way our conversation went too, as we covered a lot of different areas. Kaci started with "purpose" as her most important value and it became evident really quickly how important spirituality played into knowing her purpose. This wasn't a traditional, religion based spirituality but more about understanding the underlying essence of who you are and why you do the things you do. 

This segued into some really interesting and unique perspectives on the universe, the bible, extraterrestrial life, and reincarnation--among other things. As we acknowledged during the discussion, this may seem too far out there for some people. When the idea of "lizard people" comes up that is usually a sign you might start losing some people who think the conversation has gone crazy. And I get that. But given the most likely explanation of our universe (based on science) is that something as small as an atom, inexplicably exploded and expanded to become the size of the universe as we know it today; it kind of makes it seem like all possibilities should be at least worth considering.

What I really enjoyed about the conversation too, was that we brought it back to our every day lives. Given there are so many different aspects of our existence, most of which we will never fully understand, it would be easy to say "I shouldn't even bother trying to be thoughtful about my purpose or the right way to live." But as Kaci explained, the most important thing for us to understand is ourselves. We all have different paths in life, but the key is to do the work to understand how you ended up on your path, if it works for you, and how it drives you going forward. This was a really fun convo with Kaci, so big thanks to her for being on the show.

"Who told you that any of this was going to be easy?" That is the quote that stuck out most to me from this conversation. My guest Mark has an extremely popular TEDx Talk called "Why we choose suicide." If you haven't heard it, it is a really moving and profound description of what it is like to be in a mental health crisis and how Mark felt in the moments he contemplated taking his own life. Mark is now an author, mental health advocate, and media commentator who focuses very heavily on trying to help those in a very similar position to the one he found himself in during his darkest hours.

The value Mark has found to be most impactful as he has worked towards improving his mental health is "patience." Mark believes the key to his well being is rooted in having the patience to let situations play themselves out and having faith to believe that no matter what the out come, he can find a path forward. Much of the conversation early on centered around the concept of perspective. As Mark put it, often with mental health crises people experience a perceptual collapse. It feels like there are no other options, no other ways to look at the situation, and therefore nothing they can do to help themselves.

This discussion was really fascinating as we talked about suicide, mental health treatment, biology vs. psychology, and the role faith/religion may play in mental health. Mark is extremely knowledgeable on these topics and allowed for us to get really deep into exploring them. If you've never experienced a mental health crisis this episode provides some really good insight into what that experience can be like. So often we feel like we shouldn't ask someone about these issues or talk about suicide because it is too uncomfortable or inappropriate, but as with most things the only hope we have of making progress is by talking about them. And as we said in the beginning "who said life was supposed to be comfortable anyway?"

My favorite quote from this discussion was "the teacher hasn't taught until the student has learned." There is something about it that is so eloquent, simple, logical, and profound. It speaks to the importance of being humble, listening, and considering other people; rather than just being in our own head. So much of this conversation with Mac circled around these topics. 

Mac is an author of a new book, Positive Masculinity Now, which takes a deep dive into gender expectations, socialization, and messaging. He is a life long martial artist, with a black belt in numerous different areas. Mac is also a trans-man and activist. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think the last piece was going to be the major focus of the conversation.

We certainly discussed the topic of gender fluidity and tried to understand what masculinity really means, how science fits into the discussion, and what role socialization plays in our view of gender. But what I loved is that we spent much of the conversation just talking as people. We talked about Mac's background, his love of teaching, the value martial arts has brought to his life, his value of trying to make a difference in the world, and many other things. That is what I want this show to be about. To explore people and their perspectives, with no agenda, no biases, no preconceived notions--just talk, listen, and learn.

At the end of the discussion we got into a really interesting conversation about rigidity. Mac made the point that being agile is so necessary in a world that is constantly changing. We discussed how important self confidence is to actually be agile, but also why some people think rigidity is a noble trait. They believe it speaks to their conviction and it is necessary to protect themselves from potential "evils" in the world. We had some really insightful dialogue that I truly enjoyed and I hope you all do as well.

As Simone puts it, she "leads an ordinary life filled with extraordinary moments." She is an author ("The Extraordinary UnOrdinary You"), mother of 6 (with 3 adopted children), entrepreneur, and speaker; with a goal to help others realize that the small choices matter and we all have the power to inspire others, just by being who we are. The whole idea of being an "ordinary person" who does special things was really interesting to me. There are so many of us who see people who have climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro (which Simone did) and think "that is a different type of person, I could never do that." That fascinates me, because maybe it is true, or maybe it isn't. So I wanted to talk to Simone get her perspective and try to find out.

Interestingly, Simone started with kindness as her value. She believes that we don't have enough kindness in the world and to get more, each of us needs to figure out what makes us special, what makes us come alive, and what makes us happy. It is only once we do that, that we have the ability to make the (sometimes hard) choice to be kind to others. We spoke a lot about the journey she took to build confidence in herself so that she can live in accordance with her value of kindness. Simone spoke about challenges with her weight, lots of internal self doubt, and how ultimately having kids went a long way to helping her become the person she is today.

Towards the end of the conversation we got into some really interesting philosophical territory. We talked about the importance of having someone who believes in you, so that you can start to overcome your own self-doubt; and how very often for people that someone is "God." We also asked the question: if being kind makes you happy, is that OK? By that I mean, if we are really just being kind because it makes us feel good are there any risks or negative implications to that? Simone had some really interesting thoughts/insights on all of it, so big thanks to her for being on the show and sharing her perspective.

Jason is someone who deeply values philosophy and has dedicated much of his life to searching for "wisdom." He has written 4 books, the most recent "Wisdom- A Very Valuable Virtue That Cannot Be Bought" where he combines psychological research, philosophical principles, and personal insights. He also has a website (valuesofthewise.com) where he tracks thousands of quotes from past thinkers and philosophers. As someone who also deeply values philosophy, this was a conversation I was really intrigued to have.

Jason had some adversity in his childhood, which brought some self esteem issues and a lot of questions about who he was and what life was all about. Once he was introduced to philosophy he set out on a life long journey to acquire knowledge and ultimately "wisdom" to address those questions. As you will hear in the discussion he has gathered a lot of knowledge over the years from philosophers, books, movies, etc. At one  point in the discussion, Jason even mentions the idea of "elitism" when it comes to wisdom, as something he is searching for. He believes those who know more should be viewed with a certain honor.

What I found most intriguing about all of this though was trying to define what "wisdom" actually is. We started the discussion trying to define it and we both acknowledged how hard that is. And I think through much of the conversation, and his life, Jason is trying to figure out how to translate all of the knowledge he has acquired into wisdom. But as you will hear that is really hard to do. It is part of what makes philosophy so amazing but also so frustrating. It is really fun to talk and "philosophize" in the abstract about really deep topics, but when you try to really make it practical and apply it to real life it becomes super difficult. 

I actually kind of wish I pushed on that more in this discussion, because I think there is a lot of insights to be uncovered in that challenge. But overall if you like philosophy, this is a good episode for you. Big thanks to Jason for being on and sharing his thoughts.

Being your truest, most colorful self is where we started this conversation as Kari's most important value. The "truest" part is something we've heard come up often on the show, but colorful was new. So we dove right into that to better understand what Kari meant by colorful, why she thought it was so important, and why so many of us are content to live in the "beige" rather than the color. I love discussions like this one, because on the surface I (and I imagine many others) would agree with this value. We should be colorful, have fun, be expressive, and all of the things that make us who we are. Yet somehow for so many of us it seems unrealistic, scary, or unnatural. 

Kari's background is as a non-traditional coach for women & femme Leaders, which she does mostly through the company she founded, Uproar Coaching. Originally a musical theatre kid, she now has over 15 years experience in supporting "glitterbomb" leaders and organizations through opportunities for transformation. So as you can see, the colorful self concept isn't just words, she really embodies this value in everything she does. The focus she has on women was also an interesting part of the conversation. We explored that a bit to gain a better perspective on how much harder it is to be true/colorful as a woman, which segued into some philosophical thoughts on gender inequality and what if any solutions exist.

Maybe my favorite part of the conversation was towards the end when Kari made a point to say "there is never a reason to not be kind to someone else." That is a fascinating phrase to me because people can do some really shitty things and it can be a hard sell to say we should always be kind to them. But Kari's explanation was super interesting, in that for her kindness is not about saying nice words, or having proper manners, or smiling a lot--kindness is about the intention to help improve the situation and the lives of those around you. Big thanks to Kari for sharing her journey and how she approaches life.

I got connected with Paul through a mutual friend, who just told me that Paul has some really strong, interesting thoughts on life. That is enough for me to be intrigued right away. I love people who have strong opinions and are willing to put them out there for an open discussion, it fits in beautifully to the format/intent of this show. It allows us to learn and uncover deeper insights, in a way that we can't when someone is more guarded. I am glad our friend connected us, because this conversation with Paul was definitely one of these instances.

Paul started with "service" as his most important value and spent much of the discussion illustrating how/why that value is so important to him. As someone with strong opinions, Paul's views aren't for everybody. There are some who will listen and say this guy is naïve, or idealistic, or communist, etc. But Paul is unapologetic in his view that at our root we are on this earth to try to help those in need, minimize unnecessary suffering, and not put our own ego/greed above anyone else. He takes issue with the Elon Musks of the world who think it is OK to hoard resources and exploit people for their own benefit.

But again, the reason I do this show isn't to convince anyone that a particular view is "right" or "wrong." The reason I do it, is to have an authentic, honest discussion about the views people have. To try to explore them and see what can be learned when we pressure test these ideas or try to look at them from a different perspective. To Paul's credit he was totally open to that and welcomed my questions. He didn't always see it the way I did, but he always listened and had a thoughtful response. Listening, thinking, and learning--that is the game. 

I am not sure we settled the big questions of life (e.g., is their an objectively right way to live, can capitalism every work for everyone, do we have a moral obligation to help others, etc.?), but we definitely expanded our perspectives. I know we won't all agree in life, but if we keep reminding ourselves that we share the same objective of trying to figure out how to ease suffering and be better today than we were yesterday, I think it gives us a shot.