What's the value?

Stephen is a globally renowned mystic, spiritual life coach, shaman, tantra master, and author of 12 bestselling, spiritual self-help books. In his words, Stephen aims to help people transform their lives into deep fulfillment, profound self-love, and resounding joy. This was a fun conversation with Stephen, as it focused heavily on the importance of relationships in finding happiness and fulfillment in life. Specifically, Stephen called out 3 values that are most important when it comes to his relationships; loyalty, honesty, and respect.

It was really interesting to discuss this given Stephen's life experiences, including some trauma suffered as a child, a rigid dad heavily focused on achievement above all else, some failed marriages, and a violent attack he suffered that left him with PTSD. These experiences lead him to travel the world for 10 years in search of answers to what life is really about and how he could become more open to genuine relationships. 

We also spent some time towards the end talking about his relationship with his wife and what he thinks makes that so successful. We talked about the importance of finding someone whose underlying values align with yours, which by extension means you must understand yourself and what you value first. As we discussed that is often makes relationships so tough, because we enter into them without really knowing ourselves fully and then just have to hope it will align with the other person. 

Lots of good insights and interesting discussion with someone who has spent much of his life searching for answers to the same questions we debate often on this show. Thanks to Stephen for being on and sharing his story.

Today I decided to go solo and post an episode with some of my thoughts about why I am doing this show, what I've learned, and what I am still searching for. It is a little free flowing and stream of consciousness but hopefully it still makes sense and is interesting. I tried to be honest and openly explore the questions that roam around my mind. I tried to figure out why I need to understand things, why I can't trust my gut feelings/emotions, and if true happiness is ever even allowed. 

I could sense when I first met Sheona, training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, that there was a thoughtful authenticity to her. Among other things, she is super chill, she is a mom, she's an entrepreneur opening a boutique wellness spa, and she willingly goes to 6am BJJ classes to grapple with a bunch of dudes (and often wins). She is also the first person in over 70 episodes of this show to identify "happiness" as the value that is most important to them. 

I feel like that is representative of why we have so much conflict in the world. We all want to be happy I think, but we've made it such a convoluted, complicated mess to try to get there. That is what makes Sheona's perspective on life so intriguing to me. It is so simple (not easy, but simple). She focuses on things that make her happy. She doesn't focus on things or people that don't make her happy. She listens to her gut feelings but also holds thinks deeply and checks herself to make sure her intentions are always positive. Ultimately, Sheona is a believer that we should all be striving to be happy, we shouldn't apologize for it, and we should be willing to put ourselves first if we want to become the highest version of ourselves.

As you might imagine, I spent a good bit of time probing on this to try to understand where the risks were. As a recovering people pleaser it can feel almost incompatible, like my mind can't process the idea of openly worrying about your own happiness over other people. As Sheona explained it though, I understood that this isn't just a "free pass" to be an asshole or selfish. And there is no magic in it that makes you happy all the time. It kind of reminds me of the old Spiderman quote "with great power, comes great responsibility." She explained how empowering it is to truly take ownership over your own happiness. You realize it is up to you, and only you, if you really want to be happy, but with that power comes the responsibility to not abuse it or intentionally cause suffering. It was super interesting to have this discussion and a big thanks to Sheona for being on.

David Wann is an author, filmmaker, market gardener, amateur musician, father, husband and co-founder of a cohousing neighborhood in Colorado, where he's lived for 26 years, providing organic produce for 27 households. In some ways, as you hear Dave speak and look into what he is passionate about (sustainability, community, change), he sounds like what many label a "hippy." In the conversation we actually addressed that head on and Dave was not apologetic or bothered by this label. He feels there are certain ideals, or at least principles, we should all live by to take care of the earth, ourselves, and humanity as a whole.

The two things I found particularly interesting from this conversation were, firstly the juxtaposition of the free spirited "hippy" persona with the deep sense of responsibility and burden to strive for positive change and improvement. There is a very real sense of pressure and burden that Dave seems to feel to live up to his ideal values. That is why the value of "integrity" is so important to him, because it means no matter how hard it gets you stay true to what you believe in. 

The second thing was a common question that comes up on this how, trying to determine if there is one objectively "right" way to live? And if there is, what does it look like, how we do know if we've found it, and how far are we willing to go to ensure everyone lives by it? As a credit to Dave's authenticity but also his conviction, he acknowledged at times he can come off "preachy" or presumptive in what changes he thinks we need to make, but he has been very thoughtful and logical in the formation of his values and he believes in them deeply. This made for a really interesting discussion, where we were able to explore a lot and try to think through to some of life's biggest questions.

As my guest Dr. Rick Chromey said, this episode is particularly fitting for today (Good Friday in the Christian faith). This was a really interesting, insightful, and entertaining conversation about grace, authenticity, faith, and God. Dr. Rick is a theologian, cultural historian, leadership professor, and inspirational speaker. He was super knowledgeable about history, specifically the history of Christianity, which made for a really rich conversation. 

We started the discussion talking about the concept of "grace." I found this really intriguing because as Rick first explained it, in many ways grace seems illogical. The idea of forgiving someone or showing someone deep love/grace when by all accounts they don't deserve it, when by all accounts showing them that grace might actually make things worse, seems crazy. How can we be OK with that? But Rick and I worked through it and came to a theory about how grace might actually be deeply logical.

That lead us to a discussion about God, Adam and Eve, and if perhaps they ultimately made the right decision to "bite the apple." I recognize that sounds blasphemous (quite literally) but what made this conversation so good was that Rick was totally open to exploring this idea. We debated if, despite the utopia they lived in with God, they had to learn the truth about good, evil, and what the world was really all about. These are deep topics, but as I often say, I think there is so much value to engaging in a good faith exploration of them. I know I feel better off for having had this conversation and hearing Rick's views on grace, life, and God. Apologies too, there was a bit of audio issues at times, but nothing too major so hope you all enjoy it.

If I am being totally honest, which is always what I strive for, I initially walked away from this conversation with Jeff frustrated. I was frustrated that I might not have handled it as best as I could have, I was frustrated that it was too combative, and I was frustrated that it didn't lead to the type of productive learning conversation I hope for. But as often happens, when I listened back to the discussion I actually felt a lot better about it. I felt like this modeled what it looks like to have an authentic conversation, where two people don't see the world exactly the same way and that is OK. It was not mean spirited or divisive, but it also wasn't overly friendly or agreeable. Jeff and I debated a lot, we disagreed at times, we agreed at times, we cut each other off at times, we got frustrated at times. But through all of it, we listened to each other. We heard each other and we tried to work through the complexity and nuance of the major issues we face today to get to a better outcome. And for that I am really grateful for Jeff and this episode.

As way of a brief background, Jeff is the host of The Patriot Review and The Patriot Perspective podcasts and a proud midwestern dad, Christian, and Constitutional Conservative American. As you will hear in the conversation, this background and value system leads Jeff to some strong views about what issues we face today as a country and the steps we might need to take to address them. You might not like all of Jeff's views, I didn't necessarily like all of them (although some I did), but again the point is to actually listen to each other and try to learn, and get to better outcomes. To that end you will hear us talk about education, racism, critical race theory, politics, freedom, and civil liberties, among many other things. 

Thank you again to Jeff for being on, for being so open and honest, and for being willing to engage in a discussion with someone he doesn't totally agree with. 

TJ is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who, like many of us, had to face some demons from his past to turn his life around, make something better for his family, and find meaningful success in his life. TJ, like so many of us, lived a lot of his life worrying that he wasn't "normal" or didn't fit in and that lead to him heading down some dark paths to try and find happiness. I always really enjoy these conversations, from a "scientific" perspective because this is a real live use case of someone experiencing some of the worst things life has to offer, having their mind convince them there is no hope, but then eventually finding a way to be happy again. 

I took the opportunity to really dig into how TJ pulled himself back together, what challenges he faced along the way, what strategies he found most useful, and ultimately why he thinks he was able to overcome his past when so many others can't. One of the interesting debates we had was whether the best approach to changing your life is through actions or through deep introspection. TJ has used the concept of "atomic habits" to try to prove to his subconscious mind that the self-doubt he feels is not real, whereas I spend a lot more time thinking about my doubts and trying to logically prove to myself that they are not legitimate. 

Today TJ has his own podcast (Underground Reach) on Entrepreneurship where he tries to help others that feel buried by self doubt and limiting beliefs have breakthroughs and win in life and in business. So we spent some time towards the end understanding why TJ feels that is his true purpose and how the universe helped show him the way. Thanks to TJ for being on and for being so real and open to share his story.

I went into this conversation with Shelley thinking we would spend most of the time talking about the fact that she is a Medium and has a gift/intuition that allows her to speak with spirits. And to be fair, we did spend a good bit of time talking about when she discovered that gift, how her family reacted, and how it forced her to hide it away for almost 35 years until she was comfortable enough embracing it again. In many ways that is why her value of "nurturing and embracing your authentic truth" is so important to her. But what we also ended up talking a lot about was this more philosophical point of how to balance our intuitive feelings with our rational mind.

As I have said many times before, I am an extremely logical person. If I can't explain it clearly, at a base level, then it is hard for me to accept it. Shelley comes from a different place, where she puts much more value in what she feels in her heart. The reason I love doing this show is because it gives me opportunities to explore, debate, and examine really important topics like this with super thoughtful, interesting people. We are all going to see the world through our own lenses, based on the experiences and influences in our life, but truly opening ourselves up to listen to someone who has a different perspective and approach can only be beneficial-- at least that's my belief. 

It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, in this case I don't think I will ever move away from viewing the world in a very logical way (nor do I think Shelley would recommend that), but if I can expand my mind to try and balance it more with understanding my "gut feelings" or intuition that allows me a broader perspective. It allows me a chance to make better decisions in situations where I might not have otherwise. For that reason, along with all of the other interesting insights, I really appreciated this conversation with Shelley.

Joey is a purpose-based relationship coach and host of the Love Launch Podcast (where he asks his guests what love means to them). He also works with entrepreneurs, executives, coaches, and consultants to make their purpose part of their relationships and everyday life. He has been coaching and leading transformational workshops for 20 years and his purpose is about helping people love their life. 

No surprise then that "love" was the value Joey brought to the discussion. What was interesting about it was: 1. Joey had a specific definition of love that may differ from what we normally think of and 2. the reason he values love so much was rooted in his experience as a photographer/videographer. He used to create montage/tribute videos for people where their friends/families/coworkers would record a 15 second clip about the person--and through that process he started to realize how powerful this concept of love could be.

This ultimately took Joey down a path of creating his own podcast and coaching business where he tries to help others create more love in their lives. I really enjoyed this discussion because, although Joey and I come at it from different angles maybe and we use different terms, in many ways we see the world similarly. There is a belief that we often focus on the negatives and are afraid to search for love in our lives because it seems unrealistic or idealistic or embarrassing in some strange way. So Joey's goal is to try to help people gain more clarity about themselves and realize that they can find more love, joy, happiness--whatever phrase you want to use for it, if they are willing to put in the work.

As I often do, I spent some time playing the cynic/devil's advocate to try to test if this was actually realistic. We tried to understand, if love was so compelling and full of goodness, why do humans have such a hard time embracing it? We debated some really interesting ideas as to why this might be and what is the best process (if there is one) for people to try and overcome it. Big thanks to Joey for being on and debating what love means for us.

Birjan has a degree in Business & Political Science and is a graduate of the Heritage Foundation's Leadership Fellowship Academy. He is also the co-founder of The Providence Networks Foundation, a nonprofit designed to serve at-risk youth globally, and is a research analyst in Morningstar's Development Program. As you will hear in this conversation, Birjan is also a strong proponent that Christian, conservative values are critical to allow America to flourish. Much of this is rooted in Birjan's early life, where he was born into a Bulgarian orphanage under harsh conditions, but was adopted at the age of 2 into a conservative family, which was instrumental in his faith & political formation.

I was excited to speak to Birjan, among other reasons, because of how passionate he is about his values (faith, family, and freedom). Any time someone has spent a lot of time thinking about what means most to them and has reached some strong conclusions about it, I find that extremely interesting. I should say too, coming on to a show like this, where the premise is to question, pressure test, and dig deep into the guest's values can be difficult--particularly in today's social climate. I think it takes a lot of courage to come on and speak about your views and have a good faith discussion to openly explore them.

Through much of our discussion, I wanted to try and understand Birjan's values, but maybe as importantly, I wanted to understand their application today. As you might glean from the discussion, Birjan has some political aspirations and has a strong viewpoint about the issues America faces. I wanted to discuss and understand how his Christian values were underpinning those views. I wanted to understand how he thought faith has worked to help our country (and the world) thrive throughout history, but also discuss how it may have failed at times. So we discussed American history and if there was ever an "ideal" period where we got it all "right." We also discussed if there is an inherent conflict between democracy and Birjan's values/beliefs.

This is one of those conversations where it can be very easy, on both sides of the political/societal spectrum, to listen to this conversation and draw a very quick/simple conclusion. My hope for this episode and the podcast is that, in some small way, it demonstrates a more complex, but more beneficial, path where we actually take the time to deeply listen/hear each other. Where even if we don't agree, we figure out a way to better understand the other person because without that understanding I think the odds of us progressing forward are much lower.