What's the value?

Dominion is a Nigerian immigrant who was born not breathing and was physically abused throughout his childhood, both in school and at home. As you'll hear him describe it, he entered this world just trying to survive and viewed much of his early life as living in hell. Through faith in God and a lot of hard work though, he was able to change his mindset and change his life. He is now a college graduate who played division 1 football and has 2 businesses, who is chasing his dream towards the NFL and greatness. It is hard for him to even imagine sometimes the life he lives now, but it is a testament to believing in yourself and your higher purpose.

What I really enjoyed about this conversation is that we got to explore two really important (and difficult) aspects of trying to improve. The first is how to find your purpose and motivation to actually make a change? It sounds really good to say you felt like you were living in hell and now you're in a better place, but what does that really mean? How do you actually do that and make it real? Among other things Dominion described, it was really interesting to hear him say that as a kid he honestly didn't even know being "great" or "happy" was an option, he just thought life was all about survival. 

Then the second aspect of improvement we explored was the philosophical question of: is grinding your whole life to reach your goals actually worth it? That might sound like a stupid question to ask, but I think it is important. Dominion works really hard. He believes you have to be crazy to achieve the important things in life, because it is so hard and so much work. So we talked about if there is any fear in that; if there any fear that you do all that work and one day realize it actually wasn't worth it? This is important because I know for many people listening (any myself) the fear of putting in all the work and not getting the outcome you want is one of the biggest deterrents. 

With all that said, a story like this one, if nothing else has to be inspiring. We may not all see the world exactly like Dominion does, we may not aspire towards the same things; but seeing someone make a deliberate decision to create a better life and then do the work to create it is something we can all learn from.

Sylvia is a certified TRE Provider (Trauma Releasing Exercises) that truly believes stress really is the root of all evil and can be addressed through TRE treatment. I will be honest, part of the reason I was excited to talk to Sylvia is because I didn't really know much about TRE and what I did know sounded a little fuzzy to me. I was curious to understand more, not just about the treatment, but also about her as a person. How did she get into it, what made her such a believer in it, and how did it fit into her overall approach to life?

This really was one of the more fun and interesting conversations I have had. Sylvia started off talking more broadly about gratitude as her number one value, so we spent some time talking about the power of gratitude and how to be genuinely grateful (even when life sucks sometimes). Then we spent some time talking more specifically about TRE and she was gracious enough to answer all my questions as I tried to understand how it actually worked. Then we finished off the discussion trying to better understand what makes us (rhetorical "us") so skeptical and hesitant to try new things, even when they seem to be beneficial. We hypothesized about the underlying psychology that might drive that and how big a role fear plays into it. 

For those who were more like me, and maybe a little skeptical about TRE or other "body work" exercises to improve your well being, I really encourage you to check this episode out. You will learn a little more about TRE, a little more about Sylvia, and maybe even a little more about yourself. A big thanks to Sylvia for making the time and for helping me to think and grow a little bit more.

Evolution would be the word that comes to mind most after this conversation with Scott. I had the opportunity to work as an intern a while back at Madison Square Garden Sports (NY Knicks, Rangers, etc.) when Scott was running the organization. I didn't know him that well, but my view of him was similar to most people who had only heard of him through the news and other public info. He was super successful, worked really hard, was very competitive, and enjoyed "winning" (e.g., closing the big deals, getting the big promotions, etc.). As Scott puts it sometimes, that was the "warrior" phase of his life. I don't disparage that at all and in many ways I can very much relate to it.

What makes Scott so interesting though is, although he has been super successful (started his own company, was an executive with the NBA, was President of Madison Square Garden Sports, CEO of the 76ers/Devils, etc.), he has evolved as a person and redefined what "success" means for him. He seems to find a deeper sense of purpose and happiness from the things he now values most, "faith, family, and love of people." He is the first to acknowledge though that every one has a different path in life, so he is not preachy or judgmental. The big message he is trying to share (especially through his book "Be Where Your Feet Are: Seven Principles to Keep You Present, Grounded, and Thriving") is it is about the process. We can never know for sure how things will work out; we can’t control all the variables. But we can be self reflective, we can be honest with ourselves, and we can be intentional about what matters most. If we can do that, the odds of us finding true happiness in life goes up significantly. Scott made this very real too because he was open about the failures and bumps he has had along the way. The journey is messy and is not always easy. He’s been broke, he’s been fired, and he’s had his best friend commit suicide. Despite how dark life can get though, he’s learned that there are things we can do for our own mental, spiritual, and physical well being that allow us to still find joy. It was really insightful to talk through all of this with him and get a deeper understanding of his approach to life.

At the age of 16, Riya founded FutureOfUs, an online platform that empowers youth to learn about the future through literary means. They have over 300 volunteers writing about their opinions on politics, the environment, fashion, and much more. Now 18 years old, Riya has spoken at a TEDx event and other tech conferences and is writing her own book. It should come as no surprise then that Riya's value was educating and engaging the youth to get more involved in solving the problems of today's world. She believes that the youth certainly don't have all the answers but it only makes logical sense to include them in the discussions, because the more diversity of thought we get, the better chance we have to solve these complex problems. This makes a lot of sense to me. Why wouldn't we want to get the additional perspective of those who aren't as jaded or burdened by the biases we all develop as we age? 

This was one of those episodes where I spent most of the show trying to pressure test and identify potential holes in Riya's logic (maybe to a fault). I did this not to try and prove her wrong, but because I think her approach is a good one so I wanted to test it as best I could to make sure. What really surprised me was the humility she expressed throughout the discussion. Riya constantly acknowledged there were things she didn't know enough about, that she might have her own blind spots, and that we need to work together to solve the problems we face. This was so important to her that as we discussed towards the end of the show, one of the biggest things she is trying to teach the youth today is to focus on being humble and admitting they don't know everything. Her belief is that can be taught at a young age and then carried throughout life.

As I listened back to this episode, I recognized I may have went a little bit "fan boy", but when someone basis their approach to life in logic and humility it is hard not to be a fan of that. It was interesting to note though, when I pressed Riya to try and understand where this approach to life came from--this drive to try and fix the world through educating the youth-- a lot of it had to do with her upbringing in Silicon Valley. She was raised in an environment that deeply believed the use of data and technology should be used to constantly improve our lives. The cynic in me wonders if the big tech companies in Silicon Valley are the best sources of inspiration for fixing the world. But that aside, I walked away from this discussion with a good deal of optimism about Riya and the youth movement she is trying to build. Only time will tell if the youthful optimism and humility will stay with her throughout her life, but I like where it is taking her thus far.

Shane is a good friend of mine and someone with an approach to life that I admire. He has been successful in the traditional sense; did well in school, is an executive at a fortune 500 company, has a beautiful family, etc. But the thing I really admire about him is his confidence and authenticity. I should say the confidence he has in his authenticity. As someone who spent most of my life as a people pleaser, I have always valued other people who can walk that line of being confident and true to who they are, without coming off as arrogant or an asshole-- that is Shane. It speaks directly to his value of "balance" too. He believes the key to life is maintaining balance in everything we do, not least of which is how we form our opinions and beliefs. Shane tries not to get too extreme or let his emotions run too hot, because he recognizes he doesn't know everything and that most things in life are nuanced. 

This made for an interesting episode because typically people who value balance lack conviction. They can see the good and bad in almost anything. Shane even had some concern that it wouldn't be a popular episode, since these days people seem to strongly gravitate towards extreme views. I actually found it somewhat refreshing though. I think a lot of us see the appeal of being more balanced but we struggle to do it. What do we do if we see something we don't like or is causing harm? How do we judge others if we don't know for sure how they got to their conclusions or beliefs? Does it ever make sense to get emotionally charged up about any issue? All of these questions put the idea of balance to the test, so Shane and I tried to work through the philosophical logic of it all.

When the convo wraps up stick around for a few minutes of afterthoughts too. Shane and I stayed on and dug a little deeper into why values matter and pondered if "feeling good" is actually the one true value that guides all of our lives. And if it is the thing we all value most, is that OK? Is that inherently a problem for humanity or is it a good thing to strive for? I thought this was interesting so I threw it in as a little bonus to the episode. As always thanks for listening and I hope you enjoy it.

Imagine a scenario where a white person is riding in a cab and notices the driver has brown skin and seems to be from a country in Asia or the Middle East. So the passenger thinks "I like to be friendly, I am going to ask this person where they are from. Maybe they are from Pakistan or India and they like cricket. I love cricket so it would be fun to talk to them about that." For some people that seems like a completely innocent, maybe even kind of act of making a human connection. For others that is a microaggression that is asking a person of color (who also happens to be in a situation with an uneven power dynamic) to make their personal info available to appease a white person. Is one of those people right? What is the responsibility of the passenger and/or the driver in that situation, if any? How big of a problem is this?

These are all questions I find fascinating, important, and very complex. That is why I enjoyed so much the conversation I had with Leyla. As way of background, Leyla is the founder and CEO of Diverse Minds UK Ltd. where she enables organizations to create mentally healthy and equal workplaces through coaching, training, speaking and consultancy-- not just because it is the right thing to do but because it improves productivity, innovation, and results. We talked about this exact "cab driver" scenario and many others in our personal lives and professional lives. Given Leyla's experience and thoughtfulness on the topic it made for a really rich, insightful discussion. We tried to understand how she applies her value of "constructive change" to her work and her personal life to make the world a better, more equitable place. But we didn't take the easy way out, we tried to answer the hard, meaningful questions that get to the core of why this goal is so incredibly difficult. 

At the end of the day, Leyla is a believer that we have to start by making people be more aware and more humble about the idea that sometimes the way we think or the actions we take hurt other people without us even knowing it. She believes that there are principles we can apply to be more thoughtful and considerate to those around us and if we all take small actions every day in alignment with these principles the world should be a better place. I really hope Leyla is right and that is why we spent so much time pressure testing and examining that theory. As I mentioned, these are incredibly complex and nuanced problems, so I am not sure how realistic it is for us to "solve" them; but I do agree that if each of us can exhibit a little more humility, it will help move us in the right direction.

The tag line on Jertaker's profile read, "I’m an American Musician, Entrepreneur, Content Creator, Wrestler and Student Nurse from Buffalo NY." That was intriguing right away and as I looked into him more I realized he was a Youtube content creator, who did crazy things on video (getting pepper sprayed, tasered, etc.), made his own music videos, and wrestled in an independent wrestling league. I like to think of my self as an open minded, non judgmental person, but even I quickly started to draw a conclusion about who "Jertaker" was. He must be one of these young people who thinks life is all about getting likes and attention. He is a product of the age we live in now, where it is all superficial social media stuff and no one ever really wants to grow up to take on real world responsibility.

But that is why I do this show. I don't want to be that person that just assumes or judges people based on some preconception I have about life. I want to understand what, if anything, is actually underneath someone like Jertaker's approach to life. I want to get to have an in depth conversation to see what it's really all about. What I learned from this conversation and his value of "fully experiencing life" (which we realized mid way through was actually his value); is that this was not superficial at all for Jertaker. The approach he is taking, to try and fully embrace life, live it to the fullest, and experience as many different things as he can is very real and logical to him. He loves life and learning new things. He has realized that he loves music, and content creation, and marketing, and nursing, and wrestling, and on and on. The interesting thing about him though is that, unlike me and many others, he doesn't have a voice in his head that tells him "well that is too much, you need to settle down and pick something to focus on." That idea of limiting yourself makes no sense to him. Why would you not do all the things you enjoy?

In many ways I very much get his philosophy on life and think it makes a lot of sense. Too many of us are too conditioned to believe that this life style is immature or aimless and we are "not allowed" to live that way, and maybe that is a mistake. To be fair though, there are some risks to it. We talked about personal relationships and how they suffer for Jertaker because he is optimizing for experiences and achievements, rather than deep connections with people. We also talked about the potential risks of always focusing on what makes you happy and that maybe it doesn't leave enough room for self reflection and questioning. Truth be told though, who knows, maybe Jertaker and others like him have figured something out. That if you approach life with extreme optimism and every experience is something new and exciting, you set yourself up for optimal happiness. I don't know, time will tell for Jertaker, but I do know that I have a much better perspective on who he is and how he thinks, thanks to this conversation.

This was another "friend" episode, where I talked to Todd, a friend I have known since middle school. Todd's a dad, a husband, an assistant principal, and someone who believes working hard is the most important value. I have to be honest, even having known Todd for over 30 years it wouldn't have been the first thing I would have guessed for his value, but as he explained it, it made a lot of sense to me. He is someone who was fortunate to be instilled with the value of work ethic at a young age and had an environment that nurtured and supported it throughout his life. So from Todd's perspective it makes perfect sense that it would be his most important value. He's lived his life believing that if you work hard for something you want, you will figure out a way to get it and that is the path to happiness (except when he got cut from the 7th grade basketball team, he is still pretty sour about that). He applies this logic to his career, his health, his parenting, even his social life-- and thus far it has proved effective for him.

What got interesting in this conversation though was pondering if that is a universal recipe for a happy life or if Todd just got lucky? I mean clearly luck always plays a role and in Todd's case he had a lot of things working in his favor. But as every person does, he still faced challenges and adversity in life. From this conversation it would seem Todd believes that with his work ethic, it was a forgone conclusion that he would find a way to overcome them and thrive. There is a part of me that struggles deeply with that concept. It seems too simple, too binary. I am someone who questions everything and needs to know at a very foundational level if the thing I am doing makes sense. Todd is much more willing to ride the wave of success he has had in his life; and if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 

But how would you know if was broke? We talked a lot about this, trying to understand his life philosophy and how much risk there might be in it. I struggled to articulate it during the episode, but what it came down to for me was: if having a deep rooted understanding of what "success" or a "good life" means to you is a prerequisite to being truly happy or if you could be malleable and adopt whatever is generally considered the "right way to live" and as long as you work really hard you will achieve it and be happy. Said another way, can we choose what things will make us happy, then if we put in the work to get them, it is almost a guarantee we will be happy? Or does it require deep reflective thinking, that has to be pressure tested by adversity, to find true happiness? I don't know the answer, but I really appreciate Todd bringing a new perspective that made me ask the question.

Will is a youth and equality Activist, Solution-Focused practitioner, a Speaker, and LGBTQ+. As Will put it, "with my lived experience as a queer and genderqueer individual, I believe I bring a nuanced take on issues affecting Young People, particularly those from marginalized backgrounds." I was very excited to talk to Will because I wanted to learn. I wanted to learn directly from someone who could shed light on two areas it is almost impossible for me to fully understand-- how youth view the world today and what is means to be genderqueer. These are topics which can be super emotionally charged and carry a lot of societal baggage. They are complex and messy, which is why they can be so difficult to talk about.

I really appreciated Will's willingness to open up about their experiences and emotions. It was really helpful to hear in their words what it was like to feel fundamentally "wrong" just for being yourself. It is so easy as someone who has never experienced that to not fully embrace and accept what that must be like. It helps me to understand so much more about Will's value of "caring" and why that is so important. To try and prevent anyone else from having to feel that way, to try and get to a place in the world where people can feel accepted for whoever they choose to be. At the same time, we talked about the practical/societal challenges of this. We didn't shy away from the idea that maybe that is too idealistic. Maybe human nature and the world is such that some people are always going to feel "on the outside." 

In one of my favorite parts of the discussion, towards the end, Will and I tried to model what a healthy conversation about these sensitive topics could look like. I tried to be as honest as I could about not fully understanding what non-binary or genderqueer meant, not in a hateful way, but in an honest way. If we hope to get people at scale to be more caring and accepting, we have to understand what hurdles are preventing them from doing so. We have to get to the truth of where the issues might be and Will and I agreed that the only way to do that is to dive right into the mud and messiness. So we both tried to be as open and authentic as we could about the topic. 

Some people might look at an episode like this and think, "oh great more people virtue signaling about equality" or "oh great another straight white guy trying to put the burden on a marginalized person to explain why people should care." I don't know, I am humble enough to acknowledge some of that might be true. But as Will said, if we could put those stigmas and the baggage aside, maybe we can just view it as two people trying to learn and be better people. I really appreciate you all for listening and I hope you enjoy this one.

Sometimes when I do these shows I worry if there is any value being generated. When I finish recording and I am processing what we spoke about, I worry it is redundant and not helpful to keep talking to people about these types of topics (e.g., meaning of life, how do we improve, what makes life so challenging, etc.). I worry it is all going to sound like the same conversations recycled. But then something cool happens. I go back and listen to the episode before I publish it and I find myself deeply entrenched in the discussion and insights. I mean, I really love and enjoy these conversations and find everyone one of them interesting and valuable in their own ways. I feel compelled to say, that is not me tooting my own horn. It is entirely possible that I am the only one that feels that way, but that's OK. 

Back to this episode though, LaPora was no different for me. She is a life coach and motivational speaker, who spoke about "awareness" as her main value. Even from that sentence right there, I could imagine someone thinking "oh great, another life coach talking about self awareness and how to improve yourself...never heard that before." I totally get it, but to me there is so much value and insight in exploring these topics from a slightly different angle and getting a slightly different perspective; it all adds up incrementally to gain a better understanding of ourselves. 

In this episode, we spent a lot of time talking about self-doubt and trying to understand what that really means. By that I mean, what is the narrative in our heads and what actually drives the doubt (our internal beliefs or the external messaging we are receiving)? In one of the cooler parts of this episode LaPora talked about a journal entry she wrote many years ago when she was in a much darker place in life. We then went through a thought exercise, of what the conversation between that past version of herself and the current version of herself would be like. We tried to understand why that past version didn't believe the things LaPora knows to be true now. A big thanks to LaPora for following that thread with me and helping me to better understand my own self doubt. I really hope you all enjoy it and thanks for listening.