Sometimes you may judge others harshly—you don’t like the way they act, talk, breathe, spend money, dress, parent their children or perhaps even the way they treat you. But when you judge others, it’s really a form of self-judgment. Your inner judge provokes a reaction from your negative core beliefs, making you feel justified, angry and/or ashamed. If your partner says they are leaving you because you don’t love him/her enough or that you’re selfish, it might trigger the belief that you’re horrible and unlovable. You may find yourself trying to convince your partner to stay by jumping through hoops to prove your love and that you are not selfish. But it’s actually not about his/her judgment of you; you’re trying to convince your own judge. Instead of trying to fix things by overperforming, look at what you don’t accept about yourself. What makes you feel so unlovable? This question comes with a lot of heavy emotions, so instead of feeling them, your pattern is to put energy outside of yourself toward trying to fix the relationship. Your “logic” and patterns may suggest that if you succeed, you won’t have to deal with those awful feelings. But trust me, that fix is only temporary.

Your fear of being judged by others is fueled by the fear that it might be true. You do not react to something you don’t believe is true on some level; you only react when some nasty belief lives inside you. The nasty belief says, “yes, the criticism must be true.” This is why your overcompensating falls flat at some point—because of the part of you which you ignore. You don’t want to look at your flaws and the insecure parts of yourself because it’s painful. But the reality is, your inner judge will judge you as long as you fight it and defend yourself; as long as you blame others and do not own your negative beliefs. And guess what? As long as you do those things, others will feel justified in judging you too. When you start to realize it’s about you (not them), you’re able to take your power back. You can control how you judge yourself, but you can’t control how others judge you. Trying to “fix” them or the situation does nothing to fix yourself.

When in a state of reaction, instead of going into autopilot fix-it mode, stop yourself and sit with your feelings. Where does that shame come from? What belief is triggered? As you build your value and accept yourself as you are, judgment from others ceases to overwhelm you. Your inner judge quiets down and the opinions of others simply don’t matter. You’ll also find yourself judging others less because when you accept who you are, you’re able to let other people be who THEY are. Even if they wear jeans to a formal dinner party!