Do you find yourself looking for validation from others when you act in a self-righteous way? For example, proving you’re strong by ignoring the text messages of an ex who you still have feelings for. It’s a mental strategy which does nothing for you emotionally. If anything, you feel worse because it’s an attempt to control someone else’s perception of you. You’re “teaching” them and wanting to make an impact so they respond how you want them to. Then when they don’t, it’s this game of push/pull. I push, you pull, and vice versa. Putting all the force in the world toward getting someone to treat you how you want is never going to solve the problem.

We use strategies to manipulate others and appear differently than we feel, like ignoring the text message when you really want to run to them. It’s emotionally painful and unnecessary because you’re trying to artificially force an outcome. Then when the desired outcome doesn’t happen and the other person creates even more distance, you pull harder. You are left scrambling for tactics that will make him/her do what you want instead of being true to your feelings and authentic in your actions. Perhaps you blame the other person, especially if they are inconsistent in how they show up, instead of looking at yourself as an equal player in this push/pull game.

Whether it’s a past or present relationship, we tend to act as though we have something to lose if we say or do the wrong thing. It remains a power struggle of pushing and pulling: between our intellect and emotions as well as between us and the other person. If we look at how we respond with our head instead of our heart, we can see it’s an attempt at control. If we respond with our heart, we leave the outcome open-ended… and with possibility.