You want a healthy relationship, right? Then why does dysfunction always seem to appear? It’s usually because we think the other person is the issue, so we build a case against them—even when they may make a good partner for us. We look for (or create) struggle because it’s what we’re used to.

Whatever you struggled to receive as a kid, you will continue to struggle with as an adult unless you become aware of what it is and how it drives your behavior. Maybe it’s attention, feeling valued, being heard, unconditional love, etc. We unconsciously recreate this struggle in relationships until we wake up and realize what we’re doing, taking responsibility for its creation.

Having a healthy relationship takes a good dose of self-awareness to catch these old beliefs operating. Inconsistency is another big one we tend to repeat because it feels normal. Consistency of words and actions can be scary because it’s different from what we know, so we push against it enough that we build a case against the relationship. We do this over and over: become suspicious of healthy behaviors because they’re foreign to us, find a problem, create struggle, then point the finger at the other person. You need to be able to handle the good to HAVE the good. And that starts with understanding how you use what you didn’t receive as a child to sabotage a potentially good relationship.