You have a dream or fantasy about what you THINK you want in another person, but because you’ve never experienced it, it’s only an idea—it’s not real. And it’s not necessarily what would serve you. It’s impossible to know what you connect with when all you’ve done is bounce the idea around in your head, holding tight to the same one for many years. You’ve carried an expectation of what this person will look like, act like, etc., not realizing how much it limits what you attract. There is only this tiny opening through which someone real will fit. Attraction is a funny thing; we don’t think we have control over who we’re attracted to, but it’s not true. We’re drawn to people based on our core beliefs and supporting patterns.

When you look for qualities in a partner based on what you THINK you want or what sounds good based on what you read in a magazine, the connection comes from your fantasy instead of something real. Ask yourself on a deep level of emotion: Why do the qualities you chose matter? Why are they important to you? Chances are they came from a need for validation; that’s why you choose people who look good “on paper.” These people embody qualities you believe you lack, hoping they will fill that empty place inside. You want them to see the real you, but how can they when you project a façade to attract this fantasy person? Instead of looking for them in a partner, ask how you can give yourself what you need.

Look at WHY the qualities you look for are important. What do they give you? If someone with a steady job is important, ask yourself what’s beneath that. Is it actually stability you’re looking for, and a job simply represents it? If so, where do YOU feel unstable. There’s the place you want to begin. By filling your own holes and building your value, you make room for someone to come into your life based on what you actually want… not what you think you want.