Finally! We made it to one of the absolute BEST episodes. After weeks of promising it, here we are. We are finally introduced to the one and only scantily clad barfly: Lacey! And aside from just being an iconic queen to begin with (you measure the size of your wine glass with your heart!), Lacey also makes it possible for Rumplestiltskin to be in quite possibly the only healthy relationship he will ever be in. And as a reminder, we do not kink shame here, but it is troublesome that Lacey enjoys watching Rumple beat a man to a pulp. The trues of love!

It's a BAD time!

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Hah! You thought you'd seen the last of us! Surprise! After a VERY unplanned hiatus (thanks, Covid!), we're back to cause more mayhem and tomfoolery. And boy, are we coming back to a DOOZY of an episode. Did you know that murder and petty crimes are not in fact the same thing? Great, just wanted to check, because we're 99% sure little miss Murder Margaret does not. 

This episode gives us more Pinocchio lore than any of us ever asked for and begs some anatomical questions that quite frankly I wished had never been asked. We also learn that Tamara is not as oblivious to magic as we had hoped, and in fact has been known to sport a murder taser that will turn your brain to tepid Thanksgiving mush.

It's a BAD time!

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We interrupt the catastrophic news of Cora's murder to bring you: a father/son camping trip in the middle of Maine. Welcome to 1983! That's right, folks. We finally get to see what the curse looked like on the day it was cast. And lemme tell you... it sure doesn't make sense! Is it a time loop? are they aware they're in a time loop? What exactly did Regina want out of her curse? Did she really think kidnapping a child would work? All of these questions, and more, are brought up. And no, none of them are answered, so don't ask. 

In the present Storybrooke side of things, Mary Margaret grapples with the repercussions of committing literal murder, and young Henry, being of sound mind, decides the optimal solution to all of their problems is to blow up magic with dynamite.

It's a BAD time!

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We would like to go on record saying that this episode has FAR too much sniffing for both of us. Do what that sentiment what you will. This episode officially shifts one of our main heroes down the path of evil as one Mary Margaret Blanchard literally tricks Regina into murdering her own mother. You know how heroes act? Suuuuper normal. But with a mom like Queen Eva, I guess we can't be all too surprised... like mother, like daughter. Unless it's considered admirable to trip a peasant for no reason other than to antagonize them. We just aren't sure anymore- the show seems confused on what makes a character 'good'. 

It's a BAD time.

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Don't you just hate it when your mother dies on your birthday and then your mother figure ALSO dies on your birthday, and then you find out your step-mother's mother is the culprit BOTH TIMES? That's it. That's the whole episode. Neal has a secret fiancé, pizza is allegedly delicious, cheesy, and notably honest, and Mary Margaret vows to kill Cora. All in a day's work.

It's a BAD time!

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Hey. Hey. HEY! Did you know that Henry is eleven? Well you do now! Because the gremlin child screams it at all of us! And perhaps more importantly, we learn more about how Rumplestiltskin became Rumplestiltskin, the Coward. Hated by many, but not as much as by his wife. Because Milah HATES this man with a deep and burning passion. With little to no explanation, mind you!

Oh, and Rumple meets a seer with eyes for hands. It's a BAD time!

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The Madlibs continue! We wish we had an explanation for this, but we sure don't! See you all next week with a new episode of the show.

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We all love a Little Mermaid moment! Because why not. We borrow plots from everywhere else! In what might be the most convoluted and forced usage of a fairy tale character insert, this episode gives us a wildly ineffective rendition of Jack and the Beanstalk. Though please don't ask us why, we don't know! Along the same lines of things we just don't know, what was Rumplestiltskin's plan? Did he truly not consider that he wouldn't have magic when he crossed the town line? Has he never heard of airport security? And WHAT is so terrible about him 'reverting' to his cursed self, pray tell? Oh no! Everyone run! The town pawn shop owner is at it again!

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A brief pause to our usual programming to bring you the one thing that NO ONE asked for: Madlibs- Once Upon a Time Edition! You're welcome. And we're sorry. Both? Both is good. Birdhouses and kisses to you all and we'll see you next week with a rousing new episode!

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