You Guys are No Fun

Episode 22 – Solid Bat Conner Man Wayne

We’d like to lead off by apologizing to a good friend of the show, Ryan (check him out as a guest in our sixth episode, Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past), but we brought up his meltdown in the last Nintendo Olympics… and we had a good laugh about it.  From here on out, we apologize to no one!!!  Anyway, this week we’re headed out to Shadow Moses Island to tag along with Solid Snake as he takes down Liquid Snake and his merry band of goons.  With the jump into the the CD era of games, Konami gave us the first 3D Metal Gear and two out of three Casual Cowards have been hooked ever since.  Along with the jump to 3D, Metal Gear got a fully flushed out cast of voice actors, who elegantly brought the story to life and made us feel like we were playing a movie. There were times that were over-the-top cheesy, but who doesn’t love it when you get a mass slaughter scene juxtaposed to a grown man pissing himself?  There were also multiple instances where Metal Gear broke down the third wall – with the game trash talking your game play style, flat out telling you when a controller needed to be switched to controller port 2, or massaging out that knot in your arm with the vibration function of the Playstation controller.

While Rian never played Metal Gear Solid, we can’t blame him as he can’t see and the game had a color pallet that matched the Apple IIe, he still had plenty to contribute.  Seriously, who makes a game that takes place at night in an Alaskan snow storm?  While the dialogue in the Codec could run a little long, this game had plenty of intense situations to keep you coming back for more.  We are a little bummed that we went a little long on our gaming news and talking about Snake’s mentally challenged brother, Snolid Snake, but when you’re having a good time, you’re having a good time.  *!*, what was that noise!? Find out in the 22nd episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Pointcast 21.1 – Steel Reserve

For some reason, Dirk decided to get everyone on-board to play the classic game, Festers Quest, and this whole thing is his fault. What can you say about Fester’s Quest? The game that was released 23 years after the Adams Family television show ended, and two years before the first Adams Family movie, so Fester’s Quest had no business being released at the time that it was released. And why was it only about Fester Adams!? Anyway, this game somehow snuck it’s way into the “good” game side of Dirk’s memory, which it had no place being. This game was hard, the enemies were off the wall and in no way consistent with each other, and the powerups made no sense. While the your weapons, the gun and the whip, could be upgraded, they could be downgraded just as quickly if you gobbled up any purple colored downgrades that were randomly dropped by enemies.

If you thought that was all that we would say about this game, you are sorely mistaken, sir. Going back to the enemies, they were of course aliens that Fester was tasked to eliminate and save humanity, or the city. You know what, who cares? You shot frogs, wooden faces that spit flies and maggots, and a bevy of different colored frogs that became increasingly harder to kill as even the most powerful of guns did absolutely dick to them. The bosses were also out of some other, more graphically enhanced game, where the protagonist could probably run, jump, and adequately defend themselves. Oh, and your speed could also be reduced to a snails pace which could only be remedied with the power up, vice grips. We can’t make this stuff up. If you’re looking for something good about the game, we liked the music, other than that, steer clear of this title. It’s Wikipedia page also has the balls to lump this game into the “run and gun” genre even though there is no running, and the gunning could be stopped by hedges. You know what, whatever, just sit back and enjoy Pointcast 21.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming, and remember, it’s Dirk’s fault.

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Episode 21 – Kieth David and Unsolved Mysteries

Do you know how long it took Dirk to get Rian to play Mass Effect? SEVEN YEARS! While it did take him forever to play Mass Effect all the way through to completion, he loved it. Chester on the other hand, never played it. While this was not Knights of the Old Republic III, Mass Effect was a game that delivered on so many levels. With a full cast of characters, an expansive galaxy to explore, and a great combat system that boasted combat and biotic aspects that made each play through a unique experience. The writing, the NPCs and the story are also a testament to the high caliber of the writing and creative staff over at Bioshock. We also love that they were able to get Seth Green, Keith David, and Lance Henriksen on-board as voice actors. Also, if we haven’t mentioned it before, the story and scope is awesome. You also get the opportunity to kill Carth, errrr, Kaidan which Dirk would do every day if he could.

As we are a gaming podcast, we (Dirk) felt that it would be a smart move to kick off our 21st episode talking about the new docudrama, Soaked in Bleach, which is based around Kurt Cobain’s suicide. We doubt that the gaming community cares about Kurt Cobain’s suicide, but we love Nirvana and are in no way living in the past. We also want to give out support to Albert Ransom and his battle against King with his new Kickstarter for his game Candy Swipe. Rian and his lady friend got their Ink Whiskey Nintendo flasks, but Dirk didn’t, and we went off on more tangents than any other episode, and were able to talk about Batman, Assassins Creed, Star Wars for the umteenth episode in a row. If you’re looking for a drinking game for this episode, take a drink every time Rian sniffs or coughs, and enjoy the 21st episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Pointcast 20.1 – Tight Platforming and Edging.

Get ready for a bold statement…  Super Meat Boy is one of the best platformers released by an independent developer made up of two people.  While that is a pretty niche category, not the platforming, but the two people making an awesome game part, Super Meat Boy is what EVERYONE wanted.  There may be a few of you out there that didn’t like Super Meat Boy, but I guarantee that you aren’t reading this far into the description and your wrong.  …YOU’RE WRONG!!!  Taking ques from all of the awesome platformers of the NES, Genesis, and SNES predecessors, the game play, music, and character elements for Super Meat Boy filled some sort of nostalgic void that we didn’t know existed.

As mentioned before, Meat Boy was a labor of love from Edmund McMillen and Tommy Refenes, who were also the golden children of Indie Game the Movie.  While Super Meat Boy was a little edgy with the mannerisms of the villain, Dr. Fetus, the game was much more marketable than sother McMillen’s New Grounds games, such as Cunt…  We also really liked that a contributor from New Grounds broke into the mainstream and was able to get their games to the masses.  The game also paid homage to a bunch of the other indie games out there in the form of hidden levels and unlockable characters.  In the short of it, Super Meat Boy was a game that all of the Cowards loved on multiple levels.  Listen in as Rian wants a second, second opinion, and Dirk learns the meaning of “edging” and “being on mollys,” and as always, enjoy Pointcast 20.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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The years ’97 and ’98 were a GREAT time to be a gamer – be it console or PC.  At the time, Rian was using his über powerful 56k modem to play Quake.  Meanwhile, Dirk and Chester were enjoying the library of Lucas Arts adventure games.  However, we were all playing our original PlayStations and Nintendo 64’s more than anything else.  Sure, the Sega Saturn was out too, but no one owned that piece of shit.  Good thing, too, because it gave us more time to play games that mattered; like Final Fantasy VII, Golden Eye, and Mario Kart.  Then, just when we thought it couldn’t get any better, Nintendo released the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.  As Link’s first 3D adventure, the game naturally introduced a whole host of 3D puzzle elements.  It also brought to life a lovable cast of characters, including the iconic (and annoying) guide/targeting system that was Navi.

While Ocarina of Time left us with a lot of fond memories, we were only able to touch on a few of our favorites.  First and foremost was when Ganon followed Link to Outworld in his DeLorian.  Once there he disrupted the Mortal Kombat Tournament, stole the Sports Almanac, and won the horse race, gaining Zelda’s favor.  Classic!  Of course, that never happened, but no one ever reads these things, so I doubt anyone will ever dispute it.

One of the most important aspects of Ocarina of Time is that it’s the game that split the timeline.  It’s the linchpin that barely holds all of the games together in one universe.  While aspects of our discussion are absolute fabrications, that doesn’t change the fact that this game holds a special place in our hearts.  Ready for a mind fuck that only the Water Temple can give you?  Grab a deku stick and enjoy Episode 20 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming!

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If you’re a human being under 35, you know educational classic The Oregon Trail.  If you’re like us, the name alone is enough to carry you back to a time when – once a week – children were whisked away to a mystical land known only as: the Computer Lab.  Of the handful of games that we were allowed to play, Oregon Trail is the one that everyone remembers.

It taught us how unforgiving the Old West really was.  Forget the phrase “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”.  Oregon Trail will bitch slap you the second your wooden wheels hit the dirt.  So you bought 5000 pounds of food?  Good thinking!  Clothes that should last a whole year?  Smart.  Enough ammunition to overthrow a third world country?  That may be overkill, but I like where your head is.  And, enough oxen to set a new world record for the Iditarod?  Cute.  But, you know what?  THE OREGON TRAIL DON’T GIVE A FUCK!!!  You will watch your whole family die, one by one, before finally engraving your own epitaph onto your headstone.  But first – you’ll experience an inordinate amount of frustration as you capsize every time you caulk your wagon and float across one of the trail’s many rivers.

Let’s be honest.  Of all the things that this “educational” game taught us, the most important is that no matter how grizzled and strong a settler is – he can only carry 100 pounds of food back to the wagon.  You shot an 800 pound bison?  Fuck you, you can have of those 100 pounds.  We also learned that everyone in the 19th century died of dysentery.  While I’m sure that’s a horribly painful way to go, it’s become the punchline to so many pop culture jokes that the educational value is lost.

We had a great time loading up the wagon with our fictional loved ones.  And then littering the trail with their dead bodies in this historical death simulator.  Do you remember any of the landmarks on your way to Oregon?  We bet you don’t, but join us as we set out from Independence, Missouri, and enjoy Pointcast 19.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

*No humans died of dysentery during the making of this episode.

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After 17 years we were finally given the South Park game we never knew we needed: The Stick of Truth.  While we don’t rate games, this is one of the best that we’ve played in a long time.  And it has all of the South Park.  There’s actually too much South Park cover in one episode, but we covered everything that made us lol.  As well as all of the things that crossed lines that we didn’t even know existed.

Seriously, have you ever cleaned a live bat out of a grown man’s ass?  Have you ever battled a gigantic zombie Nazi Kardashian fetus?  Well, what about battling one of your party members after Morgan Freeman givea you an incredibly detailed back story while the main antagonist just stands there with his balls hanging out for God and everyone to see?  No?  Never done that?   We have.  We’ve also learned that while this game was dumped on for being too short, all three of us played it through to the end and we all had different stories to tell.

In other news, Dark Souls II is a game that we will never play.  Not because it’s a bad game, but because we suck at really hard games.  Titanfall has met with rave reviews, but we worry that it’ll become another franchise that gets run into the ground.  There should be a new Tony Hawk game in the works that Dirk wants.  Also, Shaq Fu is jocking for a remake, which is the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard.  Thanks, internet!  We hope you’ve set aside enough time to play the 10 hour South Park episode that is the Stick of Truth, and we hope you enjoy the Warrior, the Thief and Chester the Jew in the 19th episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

Also, congratulations to @ethanfletcher1.  You win free stuff, but no one reads these things, so there that is.

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This is the last week that you have to enter our F1 2013 sweepstakes!  So if you want a free copy of F1 2013, a Casual Cowards t-shirt and stickers, and a Codemasters t-shirt: head on over to Twitter and retweet one of our giveaway tweets.  Now that the whoring is out of the way, let’s get to this week’s topic: Day of the Tentacle!

Lucas Arts is closed now, and we may never see sequels to classic hits like Day of the Tentacle.  And believe me, we’re totally bummed!  That’s why we’re paying tribute to this masterpiece, which is the direct sequel to Maniac Mansion.  Taking advantage of their SCUMM scripting utility, Day of the Tentacle is a solid addition to the Lucas Arts library.  And, as a tribute to the original Maniac Mansion, you even get to microwave a hamster!  Not to mention the light peppering of Star Wars references to keep all of the Fanboys happy.  Lucas Arts knows who butters their bread.

In a quest to save humanity from Tentacle tyranny, three heroes are scattered across time in Dr. Fred Edison’s time machine, the Chron-o-John.  From there it’s just one off-the-wall scenario after another.  Have you ever wanted to alter the history of the United States by changing the original flag design?  How about giving George Washington an exploding cigar?  No, that’s not you.  You’re the type of person who dreams about destroying a lonely man-child’s most prized possession – just to see what would happen.  Well, good news!  This was a game that delivered on all fronts!  There’s something for everyone!  So, sit back and enjoy our ramblings about Bernard, Laverne, and Hoagie in Pointcast 18.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.  …AS WE TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!

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This will be the episode of atonement and Earthworm Jim.  Also, we are continuing to give away free stuff.  First off – congratulations to @gellis for winning our Grid 2 giveaway; we’re going to be throwing a free shirt and stickers at you as well, so good on ya!!  For the rest of you, we are going to be doing a similar giveaway 3/2/2014 through 3/14/2014.  Hop on over to our Twitter page, and find our post about giving away a free game and re-tweet it.  Win this contest and we’ll give you a copy of F1 2013 for the Xbox 360, a Codemasters shirt, and a bunch of stickers from both Codemasters and ourselves.  Because the game came directly from Codemasters in England, it is a PAL version, but hey, it’s free.

We discuss the insanity simulator that is Earthworm Jim 1, 2 and the Warner Bros. cartoon.  66.67% of the the Casual Cowards were not fans of Earthworm Jim, but Rian LOVED this crazy ass game.  While Chester and Dirk weren’t huge fans of the game, it was not because the game wasn’t funny (because it was), but because it is really, really hard.  The cast of characters was off the wall.  Taken Queen Pulsating Bloated Festering Sweaty Puss-Filled Malformed Slug for a Butt for instance.  We could really just start making up names at this point, but we have too much integrity.  For those who have a tenuous grasp on reality, we would really like for you to pick up these games, because they will throw you over the edge of sanity.  Did we mention that they are REALLY hard…?

Other than Earthworm Jim, we discussed the many ways that Lara Croft can die; how incompetent Dirk is (check the title); and the new Steam machines that are getting ready for production.  It’s true, we always try to keep things light, but it’s sad times for us because Harold Ramis and Philip Seymour Hoffman are no longer with us. Our Spanish is terrible, and we can’t wait to hear about it, so sit back and enjoy the 18th episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Guess what!  We’re still giving away free Xbox 360 games!  That’s why you should listen to the first five minutes to learn how to win.  We’re also giving away a good deal of other swag, like t-shirts and stickers, with the game, so… enter.  And, in the midst of trying to give away free stuff we managed to record another Pointcast.  In a recurring trend that we are about to break, we kept the Pointcast in the same family as last weeks episode.  We had a great time talking about Red Dead Redemption’s expansion pack: Undead Nightmare.  As much as we loved playing the original game, Undead Nightmare gave us more zombies than we ever asked for; right in the middle of the video game zombie craze.

As it stands, you can go pick up the Game of the Year Edition for about $20.  Too lazy to look?  Well here you go.  You’ll be able to kill the the majority of the main characters; ride the Four Horses of the Apocalypse; and, if you pay attention, you’ll learn a little bit about the Aztec culture.  Seriously, take this God’s name on for size:  Ayauhtéotl; we still don’t know how to pronounce it.  It was surprising to see that John Marston didn’t kill Mr. West Dickens or, for that matter, everyone else in the cast because: ZOMBIES!!  Did you decide to kill Sasquatch or did you let him live in the lonely existence that you created for him?  In case were curious: Carlton Banks is hosting a third rate game show and we’re really sorry that we thought his last name was Harris… we have no excuse.  So, hold onto your hats and enjoy Pointcast 17.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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