You Guys are No Fun

What gets every good gaming podcast talking about a video game set in the Western United States and Northern Mexico?  Porn.  We wish that we were joking, and we wish that the second topic hadn’t devolved into Japanese rape porn.  But hey, you can’t undo the past.  When it comes to a character that’s murdered countless people and who’s married himself a whore: we believe that our intro into Red Dead Redemption is appropriate.  For such a large game, we do our best to keep it in between the lines, but fail.  And as a plus, Dirk comes clean that he would blow each and every one of you!!  Again, Dirk REALLY loves himself some gay men.  Seriously, he talks about all that is gay more often than he talks about Batman.

We’d like to say that we did Red Dead Redemption justice by touching on everything that this game was.  We can’t.  We can say that we touched on Rian’s game-less PS4; Chester’s road rage; and everyone hating on every Final Fantasy after FFX.  If you liked the characters from Red Dead Redemption, well… good.  We sort of talked about them.  We also found a chance to sneak in a conversation about Batman (we always do).  We’re giving away a free copy of Grid 2, but you’ll have to listen to the episode to find out how to win (closes on February 28, 2013).  We hope that you like sex… a lot – because we talked about it… a lot.  So set a spell, and enjoy the 17th episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Hot on the tail of our last full episode, we decided to do another GoW title: Chains of Olympus.  The original PSP title was shopped out to a secondary studio, Ready at Dawn.  What they produced surprised us all – a full-fledged God of War adventure on a single, tiny 1.6 gigabyte PSP UMD disc.  The graphics were great, the enemies were still challenging, and the goddamned mini games were as frustrating as ever.  That was a ballsy move for a PSP title.  Some people have a violent controller throwing reaction to frustration.  Some people might throw their PSP at the wall like a ninja star.  Rian and Chester were smart enough to buy the updated PS3 version.  Dirk is still trying to dig his PSP out of the drywall.

Even though Chains of Olympus had a new development studio, it retained enough aspects of the original series to make it fit right into the cannon.  Gaia continued to narrate Kratos’ adventure; you got to bang random women in sexy mini games; and the story aspects laid out by Chains added major plot points to God of War III.  Long story short: God of War’s jump to the handheld system did not disappoint – but Jumping Jesus, Persephone was a bitch!  Have you ever wondered if abandoning a child was as easy as slamming the Circle button?  Want to know how Chester chooses to accessorize? Care to know which Price of Right game Rian’s innards most resemble?  If you answered yes to any of these questions then you will not be disappointed by our latest episode. So, sit back and enjoy Pointcast 16.1 of the Casual Cowards of gaming.

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That’s right kiddies, we’re talking about one of the most violent games available for the PS3 – God of War III.  With the first two titles being released on the PS2 and PSP, God of War III was one of the flagship titles for the next gen console.  It boasted enormous sets and beautiful new graphics that showcased the destruction of Olympus and digital boobies.  Never has gouging out Poseidon’s eyes looked so good. Not only that, but the new hardware meant even more enemies to slaughter at any given time.  Naturally, Kratos is once again voiced by Malcolm McDowell, who you can thank for the ongoing Michael McDonald theme.

Like the enemies of Kratos, Nintendo’s profit margins are getting slaughtered, which gave us something to talk about.  The underdog gaming console -the Ouya – is getting a 16 gig version, which made us pleasantly surprised.  We also share our reactions to the new Shredder outfit from the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.  And, we just want to say “No,” to both the upcoming completely digital Xbox and the poor casting choices for the upcoming Superman Vs. Batman movie; looking at you Eisenberg!

It’s a shame that Michael McDonald doesn’t have deicide under his belt, but it does bring a smile to our faces imagining Kratos humming “This is It” while severing the hand of the Titan, Gaia;  or, singing “Yah Mo B There” while assembling the Labyrinth to rescue Pandora.  Can Dirk spell the word “Daedalus?”  You’ll have to listen and find out! So, sit back and enjoy the 16th episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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It becomes difficult as an adult to make time in your schedule to play a handheld game.  Well, maybe not for all of you, but we have houses to clean, yards to scape, laundry to fold… you get the point. There’s a myriad of adult chores that need to be done before we have time for gaming.  When we do, though, the home console or the computer usually wins out, so it’s been a while since we’ve been able to play a handheld game.  Sure, the portability is nice, but when we’re on the go there’s usually more pressing matters at hand.  Like watching the road.  That being said, we were able to enjoy a few portable gaming systems while we were growing up.

In this episode we chose not to adhere to any single game.  Instead we talk about our initial experiences with handheld gaming systems.  All three of us had an original Game Boy and we have very fond memories of that little monochrome box.  While we don’t condone piracy, it would be really awesome being able to play Playstation 1 games on a PSP…  And it threw off our moral compasses, discovering a seven dollar card for the DS that makes playing downloaded games extremely easy.  Again, we do not condone that type of behavior, but we know it’s out there.

Rian almost made it through the whole episode without making a dick joke!  But, eventually he fired one off.  We also had Brandon back to give us insight into his favorite titles.  If you were lucky enough to own a Game Gear, we hate you, but please try to enjoy Pointcast 15.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

Photo by Easy Skywalker

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Some people may read the title and ask “What the hell?  Why does Mortal Kombat get a full episode and Street Fighter II only got a Pointcast?”.  Well, if you’d taken a second to read the title of the episode, you’d have realized this episode is about three Mortal Kombat games!  So stop being such a dick!  Oh, and we brought Brandon back.  That’s right – if you remember Brandon from the Episode 9 on Diablo II, you remember that he’s a wealth of knowledge about video games that he loves.  And he loves Mortal Kombat.

Did you know that Noob Saibot was a reincarnated Sub Zero?  How about that the Cyborg Ninjas were created by Lin Kuei?  Or that Shao Khan was a cheating butthole who scammed Mortal Kombat  2 and 3 into existence because he couldn’t wait the preordained 50 years for the next tournament?  Well, we had no idea either, but Brandon did!  And he dropped all that knowledge on us, then walked off the stage like a boss.  Well, he would have if there weren’t four grown men packed into a tiny studio like a clown car.  And we had a stage.

We also got a chance to talk about how Nintendo has dropped their Wii U sales projection for 2014 by 70% and prayed they don’t go the way of Sega.  Brandon, however, brought up a good point about their handheld sales, and we all sighed in relief.  Following that, we discussed a depressing article in the latest issue of Game Informer about the fall of Lucasarts, which answered a lot of questions about the Indiana Jones, KOTOR III, and Star Wars Battlefront games we were all waiting for.  You’ll also get to hear Chester take Rian’s side in the Saints Row IV vs. Bioshock Infinite debate; Dirk discovering X-Men Legends a decade late; and finally, Brandon sharing his excitement about Bravely Default.  Here comes the awesome closing pun:  GET OVER HERE!! and enjoy the 15th episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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You all remember that awesome quote from Mallrats, right?  We know you did because you are currently asking yourself how to phonetically spell out Jay’s nonsensical onomatopoeia.  Along with the movie Mallrats, the X-Men was a significant part of being a kid in the 90s.  While we didn’t get the awesome live-action blockbusters that today’s kids get, we did get the gritty animated series every Saturday morning.  From that sprang the tie-in game with the simple title ‘X-Men’ for the Sega Genesis.  (You could say that us 90’s kids had it better because they didn’t kill off three of the main characters in the cartoon – looking at you, The Last Stand).  While character selection was restricted to only 4 of the X-Men, the artwork stayed true to the cartoon series, which made the game that much more enjoyable.

Now, we admit that we had to use the health cheat code (found here at GameWinners) but come on – this game was hard as balls!  It was so brutal that it even required you to reset the Genesis towards the end of the game.  Think about that; no game saves, no checkpoints, no continues.  Just reset the game and pray that the developers are not messing with you.  It was tough to keep this Pointcast to our 20 minute limit, but only because we’re three grown ass men who still fantasize about having Mutant Powers.  Fat… Mutant… Powers…   Arbitrary statement generating nostalgia while making a horrible X-Men pun… and sit back and enjoy Pointcast 14.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Well, here we are in the New Year; one year past the Mayan’s so called Apocalypse and we’re still going strong!  In the inaugural episode of 2014 join us as we discuss Batman: Arkham Asylum.  Pulling from the Warner Brother’s cartoon, some of the movies, and of course the comics, Arkham Asylum is the first game where you can confidently say, “I’M BATMAN!”  The game hit you with the voice actors from the Cartoon (WE LOVE YOU MARK HAMILL!!!), boasted a full roster of Batman Villains,  and gave you some backstory for all of the characters that couldn’t make it to the party.  The game even answers the age old question, “Where does he get those wonderful toys?”  Well, at least a couple of them.  The game also gave an actual tangible quality to the relationship between Batman and the Joker.

While recovering from Christmas and New Years we have not had a chance catch up on much gaming news.  We did talk about some of our biggest 1st World problems: too much vacation time and not enough storage on the PS4.  Seriously, we have it rough.  Also, just like any other media outlet, we decided to recap our individual top five video games of 2013.  We’d ask for comments below, but we’re being bombarded by SPAM bots and all they talk about is Viagra.  Squeeze into your rubber tights, tighten your utility belts, and get ready for Rian’s movie announcer voice to carry you away. It’s the fourteenth episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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One of the greatest beat-em-ups ever released for the SNES or the arcade, TMNT: Turtles in Time is co-op 90’s nostalgia to the max.  This was the game where you came for the Turtles but stayed for the variety of enemies and familiar bosses.  There was also Shredder‘s inexplicable plot to steal the Statue of Liberty – we’re still trying to figure that one out.  We assume he was going to melt it down for some extra cash.  Also, EVERYTHING EXPLODED!    We never really talked about the ethics of stealing the pizza while you had full life, but we know that it led to many an argument between friends.

Whether you played the SNES port or pumped hundreds of quarters into the arcade version, you know that it kept true to the cartoon.  Since our communication skills are sorely lacking, Rian played the SNES version and Dirk played the arcade version.  Dirk even blew $12 worth of quarters getting through the game – making it one of the better quarter-grabbers.  Hell, the arcade version even killed you if you stood around too long. The SNES version boasted the awesomeness of Mode 7 and gave the fans some Bebop and Rocksteady action. Meanwhile the Arcade version pitted you against Tokka and Rahzar.  It also included music from that horrible TMNT Live Tour: Coming Out of Their Shells.  Everybody together now, “COWABUNGA!!!”  Now that that’s out of the way you can all sit back and enjoy Pointcast 13.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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What would be the best way to talk about the three-part series that is Assassin’s Creed 2?  Invite a guest and divvy up the trilogy, making each person an expert on their respective title?  We wish we could say that’s what happened, but we just brought Chester back and gave him a better mic.  Chester and Rian could jerk each other off as they talk about these games.  Dirk just wants a better Prince of Persia.  Either way, the Ezio series was the reward for those fans who came back after the initial Assassin’s Creed game.  We’re not saying that the first Assassin’s Creed was bad, just that AC2, Brotherhood, and Revelations put it to shame!

In case you hadn’t heard: SGC 2014 was announced, and SGC is where this podcast was conceived!  There wasn’t a whole lot going on that was on our radar other than the newest Humble Bundle for Android.  If you’re reading this on the day of posting, you have eight days to pick it up.  Chester’s slowly working his way into a permanent slot on our little show of gaming nonsense, and we’re happy to have him.  However, he’s still on a working interview, so if you think you have him beat shoot us an E-mail and we’ll immediately fire him!  Prepare to become fully synchronized (by this time we’re phoning it in for the final hooks), and enjoy the 13th episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Do you know what happens when you take a show’s novelty idea and completely run with it?  We know that there are two novelties to our little Casual Coward shtick, games and drinking. But playing too many games didn’t lead us down this path.  Thus we bring you the absolute nonsense that is the Sonic the Hedgehog Episode.  No disrespect to hardcore Sonic fans, but we stuck to the Genesis releases (minus any 3D adventures). Unfortunately we’re unfamiliar with the newer titles (the ones where he morphed into a werewolf or tried to bang a human).  Oh well.  This is all 2D Sonic, which is – honestly – when he was at his best.

Sonic was the flagship character for Sega during the OG console wars (yes, Sega used to make consoles!) This blue speedster was the perfect cocky little bastard to lead the charge into the “Genesis does what Nintendon’t” campaign.  He was even given his own cartoon series which was voiced by Urkel from the hit 90’s sitcom Family Matters.  It was exactly as cool as it sounds.  He also broke some sort of gaming rule by being too fast for the screen to keep up – which was AWESOME!  Okay – we bit off more than we could chew, cramming all of the Genesis Sonic games into one 20 minute episode. We had a good time doing it, though!  Whip your chinchilla out, slap some headphones on it, and enjoy the third Pointcast from the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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