You Guys are No Fun

Episode 27: Seal Team Sith —

We all hope that you enjoyed your 4th of July weekend and for any of our listeners outside of the United States, we hope that you enjoyed your normal, run-of-the-mill weekend where 238 years ago, the American Founding Fathers committed high treason against the British Crown.  Either way, we hope you all came through it okay and don’t have too bad of a hangover.  For your trials and tribulations, we gift upon you our latest episode; Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.  We know that this game was not what Lucas Arts was boasting it would be, but we really wanted it to be a better game for this episode.  Sadly, it was not.  While we love the story, and we initially loved the idea of being in control of an extremely powerful Sith/Jedi, or just Force-Sensitive individual, the game play was horribly broken.  Don’t get us wrong, the game had it’s great moments, and it was super awesome when the force push worked and you launched either a Storm Trooper or some type of exploding object into anything else on the screen; however, it NEVER WORKED!!!  But you take the bad with the good, right?

We are kicking around the idea of changing our Gaming News segment to “Todd’s Gaming News” because he loves it so much.  Chester is gearing up for all of the releases in October and he also “discovered” a WWE / Super Smash Brothers mash up that nightmares are made of.  Rian can do a wicked awesome Darth Vader jerking off impression, and Dirk does a little bit of pouting.  We need to clarify it right now, this is our collective podcast and Dirk was wrong… HE WAS WRONG!!!  We also learned that GTA V could get a little more absurd because Lindsay Lohan is suing Rockstar Games because she is an idiot.  If you’ve ever wanted to hear a debate about what Darth Vader would call his penis, then you are in for a treat.  We hope you enjoy the 27th Episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Pointcast 26.1 – Two Toads, One Cup

While we’re gearing up for the ScrewAttack Gaming Convention 2014, or SGC 2014 for all of you kids in the know, we decided to toss ourselves a softball and talk about Mario Kart 64.  The main reason that we are talking about Mario Kart 64 is that we have wasted a whole bunch of money to buy a booth at SGC 2014 and we’re giving away shirts, but you have to beat us in a game of Mario Kart 64.  We plan on leaving with all of our shirts, because Rian claims to be really good at this game.  However, as we discovered last year, Dirk thought that he could hold his own in the Iron Man of Gaming, and he got TROUNCED!!  Anyway, anyway you slice it, we’re playing three days of Mario Kart 64, so we’ll be really good at this game by the end of it and we hope to see you there!!

While there are eight playable characters, we discuss how there are actually only three classes of racer and how Dirk has not played with any other character besides Yoshi.  Seriously, almost 20 years of playing as one character.  Rian and Chester are versatile and can get down with any character, so be warned.  Boasting 16 awesome tracks, Mario Kart 64 is a great game that you can go back to again and again.  The game set the standards for Kart Games, and each additional Mario Kart title has built off the winning formula ever since.  Everyone also remembers how glorifying it was to hit someone with a Green Shell like a boss.  We hope that all of you have been practicing, because we have been for 18 years!!! Sit back and enjoy Pointcast 26.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Episode 26 – Suck it, Todd!!!

Happy birthday to us!!!! For the past year we have had the pleasure of doing our dumb little podcast and we have loved every minute of it.  You would think that we would have honed some type of skill or refined our recording technique, but you’re wrong!!! We are a DRINKING! PODCAST! FIRST! so we’re perpetually stuck at the mental capacity of a really dumb nine-year-old… collectively.  We actually could not have asked for a better time to have our one-year episode as we had an amplitude of things to talk about.  We also need to  point out the fact that we are always uniformed about every topic, and we will never change that.  With that being said, E3 and Phoenix Comicon hit, which gave is 45 minutes of awesomeness to talk about.  We heard that one of our listeners, Todd, doesn’t like our news segment, but he drinks box wine straight from the box, so we’re taking it with a grain of salt.

For our 26th episode, we picked up Grand Theft Auto III and took a trip back to Liberty City’s first 3D rendering.  While GTA III’s game play is showing it’s age in that it feels a little restrictive, after five minutes of taking the controls, you remembered that this was the game that set you free.  You could do a mission or two, or you could grab a hooker, bang her, kill her, steal your money back, grab a car, ram a cop, start a rampage, and fifty steps later, you’ve killed everything in site and were set on the run from the Army, and then you died.  What were the repercussions for your actions?  Basically nothing.  You get released from prison and or the hospital, you have no weapons, but who cares because you can do it all over again!  The voice actors were also a great addition to the game and added a lot of character to GTA III as a whole.  Rian claims that he never really liked GTA III, but that’s because he is dumb and doesn’t get it.  We hope you brought cake, because it’s our special day, so sit back and enjoy the 26th episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Chester Never Owned Contra!?

Up until Contra hit, your NES was basically just a pile of metal and plastic with a red light.  Up until Contra hit, you only knew co-op gaming in titles such as Bubble Bobble which was lacking in the awesome weapon department.  While Contra was a little light on story, it more than made up for it in shooting, explosions, and down right manly men blasting nips and crushing aliens.  Even outside of the actual game play, it created a culture where you would catch a beat down in real life if you stole the second Spread and left your partner stuck with rapid.  Who doesn’t have a story about an argument or fight that was caused from someone stealing lives, right?  You can even get left behind on the Waterfall level if your partner decides to be a dick.  Contra could quickly go from being a co-op shooter to a life lesson of how two wrongs don’t make a right because you’re both dead now and there are no more lives to steal.

While the ultimate goal of the game was to make it through the game, you could be a troll and try to thwart the progress of the other player, or you could be a super team mate and actually work together.  While working together from the start is your best bet, because this game was a one-hit kill, we admit that we have never made it through the game without using the Konami Code to get 30 lives.  Also, if you have been paying attention, we just went a long way for that joke…  We did bring our good friend, Justin, back into the studio to help us out, and we’re going to go ahead and apologize to Rian’s mom right now to get it out of the way.  We hope you like the playing as Bill, because we are always Lance, so sit back and enjoy Pointcast 25.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.  Seriously, DON”T STEAL OUR SPREAD!!!

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Episode 25 – Vincent Timemachine

Good news, everyone!!!  Not only are we ripping off Futurama, we are also at the Phoenix Comicon 2014 so you get our latest episode one day early!  We know that we don’t have many of you chomping at the bit for our latest episodes, but for the special few, here you go.  In our latest outing into the realm of podcasting, we take a trip down into the alternate reality that is Command and Conquer: Red Alert.  We also brought in our good friend, Justin, who will be representing us for the horrible crime that we have yet to commit.   Until then, we get to ramble on about one of the awesomiest real time strategy games to grace the PC and the Playstation 1.  Red Alert not only gave you great game play, it also showcased an incredibly deep technology tree and unit selection, AND there are cut scene that were so awful that ther’re awesome.  As there was no level cap, there was nothing stopping you from flooding your opponent with wave after wave of riflemen, rocket solders, tanks, dogs, jets, planes, helicopters, or even tanks that shoot lightning.  TANKS THAT SHOOT LIGHTNING!!!! There was also a story that changed the course of history after the murdering fuck-head, Hitler, was killed by Einstein.

Red Alert also gave you so many options to craft your strategy as Rian likes to slow roll it and savored destroying his enemies, Justin liked to utterly decimate his opponents as quick as possible, and Dirk likes to just play the game, but it terrible at it.  Chester, however, never played Red Alert and couldn’t figure out how to deploy the truck to start building his base.  We would also like to introduce the world to our newest abomination, Vincent Timemachine.  We hope you’ve built enough power plants because here comes the 25th episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming!

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Pointcast 24.1 – Jesus, Dirk is Druk…

If anyone wants to go back to our 12th episode on Uncharted 2, Chester and Rian showed up unprepared for the episode for one of Dirk’s favorite games.  He sat on it, dwelled on it, and waited until he could find something that one of them loved, and then got horribly drunk all over it.  Seriously, he searched for a dick joke in everything and eventually degraded into Disney songs.  Oh, we also talk about the evolution of the controller as we know it.  Rian went way back and made an extremely thorough outline starting in the 70s and carried it up into the present.  We ask that you white knuckle-it through the first 20 minutes and all of the absolute nonsense because we really get into some good conversation about the controllers that we’ve used throughout our gaming “careers.”  Oh, and are you in for a treat, we took our Pointcast (a podcast short and to the point, get it) and extended it you one hour and six minutes!

We discovered that we really take the modern controller for granted as there have been a lot of nonsense peripherals for gaming systems in the past.  There have also been some growing pains in the relatively short time span between the regular NES, the Nintendo 64, and the Wii, but good God damn if there is not a feature of one of their controllers in some part of our modern controllers today.  The controller market has been so diverse, there have even been some excellent third party controllers that we have preferred over the stock controllers that were shipped with the systems.  On that note, we thank you Logitech.  This was one of our more unique episodes, so we thank you in advanced for sticking around for the  end.  We hope you brought your appetite for Disney movies and poorly timed dick jokes because it’s coming at you whether you like it or not because this is Pointcast 24.1 of the Casual Cowards of gaming.

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Episode 24 – The Victorian Attitude

So, here we are Internet.  Another week has passed and what have you done with your life?  We aren’t really proud of ourselves, but we did manage to bang out another episode for the viewing pleasure of your ears.  What game did run a’ground, you ask?  None other than Super Mario Brothers 3.  It’s nothing but Tanooki suits and Gooma’s Shoes from here on out.  While we have already done episodes on Super Mario Brothers 2 / Doki Doki Panic and Super Mario World, you knew that this episode was coming.  We are in our 30s, we all owned the NES and this game was the pinnacle of the Super Mario Brothers franchise at the time.  There were new power ups, there was a new level system, and rather than there being a princess in another castle, there were reptile children flying airships around morphing kings into random animals of the Mushroom Kingdom.

While we really want to say that we had a lot of gaming news to talk about, we did debate the potential Twitch buyout by Google, which we are split on.  We also spent way too much time talking about the child molester from the movie, the Wizard.  He had a Power Glove, the ego, and the commercial that you can find on YouTube that declares that everything else is child’s play…  Rian, who is bold enough to consider himself the the “smart” one, likes to pronounce the word omnipotent, “omni pōtnt.”  If that isn’t funny, you should apologize to the English language for not understanding it’s phonetics.  Anyway, we really don’t do this game justice, but we had a good time talking about it.  Get ready to toot your warp flute and enjoy the 24th episode (almost one year, bitch) of the Casual Cowards of Gaming!!

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Pointcast 23.1 – Goat Stimulator

We hope that all of you are feeling alright because we are going to be talking about a very dark and depressing game, but it has great platforming, physics and puzzle aspects. Welcome to the world that is Limbo. Are you a little dead kid who is going to be killed a bunch of time, or are you a little kid who is going to die a bunch of times? It does not really matter because this game is going to kill you again, again, again, and again. Even though this game is a black and white game, the game is incredibly impressive, the minimalistic sound effects drew you further in, and the physics and level design kept you coming back for all of the spider death. Oh yeah, this game has a giant spider that has a multitude of ways to kill you. Seriously, along with the giant spider, there are giant bear traps, sharp sticks, deep water, poorly insulated electrical signs, and little kids with blow darts all ready to murder you. There will also be saws… lots… of… saws…

As we are a drinking podcast first, we felt that it was only natural segue to start Limbo by talking about Arizona’s bestiality laws and why Rian cannot have a game that simulates having sex with goats. Doing a podcast off the cuff is also difficult because we get into confusing conversations about how Picasso was a poor representation of the Dutch, mostly because Chester forgot that he meant to bring up Van Gogh. We also add to the uplifting nature of this episode by talking about how Piggy from Lord of the Flys met his doom at the fate of a huge rock. Rian also worked the word sinew into the natural flow of conversation. We promise that everything is going to be alright and you are a beautiful person, so sit back and enjoy Pointcast 23.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Episode 23 – No Doctor?

If you are a PC gamer, you hate consoles and Halo was responsible for a good part of it.  Halo: Combat Evolved was the game that launched the original Xbox into the console wars and Microsoft has been a major player ever since.  How awesome was it to grab a buddy and roll through the entire campaign in split screen with all the original content?  The game also brought LAN parties to the masses that did not own PCs devoted to gaming.  And then there was the story.  Bungie not only put together a graphically stunning game with great game play, Halo had a great story that pitted you against not one, not two, but three different enemy factions, and you even get to join up with 343 Guilty Spark for a short time… before he tries to kill you.  Rian didn’t play Halo, but he was throat deep in Dirk’s penis in 2001 and that is according to Chester editing the outline for this episode.

While the Playstation 4 is outselling the Xbox One by a margin that involves math to break down, so we’ll just leave it at Playstation 4: 7 million; Xbox One: 5 million.  We guess that it would be a seven to five ratio, but again, math.  Even though Rian has contributed to the Playstation 4 numbers, he still does not have an actual game for the system.  If he waits long enough, he can scoop up the next Star Wars: Battlefront 3, which we’re still waiting for.  We brought back the random Indiana Jones music, Dirk returns to chastising Rian for releasing all of his bodily functions during the recording, and Chester manages to give a shout out to his father… who doesn’t listen to our show.  If you don’t know who Master Chief’s real name, you will when this episode is done, so sit kick back, relax, and enjoy the 23rd episode of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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Pointcast 22.1 – Family Ties: The Video Game

Because you all love to hear us ramble so much, and we recorded our Pointcast a week later than our normal schedule, we decided to record an extended Poincast where we don’t just jump into the game, and give you a little more of our nonsense.  We give you, the EXTENDED POINTCAST *echo**echo**echo*  It also makes it a little easier for you to accept that we’re going to roll through the tie in games for the Disney movie, Aladdin.  Three grown men talking about the greater plot points of one of the Disney cartoon cash grabs… and drinking.  The Genesis version of Aladdin is by far the better version, but Rian had no idea that the Genesis edition existed, so he played the sub par version for the Super Nintendo.  Holy crap, that game was bad, and it hurts to say that because we hold Capcom in high regard but wow… just wow.  Either way, as we only play games casually, none of us beat either editions.  Isn’t that just classic us?

Because we were adding a little more content, you get to hear us discuss the movie Tremors, Family Ties, and Dirk tells the story of how he almost got to have sex with a girl, but he played the Lion King for the SNES instead… again.  In an awesome turn for the show, Chester and Dirk were able to piss Rian off and we discuss how Jesse Ventura will hold a grudge for over a decade, only to bring it up when your really, really drunk.  If you haven’t heard about it, we’re going to be headed out to Texas for the Screwattack Gaming Convention in July, so we look forward to seeing anyone who may or may not have heard of us.  Now sit back and relax as three drunk street rats take you to a whole new world in the extended Poincast 22.1 of the Casual Cowards of Gaming.

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