So the Dalai Lama XIV said, “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” Do you know someone that loves to hear the sound of their own voice? Someone that likes to talk and will tell you everything that they can think of? They want to share with you their viewpoints on every subject. Then there are then others who love to listen. When we listen to understand and not just to reply we can hear others. Maybe you have heard the quote you have two ears and one month. Follow that ratio. Listen more, talk less. Successful people learn by listening.

Richard Branson has said, "Great listeners are often terrific at uncovering and putting in place strategies and plans that have a big impact." why is it that listeners can put into place strategies and plans? Because when they listen they get information that they didn’t have before. That information can help them to learn what it is that they need to make a decision and act on it. The only reason to listen is if you need to learn. If you know everything that needs to be known there is no need to listen.

Listening is an active process where patience, compassion, and determination play critical roles. In order to absorb words and process the meanings, we need to concentrate. Listening promotes better relationships. It assists in building trust, resolving issues, and strengthening ties.  The other day I was interacting with a family member on Facebook and I probably shouldn’t have. But I commented on their post and it was not something that we agree on. They hear my comment but didn’t listen to it. They attacked my statement with something that didn’t have anything to do with my message. So they hear that I talked but didn’t listen to what I said. They were talking so they were repeating things they already know. I have listened enough to know that my ideas disagreed with theirs, so sharing my thoughts in that medium is where I made a mistake.

But true listening develops communication skills. Communication is kind of a lost art, especially with social media. It is so easy to hear without listening and then react and attack those that state something different. This reminds me of another experience. Another family member was at work and someone came into the office and they had loaded for bear. They were upset and knew that this family member would not agree with them. So they came in arguing. They for quite a while did not even recognize that the person they were arguing with actually agreed with them from the get-go. Here again, they hear but didn’t listen. I’m sure you have stories about how this has happened to you also.

Listening is an important skill. Like we talked about in an earlier episode, skills can be learned. To become an excellent communicator you must first start listening with your eyes, ears, and mind open. Communicating is not just about getting your point across but about learning the points others have.

In what ways can you be more active in listening?

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I want to start with a quote, this was posted on Reddit byu/mylasttie wrote “We care so much about the health and integrity of our body that until death, we don’t notice that the body is nothing more than a box- a parcel for delivering our personality, thoughts, beliefs, and intentions to this world. If there is nothing in the box that can change the world, then it doesn’t matter if it disappears. I believe we all have potential, but it takes a lot of courage to realize it.” I love this thought. I love the Epiphany behind it.

I want to share a poem by Ron Tranmer called The Dash Between. “I knelt there at the headstone of one I love and cried. The Names, with dates of birth and death, were perfectly inscribed. I pondered these two dates and how little they both mean when compared to the tiny dash that lies there in between. The dash serves as an emblem of our time here on the earth, and although small, it stands for all our years of life, and worth. And our worth will be determined by how we live each day. We can fill our dash with goodness, or waste our life away. To ourselves, as well as others, let’s be honest, kind, and true, and every day, live the way we know God wants us to. May we look for opportunities to do a worthy deed, and reach out with compassion to those who are in need. For If our hearts are full of love throughout our journey here, we’ll be loved by all who knew us and our memory they’ll hold dear. And when we die, these memories will bring grateful, loving tears, to all whose lives were touched.” What will be left behind in your dash? Because the dash is what is important. The dates will come and go with or without us.  There are so many people out there in this world filling their dash up with amazing actions. Some who are young and saved others from car fires or kidnapping, another Nicholas Winton who died at age 106 back in 2015, among other things in his dash he saved 669 children from the holocaust. There are many that we look at and we admire what they did with their dash.

Well, some of it depends on why you are here and what is important to you. But we are going to start with some things that are universal. First off is to find joy. You can find joy in following the natural laws of this earth. Natural laws are laws that are outside of morals and mores. They are outside of religion. They are based on this universe and it is impossible to refute them.

The second universal truth is service. It doesn’t matter who you serve. It doesn’t matter where you serve. It only matters that you serve. You will be paid dividends that you never expected from your service. Check out Just Serve.org to find service opportunities near you that can help you to do good and feel good.

The next universal truth is gratitude. Sociologist Georg Simmel calls this act “the moral memory of mankind” in his book. 

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Ken: We have Carrie Mikell, Carrie is a mother of 3 children ages 6-1 and has been married to the love of her life for over 7 years. She has a bachelor's degree in business with an emphasis in finance from Brigham Young University and has been working in the financial services industry for over ten years now. Previously she focused her attention on high-net-worth retirees but recently decided she finds more joy in helping younger families achieve their dreams. When Carrie isn't working on her business or cleaning up after her three small children, she can often be found in the great outdoors enjoying nature and taking her children on grand adventures. Welcome to the Show Carrie

Carrie: It’s important to say that I’m first and foremost passionate about life’s adventures. I’ve traveled the world, lived and worked in 5 different countries, climbed mountains and repelled down 250ft cliffs to see sights very few people get to see, etc. I wrote my first bucket list when I was 16 and have been checking things off ever since. I’ve only been able to do this because of the personal finance principles I learned early on. As such, I’ve gained an additional passion in helping individuals and young families achieve their dreams, and I do this through sound financial coaching. As someone who is naturally logical and pragmatic, I enjoy the strategizing and quantitative work. I’m also greatly enjoying building my team, specifically focusing on incredibly talented women. I feel that I’m in a unique position to widen the world of financial consulting and make it more inclusive.

Ken: What is the toughest thing you have had to overcome in your life?

Carrie: It's a long mess of a story, but I was essentially homeless during my senior year of high school. Getting myself through school and supporting myself financially -- especially at that age -- was a major struggle, but one that has helped shape me into who I am today.

We also talked about What is the biggest goal you are working on right now?

Many people have fear and secrecy around money. Why is that and how do they get past it?

If there were only three truths that you leave for this world and your posterity, what 3 truths would you leave for them that could lead them to have an amazing life? My knowledge, hopefully a little more peace and understanding, opportunities. We really aren’t a family that focuses on obtaining things but we are big on experiences and we hope that those experiences give our children and others a greater understanding of all the good and beauty there is out there in the world.

What is the best way for folks to connect with you? Carrie Mikell, ChFC | LinkedIn

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Because you are here you have had things happen to you. Maybe you have been deceived or lied to, maybe you had promises given that were not honored. Sometimes those experiences were a single event other times they happened time and again. Maybe they happen over and over again and they are from the same person. If it is a single event, like someone is supposed to call you for a job interview and doesn’t, you move on and go forward with your life. No harm no foul. A single event is less likely to be something you teach others. But if it is happening to you more than just once in a while you may be teaching others that you expect to be treated that way. You train others as to what you will accept and what you will not. The things that you accept will keep happening in the relationship because you gave it the okay.

What does not work in setting up how we want to be treated? Dishing out to others what they have dished up for us, attempting to make them pay, inflicting the pain of our emotion onto them, and trying to one up them. But this will rarely change behavior. How do you respond when being taught a lesson? Treating others this way is counterproductive and unkind. It is something that comes after the action and may or may not be seen as tied to the action. Since these do not work, I do not recommend using these. It will create unhappiness in you and your relationship.

So, what does work? First off teaching by example. We should want others to be treated with dignity and grace just like that is what we should expect. When you model the behavior, you want others are going to want to treat you similarly. If you are late or don’t show up for others, they will most likely treat you the same way. Many might not even do it consciously. But as we show what is important to us others will learn to treat us that way. We also teach through consistency When we speak kindly to others even when they are speaking harshly, we show them our expectations. The whole thing is to teach by example and influence. These are great ways of establishing expectations.

After example and influence the next way to teach others how to treat us is to establish simple and appropriate boundaries. We can institute boundaries in regard with time, consideration, mutual respect and honor. Healthy boundaries smooth the flow of relationships and enable them to deeper connection. They help relationships to flourish. There is only one way to set boundaries and that is by using your voice. You must be clear on your boundaries in order to describe them to others. How long would it take to get to work in the morning if there were no stop lights or road signs. Boundaries do for your relationships what stop lights and road signs to your commute. Be sure to set appropriate boundaries and then clearly explain them.

There are two powerful tools in teaching people how we want to be treated. The first one is to reinforce behaviors that you want. What gets rewarded gets repeated. If the behavior you want is not done no need to make a speech or big deal about it. Just withholding the reward will be enough. So, if someone is late and they apologize then simply accept the apology and forgive them. If they are on time, reward them generously. The next tool is one of my favorites. It is amazing the power of an insightful question. This was made popular by the Greek philosopher Socrates. It is now known as the “Socratic” method. To use this tool, you must ask questions that lead to the discovery of truth.

Please subscribe to this podcast and leave a rating and review, to help others find this podcast. Also join the Facebook group. Here is the spot to click and set up a time so we can discuss how you can use these tools and others to get your amazing life!

I’m betting you are normal and you base your thoughts and beliefs on results. If I got the result, I wanted then my goals were successful right? How many of you look at your day to see what you got done? It is probably not about what you worked at but what you accomplished. Let me know if I’m getting warm here. I get stuck here too. In the past I had expected to get a great job and I wanted to do it without working my way up the ladder. Or maybe you want a successful business from day one without first putting forth a little effort. People on social media, or in interviews like to show how success sneaks up on someone; and they become an “overnight” success. That is not how it usually happens. It comes as a result of having a clear personalized plan of action, and then investing the hard work and resources to allow success to come into view. If you have the results that you deem you consider yourself successful then you have put in the correct efforts for that day, right.

Let’s look at success. It operates the same way.  Athletes don’t become superstars overnight. Actors don’t go directly to Broadway. We have gone into many of the examples in past episodes. Most business people try at least 3 or 4 things before finding one that works, and most entry level jobs are little more than a learning process. Do you try more than two things or do you just figure you are not lucky enough or don’t have the contacts to be successful. Do you get stuck on the results and let that determine your effort?

You need to decide what you’re willing to put into the process of bringing success into your life. Remember there are no shortcuts to success. There is no magic button. Not one thing that can be told to us and get to what we want. When looking at things that way we are concentrating on the results. But average people are the ones that concentrate on results. Successful people concentrate on effort. Truthfully the effort that you put in is the only thing that you have control over anyways. If you look at any superstar, they would not be the superstar they are if they had the results from the beginning. There would have been other things that they had learned like focus and a love of work. The reason for this is that there are things that come with the time, effort, and money that we invest.

Maybe you think you can’t afford to invest in your future. What are you willing to give up to bring new successes into your life? The world abhors a vacuum. If you empty things from your life there will be things that rush into fill that void. Some of the big names have recommended investing 3% of your income into success. Many of you have no idea of what that would look like. If you make just $12 an hour which is $1920 a month your investment at 3% would be $58 per month. What if your yearly income is $65,000 a year at that point it should be 5% which would be $270 a month. What if you want to make $150,000 a year well prepare yourself by investing $625 a month to increase your income. What if you want to make 1 million then $4150 is your bench mark. Reach beyond what you think you can afford.  It will accelerate your success!

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We spoke about this a little in episode 219. Let’s start with real world examples of when and how this starts. I just saw this video but it has been around for quite a while. This video is of a 4-year-old getting her hair done and she tells the hairdresser “I’m So Ugly.” It is not uncommon for body dysmorphia to start this way. The hairdresser tries to tell the girl how beautiful the girl is. The young girl has so much energy tied up in the message that she is not pretty or enough. Body dysmorphia can easily start this early. In fact, this young girl had most likely thought this more times before saying this. The crazy thing about body dysmorphia is that there is no reality to it. Ariyonna, this young girl 4 years old already has preconceived ideas about her beauty. Her ideas and her looks don’t match.

Where does the evidence come from, behind these kinds of thoughts?  The truth is there is no evidence. The focus is on a “perceived” defect or flaw in one's body. But when you have body dysmorphic disorder you intensely focus on parts of your appearance and image. The people suffering from this take it to the extreme. Think about how many times you look at yourself in the mirror each day? Are you seeking out cosmetic fixes or procedures to overcome perceived flaws? Do you look for reassurance from others about how you look?  Do you fixate on your face, nose, wrinkles, hair, skin breast size, muscle tone or genitalia. But all these dysmorphic ideas have no evidence in reality.

As these ideas continue to grow, they can start to appear in experiences such as eating disorders. Eating disorders show up as anorexia, Binge Eating Disorder (BED), and four other feeding and eating disorders. Dysmorphia also can play a part in depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, substance abuse, behavioral health issues, and disfigurement due to repeated surgical interventions. I’m sure you can think of people in the news that have suffered from at least one of these. It is not hard to see how one can go from being preoccupied with the apparent flaws your body has to being on this list. These problems are very common in fact there are more than 3 million cases per year in the US alone.

Body dysmorphia is based on the thought of how others view them. It is about fears that you have. You fear the things you believe others will see in you. It is a good practice to include journaling, breathing, and meditation. Your ideas once written down will be observed and you will more easily be able to move past them. Once written down you might be able to see how the view you have accepted is just perceived and not as real as you originally gave it credit. Rid yourself of things that cause you to have low self-esteem. If clothing doesn’t fit you well donate it. If friends or relatives bring you feelings of not being good enough, put some distance between you and them.

You may be comparing yourself constantly with others. You may set unrealistic goals for yourself. Instead of trying to set up outcome related goals make better choices on what you eat. Eat less processed foods and more fruits and vegetables. Eat with mindfulness.

Please subscribe to this podcast and leave a rating and review, to help others find this podcast. Also join the Facebook group. Here is the spot to click and set up a time so we can discuss how you can use these tools and others to get your amazing life!

Ken:

All right today we have Jaclyn Phillips. She is a photographer, she owns an event venue, and she is an author. Her first book “Comfortably Uncomfortable” was just released. Welcome to the show Jacquelyn.

Jacquelyn:

Thanks for having me.

Ken:

You're welcome so let's go ahead and get into this tell me about who you were in the beginning and how you got to this place?

Jacquelyn:

So, prior to where I'm at today I spent a good portion of my years on this planet, keep in mind, I'm not even 40 yet, really just miserable. I took life in a scorched-earth approach. I assume that every interaction was a potential threat. I went about pushing others away and making myself a 1-man band. It's not a way to live. It's painful and it’s a lonely way to live. I had a really rough childhood and so I had developed all of these ways of managing, that weren’t helping or providing me fulfillment. I often felt myself just tired of being the broken toy in the corner. Which I wasn't, it was a really poor mental state to be in. I had invested in myself and I decided that I didn't want to live that life any more. So, I hired a Life coach, a regular therapist, a trauma therapist and I got meds. I started getting exercise. I put all of this effort into finding out who I really was. the happy person that was buried in there, who has been wanting to break out all along but didn't know how. Today I share my story and I do my best to help others.

I have talked with you about the importance of nutrition in many of our episodes. I have found a clinically proven product that I drink one packet a day and it gives my body all the micronutrients I need. This is an all-natural product you will love. The packet is filled with superfoods and all their nutrients. Best of all it comes with a 100% Money back guarantee, so there is no risk. Many doctors are now recommending this. Start your day like I do with a packet of nutrition. You are going to want to try this. Goto https://kengerber.kyani.com/ Then if you would like to become a business partner contact me. Join me in having Kyani each day to improve your health!

Jacquelyn also answers these questions. Listen to the podcast!

You’ve said in the book that improving communication with your husband was key to your journey, how did you do that?

What are your thoughts on social media and mental health? Any tips to keep it in perspective?

If there were only three truths that you leave for this world and your posterity, what 3 ideas would you leave for them that could lead them to have an amazing life?

What is the best way for folks to connect with you and buy your book?

Web:

GrownUpGrowingPains.com, Insta: @grownupgrowingpains, FB: /Grownupgrowingpains

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Porn affects people in many different ways. But some of the big problems are that it can replace real interaction with others, it can setup body dysmorphia and unrealistic ideas about sex. In over 85 studies they have linked poor mental and emotional health to porn use. These effects can range from brain fog to social anxiety, depression to flashbacks. Eating disorders are on the rise with young folks and cause more deaths than any other mental illness. This idea of idealized notions of body image are a huge problem and are fed from most marketing as well as adult pictures and movies. Porn use has been found to cause a noticeable reduction in grey matter in key areas of the brain. These are all found in research studies yet these studies do not get much attention in the media.

After Covid many people are lonelier than ever before. At the same time there has been a steep climb in depression, anxiety, and adult material. Pornhub a giant website has reported a 22% increase after covid hit. Lewd movies and pictures are what many look to as a form of connection and a way of coping with covid. But has it had the effect they were counting on? People who are often feeling greater levels of distress, anxiety, loneliness, or depression report a greater desire to seek out pornography. No one can argue that there is a great abundance of those emotions going around at this time. The release felt from the use of pornography and masturbation is likely to give a temporary relief from those emotions.

So, if the answer is that they can affect mental health, this means we have to look inside ourselves and see if it is affecting us the way we want. If not, one of the things to focus on is how do we gain the connection we want in these times?  The truth is we all have an innate hardwired ability to seek out a community. This ability to connect is what allows us to make it as a species.

I have talked with you about the importance of nutrition in many of our episodes. Goto https://kengerber.kyani.com/

Just because a strong connection is vital and natural does not mean that it is not difficult at times to create. Many people concentrate on communication. They feel if they are communicating their ideas then they are connecting. This is not actually the case, communication and connection are not the same. Think about a time when you were in a room filled completely with people you might have talked with a number of them and yet you felt alone. This is because connection is not an exchange of information but is an exchange of humanity and emotion. World-renowned speaker Sean Stephenson said “That’s when connection takes place: the moment we feel that somebody cares about us, we’re open to learning from them.” Is it possible to connect, to exchange humanity and emotion through X-rated content?

How do we exchange our humanity and our emotions? There are a few simple steps to start.

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The effects that Trauma has on you is very real. Sometimes we don’t even know that trauma has occurred. It could be that it has been blocked from memory. It could be that you just don’t understand or have recognized it. So, let’s answer the question: what is trauma? Trauma is an experience that leaves a lasting negative impact on your behaviors, relationships, thoughts, or feelings. They can come from a list that is still incomplete as there are still people around. Trauma can come from experiences, you might be experiencing them if you have had to deal with abuse, death, loss, or betrayal. Just as each of us can have something different cause the trauma but each person can experience it differently. It is not helpful to compare or contrast yourself with anyone around you. It is important for us to recognize what the triggers are. Then how you experience and respond to what has happened to you.

In order to move past a trauma, you must first be out of the situation. You must be safe before any type of healing can happen. Safety means you have a place where you will not be re-traumatized. It also means that you will feel loved and accepted. A “Safe Place” is one free from bias, abuse of any kind, conflict, criticism, or potentially threatening actions, ideas, conversations or violence. You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be in a place that you feel no abuse or violence in. Do you have a safe place to go to leave behind the traumas that you have faced? Do you have a strong and compassionate person that can lead you safely through the experience, and remove the memories from every part of your body?

Another way to overcome PTSD is to get healthy. This means eating and drinking the correct things. It also means movement. I know I sound like a broken record, but movement, sleep, and healthy eating have a huge impact on most every part of your life. Reducing or removing caffeinated and sugary tasting drinks will make a difference that you will mostly likely not expect. Inflammatory foods contribute to feelings of anxiety and restlessness. Reducing sugar can help. Movement creates the right hormones and transmitters in your body to help you feel happier. Getting healthy will put you on the road to happiness.

I have talked with you about the importance of nutrition in many of our episodes. Goto https://kengerber.kyani.com/

There are alternatives to medications that can also be used. Medications have down sides and they cause side effects. Medications may cause vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, weight gain, drowsiness, sedation, constipation, and dry mouth. Now herbal treatments can reduce anxiety and depression and are less likely to have side effects. Feverfew and butterbur can be used to treat migraines associated with PTSD. Drinking the following teas may be able to contribute to reducing anxiety and stress: peppermint, turmeric, ginger, Ashwagandha, Kava Kava, Chamomile, passion flower, lemon balm, and rose tea. These natural options can be helpful with overcoming PTSD.

Working through the trauma is also a big help in overcoming PTSD. While working through the traumatic events you will want to work through them on a cellular level throughout your body. This will get rid of the memories. This will help you to overcome the hard-wired survival strategies based on flight, flight, freeze or please responses are hard to break away from. Without overcoming the trauma on a cellular level, you could still fall back into old mind-body-brain patterns.

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Burn out, I’m betting you know what it is.  I mean who hasn’t experienced more stress over the last year? Burnout is one of the psychological terms that is familiar to the public. Let’s look back in 2019. You spent 10 to 12 hours a day outside of your house. Your kids were gone each and every day for that same time period. Evenings and weekends you spent with friends and family members. You went to the gym, movie theaters and restaurants. You were busy but mostly happy. Then in March of 2020 everything changed. Maybe you started working or attending school remotely, or having your kids home schooled or just home more, maybe your income dropped or you lost a job. It could have been that you lost people, or just did not have the social network that we had before Covid. It may be that you have not seen one of your best friends for over 1 year. Maybe you are a healthcare worker and you have been working overtime, seeing more death and pain than you had in the past. You could be one of the 61% of adults or the 82% of Generation Z that said they needed more emotional support. WHO (World Health Organization) found in a research study that mental health matters including suicide are likely to become a bigger concern in the near future? They stated they will peak later and last longer than Covid. Burnout is now considered an Medical diagnosis by the WHO. What you may not know is “burnout” is a new thing. The term was coined first in 1974 by Herbert Freudenberger in his book The High cost of Achievement. Yet, it can be felt on every continent and in every climb. It does not discriminate by race or nationality. Despite being a new term there are so many people that understand it and feel its effects. How has burnout affected you?

Let’s get into how burnout feels. You could be feeling frustrated with work, and unhappy about the people you work with and the conditions you work in. Maybe your performance is way down and you find hours going by with very little to show for it. You might have symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches or intestinal issues. Burnout can often cause people to feel drained, unable to cope and tired. How many of those are you feeling? Number one thing is for you to stay here on this earth. I want you here! If you are having suicidal thoughts contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911. The number one thing is to stay safe. I care about each of you and want you here so we can be together tomorrow.

I have talked with you about the importance of nutrition in many of our episodes. Goto https://kengerber.kyani.com/

The way to conquer burnout is by building good habits into our lives. Habits that promote wellness and reduce stress.

Please subscribe to this podcast and leave a rating and review, to help others find this podcast. Also join the Facebook group. Here is the spot to click and set up a time so we can discuss how you can use these tools and others to get your amazing life!