Zero Doinks: World's Weirdest Chicago Bears Podcast

We'll be honest, we don't spend much of this episode talking about the Cardinals-Bears game. Nor do we do a deep dive into Bears-Packers. So what do we spend over two hours talking about? Welp, I hope your name isn't Brad Biggs because you might be in the crosshairs juuuuust a bit. Plus lots of other stuff, including a B1G team in the football playoffs, Gray Balls suffering their first defeat, and tons more. Get better soon, JF1, otherwise why flip on the boob tube.

00:00 - 01:44 - Intro needing Pepto

01:44 - 03:47 - What's on tap tonight?

03:47 - 52:13 - Bears-Cards review, Bears-Packers preview, other nonsense. Lots of Brad Biggs talk here, going to be honest with you. Dan Pompei, you're such a weird. Vikings are sadder than the Bears, in many ways. We are all Monk now.

52:13 - 62:22 - Bears Fantasy Corner. Who should you probably not take in your Same Game Parlays this weekend.

62:22 - 87:23 - Hamm's N Bread. Rick Feelsmen 2.0 (12-15) pops in for his hot hot picks this week, we look at lines that catch our eye and Toffees Corner vists the greatest soccer team to ever grace the pitch, Everton.

87:23 - 88:10 - Where can you find us on the interwebs?

88:10 - 107:28 - B1G Minute. Where are the Gophers going bowling? What did we think of Michigan's thumping of Iowa football and entry into the college playoff? How are the Illini and Gophers doing in B1G hoops thus far?

107:28 - 115:33 - Gray Balls. The now 2-1 Gray Balls 35+ intramural hoops squad tries to bounce back after a tough loss.

115:23 - 132:39 - Let's wrap this m'fer up. Bulls talk. Our youth coaching careers might be coming to a thankful end in the next couple of weeks.

132:39 - END - Lots of tunes to hit your ears.

For all of you, like us, who sat through that wretched Thanksgiving Bears-Lions game, may we be rewarded in the afterlife. Cairo Santos kicks a game-winner, Andy Dalton was given a silver football (and seemed way too excited about it) and rumors continue to swirl around Matt Nagy's job status. Just end it all, okay? The top NFC team cruises into Soldier Field this weekend as the very handsome Kliff Kingsbury tries to keep the good times rolling for his Arizona Cardinals. We'll talk about all of these things plus Bears Fantasy Corner, Hamm's N Bread and an eventful B1G weekend for our Illini and Gophers. Thanks for listening and we hope you enjoy us completely losing our composure. 

00:00 - 03:09 - Intro featuring everything Cairo Santos 

03:09 - 04:35 - What's on tap tonight? 

04:35 - 40:27 - Bears-Lions review, Bears-Cardinals preview. Nagy job status. Did Bill watch the game after he said he wasn't going to? Any takeaways? Who deserved the Zero Doinks Cornish Hen Player Of The Week as voted on by our Fans N Eggs? Lots of rumors swirling around Matt Nagy. What does Dan have to say about Arizona this week? The boys discover a new reptile and get super weird from there. 

40:27 - 46:35 - Bears Fantasy Corner. After a tight Jimmy Graham/Jesper Horsted battle, who will the boys pick this week? 46:35 - 67:42 - Hamm's N Bread. Resident sharp, shark and whale Rick Feelsmen pops in for his three hot hot picks and the boys tell you which way they are leaning on a few NFL games of note, including Bears-Cards. Toffees Corner wraps up the segment with multiple segments inside of it. Everton ... not great? 

67:42 - 68:35 - Where can you find us on the interwebs? Plus new music album link here

68:35 - 88:10 - B1G Minute. Huge weekend for the Gophers and the Illini as Paul Bunyan's Axe returns to Minneapolis and Abe Lincoln's Hat now lives in Champaign. We have some thoughts on this year's B1G title matchup and some early season hoops observations. 

88:10 - 94:49 - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up. No Gray Balls this week so let's send everyone home with a bang. 

94:49 - END - a smorgasbord of sound

One can only hope by the time you are listening to this episode that Ted Phillips, Ryan Pace and Matt Nagy have all resigned out of shame. Or someone found incriminating photos of all three of them at a local farm. It's long past time to burn it all down. Dan Doinks was on the scene as the Bears lose to a Lamar Jackson-less Baltimore Ravens squad. How did it feel to hear "Fire Matt Nagy" chants with your own ears at Soldier Field, Dan? The only thing that could have made that loss worse was a JF1 injury, so of course he did, why not, what is the point of being a Bears fan anymore. Anywho, we'll make it weird as always. Hey, at least the Bulls are amazing ... as are the Gray Balls.

0:00 - 03:30 - Our first Christmas-y song of the season as Daughter of Bill Doinks and Bill Doinks present to you a custom-build version of Joni Mitchell's "River," with the editing stylings of Coach Cuse putting the finishing touches on our latest tune.

03:30 - 05:02 - What's on tap tonight?

05:02 - 13:17 - Justin Fields is Gold. Our guy suffered some bruised ribs after a tough first half. We blame Matt Nagy because why not, though this wasn't JF1's best appearance.

13:17 - 56:47 - Bears-Ravens review, Bears-Lions preview, NFL nuggets. Just a lot to cover here but it goes off the rails. Do not let Ryan Pace hire his third coach, bottom line.

56:47 - 68:59 - Bears Fantasy Corner. Just super weird.

68:59 - 69:46 - Where you can find us on the interwebs.

69:46 - 111:01 - Hamms N Spreads. The weirdest yet, we dive deep into a special suburban appearance by Cairo Santos as well as expert Everton nuggets during Toffees Corner.

111:01 - 119:06 - B1G Minute. The Gophers can play spoiler. The Illini need a win against Pat Fitzgerald and the Wildcats.

119:06 - 135:14 - Gray Balls. Will this 35+ intramural squad ever lose again? I doubt it. How did Rick Feelsmen do?

135:14 - END - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up + Outro. An update on our coaching prowess(es) with our kindergarten and second grade hoops teams. Thank you to the Scatman, Sufjan Stevens, Elton John, Coach Cuse, Rick Feelsmen, Daughter of Bill Doinks and more.

After a relaxing bye week for us Bears fans, JF1 and the lads prep for a return to Soldier Field as Lamar Jackson and the Ravens will be coming to town. The boys will give you their hot hot fantasy and gambling picks (as will resident sharp and shark, Rick Feelsmen). Plus the long-awaited return of Gray Balls as Coach Cuse has put together quite the squad to try and defend the crown for the 35+ intramural champions (consolation bracket) of the world. Plus tons more, including both Bill and Dan venting about coaching their children in their local park district basketball leagues.

00:00 - 02:26 - Intro song(s) courtesy of some weird karaoke site as well as Pennywise (not the clown) and Coach Cuse + Rick Feelsmen

02:26 - 03:56 - What's on tap tonight?

03:56 - 29:25 - Bears-Ravens preview. A little more about the refs in Bears-Steelers. Big week for the NFC North, besides the Lions.

29:25 - 30:12 - Where can you find Zero Doinks on the interwebs?

30:12 - 35:54 - Bears Fantasy Corner. Who should you pick up for your daily fantasy teams, same game parlay, et al.

35:54 - 55:40 - Hamm's N Bread. Resident and exclusive whale, shark and sharp @rickfeelsmen pops in with his three hottest picks of the week. Plus which way would the boys lean in Bears-Ravens and a few other recommended plays. As always, the segment ends with Toffees Corner, a review/preview of the boys's favorite soccer team, Everton.

55:40 - 67:43 - Big Ten Minute. The Gophers stink again, apparently. The Illini had the week off and travel to Iowa City. Will Dan's Gophers exceed seven wins, per his wallet? Hoops season is here, thank the sweet lord.

67:43 - 76:58 - Gray Balls. America's favorite 35+ intramural basketball team is back to defend their (consolation) championship in the western suburbs of Chicago. The 2021 - 2022 season kicked off on Wednesday and the boys will tell you all about what happened and what's coming up this week. Also, who won the Zero Doinks Cornish Hen Player of the Week Award?

76:58 - 95:39 - Let's Wrap This M'Fer Up. Dan has some Bulls thoughts and both Doinks need to let off some steam about the youth hoops teams they are coaching (to a combined 0-7 record, thus far). We might stink as leaders of young men/women.

95:39 - END - Lots of gifts to your ears from us. Hope you enjoy. Thanks for listening.

Chicago's comeback attempt falls short on Monday Night Football as the Bears lose to Big Ben's grey penis in Pittsburgh. We'll talk all about JF1's continued ascension toward greatness, and Matt Nagy's latest example of why he should be facing an obvious firing, as the Bears head into their bye week. Plus of course we'll talk about Jordan Love's debut for Green Bay which should have offered Packers fans a glimpse into the abyss. We also invite Aaron Rodgers to 'see us after class' as well as discuss the Illini football squad's big win at #20 Minnesota, which I'm sure made Dan Doinks feel all sorts of things. Plus more!

00:00 - 04:03 - Intro song, etc. Thank you Collective Soul for your inspiration.

04:03 - 05:21 - What's on tap tonight?

05:21 - 13:37 - Justin Fields is Gold. The main bright spot amongst a pile of darkness.

13:37 - 50:47 - Bears-Steelers review plus NFL notes. Bill and Dan Doinks dive as deep as possible into the Bears game, though admittedly both have been throwing down beverages for a few hours. Plus we are pretty sure Jordan Love stinks.

50:47 - 58:34 - See Me After Class. Bill Doinks takes Aaron Rodgers to town.

58:34 - 59:21 - Where do you find Zero Doinks on the interwebs?

59:21 - 81:43 - B1G Minute. Dan Doinks is still very hurt by the way he was treated after his Gophers got schooled in football, no less, by the Illinois Fighting Illini.

81:43 - 89:53 - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up. Bulls talk and other oddities.

89:53 - END - Outro music. Lots of credits due, not the least of which is Coach Cuse, Marcell in Minneapolis, Sufjan Stevens, Rick Feelsmen and others.

Matt Nagy sits this one out but another loss hits the column nonetheless as Jimmy G and the 49ers roll all over Chicago's defense on Halloween afternoon. At least Justin Fields looked pretty sweet, right? That's really all this season is about, let's be honest, especially with the trade deadline looming and a GM and coach whose jobs should be just about over. We talk all about what stood out to us against San Francisco while looking ahead to this Monday night in Pittsburgh heading into a bye week. Plus tons more, including the smoking hot shark, sharp and whale Rick Feelsmen (version 2.0 is 8-7), musical diddies and a look ahead to the B1G football matchup of the year - Illini at Gophers. Thanks for continuing to listen through all this slog.

0:00 - 05:11 - Intro song + more. Thanks to Face to Face for the inspiration, courtesy of Coach Cuse, Rick Feelsmen and Bill Doinks.

05:11 - 06:08 - What's on tap tonight?

06:08 - 20:25 - Justin Fields is Gold. JF1 had a few highlight-reel worthy plays against San Fran so at least we have that going for us, which is nice.

20:25 - 71:21 - Bears-49ers review, Bears-Steelers preview, NFL nuggets. Maybe the defense is bad now. Cool. Special teams were pretty useless though we have a new love. Who wins the Zero Doinks Cornish Hen Player of the Week? Plus a few words for Vikings Fans followed by Dan previewing Steelers week.

71:21 - 79:35 - Bears Fantasy Corner. Dan gets a big win to climb up the standings a bit.

79:35 - 100:35 - Hamm's N Spreads. @rickfeelsmen pops in to brag about his 2-1 week and the boys give you their hot hot picks for Week 9 of the NFL. Plus Everton talk in the segment within the segment within the segment.

100:35 - 101:27 - Where can you find us on the interwebs?

101:27 - 116:28 - B1G Minute. The Illini visit the B1G West-leading Minnesota Gophers this week. Should PJ Fleck be nervous? Why in the world was Kofi Cockburn suspended for three games by the NCAA?

116:28 - 128:45 - Let's wrap this m'fer up. Bulls. Gray Balls around the corner.

128:45 - END - Thank you to Sufjan Stevens, Death Cab for Cutie, Wild Light, Coach Cuse, Daughter of Bill Doinks, Bill Doinks and probably Rick Feelsmen for musical inspirations.

The Bears fell to under .500 at the vengeful hands of Tom Brady and his 600+ career TDs. Under Matt Nagy, this Bears outfit had no chance to hang with the defending champs, which feels like a bit of a problem. What next for bewildered rookie QB Justin Fields and his teammates? San Fran stumbles into town this weekend for what feels like an absolute must win. Is Dan even bothering to show up? We'll talk about everything this week as we do every week. Oh - and Bill has a message for Green Bay fans.

0:00 - 02:33 - Intro song. Another new tune slaps your ears courtesy of Bill Doinks, Coach Cuse and Rick Feelsmen, inspired by Sir Elton.

02:33 - 03:35 - What's on tap tonight?

03:35 - 13:53 - Justin Fields is Gold. What can be done to keep JF1 afloat this week and for the balance of 2021? Too many turnovers but not enough help.

13:53 - 60:42 - Bears-Bucs review, Bears-49ers preview + NFL nuggets. We don't lament the gross loss too much but moreso dive into big picture stuff. How do we see the rest of the schedule breaking down? Bill has some sharp truths for Packers fans who are living high on the hog right now. Dan walks us through this Sunday's opponent, San Francisco.

60:42 - 84:13 - Hamm's N Bread. Resident sharp, shark and expert Rick Feelsmen (Rick 2.0 is 6-6 overall) pops in for this week's hot hot picks. Which side are Dan and Bill leaning for Bears-49ers and other NFL games of note? Plus Toffee's Corner for some Everton soccer talk. Are they bad? They might be bad.

84:13 - 85:00 - Where can you find us on the interwebs?

85:00 - 92:08 - Bears Fantasy Corner. After last week's battle between Jimmy Graham and Demarius Byrd, who can the boys call on for victory this Sunday? 

92:08 - 107:13 - B1G Minute. Bill's Illini upset #7 Penn State in Happy Valley. Dan's Gophers are tied atop the B1G West. What a turnaround! 

107:13 - 120:52 - Let's wrap this M'Fer Up. Bulls chatter. Surprise packages arrive to Bill's home. Who are these Island Boys guys?

120:52 - END - Thank you to Coach Cuse for his continued skills on the outro song(s) and special thanks to Death Cab for Cutie and Wild Light for their inspiration with the outro music (plus Millencolin, per usual).

Aaron Rodgers might own the Bears but he does not own Zero Doinks. We will talk all about the Bears having now lost 10 out of 11 to Green Bay as well as Rodgers's message for all of Soldier Field. Dan Doinks was in the flesh to witness yet another loss to the Packers and frankly this is all too familiar of a feeling, wake us up when both Rodgers and Nagy are gone. We talk about JF1's latest performance as well as preview this upcoming weekend's lopsided matchup at Tom Brady and the defending champion Tampa Bay Bucs. Rick Feelsmen pops in for his latest hot hot picks and the boys of Zero Doinks offer their can't miss winners as well as their best fantasy football advice. The Gophers beat Nebraska again, the Illini hoops team is ranked #11 in the country and there's just tons more to talk about including a post-mortem of the 2021 Chicago White Sox. Plus Dan teaches us where urine and semen are stored.

0:00 - 04:51 - Intro. Inspired by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel with thanks to Doctor Dan, Kristen Doinks, Coach Cuse and Bill Doinks, the debut of "Sound of Silence" heard exclusively on Zero Doinks.

04:51 - 05:55 - What's on tap tonight?

05:55 - 16:55 - Justin Fields is Gold. We have not and will not give up on JF1. What were the highs and lows of his first ever game against Green Bay?

16:55 - 76:25 - Bears-Packers review, Bears-Bucs preview, NFL nuggets. Dan Doinks was at Soldier Field and he walks us through his entire experience, including more vendor issues. We hate Matt Nagy again. The defense is allowed to stop the run, right? Who won this week's Zero Doinks Cornish Hen Player of the Week as voted on by our Fans N Eggs from around the world? Moving onto Tampa, Dan previews all the weirdness that is the Bucs's coaching staff and front office and introduces us to a guy who suffered the most unfortunate of all football injuries.

76:25 - 77:18 - Where can you find us on the interwebs?

77:18 - 106:28 - Hamm's N Bread. Plus Spreads + Toffees Corner. Resident sharp, shark and whale Rick Feelsmen pops in for his weekly hot hot picks and the boys pick a side in Bears-Bucs. What other games catch Dan's eye? How did Everton do and what are their prospects for this upcoming weekend?

106:28 - 115:57 - Bears Fantasy Corner. It was Allen Robinson versus Darnell Mooney to nearly even the score between Dan and Bill. Who are their hot picks for your Same Game Parlay this weekend?

115:57 - 126:25 - Big Ten Minute. The Gophers won again. The Illini had a bye and are gearing up for basketball season. We still love Hugh Robertson.

126:25 - 147:04 - Let's Close the M'Fer Out. Bill gives his post-mortem of the 2021 White Sox. It's nearly Bulls season. The Chicago Sky won the WNBA championship as Chicago becomes championship city once again.

147:04 - END: Full "California On My Mind" Green Bay version, compliments of Coach Cuse and Bill Doinks with thanks to Wild Life. Plus "White Winter Hymnal" compliments of Coach Cuse, Daughter of Bill Doinks and Bill Doinks, with thanks to Fleet Foxes. Plus interviews of Coach Cuse and Rick Feelsmen by Bill Doinks. And music by Sufjan Stevens about clowns. And Darren from Dublin audio.

JF1 is the starter now and the rest of the league is on notice. Justin Fields and the Bears have won two straight after a W in Las Vegas against racist (and now fired) Jon Gruden and the Raiders, led by trash panda owner Mark Davis. We will give you the ins and outs of the Bears win as well as the reintroduction of Justin Fields is Gold now that he shall be the starter forever more, praise be to the lord, the giver of life. Plus - have you heard? It's Packers week! Aaron Rodgers comes to Soldier Field for perhaps the final time in his career, depending how this offseason shakes out. You know we'll have all the angles on this game, as will resident shark, sharp and whale Rick Feelsmen. Bears Fantasy Corner, B1G Minute, Hamm's N Ted plus tons of special audio gifts throughout the show. Also, can Bill convince Dan to come back for one more run with Gray Balls? Thanks for listening, as always.

0:00 - 03:08 - Intro. Debut of a new song courtesy of Coach Cuse, Bill Doinks and Daughter of Bill Doinks, inspired by Temple of the Dog (RIP Chris Cornell).

03:08 - 04:37 - What's on tap tonight?

04:37 - 20:23 - Justin Fields is Gold. At long last, JF1 has been given the starting nod from now and forever more. Why did Matt Nagy change his mind? How did Fields do against the Raiders? Is his knee okay? That TD pass to Jesper Horsted was the first of many. Praise be.

20:23 - 21:10 - Where can you find us on the interwebs?

21:10 - 70:38 - Raiders review, Packers preview. The boys review the rest of Chicago's performance in Las Vegas and decide which player has earned a well-deserved Zero Doinks Cornish Hen Player of the Week. Let's talk about the defense, holy shit, they've been amazing since week one. And what did Dan Pompei say in The Athletic? What a weird. Did Ryan Pace trade for a lemon in Jakeem Grant? But let's not bury the lead. The Packers are coming to town in Week 6 for what could very well be the last Soldier Field visit for Aaron Rodgers and his stupid hair. Can the Bears knock off Green Bay and rise to the top of the NFC North? Is Dan going to be in the house?

70:38 - 97:37 - Hamm's N Bread. America's favorite sports wagering segment, featuring Hamm's N Bread (the segment within the segment) led by exclusive sharp, sharp and whale Rick Feelsmen. Which way are the boys leaning in GB-Chi? Any other games catch the eye? How about some Toffees Corner where Zero Doinks talks all things Everton soccer in the segment within the segment within the segment.

97:37 - 111:51 - Bears Fantasy Corner. How did our picks go last week (A Rob versus Khalil Herbert)? Who do we recommend you scoop this week for your Same Game Parlays and whatnot? As always, sponsored by both Glad and John Lithgow's Hollywood Square.

111:51 - 122:43 - Big Ten Minute. Is it basketball season yet? We still love you, Hugh. And Judy, obviously. And all of Australia. Is the daughter of Bill Doinks going to apply for something red hot in Champaign?

122:43 - 135:39 - Hamm's N Ted. The White Sox are hanging by a thread but Chicago is in Dusty Baker's head now so that's what really counts, right?

135:39 - 147:51 - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up. Can Bill convince Dan to jump back on board with Gray Balls as the season is starting in November? Thank you to The Average Cheese, Rick Feelsmen, Ryan Nall, Leila Rahimi, Coach Cuse and the Daughter of Bill Doinks.

147:51 - END Outro Music. Featuring the 2021 version of Bear Down Now, courtesy of Coach Cuse, Bill Doinks, Daughter of Bill Doinks, Son of Bill Doinks, and Son(s) of Coach Cuse (inspired by The Postal Service).

Your favorite Zero Doinks contributors were on site during yesterday's Bears-Lions game and the boys will recap a long and boozy day at Soldier Field. With Justin Fields notching his first W as a starting NFL quarterback, head coach Matt Nagy had to allow his ego to enter the story after it was revealed that Bill Lazor was the brains behind the Bears offensive scheme.  On Monday, Nagy reiterated that Andy Dalton will be the starter once again when healthy. The boys will talk about what is sure to be another unnecessarily-awkward week at Halas Hall leading into Chicago's first ever trip to Las Vegas against the Raiders. Plus tons more, including Zero Doinks's reaction about the next step toward the Bears leaving Soldier Field and shacking up in Arlington Heights. Also on tap: Rick Feelsmen 2.0 climbing his way back into the hearts and minds of our listeners after a 2-1 week. The segment within a segment gains a new sibling. The Illini get back in the W column as do the Gophers. The White Sox start their playoff journey against Houston this week as well. Urban Meyer is in some hot water. Plus tons more.

0:00 - 05:03 - Intro song, special thanks to Coach Cuse, Daughter of Bill Doinks, Son of Bill Doinks, Son of Coach Cuse, and The Postal Service.

05:03 - 05:48 - What's on tap tonight?

05:48 - 69:24 - Bears-Lions review, Bears-Raiders preview, NFL chitter chatter. How was the environment at Soldier Field? How many beers were consumed? Did someone try and catch highway grapes outside of a moving vehicle on the highway? Did we find the barrel? Did Rick Feelsmen make it to the game in time? Did Coach Cuse write any more songs?

69:24 - 70:11 - Where can you find us on the interwebs?

70:11 - 88:42 - Hamm's N Bread. Resident sharp, shark and whale Rick Feelsmen 2.0 (2-1) pops in to give his three hot hot picks during Hamm's N Spreads. Which way are the boys leaning with the Bears-Raiders line and total? Any other games catch our eye? The debut of the official segment within a segment within a segment, Toffees Corner, featuring red hot Everton chatter.

88:42 - 104:27 - Bears Fantasy Corner. How did last week's picks of Jimmy Graham versus Jesse James go? Who are our recommended Bears offensive picks for the Raiders game?

104:27 - 112:18 - Big Ten Minute. Both the Illini and the Gophers football clubs are back to their winning ways. Coach #bert plays the Badgers for the first time since abandoning them in 2012. Huge Top 5 B1G matchup this weekend with #4 Penn State visiting #3 Iowa.

112:18 - 118:34 - Hamm's N Ted. The #3-seeded Chicago White Sox start their run to a championship as they start their ALDS series against Houston this week. Can Dan swallow his pride and cheer for the Sox?

118:34 - 129:11 - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up. Where are we landing on the latest Bears to Arlington Heights developments? Urban Meyer got weird in a bar with some young ladies, eh?

129:11 - END: Outro music and sounds. Thank you to Coach Cuse and Sufjan Stevens for the inspiration behind "Chicago."