Zero Doinks: World's Weirdest Chicago Bears Podcast

The newly-adopted official Premier League team of Zero Doinks, Everton, is on the brink of relegation. A huge matchup with Crystal Palace is happening and Zero Doinks is (kind of) on the scene to see what the Toffee's fate will be. Special guests Rick Feelsmen, Mike from England + Darren from Dublin join Bill and Dan Doinks to see if Everton fans will be excited or horrified after today's bout.

The 2022 schedule is out and things are red hot in Dan's trousers. We take a look at how the Bears will run through this year's slate and highlight some dates that tickle our fancy. Plus Dipsh!ts and Dipsticks is back for another rousing update from Greasetank Frank (RIP to Rick who is vacationing without his thumbs). A few other surprises, per usual. Thanks for listening, we love you.

0:00 - 04:56 - A smattering of predictions from the Fans N Eggs crew (thank you's to The Wayouts and of course our Eggs: Phil in Indiana, TY in Ontario, Frank in Ohio, Mark in Alabama, Marcell in Minneapolis, Darren in Dublin)

04:56 - 07:56 - What's on tap tonight?

07:56 - 62:01 - Bizarre analysis of the newly-released 2022 Bears schedule. What do we think the final record will be? Does Poles need to carve out room at Halas Hall for Super Bowl trophy number two?

62:01 - 63:23 - How you can be the next Zero Doinks

63:23 - 67:19 - Dipsh!ts and Dipsticks with Greasetank Frank.

67:19 - 67:56 - Where can you find us on the interwebs?

67:56 - 88:59 - Outro weirdness, don't even remember what we were rambling about here.

88:59 - END - Bonus sound.

If there was any doubt Ryan Poles was going to start slow, the trading of Khalil Mack and additional cutting of three bloated contracts shows otherwise. Welcome to the kick off show for Season 4 of Zero Doinks. We can't believe we haven't been imprisoned yet so consider everyone lucky I suppose. We'll discuss the quick start to free agency for Poles and the Bears as well as discuss our feelings about Mack now being a LA Charger. Lots of QB news throughout the league, including that idiot up north. With March Madness starting this week, you know resident whale, shark and sharp Rick Feelsmen has some hot hot picks for your consideration. How is Bill feeling about the chances for the #4 seed Fighting Illini? Are the boys getting together for some Friday madness? Plus tons more!

00:00 - 02:28 - Intro sound taking us back to S3 finale and a very special character that is mentioned frequently on Zero Doinks. Thank you to Coach Cuse for the fresh sound for the intro.

02:28 - 04:54 - What's on tap tonight?

04:54 - 48:22 - Bears and NFL Chitter Chatter. Khalil Mack has been traded. Goldman, Cohen, Danny T released. New GM Ryan Poles made his first signing in DT Larry Ogunjobi. So many holes to fill, so little time (that's what she said). QB chatter from around the league, including America's weird uncle Aaron Rodgers, new Broncos QB Russell Wilson, plus old flame Mitch Trubisky lands in the Steel City. Is Virginia okay?

48:22 - 74:53 - Hamm's N Bread. America's weirdest gambling segment featuring Hamm's N Spread, starring resident shark, sharp and whale Rick Feelsmen. So many NCAA wagers to consider for March Madness. The boys finish with the segment within the segment within the segment, Toffee's Corner, where Everton FC is lamented for their mediocrity.

74:53 - 76:16 - Where can you find us on the interwebs?

76:16 - 89:29 - Big Ten Minute. Bill's Illini are a four seed, hoping to get back to the Sweet 16 for the first time in nearly 20 years. The B1G champs had an early B1G tournament exit but maybe that's a good thing? 

89:29 - 109:44 - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up. Did Gray Balls protect the crown? Hey, baseball is back, when will we start caring? How far are the Bulls going to make it in the NBA playoffs? An old fuzzy friend makes an appearance on Prime.

109:44 - END - Some sound nuggets.

The boys get together in person for the season finale of Zero Doinks's third year. Time flies when you're making jokes about Garfield's lasagna and John Wayne Gacy. From Ballydoyle's in Aurora comes Bill + Dan plus special guests galore as a new era of Bears football is soon on the horizon. No better way to end a season of Zero Doinks but with some hope, beer, new tunes and lots of immediately regrettable jokes. See you again in March, hope you enjoy, and thank you as always for giving us a shot. Special thanks: Bruce Springsteen for his inspiration for “Rick’s on Fire,” Tony Doinks for his vocals at the end of said song, Coach Cuse for the music, Darren in Dublin for his closing tune, Greasetank Frank for letting us use his version of “Hurt,” Brad Swiggs for joining us, Brother Dave, Rick Feelsmen and Coach Cuse for their attendance, Ballydoyle’s in Aurora for hosting us.

0:00 - 04:26 - Intro music, "Rick's On Fire," inspired by Bruce Springsteen, courtesy of Coach Cuse, Bill Doinks and Tony Doinks.

04:26 - 06:25 - What's on tap? Where are we? Who are we with?

06:25 - 29:04 - Hires have been made. What do the boys think about new GM Matt Poles and head coach Ryan Eberflus? Dan did a spontaneous deep dive on Flubberbus's Wiki page which led to a conversation about cats and Hungarian gymnast Nadia Comaneci. Rick Feelsmen talks about what made him such a weapon in high school. Brother Dave discusses animals in his home. Lasagna talk.

29:04 - 49:52 - Justin Fields is Gold. What did the boys think about JF1's rookie year in general, using a half-baked scale that Bill thought of on the fly. Rick Feelsmen talks about his missing thumbs again. Who was the worst Bears QB of all time? How will new offensive coordinator Luke Getsy help Fields reach his potential? Special guest Brad Swiggs jumps in 37:30 to answer some hard-hitting and personal questions about his life.

49:52 - 70:01 - Hamm's N Bread. Rick Feelsmen gives us a live Hamm's N Spreads and provides his hottest three picks for Super Bowl Sunday. Toffee's Corner (around minute 61) takes all sorts of turns with Newcastle fan Brother Dave in the house (apologies for the echos, it gets better the rest of the show).

70:01 - 82:02 - B1G Minute. March Madness is getting closer, how high can the Illini's seed rise and will the Gophers be joining them in the Field of 68? If the teams of choice for Coach Cuse and Brother Dave don't make the tourney, whose bandwagon will allow them to jump on?

82:02 - 92:06 - Gray Balls. The boys take advantage of having Coach Cuse, GM and coach of the defending champion 35+ intramural basketball team, in their presence. But the real highlight is when Rick Feelsmen presents Coach Cuse with a life-changing gift.

92:06 - 99:36 - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up. The Hamm's were a'slappin', don't really remember where we went here. Thank you to our guests and loyal listeners!

99:36 - END - Mash-up of Rick Feelsmen's best quotes from S3. Darren from Dublin wraps up the season with a new take on a great tune.

Black Monday struck hard at Halas Hall as not only was Chicago HC Matt Nagy canned, the seven-year reign of GM Ryan Pace was also deleted like a rack of Hamm's. Yet, somehow, Ted Phillips remains a trusted soldier of the McCaskey family despite years of uselessness. The boys of Zero Doinks talk all about their Bears feelings and discuss possible targets for both GM and head coach. This was a good day, Bears fans. Imperfect, but good. Also, Ryan Pace probably traded five more draft picks on his way out the door. 

0:00 - 04:03 - a symphony of sound + what's on tap tonight

04:03 - 59:36 - The boys talk about their experiences of Black Monday. How surprised were they with Ryan Pace getting fired on top of Matt Nagy's corpse? What are their immediate reactions to the George McCaskey press conference and the Chicago media's hard-slapping questions? Do the boys have any favorites for GM or coach?

59:36 - END - lots of sound for your ears to (hopefully) enjoy

The season is, mercifully, nearly over, and the Bears have put themselves in position to tie for second in the NFC North with a Week 18 win at Minnesota. But who cares, they're 6-10, and the only good news is there are a few teams more dreadful than them, including the New York Giants. Wow, they are terrible. Reports of Matt Nagy's imminent demise are now out there from reputable humans. But how dark and deep will Black Monday be next week? That's for next week's episode to hammer out. This week? We review the two part season finale of Monk, among other items of extreme interest to our listeners.

Who thought they'd have the opportunity to see BDN lead the Bears to a victory in 2021? Not Dan and Bill Doinks, that's for sure. Not sure what that says about the Seahawks to be honest but hey, who cares. Nothing changes about the future of this squad, though, as we are two weeks from (hopefully) major changes.

0:00 - 01:23 - Intro

01:23 - 02:17 - What's on tap tonight?

02:17 - 28:37 - Seahawks Review, Giants Preview. Would be so great to go against Mike Glennon this weekend, wouldn't it?

28:37 - 37:50 - Bears Fantasy Corner. Dan takes the lead!

37:50 - 62:41 - Hamm's N Bread. Rick Feelsmen drops in for his latest hot hot picks and the boys get ready for Everton-Newcastle, assuming it actually is played this week. Ninja turtles.

62:41 - 63:27 - Where can you find us on the interwebs?

63:27 - 72:23 - Let's Wrap This M'Fer Up.

72:23 - END - Outro tunes and drops.

What a shocker, Matt Nagy was fully in charge and the Bears lost. Somehow Chicago manages to lose despite giving up less than 100 yards passing to Kirk Cousins and the Minnesota Vikings. This is so sad. Celebrity journo Brad Swiggs pays the boys a visit this week plus tons more, including Rick Feelsmen and his hot pick(s) and who knows what else. Merry Christmas! Enjoy the two new tunes!

0:00 - 04:08 - New Christmas tune and intro

04:08 - 30:37 - Swiggs Time. Interview with journalistic expert Brad Swiggs.

30:37 - 81:47 - Review and Preview. The boys talk about Bears-Vikings and look ahead to Bears-Seahawks.

81:47 - 97:02 - Bears Fantasy Corner. John Lithgow was shirtless in the latest Dexter.

97:02 - 109:23 Hamms N Bread. Sports gambling talk. Toffees Corner. Rick Feelsmen.

109:23 - 110:10 - Where can you find us online

110:10 - 122:53 - Gray Balls. The greatest intramural squad ever built.

122:53 - 129:31 - Outro words.

129:31 - END - Cold close by friend of the program Tony Doinks.

The Packers beat the Bears for like the 900th time out of the last 969 games. Who cares, why is Matt Nagy still the coach. Can we just fast forward to 2022. JF1 was back so that was fun at times. Still too many rookie mistakes but hey, he gives Chicago reason for hope. We go off the rails a few times this episode so if you're looking for hard-hitting analysis, probably not going to find it here. But that's pretty much how we roll.

0:00 - 03:37 - Intro. Bringing back Oh Sweaty Ted this holiday season.

03:37 - 05:06 - What's on tap tonight?

05:06 - 10:51 - Justin Fields is Gold. JF1 returned from his rib injury tonight and had some flashes.

10:51 - 44:04 - Packers-Bears review, Vikings-Bears preview. The boys review the pilot episode of Monk and ask questions about intimate moments.

44:04 - 50:04 - Bears Fantasy Corner. The boys pick two can't miss Bears offensive players to add to your Same Game Parlays next Monday night.

50:04 - 64:17 - Hamm's N Bread. Rick Feelsmen pops in for god knows what during Hamms N Spreads and the boys talk about another team that can't win during Toffees Corner.

64:17 - 65:04 - Where can you find us on the interwebs?

65:04 - 73:06 - Gray Balls. The boys are well above .500 in their 35+ intramural basketball league. Will the Gray Balls ever lose again? Doubtful.

73:06 - 90:22 - Let's wrap this m'fer up. How did Dan's season wrap up, coaching second grade girls hoops? How many weeks left for Bill Doinks? Plus other musings, including a shout-out to a listener for a great tweet tonight.

90:22 - END - Musical stylings for your ears.