You are a powerful wizard, but are captured by the Dark Lord. WOULD YOU RATHER: Enchant an inanimate object and bring it to life to save you OR Have WWE’s The New Day save you?

WOULD YOU RATHER: Have every interaction you have with another person involve them being passive aggressive and you’re never quite sure if they’re actually mad at you OR have every month end with an unavoidable boss battle with disappointing rewards?

WOULD YOU RATHER: Be Freaky Friday’d into the body of a powerful teen thought influencer with a sweet YouTube channel but only be able to speak in questions to an increasingly demanding audience OR have your Freaky Friday incident go awry, causing you to become an inept ghost that can only haunt useless objects?

WOULD YOU RATHER: Lose the ability to communicate but be able to live normally other than that OR spend your life in perpituity with your friends in a mansion as an appliance?

WOULD YOU RATHER: Be the brand new sixth Power Rangers, the Mauve Ranger (an essential part of the group but have zero skills) OR Be John Wick’s identical French cousin who is constantly mistaken for your cousin but can only fight with 5% of the skill of your cousin?

WOULD YOU RATHER: Sire a powerful world leader OR be a Fox News anchor whenever Donald Trump is conveniently watching you?

The Trump Presidency is cancelled. By popular demand and a hard-fought campaign, you have won the presidency. WOULD YOU RATHER: Only be able to interact with foreign diplomats and the American public by screaming at the top of your lungs OR Hire Jaden Smith as your press secretary?

WOULD YOU RATHER: Only be able to speak the truth, and cannot avoid any questions asked of you OR Have every single decision in your life determined by a Magic 8-Ball?

To close out 2016, we bring back eight past losing scenarios and pit them against each other. Mistakes were made.

WOULD YOU RATHER: Be an assassination target in the video game Hitman OR be one of the Koopalings that is not Bowser Jr.? (Ending remix created by Twill Distilled. Get her hot jams at https://twilldistilled.bandcamp.com/.)