Now Lesbians can live forever in the comfort of knowing that they will never have to part with their favorite cats even after they've passed on. By spinning Fluffy's fur into yarn and then knitting a pretty little sweater, they'll be able to wear and stroke their favorite pussy for the rest of their lives. It's the ultimate Lesbian fantasy.

Just because a woman has teeth in her head, it doesn't mean that a man has to wake up with bite marks on his member after a heated night in the hay. The same goes for Lesbians with long nails....as long as she knows how to work those things! Novices need not apply.

As an American it's time to get up off your lazy ass and vote. Don't do it because it's your civic duty. Don't do it because your vote can change the course of this country for the next four years. Do it because once you're done you can get a free cup of coffee at Starbucks and a free donut at Krispy Kreme. Otherwise...why leave the house at all?

There's no use in trying to fight it. Once you move in together, nothing either of you have is secret anymore. Not even that secret list of all the exes you've ever slept with in your lifetime.

Why just add a little fiber to your diet, when you can get super clean instead with a complete colon detox? Impress your friends by crapping out 12-inch long turds two or more times a day and just say "no" to living with those 15 extra pounds of impacted fecal matter forever.

Some White Trash is easy to spot.  It's the way they know how to serve Spam in 25 different dishes, the way they can leave the cigarette ash hanging while they feed the baby, or the fact that a dentist doesn't live anywhere within a 100 mile radius of town. Then there's the kind catch you by surprise by paying the bill at a restaurant and never leaving a tip.

When people get married some couples change one of the last names so that the entire family shares the same name. Other people simply hyphenate both last names together. Then there are those souls who can only find a happy compromise by changing their last names to something altogether different. Meet the Kuntz family.

Most people only plan to get married once in their lives. So, if you're going to do it, you better make sure you do it right. Be the absolute best bridezilla you can be, even if it means picking chicken out of your teeth with a fake nail while you're getting a pedicure.

Now that school is back in session, it might be helpful for all the young Lesbians and baby Dykes to get some good advice about coming out to their new college roommates. How that got to hot sexual fantasies about Sarah Palin, we'll never truly understand.

If it wasn't enough for the Olympics to keep Lesbians out of the games by dropping Softball as an Olympic sport, now we have more proof that there is a conspiracy of Olympic proportions brewing. The official uniform of Beach Volleyball is now a pair of panties and a bra. What happened to board shorts, a sports bra and lots of hair gel? At least they still have cool sunglasses.