In a relationship, one partner may have an exit route, an external or internal dialogue that creates a one-sided connection. In our past relationships, backdoor exits were unilateral and not navigated together — instead, insecurity, blaming, and a dysregulated nervous system led the way. Everyone’s situation is different, but for us, making the choice to have each other’s backs and take a leap of faith to show vulnerable parts of ourselves allows a deeper sense of security in our relationship to form. 

In this episode, we discuss backdoor exit routes and how they can show up implicitly or explicitly. We share personal experiences from past relationships and the realization that insecurity played a role in our ability to fully trust and open up to our partners — this created silos and an inability to fully have the other’s back. Today, “We can do more than I can” is our  reminder to each other that “I got your back.”

Lastly, we explore the difference between codependency and interdependency, and provide tools and questions to help you and/or your partner navigate unsettled emotions about a (potential) backdoor exit route. 

If this episode sparked any interesting conversations or realizations, we’d love to hear from you. Share them with us at kristavanderveer.com. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Implicit and explicit backdoor exits in relationships 
• How a couple navigated the backdoor exit and found deeper commitment 
• Krista and Will reflect on past experiences involving backdoor exits
• A backdoor exit route as a way to feel secure or superior 
• How silos can form if we don’t fully have our partner’s back 
• The difference between codependency and interdependency 
• How the nervous system is an indicator of a relationships’ emotional state
• An inquiry for ourselves or our partner about a backdoor exit 

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

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