This week I will be joined by my colleague and friend Jesse MacBeth. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Pennsylvania. You can find Jesse at www.abetterlifetherapy.com  

Today’s Question: How do I get an emotionally avoidant partner to engage with me? I am trying to improve our relationship but no matter what I do, nothing really changes things. 

Answer: This should not be met with accusations but should be met with trying to understand how each person is feeling. Discuss triggers related to the relationship. The emotionally distant partner may feel as though things are going well. The discussion should try to answer why each person feels a certain way. You should try to validate your feelings and help each other understand what you need from each other. 

What is the difference between avoidance versus just communicating differently? It seems that with the label of Avoidnant, it is easier to justify your feelings, like you have validation that they are not as committed. However, it may be that they just simply communicate differently. 

Trying to have the conversation through discernment therapy may actually trigger the response that they really are truly not engaged. Maybe they did not know how to have this conversation. 

Through this, we should learn, we really do not always have certainty. Labels are easier to utilize and accept, than the difficult conversations at times. Labels also can be seen as critical of them and this breaks down the communication. Labels are rarely helpful in this scenario. 

Discernment therapy is an observation of both parties, not only the one that is leaning out. This therapy is meant to evaluate all parties and how each can improve the relationship. Both parties have a role to play in figuring out how to move forward. Also “I don’t know” is not a bad response but maybe it is an internal issue one person is struggling with. 

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Presented By: Cavalry Audio. 

Producers: Jason Seagraves & Margot Carmichael.  

Audio Editing: Revision Sound.

Music: Gramoscope Music. 

Show Notes by: Brett Burris

Executive Producers: Elizabeth Earnshaw, Dana Brunetti & Keegan Rosenberger. 

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