-The government shitdown unfolds as we speak, and we all pray that pinky promises are legally binding. 

-An Irish woman finds love in the arms of her new husband: the 300 year old ghost of a Haitian pirate. WTF News is back!

-#FakeNews NASA says our solar system contains a mysterious 9th planet... that we just haven't found yet. In related news, science determines all reality is a sham.

-Pennsylvania's Supreme Court made big waves when it struck down gerrymandering this week, prompting many in the Republican Party to comment, "Fuck."

-Women descend on the nation in droves demanding crazy feminazi shit like "equal pay" and "reproductive freedom." 

-Trump assumes his final form as a Reddit comment troll.

-China's new, freakishly efficient air purifier might be the answer to our ailing air quality. Also, trees.

-USE A PHONE.

-The Confessional pedals conspiracy theories, and Surprise, Bitch! surprises absolutely no one.

In this week's After Dark:

-Bad neighbors. We've all had them, and right now, Andrew is seething over his. He shares his latest horror stories and we empathize. 

-"Hi, can I show you how best to close a door?" Fuck off you lying shitburger.

-We plot revenge.

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