9 Chickweed Rage

Despite repeated mysterious technical difficulties, Brooke and Jeff persevered to bring you the 30th installment of this very important podcast. Was it worth all of the trouble? Of course the answer is no, probably not. But we begin with the aftermath of a date between Gil and Janice, the Nicolette Cignet photographer and Edda's friend and rival from the dance company we met way back in Episode 24: They Wanted You to Model Because of Sitzfleisch Allure. Gil is getting advice from Seth and Mark and tells them that he did not in fact bone Janice at the end of the date (which was their expectation), but instead kissed her on the left corner of her mouth. This move, according to Mark, is akin to "lighting a sensual fuse." Edda doesn't believe it, but Amos tries it and transports them to a series of famous romantic movies. First La Dolce Vita, then From Here to Eternity, Casablanca, It Happened One Night (which Jeff mistakenly places in 1939 instead of 1934, sorry!), before veering to North By Northwest and settling into the Tarzan canon. There are so many Tarzan strips, guys. It's all very, very stupid. But we soldiered on through multiple glitches and made it happen. Just for you! Also, Jeff tries really hard to explain Schrödinger's Cat to make a metaphorical point, only to fail in his explanation and then to fail to remember exactly why he was trying to make the point in the first place.

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Well, we've been gone for two months but we're back! And if you thought that this stupid comic strip wasn't still stupid, boy, are you in for a rude awakening! All the same old shit is still there: turtlenecks, Dutch angles, references to starlets of the '30s and '40s, no backgrounds, the McEldowney ellipsis! Oh, how did we survive all these weeks without these? Anyway, this stupid storyline is about Juliette and her boyfriend Elliott, whom everyone hates. (Including us!) One version of this story would be to say that he shows up to propose to her and ends up in the hospital. But it's all so fucking convoluted and the story changes with each new development. At first, Juliette is pretty confident that Elliott might pop the question, but she's not certain, so she wears a sexy dress to help him "pop." But later we discover that he proposes to her on a weekly basis. Then, we find out that the minute Elliott walked through the door, he inhaled a cough drop and needed medical attention. But later, we're told that he didn't inhale the cough drop until after she said yes. But even later, we're told that her dress caused him to have "an episode." And a doctor tells us that he inhaled a cough drop but then had an arrhythmia. Anyway, none of it makes any sense, especially the part where Elliott ends up in the ICU for more than a day. To confuse things even more, Brooke and Jeff talk about the ICU like it's the Emergency Room. But then again, that seems to be interchangeable with Brooke Mac-El-Dee as well. Later, a cat motorboats Juliette's boobs. And in the end, no one really gives a shit about what happened to Elliott because they're too busy talking about Juliette's dress. Spoiler alert: She's the sexiest person in the ICU and she loves it!

Edda and Juliette mention Jean Harlow, Juliette promises to make Elliott "pop," Elliott chokes on his cough drop, and a doctor stares at Juliette's boobs are here.

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?

Inspired by the 4th of July (I guess), we go all the way back to the beginning and take a look at the very first Chickweed strips. Brooke Mac-El-Dee comes right out of the gate with Juliette talking with Edda about physical attractiveness and how that's very important to catch a man. Edda at this point is maybe 12, so this is a TOTALLY NORMAL AND APPROPRIATE conversation for a mother to have. But don't worry. Things get WAY MORE inappropriate pretty quickly. Isn't it comforting to know that this horrible comic strip was horrible in exactly the same ways from the beginning? Following up Juliette's lessons in female attractiveness, pre-teenage Edda already expresses what can only be described as Championship Level Body Dysmorphia. Classic Mac-El-Dee! There's a whole Sunday strip about a fly. Twelve-year-old Amos, who looks either drowned or electrocuted or both, spends an entire strip sniffing Edda...at her request of course. Sophia Loren's "bosom" is described as "proud." Edda shames her mother for not getting boned on a date. Then later the two of them celebrate Juliette finding her boyfriend's "button" and "pushing it." Which I suppose means she had sex. Edda encourages Amos to imagine random adults they're looking at naked. So that's totally cool also. And finally we spend about ten solid minutes trying to figure out what "I'll just serve you a colossal jong-jong" means.

Juliette teaches Edda about the necessity of being attractive and Edda expressing her complicated body dysmorphia ARE HERE.

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We could not resist the gravitational pull of the international cello competition that Amos won. You remember it, right? He and Edda got caught on camera (by a news balloon of course) having sex and then people complained that the sex tape (which everyone in the world saw) gave Amos an unfair advantage. So now we dive into the aftermath. It's 20 strips this episode, sorry guys! It's a re-match between Amos and Xiulan Yuan, and the competition will happen behind a screen and the contestants will have to switch cellos. Because of course both of those things make sense. For no good reason at all, other than Brooke McEldowney's hatred of women maybe, Edda hates Xiulan and decides to be a racist right to her face. It's fine (and funny?) I guess because Xiulan doesn't speak English. The competition happens, behind the screen, in front of an audience who paid good money to look at a screen on a stage. Instead of feeling ripped off, the audience hears Amos's cello playing and starts fucking basically. Just like always. Even people listening on a streaming broadcast end up fucking. Amos wins, of course, although he appears bored to be there for the entirety of the run. To cap it off, two nuns scissor from the joy of it. Pretty fucking typical for this comic strip.

Headlines explain the outrage, Juliette phones Edda in Brussels, and Amos switches cellos ARE HERE.

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Here we are introduced to 60-year-old Arthur Peel and his assistant Nan-Lin Peel (no relation), who is thirty years younger than him. Arthur excuses himself for being a disgusting old man, with a balding head, hair coming out of his ears and nose and eyebrows, wattles, and flapping flesh. These are his descriptions of himself, although Brooke Mac-El-Dee doesn't take the time to actually draw him that way. He is balding, but he has thin, very well groomed eyebrows, no visible wattles and few wrinkles to speak of. He repeats this stuff over and over to Nan-Lin, who seems bored and beaten down by his monologue. (You and us both, sister!) Of course, when Arthur adds that he is in love with her, this changes everything for Nan-Lin, who then literally crawls across a table to kiss him. Arthur, in typical Chickweed style, doesn't understand what's happening or that Nan-Lin wants his wrinkly and flapping Johnson. He looks terrified and concerned for all fourteen (yeah, sorry) of these strips. She even gets up on the table and presents her beave to him. Still, he doesn't fucking understand what's going on. Because...it's funny, I guess? Anyway, she eventually slides into his lap and then they disappear under the table. At this point, we discover that they are in a restaurant. The waiter arrives and is unfazed by their near-fucking in the booth. So much so, he takes their order, and then seats two other guests across from them. These guests, Seth and his boyfriend, don't notice that there's a couple moments away from intercourse across the booth from them. And they begin to make out too. At this point, both couples notice each other. Embarrassed (?) Arthur and Nan-Lin bolt from the restaurant, but not before Arthur gives the waiter a huge tip. The waiter then claims he's in love. Which must be a joke, but isn't funny really. And also makes no sense in any context provided. But what the fuck were we expecting anyway, right?

Arthur talks about his wattles and flapping flesh, Arthur talks about his wattles and flapping flesh AGAIN, and Arthur talks about his wattles but NOT his flapping flesh ARE HERE.

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?

In this episode, we dive into Amos's subconscious, which is predictably icky. Amos describes a dream he had the previous night. He headlines it as a dream where Edda went to buy a car. But what the dream is really about is how the car salesman sexually assaulted her. So, at least we know where Amos's priorities lie. The Ol' Mac-El-Dee makes a big point of repeating (endlessly) that the salesman's name was "Wilkins or Fortescue," as if that is, by it's nature a very funny piece of business, which it is not. Also, and not for nothing, the salesman looks a lot, A LOT, like Amos. So I guess that's maybe the point? It's a rape fantasy that Amos is having? It's all filled with car-related double entendres, because of course it is. Edda assumes, from Amos's description that her dream self simply gave herself to the car salesman, which shows where her priorities lie, I guess. Amos spends most of the dream choosing tea at Zabar's. As if that's a great place to choose tea. But then he rushes in to save her. I mean, not "rushes in," per se. He had to choose his fucking tea first. But he enters the dealership and pushes the salesman "onto his beezer." Whatever the fuck that means. In the end, Edda gets turned on by Amos and, while they're walking down the street, throws her vagina at his face. Seriously. Wait till you see the picture. It's fucking ridiculous. Also impossible.

Wilkins or Fortescue descends on Edda and Amos chooses his tea at Zabar's are right here.

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Edda's modeling career begins when a scout for the famous designer Nicolette Cignet picks Edda from everyone else in her dance company because of her nice butt. Only, Brooke Mac-El-Dee never says "nice butt," he prefers to say "caboose" over and over and over, with a brief digression to "sitzfleisch" from Amos. The twist is that they only want Edda for her butt and they want Janice to be the face. So, even though it makes zero sense, they'll use both of them: Janice's face and Edda's butt. There is no exploration of whose midriff and boobs will make the cut. Which, frankly, is a little surprising. Edda is angry to find out she's Janice's butt double. But showbiz is showbiz, right? The lone photographer sent to shoot this very important ad campaign takes his photos. They are terrible. Along the way, we are subjected to "undie-carriage," "golden hind," "sealing the deal," and "licking their chops." It's super gross. Edda ends up angry about butts, which takes us back around to one of the Thanksgiving strips we looked at, and helps us put in context why Edda was so mad about people saying "butt" all around her.

Edda finds out the Nicolette Cignet people want to talk to her, Seth throws shade at Edda for it, and Seth goes out of his way to use "terpsichorean" are here.

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?

After Edda "cures" Amos's hiccups, he takes the stage, first without his cello (hilarious!) and then with it. His performance, which is of course watched via satellite by all of his family and friends, inspires so much passion, that Juliette fucks Elliott on the couch right next to Nan. It also inspires Isabel to have sex with her boyfriend and Seth to make up with Mark, who appears here as a doll or small child. Amos finishes his performance and everyone there loses their minds, throwing their programs in the air and then roses at Amos and Edda. Naturally, the judges unanimously award the grand prize to Amos, who honestly looks like he doesn't give a shit and would rather be anywhere else but there. The victory is short-lived because of the sex tape that everyone saw. You know, because that caused an unfair advantage. Amos asks for another juried performance and then fucks Edda at the press conference. And that's where we leave Brussels, because this just goes on and on and we've truly had enough. (Part 3 of 3)

Two Belgian perverts listen to Amos & Edda have sex, Amos & Edda finish having sex, Amos forgets his cello, then Amos forgets he's at a competition are here.

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?

The world watched Amos and Edda have sex, thanks to a Belgian breaking news balloon, the kind of balloon that floats through the city of Brussels, filled with at least 10 reporters looking for news stories. And part of how they look for news, we guess, is to peep through windows of buildings and film people without their permission. Seems totally cool. But maybe that's just how "European" they are, and we're all a bunch of American yahoos. Whatever the case, the video (or film as Brooke Mac-El-D prefers to call it) becomes a sensation on the internet. But before that, Juliette, Seth, and some lady named Isabel all see the video/film of Amos and Edda fucking on a piano in a rehearsal space, thanks to the peeping reporters on the news balloon that somehow hovered outside their window for the entirety of their tryst. Edda sees the video/film on her laptop, but keeps Amos from viewing it or even knowing about it. So he is pretty confused when they're on the streets of Brussels and everyone they pass, literally everyone, is craning their necks to look at them. And by craning their necks we mean turning their heads literally completely around. The venue is packed, not "standing room only" as one would normally say, but "crammed to the exit signs." Sure. Amos gets nervous, gets the hiccups, and Edda gives him a look that says, "let's fuck," even though he is five minutes from taking the stage. And that's where we end this episode. (Part 2 of 3)

Juliette picks up the satellite broadcast from Brussels, tells Edda about it, and Edda is pleased Isabel has seen it are here.

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?

Buckle up for another epic run of this guy's fucking garbage. We start looking at the story of Amos and Edda finally doing it in Brussels during a cello competition. It begins with Edda making a move on Amos which causes him to have the hiccups, which results in Amos wanting to go home. But Edda claims she has a cure, which is (of course) fucking. As soon as they've done the deed, Edda gets on the phone back home to tell her mom that, yes, she used the same "hiccup cure" that Juliette did when Juliette first humped Elliott. Because of COURSE the women had to be the instigators and the men had to be uncertain, terrified idiots about sex. Amos and Edda can't keep their hands off each other, which means that Amos pins Edda (very uncomfortably) against a piano. This embrace is viewed by a hot air balloon filled with tourists? Prisoners of war? News reporters? It is so very unclear who the people are and why they're in a hot air balloon floating through downtown Brussels. But why should anything ever make sense in this fucking strip? Why? (Part 1 of 3)

The ones where Edda comes on so strongly, Amos has hiccups, but she has a cure are here.

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?