A Lifetime of Hallmark

Les, Kurt, and Jason are officially in their tax season as it’s now officially holiday movie time! But first, find out if Blac Chyna and Derrick Milano are signing a prenup and what someone named Suckafreeze thinks about it! Then it’s time to talk about Netflix’s latest salvo in the holiday movie viewership wars, Hot Frosty. Starring Hallmark royalty Lacey Chabert and Dustin Milligan (Ted from Schitt’s Creek), this movie may be Lacy’s Monster’s Ball because of her character’s mess of a housee (though they guys MAY be thinking of Charlize Theron’s “Monster” instead for this analogy). With a supporting cast that includes Lauren Holly, Craig Robinson, and Joe Lo Truglio, and Crishell Stause, this movie is like Splash… but with medical records in Comic Sans.  

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Les, Kurt, and Jason decide to tackle a Lifetime classic, 1996’s Co-Ed Call Girl. While it didn’t originate on Lifetime (it first aired on CBS), it became associated with Lifetime as it went into heavy rotation as Lifetime leaned into movies about women in peril. Khloe Kardashian may be in peril after allegedly throwing shade at Blac Chyna! Then, it’s time for the guys to give Tori Spelling a ring cuz they’re looking for a Co-Ed Call Girl! The guys are quite concerned about this escort service’s business model (especially when it comes to spending one’s money on a pricey scarf that your mom will wear as she plays the cello for your prostitution clients! But even more pressing matters are at hand including the question of whether Leonard Bernstein was a bossy bottom and the eventual weekly procedural based on this movie called Dr. Call Girl. 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason were all prepared for a guest that had to cancel, but that’s not gonna stop them from watching a movie that, based on its title, should be a lighthearted romp set at Halloween! But first, Les suggests people will be dressing as the Menendez Brothers this year, Jason wonders aloud if they have all officially reached “CBS Median Viewership Age,” and Kurt has some big news a bout Blac Chyna! Then, it’s time to go incognito by dressing in all black with the exception of a very bright red face mask (all the kids are doing it right now) for Lifetime’s 2023 Movie “Look Who’s Stalking.” The title was originally titled “Haunted by My Stalker” and frankly more descriptive of the movie rather than the final title which invoke the potential that Danny Devito may be providing a voice. So gather around the easily-exhumed body with your tuna casserole, we’re about to answer all of these unknown calls together. 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason are so excited to dig into a movie for Peacock! But first, the guys breakdown the Abe Lincoln documentary Lover of men, and find out that Les is friends with the guy that portrayed Abe in the reenactments. Then, in Blac Chyna news, the story about Twin Hector getting beat up gets (as Jason predicted) more violent and weird as Tokyo Toni wants the credit for it! Then they guys dig into Peacock’s A Nanny to Die for. This movie may have been released on Peacock, but it was made by the longtime Lifetime stalwarts at Hybrid, and it has many of the same Hallmarks (pun intended): multiple murders, a cold open, a psycho with a traumatic childhood, and just a hint of gaslighting! Get ready to go down rabbit holes (or is it’s sea holes? Or C-holes) about Caryn Richman, Hart to Hart, and Murray Langston! 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered much like a bunch of leaves that have been raked into a pile against their will. But at least Kurt has Blac Chyna news that could follow a similar long-tail trajectory as past news stories about her making violent claims. Then, ready or not, the guys leave no leaf unturned as they dissect Hallmark’s Falling Together. Kurt has a pretty wild and prescient theory about the male lead, and that triggers a companion theory about the female lead (and movie at large) that involves a lot of gay coding, a whole lot of pie, and a whole huge heaping pile of cocaine. But an increased coke budget just comes with the territory of a new job that isn’t in Miami but that you have shown up for 6 weeks early. Open up your veiny eyes to watch this movie, unless you’re getting Mama’s Familied while you listen. 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason may have found the perfect movie to suit their collective sensibilities, 2015’s A Deadly Adoption. Part true-to-form Lifetime movie, part inside joke (that not everybody was in on), part dramatic showcase for Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, Ferrell’s passion project written by Harper Steele gets a look from the guys in light of his and Steele’s current spectacular and very moving Netflix documentary Will & Harper. Blac Chyna is also moving people to tears with her heartfelt conversation with daughter Dream about her appearance insecurity. But Will & Harper & Blac Chyna have nothing on the emotional rollercoaster of A Deadly Adoption’s wild tale about a financial author-lothario, his neglected wife, their moronic daughter with diabetes named after the pilot who landed on the Hudson, the woman they welcome into their lives in hopes of having another baby. 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with a packed show! There’s Blac Chyna’s pivot to fitness! There’s Eric Roberts (past) smack talk about Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias. There’s a Candace Cameron Bure sighting! There’s Matlock, with a (big) twist! There’s an Oscar winner being confused for a high profile prostitute! There’s improv class driving! There’s surge pricing to get to an attempted murder scene! There’s Vicki Lawrence becoming Ryan Murphy’s new Sarah Paulson! There’s people being conceived to Mama’s Family and LMFAO’s Shots! And, most critically, you may now use the phrase “Mama’s Family-ed” as a verb   for having sex. 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason had to pick a movie that Les could access in Canada since he’s still in Vancouver, so they decided to watch the lone Stalked by My Doctor movie they haven’t seen, 2019’s Stalked by My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare! But first, Les and Kurt know someone that used to work in the Hallmark world and he may soon be a guest on the podcast! Plus, Eric Roberts just appeared on Marc Maron’s podcast, so the guys think they may have a shot at their white whale! And, this episode features both a Blac Chyna report AND and a special Abe Lincoln report since Kurt just found out that Abe may have been gay! Then, they guys delightfully dig into another gem from the Stalked by My Doctor cinematic universe that doesn’t just feature Eric Roberts as Dr. Albert Beck, but also the return of the very Jimmy Buffet-esque voice in his head (complete with a new array of Hawaiian shirts and tropical cocktail glasses). Eric Roberts really hit the jackpot with this movie: he got paid wardrobe bumps for bringing his own clothes (including a tuxedo bump!), it features a pre-stardom Matt Rife bringing newfound attention to the movie, AND Eric gets to use a drinking glass and a soap dispenser to simulate humping! 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited that Les is currently in the homeland of all things Hallmark, Vancouver, Canada as they convene to talk about the baphomet tattoo Blac Chyna is having removed. Even with its striking imagery, though, this tattoo has nothin’ on the badasserey of Aunt Gert, the sitcom Kathy Bates helping to make Hallmark’s Magic Lemon Drops even more fun. Did Hallmark low-key make a movie that revolves around people doing psychedelics? Probably! Is there a diner called Eatery? Definitely! Gert may not be the heroine of the movie (not heroin, though maybe), but in a movie where obvious junk mail is mistaken for tax bills where people refuse to bring their foster dog to a sex dungeon, she certainly is the character you expect to help pound out the schnitzel. 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to attend A Costa Rican Wedding, a Hallmark movie that somehow seems to ruin the concept of hot shirtless guys on screen (at least for a moment). But first, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news, despite being 2 months old, manages to deliver a piece of info we’ve never heard mentioned in the Blac Chyna Report: Tyra’s real name! After the guys price out the salon menu for Hearts Pure by Angela White, then they head to the jungle for Hallmark’s latest wedding-themed movie. Though the setting is intriguing, there’s too much emphasis on wackiness (monkeys stealing wedding rings) and almost no emphasis on making any of these people likable humans (Kurt’s favorite Sean Penn soundbite gets a lot of use in this episode). 

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