A Lifetime of Hallmark

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with a packed show! There’s Blac Chyna’s pivot to fitness! There’s Eric Roberts (past) smack talk about Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias. There’s a Candace Cameron Bure sighting! There’s Matlock, with a (big) twist! There’s an Oscar winner being confused for a high profile prostitute! There’s improv class driving! There’s surge pricing to get to an attempted murder scene! There’s Vicki Lawrence becoming Ryan Murphy’s new Sarah Paulson! There’s people being conceived to Mama’s Family and LMFAO’s Shots! And, most critically, you may now use the phrase “Mama’s Family-ed” as a verb   for having sex. 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason had to pick a movie that Les could access in Canada since he’s still in Vancouver, so they decided to watch the lone Stalked by My Doctor movie they haven’t seen, 2019’s Stalked by My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare! But first, Les and Kurt know someone that used to work in the Hallmark world and he may soon be a guest on the podcast! Plus, Eric Roberts just appeared on Marc Maron’s podcast, so the guys think they may have a shot at their white whale! And, this episode features both a Blac Chyna report AND and a special Abe Lincoln report since Kurt just found out that Abe may have been gay! Then, they guys delightfully dig into another gem from the Stalked by My Doctor cinematic universe that doesn’t just feature Eric Roberts as Dr. Albert Beck, but also the return of the very Jimmy Buffet-esque voice in his head (complete with a new array of Hawaiian shirts and tropical cocktail glasses). Eric Roberts really hit the jackpot with this movie: he got paid wardrobe bumps for bringing his own clothes (including a tuxedo bump!), it features a pre-stardom Matt Rife bringing newfound attention to the movie, AND Eric gets to use a drinking glass and a soap dispenser to simulate humping! 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited that Les is currently in the homeland of all things Hallmark, Vancouver, Canada as they convene to talk about the baphomet tattoo Blac Chyna is having removed. Even with its striking imagery, though, this tattoo has nothin’ on the badasserey of Aunt Gert, the sitcom Kathy Bates helping to make Hallmark’s Magic Lemon Drops even more fun. Did Hallmark low-key make a movie that revolves around people doing psychedelics? Probably! Is there a diner called Eatery? Definitely! Gert may not be the heroine of the movie (not heroin, though maybe), but in a movie where obvious junk mail is mistaken for tax bills where people refuse to bring their foster dog to a sex dungeon, she certainly is the character you expect to help pound out the schnitzel. 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to attend A Costa Rican Wedding, a Hallmark movie that somehow seems to ruin the concept of hot shirtless guys on screen (at least for a moment). But first, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news, despite being 2 months old, manages to deliver a piece of info we’ve never heard mentioned in the Blac Chyna Report: Tyra’s real name! After the guys price out the salon menu for Hearts Pure by Angela White, then they head to the jungle for Hallmark’s latest wedding-themed movie. Though the setting is intriguing, there’s too much emphasis on wackiness (monkeys stealing wedding rings) and almost no emphasis on making any of these people likable humans (Kurt’s favorite Sean Penn soundbite gets a lot of use in this episode). 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome a very special guest in Tarot Specialist and Paranormal investigator Ken Boggle (@kenboggle) from Hulu’s Living for the Dead to discuss this week’s Lifetime movie, Miss Cleo: Her Rise and Fall. Ken gets recognized by both both the living and the dead, but Blac Chyna doesn’t even recognize herself, what with the filler blindness and all. Then the guys are ready to dig into the rise and fall of Miss Cleo. Imagine an alternate universe where Tyler Perry creation Madea becomes the face of a psychic hotline instead of Youree Dell Harris’ Miss Cleo! Or stay in the current universe where you can get schooled in Tarot by a Jamaican Nun just like everyone else! Let’s bask in the revelation that unemployment was down during the time Miss Cleo was handing out device, and never ever address the fact that Miss Cleo came out later in life.

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Les, Kurt, and Jason revisit their 2020 episode where Kurt and Jason realize Les knows Melissa McCarthy but hasn't booked her on the podcast yet! She seems like she'd enjoy Hallmark's One Royal Holiday which features a prince with Covid hair, a bed and breakfast superdome, and a pretty passive aggressive attitude towards ghost writers. 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason are experiencing a Brat summer, just like the twinks working at Disneyland. Jason’s Disneyland adventure also featured many spotting of Mickey ears that looked like donuts and the realization that Winnie the Pooh is part of the LGBTQ community (because Winnie, like many, is a pantsless bear). Then after Blac Chyna Report, it’s time to get into a movie co-starring Blac Chyna: Lifetime’s I Thought My Husband’s Wife was Dead. Even though her presence wasn’t felt enough to help the movie make any sense, the movie did feature lots of Canadians from the Park Ranger school doing bad southern accents, a local therapist whose client list was comprised of everyone in this movie, and concept of a nap dress. 

Also: Kurt is running in a 5K! If you’d like to read more about the cause and donate to Kurt and the other participants, please visit danmellebyfoundation.org

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Les, Kurt, and Jason hop on the pole and head back to their 2019 episode about Lifetime's Psycho Stripper, a movie that prompted Jason to go on a rather epic rant about... cake boxes. With hot shirtless murderous men, characters killed off that we didn't even know were characters in the movie to begin with, and separate straight male characters that scream "Yaaaaassssssss" and wear mesh crop tops, this movie has EVERYTHING. 

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Les, Kurt, and Jason have assembled to dissect Hallmark’s rather weighty 

Movie A World Christmas Record. But first, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news lets Les know that Blac Chyna is set to appear in the movie he picked for next week, Lifetime’s I Thought My Husband’s Wife Was Dead. The biggest relevation of this episode of the podcast comes when Kurt reveals that he knows someone who knows THE PARK RANGER! And Kurt knows someone in this week’s movie, though it’s not the Sixth Spice Girl (a reference Jason and Les don’t get because they’ve never seen Spice World!) Hallmark covers lots of new territory with this movie (Autism! Deadbeat dads! Sexless marriage! Lying by Omission), but none of that matters as much as building a the world’s biggest Jenga (which should have been the world’s largest Christmas Tree made of books). Crank up your favorite Oran “Juice” Jones or Spin Doctors CD and get ready for a massage, with boundaries!

Also: Kurt is running in a 5K! If you’d like to read more about the cause and donate to Kurt and the other participants, please visit danmellebyfoundation.org

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Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark's Edge of the Garden that may be about ghosts. Or time travel. Or parallel universes. Or eternal love. Or about taking what little bit of joy you have left in your life and squeezing it out of you as you watch this movie. 

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