A Thousand Tiny Steps

In step twelve, it's time to pass on my teachings to others to help them in recovery. It is about living AA as a lifestyle, going through the steps again and again, while sharing wisdom and expecting nothing in return. In this episode, I dive into where addiction can stem from and contemplate taking the path that I fear in life.

Key Takeaways:

[2:26] Step twelve of AA

[6:10] Kenny, household chores, and childcare frustrate me

[12:03] You do the 12 steps several times, it's a way of life

[14:23] You need to share the information you learned from AA and live it

[21:16] You don't promote AA, it's anonymous

[24:48] If all you do is inhale and not exhale, you're not helping others

[28:00] Lecturing, demanding, and promoting don't work in AA

[31:54] Being free from religious indoctrination

[34:05] Alcoholism and drug abuse isn't a morale failure

[35:44] I've given up on love, I have all that I need now

[38:09] Addiction stems from a lack of love and intimacy

[42:02] We all worship false gods

[43:15] Taking the path that you feel is scary

[45:21] Sharing wisdom with no expectation of another person's change

[46:35] My experience is not about telling other people what to do

[48:55] I appreciate the good experiences, so I can manage the bad

[50:15] I have pulled back from people since Molly's death

[53:05] You can now officially breathe and getting back to AA meetings

[55:14] Tradition twelve

Resources:

• Breathing Underwater

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The Molly B Foundation

Step eleven of AA is not about praying for anything to be fixed, it's about praying for self knowledge and the qualities we need to execute that knowledge. It's about perhaps changing the way we pray, how we view God's will, and just taking the time to contemplate your life even if you don't believe in God.

Key Takeaways:

[3:52] Step eleven of AA

[7:56] A calculating mind vs a contemplative mind

[9:04] The five big human issues

[11:46] Going to church as a child and Western bias

[15:24] Praying not for an internal desire, but as an order from religion

[18:53] Letting go of what I think is right and what I think I need to do

[19:48] Who is doing the praying? How are you praying?

[21:17] I have to stop being an 'all or nothing' thinker

[22:44] Prayer requires you to see your inner self and stop battling it so much

[27:31] There's no preaching that every person needs AA

[30:46] Finding something bigger than yourself and contemplating

[34:35] Why I changed the way I pray

[36:36] Praying didn't get me what I want

[38:32] My favorite Baha'i prayer

[42:33] My understanding of God has changed

[44:06] You can't say what God's will is

[47:24] Traditions nine, ten, and eleven

Resources:

• Breathing Underwater

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The Molly B Foundation

In step ten of AA it's all about taking a personal inventory and admitting when you're wrong about things. It is about being aware of your choices, analyzing them, and trying to reconnect with yourself. In this episode, I explore the negative connotations I have with certain words and myself.

Key Takeaways:

[2:21] Step ten of AA

[4:26] An examination of consciousness and stepping back from myself

[12:03] Being aware and praying for detachment

[13:40] Instead of trying to save your soul, teach it to communicate

[15:00] Trusting your instinct and the Holy Spirit

[19:41] Needing to reconnect and being a child of God

[21:44] Making a personal inventory and analyzing emotions

[27:13] Consumerism is addiction

[28:25] I have negative feelings about the word obey

[29:57] Becoming devoted to the idea of life after death

[31:02] I have a negative connotation with myself for a lot of things

[32:43] I don't see myself as a child of God most of the time

[33:39] I'm quick to admit I'm wrong, even if I'm not

[36:53] Trying to find a morning routine

Resources:

• Breathing Underwater

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The Molly B Foundation

Step nine is all about the act of making amends and a list to go alongside it. It's made me consider what truth really means, how context plays a part, and how communication can be ruptured if not done correctly.

Key Takeaways:

[2:50] Step nine of AA

[5:37] Defining wisdom

[8:31] Making amends

[11:12] The different levels of truth, context, and meaning

[17:58] Sincere people can still make rash judgements

[19:12] COVID disrupted proper communication

[22:14] Having my apology rejected, waiting for the right time

[25:49] The mentors I've had in life

[29:51] Gossiping and saturated social media

[33:31] Respecting people's privacy while still telling my truth

[36:56] Making my amends list

Resources:

• Breathing Underwater

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The Molly B Foundation

Step eight of AA is all about making a list of people I've hurt and finding ways to make amends with them. The difficulty is that making amends with people looks different for every person I hurt. This is a process that can take months or years and may not give you the results you want, but it's part of the process.

Key Takeaways:

[2:31] Step eight of AA

[4:46] Making amends with people is different than just apologizing

[7:06] Some of the people I've made amends to

[8:10] You can't skip over the basics when you're doing something complex

[10:57] What if a bond is unrepairable or an amend impossible to make?

[13:01] AA works because people show up years and years after becoming sober

[15:13] I think Kenny is too forgiving

[16:13] What non violent communication is all about

[19:55] The addict has to work on themselves

[22:13] Liberal vs conservative thinking, horizontal and vertical thinking

[25:52] You can't just make an apology to make yourself feel better

[30:07] How I make amends

[32:22] I've been hurt and people haven't apologized

[33:24] Listening to both sides of peoples experiences

[34:26] I'm great at self blame

[35:50] I hold onto anger from being lied to

[36:28] It's not easier for me to forgive anybody

[37:27] This step can take months to do

[39:37] Traditions seven and eight

Resources:

• Breathing Underwater

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The Molly B Foundation

Step seven has taught me a lot about putting my ego aside, living in gratitude, and focusing on the good in life instead of all the bad. It has shown me that even if you don't drink alcohol anymore, you still have to change your mindset, otherwise have you truly changed?

Key Takeaways:

[1:56] Why I've been frustrated

[3:16] Step seven of AA

[7:21] Are we supposed to talk God into things?

[10:05] The death of a relationship and entitlement

[13:36] Putting your ego aside and being open

[17:34] Being admonished for praying for certain things

[20:10] You give up alcohol, but don't change your mindset

[24:30] Life is a gift and living every day in gratitude

[26:54] The answers are right in front of you, but you often don't see it

[30:06] I consider prayer as a conversation with God

[31:32] My entitlement from not feeling recognized

[33:55] My prayers haven't been answered

[35:36] I'm constantly changing my schedule to accommodate others

[39:21] I've been angry for years and not following through

[40:58] I have been finding more gratitude in my life

[42:41] What I desire in life

[43:47] Focus on what's going right, not wrong

[46:14] I'm trying to build structure for myself

[47:26] Sign up for my newsletter which connects to the podcast

Resources:

• Breathing Underwater

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The Molly B Foundation

As I take a breather in between steps I realize that I don't have to worry so much when things don't go to plan. That I can view my life in gratitude and not an obligation that drags me down. In this episode, I go through everything I've learned through the steps.

Key Takeaways:

[1:10] The one lesson I've learned

[1:48] I can't control everything and having gratitude

[5:24] Going through the steps

[8:29] I've reconnected with music and I'm trying with scripture

[12:56] Trying to fix things stems from an abusive background

[16:28] I had to rearrange my entire day, but I'm not worrying about it

[19:40] Service in gratitude, not obligation

Resources:

• Breathing Underwater

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The Molly B Foundation

In this week's episode, I take a dive into step six: acknowledgement, taking responsibility, surrendering, and letting go of your ego. It made me think of my flaws, how I over apologize, and how I need to let my flaws flow through me.

Key Takeaways:

[3:53] Step six of AA

[8:19] I always want to try to fix things

[10:45] Grace or responsibility: which comes first?

[14:27] Every day is a new day to rise and self punishment

[16:35] Accountability and giving it over to god

[21:41] All or nothing thinking

[23:43] Step six is about acknowledgement

[25:36] Having panic about not fixing things

[30:21] You need to put in work to transform as a person

[33:10] Letting go of your ego and deficits of character

[36:09] You have to both surrender and take responsibility

[39:27] I own my mistakes, but I lack self worth and have trouble giving over control

[42:19] I don't wait I jump into things

[43:47] I'm trying to float in the beautiful stream that is my flaws

[45:32] Living in a spirit of gratitude and how I do prayers

Resources:

• Breathing Underwater

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The Molly B Foundation

This week I face my past actions, the friends that have stood by me, and the differences in religion. I look at retributive vs restorative justice and which one can help people that are struggling, as well as how my religion doesn't support confession.

Key Takeaways:

[1:10] Step five feels like confession

[5:11] Retributive vs restorative justice

[13:26] Trying to change yourself to heal yourself doesn't work well

[18:13] Peer accountability and personal responsibility

[21:27] Forgiving myself and others

[24:03] The personal failure that I find hard to acknowledge

[26:38] The people that love me in spite of my actions

[30:54] My religion doesn't support confession

[33:23] I had a skewed perspective on forgiveness and acceptance

[34:50] The people I talk to my issues in life to

Resources:

• Breathing Underwater

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The Molly B Foundation

This episode caused me to look at my moral inventory, what I carry with me, and what I'm learning to let go. It's made me question my childhood and how that impacts my life today as well as using failure in my life as an excuse not to move forward with things.

Key Takeaways:

[4:02] Nothing annoys me more than people believing lies about me

[6:54] Step four of AA

[12:14] Life begins with transgression

[17:20] Acknowledging that you've made mistakes in life

[22:51] Shadow boxing: fighting an invisible opponent and living in denial

[32:15] This is what step four is all about

[33:30] Praying for patience again and again

[36:49] My fear of being honest with myself

[38:36] Using weakness and failure in my life as an excuse not to move forward

[40:36] Focusing less on sin and more on wisdom of the struggle

[42:32] I get defensive when I feel I've been wronged

[44:17] Not being able to admit my inner failure at first

[46:27] Always looking for an escape in my life

[49:14] I blame my lack of success on Kenny

[50:12] How my childhood impacts how I treat people

[53:54] Making myself less afraid of admitting weakness

Resources:

• Breathing Underwater

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation