A Thousand Tiny Steps

When I was younger, New Year's Eve was a time to play outside and eat a lot with friends. As I grew older, it was a holiday synonymous with alcohol. My friends and I would go to parties, stay up all night, and get blackout drunk. When I became a mom that all changed: it became a pretty sober event, spending time with kids, and making a bonfire. After Molly died we stopped celebrating and now that I have Jack we will have to decide what new traditions we want to create.

Key Takeaways:

[1:47] Finding patterns in time

[2:47] Time stopped when Molly died

[4:11] Beginning anew in 2023

[5:36] How I spent New Year's Eve as a child

[7:47] Playing outside a ton of New Year's Eve

[9:07] Getting drunk in high school

[10:23] Staying up all night partying in college

[12:58] Running and getting drunk with my Nike friends

[14:36] Having New Year's Eve's that didn't involve alcohol

[15:21] My friend died on New Year's Eve

[17:10] Going to a party and getting drunk with Kenny

[18:16] Making a choice to not go out and party with Kenny

[19:15] Not celebrating the holiday after Molly died

[22:40] Doing a campfire for our children when they were little

[23:34] What Season 7 will be about

Resources:

• Groundhog's Day
• New Year's Eve Movie

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The Molly B Foundation

The holidays are time markers and they remind me of what I've lost. They also remind me of all the expectations society has around holidays and the hypocrisy of it all. After losing Molly it was too difficult to celebrate the holidays. Now that I have Jack we have begun to create new traditions and try to do "normal" holidays again. I am focusing on celebrating the holidays the way I want to and not catering to society's expectations.

Key Takeaways:

[2:53] My initial relationship to grief

[4:39] Arguing with Kenny about drinking

[5:43] Trying to improve and grow as a person

[8:34] Faking that everything was fine around the holidays as a child

[12:13] Not celebrating Christmas as a Bahai

[13:06] Traditions I had with Kenny and my daughters

[14:06] Stopping celebrating holidays when Molly died, but starting again

[17:04] How our traditions are changing with Jack

[21:39] Holidays show how hypocritical people are

[25:06] Finding joy in tragedy and people being uncomfortable with feelings

[27:07] Feeling forced into traditions

[28:14] Giving away a MollyB basket for the holidays

[29:03] Feeling like a child and being stuck in the past

[30:39] Struggling with disenfranchised grief

Resources:

• Prince of Tides
• Sad Book

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The Molly B Foundation

Sexual abuse has impacted me in many ways: issues with overgiving, boundaries, people pleasing, shame, and intimacy have followed me in my life. I have suffered in physical pain to ignore emotional discomfort with these emotions. This has shown me that I need to confront these feelings and work through the trauma that sexual abuse has left me with.

Key Takeaways:

[3:33] Having issues with overgiving

[6:05] Being anxious and overbearing

[7:32] Feeling on the outskirts of my friend group

[9:22] Finding safety in my friendships

[14:31] Being too trusting in friendships, but struggling to maintain relationships

[15:21] Accepting the wrong people in my life and being a people pleaser

[16:24] Feeling like I need to help people even when it burns me

[17:19] Constantly feeling shame around my choices

[19:55] Oversharing and boundaries

[20:55] Intimacy is difficult after my daughter's death

[24:45] The toxic shame is not mine to carry

[26:53] People in my life that were supportive of me

[32:48] Being emotionally isolated and making peace in my life

[35:24] Making new friends

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The Molly B Foundation

I really, really struggle with self sabotage in every aspect of my life. From relationships, to not following through on things, to recreating trauma. It is an endless battle. I am working to better myself by being introspective and examining why I constantly sabotage myself and what I can do to work on it.

Key Takeaways:

[1:35] Self sabotage and regret in my life

[4:09] Physical and emotional stress can make us stronger

[6:02] Self sabotaging in an effort to protect myself

[9:48] Sabotaging myself to create familiarity and safety

[11:05] Drinking to fit in

[13:36] Not having a good diet, but exercising

[14:53] Teaching even though coaching lite me up

[17:17] Having this idea off what I'm supposed to be

[18:09] Sabotaging relationships, finding safety in people, and escaping

[20:36] Not following through on things

[23:13] Hanging on to past relationships

[25:47] Reasons for sabotage

[27:38] I hate being wrongly accused

[29:24] Being in a state of denial and working to better myself

[30:41] Recreating trauma and the battle of the brain

[31:59] Contemplating why I live my life the way I do

[35:37] Thinking about what needs to change in my life

[38:23] Checking up on past relationships

[42:11] Trying to better myself and my business

[44:50] Staying in Concord even though I complain about it

[47:21] The struggle with social media

Resources:

• The Mountain is You
• The Body Keeps the Score
• POWER Book

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The Molly B Foundation

After my daughter's death I began to truly feel my age sink in. I gained weight, had trauma induced menopause, and body dysmorphia. I struggled and not only lost my daughter, but lost many people I cared for in life. Nothing was the same and trying to find a way to heal myself is an ongoing journey.

Key Takeaways:

[2:14] Feeling old after Molly's death

[4:04] Losing everything, not just Molly and gaining weight

[6:27] Trauma induced menopause and body dysmorphia

[10:04] Having a physical response to death

[15:28] Using exercise to connect with the people I've dated

[17:50] Raising my kids to be athletic

[18:38] Hating my body growing up

[22:17] How cognitive behavioral therapy can help

[23:37] Finding a positive aspect to associate with my identity

[24:25] Sexual assault victims have the responsibility to not make others uncomfortable

[26:50] Being told to keep secrets

[28:02] Being disconnected to my body

[29:47] Other peoples crushing expectations

[33:27] Looking at how somatic healing can help my life

[35:31] Finding ways that make you happy as a whole

Resources:

• Florence Holway Story

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The Molly B Foundation

Intergenerational trauma is something that has plagued my family and I'm trying to change it, but it feels like a burden to bear. Growing up, having to keep secrets and not having my basic needs met has made me evaluate how that's impacted my parenting today. I have many things to work through with many different types of therapies at my disposal, but it will take time to wade through this generational trauma.

Key Takeaways:

[1:22] Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

[6:36] Physical safety in the hierarchy

[7:33] My emotional needs and trauma bonding

[8:19] Analyzing my past self and generational trauma

[14:13] Growing up the message was that women were less than men

[17:36] Hyper independence and people pleasing

[22:27] Having to keep secrets as a child was damaging

[25:00] Love and abuse in the family

[27:09] Passing on trauma to my children: nature or nurture?

[31:25] Giving our children what we didn't have growing up

[32:40] How grief impacted my parenting

[34:57] Having issues with boundaries, hypervigilance, and intrusive thoughts

[36:29] I'm working to heal intergenerational trauma

[38:00] Medical side of psychology

[38:55] EMDR and how it helped me

[40:13] Somatic healing: how the mind and body connect

[44:09] Trauma causes growth

[44:38] People tell me I'm too honest about my story

[45:56] The process of wading through trauma

Resources:

• It Didn't Start with You

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The Molly B Foundation

I was sexually abused as a child and it still impacts me at almost 60 years old. It took me a long time to be able to tell this story and to look back at the psychological impact that these terrible experiences had on me. It was a confusing time where I lost so much of myself, but telling this story has been cathartic. If you need help there are resources below.

Key Takeaways:

[2:45] My mom was a stay at home mother and my dad worked a lot

[4:20] First instance of sexual abuse

[6:46] It happening again and feeling terrible for not saying anything

[9:40] First physical incident and the fear it created in me

[14:28] Being abused constantly in 5th grade

[18:04] Setting fire to my clothing

[19:07] My social life began to tank in 5th grade

[21:30] Being aware of my sexuality

[23:35] Being abused again, but having a better understanding

[25:07] Going to the ER for asthma and feeling safe in the hospital

[26:32] Being abused in 6th grade and hypervigilance

[28:59] Having to get my siblings ready in the morning

[31:08] Beginning to understand the full scope of sexual abuse

[33:16] The last abuse attempt and telling my mom

[35:23] Looking back on the psychological changes in me

[37:41] Family history of abuse and generational trauma

[39:41] Struggling with sleeping with a lot of people in my early twenties

[42:54] Isolating myself, depression, and exhaustion

[45:14] Reexperiencing trauma and hypervigilance

[47:14] Parental support helped save me

[47:44] My response to sexual abuse

[50:41] How being abused affected my parenting

[52:33] Getting very sick in the hospital and not eating

[53:59] The good and the bad in my life

[56:18] Releasing these words is cathartic to me

[57:14] Victims are not at fault for being assaulted

[57:39] Losing parts of myself, but continuing to push forward

Resources:

• Twister Movie

• National Sexual Abuse Hotline

• National Domestic Abuse Hotline

• Helping Survivors

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The Molly B Foundation

Elementary school and the 60s feels like the last time I felt okay before I began 4th grade. My mom was a young mom, my dad worked all day, and I spent my summers outside at the public pool. When school was in session I dealt with sexist teachers and when I left for the day I went to church 3 times a week. In this episode, I dive deep into my generational identity and the calm before the storm.

Key Takeaways:

[2:15] I don't identify as a boomer and being born into a time of change

[3:56] My mom being a young mom and having a carefree childhood

[6:46] The TV shows I watched as a child

[8:11] Constantly playing outside with the neighborhood kids

[9:56] Household and school life growing up

[12:11] Not understanding Tom was my biological father yet

[13:24] The expectations of girls in school in the 60s

[15:26] Having an age gap between siblings and chaos

[16:38] Swimming at the pool all day

[18:55] Enjoying time with my grandparents

[20:58] Divorce and family transcending beyond blood

[24:25] Going to church every Sunday was a big part of my life

[26:56] Being very empathetic from a young age

[29:18] Getting in trouble for wearing pants to school

[31:08] Climbing the fire escape to leave school

[34:06] Becoming friends with Suzanne and joining church choir

[39:32] Trying to understand my mom and how my life went downhill

[41:42] Being so happy in third grade, but that changing in fourth grade

[43:23] Being overwhelmed by starting school in a new building

[44:36] Missing the first 2 weeks of school because I had the mumps

[45:46] People think I appear dumb and being people pleasing

[47:14] My relationship with my mom was wonderful

[51:48] The summer before 4th grade was the last summer I was okay

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The Molly B Foundation

Trying to find my way in the workplace was not an easy task for me. Dealing with coworkers and bosses who didn't like me while trying to manage my life behind the scenes made my head spin. In this episode, I discuss how trauma impacted my relationships with others and leaving my life in Boston behind.

Key Takeaways:

[1:58] Not getting along with a co-worker and finding a new job

[3:42] Special education and the labels we use

[5:13] Relationship struggles and trauma

[8:03] Still feeling like a child and not dealing well with authority

[17:10] Resigning from my teaching job and having medical problems

[22:47] Working for the Boston Bike Courier

[25:59] Hanging with my party friends again

[27:06] Envy at my friends with good families and being mad at mine

[30:40] The burden of keeping my biological father a secret

[33:32] Leaving my life in Boston behind and joining AA

[35:07] Getting drunk and waking up in a random apartment

[38:33] The scary abusive patterns in my life

Resources:

• Prince of Tides

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The Molly B Foundation

In the years of '86 and '87, it was a tumultuous time. I was blessed to go to 4 different countries and get my first teaching job, but I heavily struggled with drugs and alcohol. At the same time, I was in a relationship with a man twice my age and my friends were pulling away from me. In this episode, I explore being a functional alcoholic and the struggles I endured because of it.

Key Takeaways:

[4:21] Drinking and drugs, friends leaving me behind, and moving back home

[5:32] Working at a bar and drinking on my shift

[10:27] Moving in with Alyssa and working for a running magazine

[14:59] Continuing to make bad choices and my drinking and drug use getting worse

[16:52] Being bad at managing money and working just to pay the bills

[22:02] Applying and receiving a teaching position to get my life back on track

[23:07] Going to Switzerland and beginning a relationship with a man twice my age

[25:01] Not being a great teacher at a job that wasn't right for me

[26:56] Getting an assistant coaching job and getting into a car accident

[29:22] Moving in with Bob and having an abusive relationship

[31:39] Traveling, being a functioning alcoholic, and being successful

[32:47] The trip from hell: Hawaii

[36:01] Starting to understand what was going on in my life

[37:40] Transitions are difficult

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The Molly B Foundation