“I had been faithful and active all my life. I held callings, served a mission, was sealed in the temple and everything that was considered “on the path”.

Then, in the middle of a divorce at a young age (only 23), my husband shared his years of research against the church and I took in all of it in a few short months. Podcasts, videos, blogs, forums, articles, books, etc against the church, “proving” that the doctrine was completely false.

Pretty soon, not only had I announced to my family I was leaving the church, but I didn’t even believe in God at all anymore. Religion seemed silly and naive. Something made up by well-meaning people to help others navigate the difficulties of life. But the Mormon religion seemed especially repulsive. The church felt cultish and dark and I felt relief to know better and be free from it.

Then one afternoon, while thinking about my new life…the spirit led me to important questions. How would I explain to my children that our extended family was religious but we were not? If leaving the church means more money, more time on the weekends and less rules, am I taking an easier path?

Did I REALLY know for sure that God wasn’t real? Could I, with my limited understanding, so easily settle a matter that has been debated for centuries by the brightest minds in history? And then I thought, if it’s not real…then you just die and nothing matters. But what if it is? IF this is real…EVERYTHING matters. I won’t know for certain either way so maybe I need to give it a chance. I decided I needed more information so I could be certain.

So I searched MORE, asked MORE and Gods answers came. Slowly over the next two years I received line upon line and rebuilt my testimony like a convert learning these truths for the first time.

A mentor that knew of my struggles suggested that I read "The Crucible of Doubt" by the Givens. I read it all in one day and felt a flood of spiritual reassurance and power that I hadn't felt in a long time. I knew I was onto something.

So I started with the basics. If I want to know if God existed, maybe I should try praying to Him. If I want to learn about Christ, maybe I should read about Him. Read what He taught and said. I decided that I might never believe in God again fully or have a testimony like I once did but that I wanted to live my life as if it were ALL true. Just in case.

My first bishop back was a huge blessing. He assigned me to teach 4 year olds in primary. It was the ABSOLUTE perfect thing my fragile spirit needed. When I wanted to go to the temple, that bishop asked me all the questions.

In all of my answers I told him that I did not know. I was not sure about any of it, but that I wanted to learn and felt the temple could help me in some way.

He told me that there was no better place for me to learn and gave me a recommend. With each small and unsure step I took toward Him, God blessed me with just enough of the spirit's reassurance to take me onto the next step.

I studied and prayed. A lot. And I learned and learned and the spirit gave me such strong witnesses of the truths that I was slowly relearning.

I learned the pattern that we are always taught in the church but are too skeptical to take literally; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. It took two years for me to gain the conviction I had lost and much much more.”