Amplevoicepod

Clone Baldus: We have arrived. This is the Ratchly chemical factory. I will leave you now brother… Baldy: I am he. Clone Baldus: And I disappear… (Walking, approaching the factory) Foghornious: Human. Bert: Hagh? Is he talking to me? Who’s- Talking to me? Are you talkin’ to me? Hagh, who ya talkin’ to? Dickus: Calm down Bert, he’s only trying to make friends with ya. Foghornious: You are self-defeating; you act against each other’s interests, you compete viciously for limited resources. Bert: And that’s good do you think? I don’t know what to think. Do you know? Spikus: Uh-oooh… Dickus: What now Spikus, can’t you see we’re ahead for once? The resistance are no more. They’re on the run, half of them out of action and looks like they’ve lost their mutations. Spikus: Why? Dickus: Speaking of mutants, when will the Vat of Mutagen be up and running Bert? Farmers be wanting to spray the crops! Bert: The Neozine is mixed in now. Once pipes are open we can begin the first batch injection this time tomorra. Dickus: Excellento! Spikus: But look Dickus! Dickus: Wha? Lissen, it was nice knowing them like but a job’s a job Spikus! All we need now is to kill Busher, find the starchild I punched out of Baldy’s stomach and we’re set for home! Spikus: L-l-l-look! Dickus! Dickus: Home Spikus! What’s wrong witch-… oh- Baldy: I know all that is going to happen to me, so I ask of you; who is it you want? Dickus: Jesus Christ! Would you look who it is! Baldy: I am he. Who is it you want? Dickus: The wandering fool returns. Are you all right? What’s happened to your voice? Still a bit scrambled by the Slaggers? So, what have you got to report? Baldy: I told you that I am he. If you are looking for me, then let all you seek go. I have not lost one of those you gave me. Dickus: Is he making any sense? Bert: Do yis want anything from the canteen, it’s lunchtime now! Baldy: I have spoken openly to the world. I taught in the coffin shed, in a field. Not far from here, where all the human resistance come together. Dickus: Bidda lord, listen to that Spikus! You were right Baldus. You DID infiltrate the fuckers. How’d ya do it? Baldy: I said nothing in secret. Ask those who heard me. Surely they know what I said- (Slap in the face) Foghornious: Is this the way you answer the high commander? Baldy: If I said something wrong, testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did yis strike me? Dickus: I am little confused here now Baldus. You said you’d infiltrate the human resistance. What do they know? Can ‘Jagger’ still slow down time? Baldy: But I am not my brother’s keeper. I am the Starchild, Son of Baldy, who art my father in the heavens. (Phasers drawn) Dickus: What the fuck did you just say? Foghornious: Aroooooo! Opening Credits… An enthralling new ear-film audio adventure from the saintly sound designers at Amplevoicepod. PANSPERMIA II has our heroes Arlee, Jagger, Tucker and Busher escaping the Soupalon & their Savage Garden orb and have re-entered Earth, currently hiding out in Dessie Morgan’s pub on Ratchly town square. Deep breaths... The 'Son of Baldy' had been sent to guide our heroes but instead he has turned himself in to the Soupalon as an act of 'pure love' to save humanity. The Soupalon are confused by this behaviour. They had already engineered his body double, the one they called 'Baldus', to infiltrate the humans, by washing their feet inside the pub. So now, in the square outside the pub, Dickus Soupus, Soupalon High Commander, needs to make an example of the 'Son of Baldy' to show the humans that resistance is just not on. The sun is about to rise on the real Son of Baldy’s ultimate sacrifice. The only hope for our primitive band of humans is Imogen Telch, who wants to 'seed the world' with the power of the Meemong, calling upon these celestial beings to save Earth and destroy Soupalon. An intrinsically epic 4-part (total 96 minute) sci-fi monster showcasing the creative brain of Amplevoicepod. It's new, it's fresh, it's original. Take a chance, lie back and enjoy it. Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite 'Bod' but just as awesome.

Jagger, bound and gagged, is signed over by his father to Whitehaven Psychiatric. Out at the chemical factory, Arlee and Imogen seek answers. Arlee: Quiet now Imogen. This is the Ratchly Chemical Factory. And no offence, but if you only knew what went on here in the past, it’d piss all over your C.U.N.T. Imogen: What’s wrong with Countdown Underway New Tomorrow? The Meemong are part of us and I gave them to you. Arlee: You go into a trance though. You’re like an empty vessel. They fill your sparse mind! My mind has always been closed. I’m as ignorant as they come! But somehow things no-one should ever hear, I have heard, and things no-one should ever see- Imogen: have seen, yes, uh-huh, sorry but listen, Mr- Arlee: Arlee… Imogen: Mr Arlee, I have just seen a man’s moles move on his face and a man turn spit into plants. Maybe I am catching up? Arlee: It’ll be a while yet... Now you stay put. It could be dangerous. Everything looks different to the last time I was here. But one thing hasn’t changed… Dirty infestation! Imogen: Oh well, careful then Arlee. It could possibly kill you. Arlee: Great, thanks. You’re an asset to the team. Imogen: I’ll hide inside this pipe duct. Arlee: Good idea. Stay out of the way… Right, this is Arlee Davidson, Ratchly Radio’s best presenter… Ugh, I’m doing this for you… Lorna… and the future of humanity. Imogen: Who are you speaking to? Arlee: Fuck off… (Walks down steel walkway) Arlee: That looks like the foreman’s office. Careful now Arlee, stay far back out of harm’s way… like Charlie Bird reportin’ in a war… (Steam burst) Arlee: Ahh me eyes! Fuckin’ steam pipe. Who put that there! Ahh- (Foghornius foot slams down) Foghornius: Need a tissue? (Tissues plucked from a box) Arlee: Thanks yeah, do you know where I can fi-AARGHGHGH!! Foghornius: Arooooo! Arlee: Lilo! Lilo McGregor?! But, but you’re dead! Seventeen years ago I s-saw you die! Foghornius: Sensing digestive and cognitive overload. Arlee: Awww, me head, this isn’t… aw, voices, Lilo… you’re de- (Collapses) (Duct perspective) Imogen: (breathing) Foghornius: Cognitive functions… ceased. Narrator: Arlee breaks down at sight of his long-gone friend Lilo, in front of the hidden and frightened Imogen. (Dickus, Spikus and Bert run over) Dickus: What’s the commotion, my metal lord? Spikus: Oooh, it’s- it’s… Bert: Hagh, who’s this lad? Dickus: Would ya look who it is! Is he alive? Foghornius: Limited vital signs. Spikus: Wha-oohm, what do we do with him Dickus? Dickus: Well he’s as useless as you Spike! Dump him in the ditch. We don’t need this one. His mutation posed no danger. Where are the other revolters? Hang on, stop the lights! Didn’t our last Overlord Malthus Brindle get transmissions from ‘Jagger’? Something about him falling in the ‘Vat of Mutagen’ back in ’99? Got covered in our bio-chip formula… Spikus: Bio chips! Dickus: Opened up a channel didn’t he? Foghornious! Foghornius: The human’s signal is scrambled. It is this planet’s magnetic loop. Dickus: No, too much drugs probably. Stoned as usual, no wonder he could slow down time. Actually, maybe we did that, yunno, that time we kidnapped him and put him into the Perverter up on the Clinkership? Foghornius: It is this planet’s magnetic loop; too much interference when relaying in and out of the atmosphere to the Savage Garden. Dickus: Here, you’re showing off now! No-one likes a big-head. Spikus: Exactly! Dickus: Are you talking about me? Spikus: Ah, I said nothing as usual Dickus. Dickus: Right, we need to kidnap the ‘Tucker’. He’s got a super big brain, probably even more than Tonus. He grew an even bigger one on the Savage Garden… Just add it to the list- Bert: Hagh, ha-ha-aggh… Dickus: What’s wrong with you? Having a Heptikleptic fit? Bert: Hagh, ha-ha-aggh, hmm, did you say ‘Tucker’? Sure he turned up for work this mornin’! Said he had a contract with the plant. Former fuckin’ foreman Gerry Frehley signed it. Dickus: Hear that Spikus?! It just keeps getting better and better! Bert: He’s on the forks now out in the yard! Dickus: Don’t even have to hunt them down! (Yard atmosphere, forklift stops, jumps down) Tucker: Right (opens container), this looks a likely candidate. ‘Neozine… 1-Chloro-3-ethylamino-5-isopropylamino-2,4,6-triazineI’, ‘Atrazine…’ Is this that fackin’ poison? Gotta try and get a sample of each. Dickus: Before what? Tucker: Before I get see- aw faack! Foghornius: Do not move human. Tucker: Argh! Foghorn! You fell off Jagger’s denims into the mutagen! I saw you- Dickus: Die! Yes, yes, the other one said that too. Tucker: Who the fack Dickus, have- Foghornious: Organic waste will cease communication. Tucker: Alroight mate, get out of my face. Bert: Hagh, now, Tucker, I’m sorry but, going to have to dock something from your wages for this. Tucker: For wot? You can’t do that! Dickus: Oh we can, and we can do a lot better than that. Sorry lad. Spikus: Uh-oh, sorry Tucker… Tucker: Wot’s with all the apologies? You can let me go if you’re all that remorseful. Dickus: Yeah sorry Tucker, we have to kidnap you. Tucker: Wot and put me in the ‘Perverter’ and torture me too? Bad move. You all know what happened to Jagger. Dickus: Eh, no. Our human approach has thankfully progressed. Foghornious! Foghornious: Yes commander? Dickus: Seize his brain. (Foghornius foot slams down) Tucker: Oi! Get your metal mitts off me skull! (Whirring, sizzling, zapping, pumping) Bert: Urgh! HOH? What are yis doin’? Tucker: Mrrrnnngggh… Gurgle… urnf. Foghornius: Human brain activity uploaded. (Tucker collapses) Dickus: Exactly that. We’ve abducted Tucker’s overly large brain feed. Modern technology! All done in an instant. No waitin’, no mess. Anyway, enough bragging. That’s all we need of Mr Tucker. Dump him with the other lad. What’s left of them is no threat to us now. High five me Foghorn. Eh, no? Ok, fair enough… Bert: You’re going to leave them here? Sure then I may get on to the hospital. Foghornius: Neutralation advised. Orders given. Dickus: Calm down Foggy, I know the orders. Boghead said ‘wipe them out’. Tonus said ‘remove them’. Two of them here, wiped out and removed. I don’t have to neutralate them! Sure didn’t I expect to be neutralated and I was spared by the Boghead. That’s compassion! And I’m full of it! Spikus: I’m proud of you Dickus. Dickus: But that Busher one. He fuckin’ dies, with his moving moley face! Come on, we’ve work to be doin’. I need to take a look inside Tucker’s massive mind. Bert: Eh, you could have just asked him? Dickus: Ah the innocence. And you think he’d tell me the truth? Someone told me you humans have the most startling capability of self-delusion. Youse are not a rational species. You fuckers lie... Bert: Hagh? Dickus: Don’t look so shocked Bert, this is nartin’. I’ll take you on a tour of the Clinkership, wouldn’t that be nice? You can sit on Foghorious’s knees. Cheer you up no end! Foghornious: Overlord. Tucker brain analysis shows no heightened state, no above-average intelligence. He was a standard human. Dickus: What? But he had a big brain. I saw him use it! He was a mutant! How’d they pass the Savage Garden? Foghornious: Blank areas suggest highly evolved cerebral information but no trace now. Dickus: Ah bollocks! What’s goin’ on here? Right… Keep up the hunt, you Bert, come with me… (Walking into distance) (Imogen climbs out of the duct) Imogen: Oh Meemong! What have you done? You sent them to their dooms.. Oh my, they’re still breathing… Breathing. Good. Oh help me Meemong what do I do? Show me a sign! Tucker:  Gurgle gurgle… bokkle! Arlee: Urrrrr…shmgmggj…. Imogen: What do I do, what do I do? Narrator: Barely alive, used-up Tucker and broke-down Arlee need rescue by Imogen Telch. Meanwhile, fast approaching Ratchly main square is an angry Ginger and a starving Busher. Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Jamie and his Magic Torch but just as awesome.

The Radio is on but no-one is home in the 'Coffin Shed' as Dickus leads Foghornious and the assembled ‘Baldus’ to meet Bert Kavanagh at the Ratchly Chemical Factory. We move now to the far side of town. Busher and Tucker hunt down a woman. Tucker:  I didn’t think it was small. I just thought- uh, I don’t know what I thought. Busher:  I’m not a woman right?! I only have one ball. Makes no difference. Still normal… Tucker:  I know. But did you hear what the Doc said? Ovaries and eggs! Busher:  I don’t know what to think. Tucker:  You thought of hitting him pretty quick. Busher:  Phwwwizzz! Got him on the jaw! Mammaaae! (Click of a gun) Imogen: Don’t move. Tucker:  Ok, easy… Busher:  Peah! Imogen: Who are you? What do you want here? Tucker:  Eh well- Busher:  Listen right! We don’t have time! Doctor Don Dudern told us about a woman. Imogen Telch. We have to find her. It’s life or death!  Imogen: You know the truth? Busher:  Don’t shoot mae! Tucker:  I’m guessing you, are, Imogen Telch? Imogen: Yes I am and I am CUNT. Tucker:  You are a bit hostile but we’ll take it as an apology. Busher:  We need your help! Imogen: Well, I speak for C.U.N.T. Busher:  Hah? Imogen: Who are you? Tell me! (Clicking gun) Busher:  Aah! Imogen: What the hell is happening to your face? Tucker:  Is it the moles? Busher:  Me moles move! Imogen: Oh my! It has begun. Tucker:  Wot has? (De-cocks gun) Imogen: You had better come in. I interpret for the Meemong. Busher:  Meemong? Tucker: Hey? Wait- Busher: What’s that shite when it’s at home? (Door opens, footsteps) Tucker: I don’t know… Imogen: Sit down. They fight with an age old enemy from the stars… This enemy- Busher:  Soupalon! Tucker:  From the Scutum galaxy… Imogen: So, it is them. The Meemong want to stop them. They’ve formed a successful symbiosis with us. They are the moles, the marks, the spots upon your skin. Barely moving, but harvested us, drove our intelligence, pushed us on into new frontiers. They are inside all of us. They know everything. Tucker:  Motha! Busher:  Peah? Everything? Tucker:  Imogen, how do we know you’re not mental? Busher:  And she wouldn’t think we’re not? Tucker:  You know what I’m like… Imogen: That’s why I live here, compiling my research, interpreting quietly. People have been locked up in Whitehaven for less. Do either of you know the story of Desmond? Busher:  Don’t care! Tucker:  How can we speak to these, wot, Meee-mong? Other than waiting for his face to mutate again? Imogen: They are difficult to intercept. But they can communicate by radio wave. Here, listen- (Switches on and tunes in radio to 108 mhz) Imogen: Urrrrr! (goes into a trance). Busher:  What’s goin’ on? Is she alright? (Radio interference, the Meemong speak through Imogen) Meemong: We are the Meemong. We live on your face! Busher:  Mee-? Tucker:  -Mong! Meemong: We helped guide you to the Savage Garden. You were the first humans we steered. Busher:  Peah! It’s youse! Tucker:  You are the ones who changed the moles on Busher’s face to show the way? Meemong: Yes. We live on your face. Busher:  Phwizzz! Meemong: Humanity is under attack. Tucker: How? Meemong: Neotenic traits in humans are caused by Soupalon. Flattened broadened face. Large brain, hairless body and face. Longer leg than arm, larger eyes, upright stance. Tucker: Sounds like Bobby Gilbert at closin’ time. What’s ‘Neotenic’? Busher:  How should I know, I left school at 15. Meemong: Neoteny! Soupalon control it by food production through chemistry! Tucker: Right ok, but I’m not sure if- Meemong: You are curious, playful with innate desire to cooperate. Tucker: Is she, they, eh, talking just about me now? Meemong: Soupalon breed Neoteny to sterilise humanity! Busher: I may have all this intergalactic intelligence squattin’ on me face, but I have no idea what she just said. Meemong: They are turning you into babies! This is Neoteny! Your humour degraded to childish amusement of farting, burping, silly faces and minor physical harm. Humans become giant babies. Tucker: That’s about right. But how are the Soupalon actually doing it? Meemong: Humans, unlike other mammals, unlike other intelligent life form, are constantly interested in sex, not only in certain parts of their reproductive cycles. Busher: That’s right! Phwizzzz! Tucker: That didn’t really answer my question but- Busher: We have to leave! Get back to Ginger! Peah! Tucker:  Imogen, Imogen? Imogen! (Snaps fingers) Busher:  Wake up! Imogen: Mhuuuhh? What did they say to you? Tucker:  Imogen, you must come with us. We have someone you need to meet. Busher:  You’re our only chance. Imogen: No… The Meemong are your only choice. Busher:  I love my face! It’s going to save the world! Imogen! All The People! Living for today! Peah! Yeah! Narrator: Hope reborn as the Meemong through Imogen Telch tell our heroes to fight like babies as the Soupalon breed juvenile neoteny to sterilise humankind. Meantime, at the injection point of the Ratchly Chemical Factory. Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Jamie and his Magic Torch but just as awesome.

Humans born of Soupalons in the great Panspermia. Son of Baldy needs a home and the incredulous Arlee and Jagger must turn on the radio… On the Clinkership in the Savage Garden, (alarm rings) danger here… Tonus: It’s the Clinkership. With me… Dickus: Run Spikus, follow the big brains! Spikus: Nnnnurghgh. Tonus: Sean the Degus, status. Sean: It is a distress signal from Soupalon Overlord. We are being called back home to fight. Tonus: What? Fight who? We have no- Sean: The Meemong! Tonus: The Meemong? They have not been heard of for light cycles. Sean: Overlord. Tampoon squads are amassing. We have our co-ordinates. Order of the Boghead. Our homeland is under attack! Dickus: But I thought these were just stories. Tonus: The myth is real. Spikus: I’m scared. It’s the Meemong! Tonus: We must go immediately. Dickus. You have your orders. Dickus: Hah? What am I supposed to do? Have some cup of tea with Bert Kavanagh at the factory? Tonus: We will sterilise them by their crops. Earth has always been the rogue planet. Living off their flammable and corrosive oxygen, doubling in height over 3000 of their years… Sean, activate Shoupshuttle No.5 for the High Commander. Sean: Yes Overlord. Dickus: Tooo-nusss! Tonus: Dickus, humans are limited to terrestrial environments. This is their weakness and the correct time to attack. They are a falange of freeloaders, relying on two percent of them to grow digestible fuel. So, if we control the food, we will mutate them! (Engines start up, Soupalon squad marches in) Dickus: Yeah, yeah, but what the fuck do I do? Tonus: Kill the witnesses to our Savage Garden. These human mutants survived. They can now overcome and master complicated life support arrangements for space travel and are likely to take over a large part of the galaxy in no time. They will reach Soupalon. It cannot happen. It is bad enough the Meemong are threatening us. Dickus: Stop talking! Tell me how to kill the humans Tonus! You’re the brains of the operation. Tonus: We must go. Dickus, it’s up to you. Get to the Ratchly chemical factory. We have in error created the spark of their existence by letting Bop go back searching for life there. Spikus: Bye! Tonus: Remember Dickus, humanses most startling capability is one of self-delusion. They are not a rational species. (Puts on mask) Tonus: (radio) They act against each other’s interests, competing viciously and brutally for limited resources. They are dangerous. They must be neutralated. Dickus: Oi! (knocks on helmet) I can’t do this all myself aaand look after Spikus! Even if you give me this scrambled Baldy, Baldus or whatever the fuck egg yoke. (Hinge of pressurised door) Tonus: So, bring back the Titan to help you with it. He’s available after the second reassembledge. Dickus: The who? Tonus: Foghornius! It is time to leave the Savage Garden. Dickus, get into your Shoupshuttle. Sean The Degus has plotted your co-ordinates. You must leave to Earth and we go home to fight the Meemong. (Large malfunction) Sean: Uh-ooooh. Tonus: Sean? Status! Report. Dickus: This doesn’t sound good. Sean: The Clinkership is a bit rusty Overlord. We’ve been parked here in the Garden a while. Spikus: We’re vibrating! Tonus: And? Sean: The panels are malfunctioning. Dickus: That doesn’t even feel good… Sean: We’ve broken loose of Savage Garden gravity. Tonus: Excellent. Sean: No Overlord… Nothing is igniting. We are descending in freefall. Tonus: Descend? Descend where? I need engines. Get the Slaggers on it! Sean: We’re falling Overlord. Falling down- To Earth. Dickus: Oh bollocks. Narrator: Tonus’s newly downloaded brain must deal with a falling Clinkership, bound for Earth. Meantime down in Ratchly, Busher is getting the once over at Dr Don Dudern’s general practice. Doctor Don: Uh huh. I see. (clicks pen) That’s it so. Busher: Peah! What Doctor Dudern, what? Tell me what’s wrong with mae?! Doctor Don: It’s a classic case. Busher: What’s that mean Doc, tell me! Doctor Don: You can put your clothes on now. Tucker: Yeah, please Busher, if you don’t mind. Busher: You shouldn’t be in here Tucks! Doctor Don, tell me what I’ve done to me hand? Plaaaese! Doctor Don: Oh your hand is fine, it’s only a sprain. Your underdeveloped genitals on the other hand… Busher: Me wha? Tucker: He’s got tiny nads? But… they look alright to me. Doctor Don: It’s been around here in Ratchly for a while now. Underdeveloped male genitalia and combined, in your case, with a micro phallus- Busher: Phwiizzzz! Tucker: Is it small? That is fackin’ surprising. Can you have a look at mine? I think it’s the same size. I thought I was normal- Busher: This is great! Doctor Don: Excuse me? Busher: You don’t know what this means to mae! I was born with only one ball! Doctor Doc: Nedward, I’ve seen this recently. Instances of underdeveloped local males growing passive with lack of confidence, doing nothing with their lives but sitting in pubs for years, laughing and useless, unemployed and increasing in oestrogen. Tucker: Get to fack! Who, tell me their names. Busher: What are you saying about mae??! Doctor Don: It’s normal! We’re just not reproducing as we once were. Fertility rates are diving. Local men are losing out to foreigners! In a generation we will be gone. No wars. No disease. Just gone! Busher: What are you saying? Are you a Soupalon? Doctor Don: Excuse me, am I a what? Tucker: Alright Busher… pipe down yeah? Doctor Don: Son, you’re a little freaked out but my files are full of patients like this. Men are growing ovaries. They are women. With eggs inside. Busher: Eggs! Peah! Turning into Baldy! Phhzzz! I’m not a chicken! Doctor Don: They just metamorphosed. It’s real. Normally I advocate counselling and the utmost of secrecy. You know what people in this town are like. It’d be all over the Bingo Hall come Friday.   Busher: Peah! Fuck sakes! What about mae? I’m not a woman! Tucker: Laying eggs and turning woman. I’ve actually seen the first close up, but not the second. Yet… Doctor Don: Really? Are you a doctor? Tucker: Er… yeah. My speciality is mutations. Doctor: Ah, you must have read the national medical report correlating low testosterone men and retrosexual behaviour. Busher: I’m not bent either! Tucker: Eh must’ve missed that one. Busher: But you Tucker, you kissed mae, at, at, at the Wishfield. Tucker: It was a puzzle. To open the door! Stop looking at me! Don’t get angry Busher. Busher: Fuck off the lot of yis! Leave me alone! PAH! I’m not, roight?! Doctor Don: Oh dear Nedward, it is perfectly fine to admit you are gay. What’s the fuss these days?! Noth- Oh, oh my god, what is happening to your face? Tucker: Fack me, it’s started again. Doctor Don: Your… your moles are moving! Busher: Ah! No! What is it? Is it a map? Like last time? Tucker: No, it’s spelling something. Busher: Make it stop! Inject me! Doctor Don: In all my years… just who are you people? Tucker: Wait, wait, get me a biro, it’s… I-M-O-G-E-N… Busher: Wha? That’s not how you spell ‘imagine’! Doctor Don: This is insane- Tucker: T-E-L-C-H… I-mo-gen Telch! I-mo-gen Telch? Busher: Has it stopped?! Doctor Don: My god. Not I-mo-gen, Imogen! Imogen Telch. It’s a woman! Busher: Phwizzz! I am not! Tucker: You know the name? Who is she? Doctor Don: She’s a friend of mine. But I- (Distant thunder) Busher: Peah! Did you hear that? Tucker: Fack. They’re coming. Look! They’re entering the atmosphere… Where does your friend live? Doctor Don: But that’s, it’s only a meteorite. Like those in Russia. I’ve seen footage. Tucker: Wrong. You just don’t understand Doc. Doctor Don: What are you both taking? I can’t give out addresses of friends. Busher: Peah! Tell us now right, where does this Imogen Telch live, tell us! Tucker: Quiiiick! The fate of the whole world and his tiny nad sack just may depend on it. Busher: Stop slaggin’ mae! Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Jamie and his Magic Torch but just as awesome.

Ratchly... Daytime at Whitehaven Psychiatric Hospital… Jennifer is on washing duty. (Distant scream) (Rubbing skin) Desmond: Aziba, aziba, ba… Ba! Jennifer: Stay still while I soap down your mickey… Desmond: …I don’t like it… Matron Jennifer:  Make sure, (rubs harder) to get the finger deep under your foreskin. (finger pops) Desmond: Spaceship! In the skies! That’s mine! That’s m- Matron Jennifer: Desmond, just stop now. Desmond: That’s- Matron Jennifer: Stop bullshitting!  Desmond: Spaceship in the skies… Nurse Mary: Last week you wouldn’t stop going on about soup. (Distant crashing) Desmond: Agh! They’re back! Big Miley: Urrurrr…         Matron Jennifer: Mary, take Nicky inside. I’ll take Desmond. They’re getting agitated. We don’t want a repeat of what happened with big Miley. Desmond: Soupalon! Spaceships! Uhrrrr. Nurse Mary: Soup AND spaceships? You’re full of surprises this morning Desmond. Whoevers in those spaceships Desmond, they should be in here with us at Whitehaven… Heh… Matron Jennifer: Hmmm, there’s a bit of a wind getting up. Push, ladies, push! (Wheelchairs roll, doors lock) (Opening credits) Narrator: Our heroes Arlee, Jagger, Tucker and Busher escape the Soupalon and their Savage Garden and have re-entered Earth. Busher:  Ahh, ahh me fingers. Bent! Ahgh! Ginger? Ginger! Ginger: (coughs) Tucker: Everyone alright? You ok Busha? We’ve got to get out of this place. The Soupalon are coming. Jagger: (Coughing) Wheezeeee… Sorry lads, I had the controls but then the power went. Ginger: Reoor…Arlee: No more voices… no more voices! Lads, I have no more voices! Tucker: Your voice is enough on its own Arlee. Where the fack is the starchild? Jagger, Jagger do you have the egg? Jagger: The egg? Me? I was driving the shuttle. Busher: You had him last. This always happens! Only stupid Baldy Kendall’s interspecies egg-born child that could help us defeat these Soupalon aliens that I didn’t think even existed. Gone! Forever! Jagger: ‘Ere, your fingers don’t look right Ned. Busher: Stop looking at mae! Arlee: Look for the bullet-belt Busher, it was wrapped round the egg. Tucker: Since flying down from the Savage Garden, I think I’ve lost my intelligence! Jagger: I think I’ve lost me slow-down-time power. Am I normal again? Busher: Peah! NO! Looka! Standing in the field! It’s… Baldy: Welcome home lads… Busher: Baldy?! All: Aghhghghghghh! Arlee: Baldy Kendall! Jagger: He’s the size of a 10 year old, Arlee: Only two scenes ago you hatched out of an egg. But where did he get the white overalls? Busher: Peah! Looks like a white Lionel Ritchie! Ginger: Meeeorr! Baldy: I am my father’s son. I will save yis. Tucker: Listen, I might be thick again, but we need to get out of the open. Where are we anyway? Jagger: Back on Earth I think Tucks. Arlee: Sure we’re just outside Ratchly. See the church? Baldy: Then youse shall follow me. Busher: Pyeah! You don’t know where you are sure. Baldy: I am the way. Busher: I don’t care if your father was my next door neighbour and he was kidnapped by aliens out the window with my Ginger, and I had to find these eejits here to go rescue you. Arlee: Terra firma looka Busher hah? We survived didn’t we? Tucker:  Just about… Listen, can we move? Smokin’ wreckage and all… Son of Baldy: I will show yis… Jagger: Tom… you sound just like your father… Son of Baldy: I am not Tom. Tom was my father’s father. I am the starchild, son of Baldy who was son of Tom Kendall, who was son of Bop, who sent to Earth by the Soupalon to monitor you. Arlee: Here, there’s a shed in the corner of the field. Busher: I’m not going in there. I need a doctor sure. Ginger: Meeeoooow! Tucker: Just get out of the open. We can decide what to then yeah? Right? Busher: Gonna die! Gonna die in a stupid Coffin Shed, in a field of… of fuckin’, fuckin’?- Son of Baldy: Rape… Busher: Don’t you touch mae! Jagger:  Had enough up on the Savage Garden eh Busher? heeheeee! Son of Baldy: It is a field of Oilseed Rape. Grown for oil. Harmful to humans. Tucker: Ah, so YOU have my superior intellect now. Arlee: Harmful? I always put it in the pan for a fry up before Soccer Saturday. Jagger: It’s always good to learn som- Busher:  Ah stop talkin’! (Coffin shed door opens, footsteps inside) Jagger:  It’s a bit bleak Tom. Ginger:Meeeoowww. Busher: It’s alright, Ginger sez it’s safe. Arlee: Ah look, a little radio, and… and a stove. Jagger: That armchair looks like the one I have in the parent’s house. Arlee: The house your father won’t let you in to? Jagger: Ah, he’s old, he’s not what he used to be, it’s not his fault. (Sits) This is comfortable though! Tucker: Right, we’re going to need provisions. I tell you what Arlee, you and Jagger stay here with… with… eh- Son of Baldy: I am the starchild. Tucker: That’s a fackin’ ridiculous name! Listen, I’m just going to call you Baldy. Coz you look like ‘im, sound like ‘im and act like ‘im. Busher: I need a doctor Tucks, look at me hand! It’s bent back like a bad paw. Arlee: Bent! Busher: What you say, Stretch? Arlee: I pretend I didn’t hear that… (radio switches on Bruce Dickinson). Radio works anyway. Tucker: Ok, we have to sneak into town. I volunteer. I’ll bring Busher with me. Get him a doctor. It’s better we share the risk yeah? Jagger: Right, coz you two have shared so much already… heeheeee. Arlee: (Snigger)  Baldy: I am the starchild. Busher: Yeah, peah, so you’ve said! Right, come on Tucks. Youse lads don’t go anywhere. Ginger, you stay here. It’s too dangerous for a cat outside. You guard these eejits. Tucker: We’ll be back soon as. Can’t be sure how much Soupalon are around but one thing IS for sure, they’ll be looking for us, and for ‘im. Don’t let Baldy outside. See yis later. (Coffin Shed opens closes) Tucker: You alright Busher? Stop moanin’! Busher: Hate everythin’… Baldy: I am the son of Baldy. Jagger: Shut up Tom will ya? Arlee: (Snigger) Ginger: Meeeooow? Narrator: Son of Baldy is here, sent to guide our heroes. Biding time in a field near Ratchly in an old substation named locally as ‘The Coffin Shed’. Back up on the Savage Garden, high commander Dickus Soupus is seized for killing his Overlord and letting the humans escape. Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Following on from Amplevoicepod's United Mutations III. Now, the universe is at war. Look in the mirror, it starts with the moles on your face... Are they in the same spot as yesterday? Ratchly, daytime at Whitehaven Psychiatric Hospital, Jennifer is on washing duty. Our heroes Arlee, Jagger, Tucker and Busher escape the Soupalon & their Savage Garden and have re-entered Earth. The 'Son of Baldy' is near, sent to guide our heroes who bide their time in a field near Ratchly in an old substation named locally as ‘The Coffin Shed’. Back up on the Savage Garden, Soupalon high commander Dickus Soupus is seized for slaying his overlord and letting the humans escape. But The Boghead may yet need his services to implement the Soupalon plan: NEOZINE - To neotenise and infertilise human civilisation through food via crop protection. Back down on Earth, in Ratchly Chemical Factory, foreman Bert Kavanagh is concerned about his imminent alien co-operation. And who then are these ‘Meemong’ that so threaten Soupalon? It's a Panspermia that goes to the nexus of human existence. And it's a fight to the death, as the moles on Busher's face start moving, spelling the name of their saviour: 'Imogen Telch'. Who is she? Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Jamie and his Magic Torch but just as awesome.

Ginger: Meeeewww! Dickus Soupus: What are you lookin’ at? Ginger: REORR! Dickus: Gaaah! Ginger: FSSST FSSST! Dickus: Get it off me face, get it Busher: Ginger! Dickus: ARGH! (Farts)… Tucker: Now’s our chance! Arlee, Busher, we’ve got to get to that flyin’ shuttle thing over there. Arlee: What about Baldy? Busher: What about Ginger? Dickus: AAAAGH! Tucker: Spikus… Show me! Spikus: I’m sorry Tucker, Baldy has no signs of life, he has expired Tucker, I am sorry. Tucker: Fack!Uh, I’m takin’ his bulletbelt, in his memory I will wear it forever. Never forget what you did Baldy. Alright lads?     Busher: He wants the service now... Arlee: Ok Tucker, let’s go. Jagger: Yeah, but what are we doin’? I’m sweatin’ here lads holding this thing. Wheeezee! Spikus: You must go. It is your only hope. Jagger: Hey, ‘ere, can somebody else hold it now.., I-I don’t want to have the whole world in my hands. Tucker: Here, I’ll take it… Dickus: (Fighting off Ginger) Aaagh! Tucker: Oiright! We gotta get to that ship if it kills us. NOW! Tonus: Overlorders? Are you alright? Can you hear me? Slaggers! Slaggers! Capture them all! I, Tonus, am now the Overlorder here! Grab them! Grab them all! Tucker: Get the skates on! Oooh! This is a fackin’ heavy belt by the way. Busher: Lookit, we can’t leave Ginger! Arlee: Come on Busher! Jagger: Move the fat arse Ned! Busher: GINGER! Tucker: Don’t just stand there lookin’ at it, get in! Busher:  Uh, I can’t leave her I can’t leave her! Tucker: Take the egg for me Arlee, and don’t drop it this time. Jagger: How do we fly this hunk o’ junk? Arlee: Flick the switch like last time? Busher: GINGER! Peshuweeshuweshuwee! Please! Come to daddy! Dickus: Aaaghghgh! Mangy orange monshtaar! Arhshhskkhs… Ginger: (Hears Busher) Reroow?- Busher: She’s seen me lads! AW GINGER! PHWIZZZ! Jagger: More knobs than a fuckin’ SSL mixin’ desk! Which one? I don’t know. I can’t relax… me head... too much stress. Fhoooo… c’mon! Block out the demons Jagger, HUAAGH… Busher: Peah! Can’t look! Ginger’s all alone out there! Arlee: You can’t go out there Ned. Busher: (tears) noooo! Arlee: No! Ned! Busher: Don’t touch me! Tucker: Jagger, it’s just an updated version of the last one; see the left panel above your head? Jagger: Yeah?  Tucker: In the centre there’s a blue hexagon, Jagger: Yeah, see that… Tucker: Well, stick the middle finger up in it, an’ pull it towards ya! Jagger: You mean give it the finger? Tucker: Yeah, give it the finger! Jagger: (Breathes in…) (Orb bursts into life) Jagger: (Exhales) Tucker: Ooiright! Let’s get airborne! Busher: No wait! She’s seen it, she’s? she’s?- come on Ginger, YES! YES! She’s comin’! Stop the plane! Stoppit! Jagger: I can’t! Me finger’s stuck up her panel! Tucker: Use your free hand Jagga, spread the fingers out in front of ya and whichever way you move your hand, this baby will follow. COME ON GINGER! Busher: (Looks up) Oh please God… I swear I’ll do whatever you say, just make sure she makes it… WOAH! Careful Jagger! Arlee: Oh me heart, I nearly dropped it.   Jagger: Sorry! I guess this means I’m the pilot now yeah? Busher: Hold still will ya! Thirty more seconds for fucksake, that’s all I’m askin’. Gingeeeerrrrr! Ginger: (Running) (REEEEOOORRR!), Dickus: (In pain) Ah, come back yis beetrailors! I’ll have your insides for this. I can’t seeeeeee. Spikus: Go Ginger… Run with your heart of fire… You can do it! Hihih! Jagger: Wheeezzzeee, this isn’t easy with me fingerin’ above me head and me nervous hand out here! Heeeheee… Tucker: Get us out of here Jagga, them aliens are gainin’… Busher: NO! Twenty seconds! What’s wrong witcha? Tucker: Are you stupid? It’s suicide! Busher: We’re not leavin’ without Ginger. She got us here, an’ I’m takin’ her back ROIGHT? Tucker: Get your hands off me Busher. Ginger: REEOWW! Tonus: RE! SPECT! WALK! Whaddya say?! THEY MUST NOT LEAVE THE SAVAGE GARDEN! Wooo! Ginger: RORWW! Busher: Ten more seconds! Jagger: Ah sick, I can lift up just by liftin’ me little finger… (FX – Power moving up) Busher: GINGOOOR!! Ginger: (running) Reeerooeer! Dickus: (Getting to his feet) … This is one flight you’re not gonna make… Ya four leg festerin’ fuss fuss! (FX – Click of Silvic Liquid) Jagger: Up, up and away! Fwooouagh! Ah this is deadly. Arlee: Lads! Yis’ll have to shut the hatch! Busher: Peah NO! She’s nearly here! Looka the runs of her! Five seconds. Fowar seconds! Stay on the ground! Dickus: Think you can tear me to shreds hah? Spikus: Run Ginger! Run! Busher: GINGOOOR! Arlee: JUMP YA FONGIN’ FURBALL! Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

Gabbler (head stretches in the Wishfield): It’s not working! It’s not, I can’t… it’s- Pedup: He’s on the way to growin’ an extra head! Busher: Ah, this is useless! Tucker: Like the riddle was useless? Do you SEE where we are? Come on! Arlee: Give it the holly! Jagger: Heezzzzeee I haven’t pulled so hard since Mrs. Bruno forced me to. Tucker: Speed it up Gabbler!! Speed it up! HEAVE! Gabbler: Wait! Wait! Waaaaaaiiittt! AHHHHHHAAAAH! (Stretch speeds up to a POP!) Gabbler: AAHHHH! Pedup Bauer: The flys of ‘im. Gabbler: UMPH! Tucker: Uh!! Yes! We did it! Yes! Pedup Bauer: Askskskshh! The flies of ‘im! He got by with a little help from his friendlery, now that’s nice isn’t it. I am so dead. I may as well turn meself up to the Overlord and collect me death certificate. Arlee: Another team effort saves the day! Gabbler: I’m so glad to see youse lads again… I thought I’d never get through. Jagger: Anythin’ for a friend, fhooo… Busher: Why was it you tho’? What’s goin’ on? Gabbler: All I want to say is thanks lads, you all got me through to fight another da- (Ginger flies out of the sky and lands on Gabbler’s head) Ginger: REOORRRWWW! FSSST! FSSST! Gabbler: -aaaayy! AGGAGHH! GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME! Busher: PEAH! GINGER! IS IT REALLY YOU? AWWW PEAH! MY GINGER! STAY AWAY FROM MY CAT GABBLER! Ginger: Purrr purr purrrr purrrr… Arlee: Holy fong! Now that WAS unexpected. AHH! AHH! NOOOO! Busher: Would you stop that? That’s all you ever do! Ah me head this, ah me head that. Doin’ MY head in! Arlee: Shut up Busher! Tucker?! Tucker! It’s the sounds, it’s playing forwards finally, just the first bit now! “SECOND EGG! SAVAGE SECOND EGG!”  Tucker: This means something Arlee. Arlee: No shit Tucker. I’m glad you’re the one here with the brains. We must be close. Busher: I love you Ginger… Gabbler: Half me hair’s been tore out! Tucker: Shit! Wait a minute! Jagger: What’s up Tucks? Busher: Ah my baby, yeah, Neddy’s here… did they hurt you? Ah me baby peah, yeah? Tucker: Pedup! Pedup! Are ya still there? Arlee: Ask him has he seen an’ egg lyin’ around somewhere. Pedup: I am as true as I am here, yep. Tucker: Pedup, you have to stop the Gardens. If you think you’ve nothing left to lose then help us if it’s the last thing you ever do. Our friend, he must be near… you need to stop the Gardens so we can get to him quickly. Please! Help us. Busher: What are ya doin’? Pedup: Youse humanses want Pedup to do somethin’ for youse? Tucker: Yes! Pedup: Pedup Bauer has observed youse humanses and he’s fierce impressed. Yis are full of the friendlery… Akskskshshsh. Before the badness is bate out of me and me mind erased, I’ll stop these Gardenses for yis. Tucker: Oiiright! Pedup, you the, eh, you the Soupalon! Yeah! Go! Pedup: O-K- Good luck on the Trail of Bees! Pedup GONE!  Busher: He’s not going to that for us. Tucker: Well we have to hope Busher, don’t we? Jagger: Jaaaysis… Gabbler: Oh no… Arlee: Wha? Tucker: Listen… Gabbler: I don’t believe it… Arlee: That sounds like- Jagger: A voice. Arlee: Well of course it’s a voice Jagger, what else would it be? Jagger: The wind? Arlee: Sure, the wind… yeah, Jagger: Yeah, wheeezeee… yeah, I am right, that’s a voice Arlee, no messin’ Tucker: That’s Baldy and he’s got problems. Move it, follow the trail to the top. Let’s go! Jagger: We’re comin’ lad, hold on! Don’t bottle it! Huuuargh! Arlee: The Jagger-naut is rollin’ on… Narrator: The march is on to find Baldy… As Ginger flies in to be reunited with Busher… Yet, he still remains sceptical of just who is Gabbler… Meantime, Soupalon Overlord Malthus Brindle is perturbed… (Aboard Degus’s Orb) Sean: The humans are on the ‘Trail of Bees’ Overlord. Brindle: Pedup Bauer you will be terminated! Tonus: THE LAST! THE LAST! THE LAST SOOOUPERRRR! HE is HERE, AMOGNGNGNN! GRAB IT! He is the key… he is the secret… Brindle: LIE DOWEN TONUS! Tonus: Uh-ooooh... shshshhshsh, (Plop Flush)… Tonus: Uh-ooooh... shshshhshsh, he is here! Boghead: Brindle! Brindle: Boghead! Master. I- Sean, you didn’t tell- Boghead: Brindle, the task was to commence the Savage Garden experiment… Brindle: Yes Boghead, Boghead: …to finalise the bio-compound chips.  Brindle: there has been a breach; Humans. Boghead: A most welcome breach. We learn more directly from the minds of those we aim to control. Brindle: But Boghead, Dickus Soupus has brought them here, they have cut through our Gardens again and again. Boghead: Brindle! Hunt and kill Dickus Soupus. He is a traitor. Brindle: Yes, he is a traitor to all of us. Boghead: Dickus is a traitor to human fear. If Dickus will help them, he will supersede you. Hunt him. Kill him. Brindle: Yes Overlord,  Boghead: To maintain human control we must keep the mass ignorant, fearful and condemned to the lower fourth dimension. The humans on the Savage Garden have superseded this. They must never return to Earth. Boghead: Oh and Brindle… Brindle: Yes Overlord? Boghead: Behind you… Pedup: OVERLORD! Brindle: LIE DOWEN! (Scuffle ensues) Boghead: Boghead gone… (PLOP FLUSH) Pedup: Overlorderly, Overlord! Turn off the Savage Gardenery! Turn it all off! I’ve seen your snakery. Brindle: TONUS! Get the Slaggers! Immediately. Pedup: Ever since yis put the bad head on me for this job, I’ve had the visions; I see meself drivin’ meself a box in the mickey every day! And what is a mickey?? I am Soupalon but I feel half-HUMAN! Yis gave me the devilry! Bad head! I knew it once I met THEM! What have yis done with my mind? I got the visions. You gave ‘em to me! Put the bad head on me. See meself hosed down in the garden with the water and no dinner after. See the mammy bate me sideways for losin’ the bicycle in the forest after I went for a shite in the dark. What’s a bicycle? Who’s me ‘mammy’? YOU POISONED ME TO FEEL HUMAN! So before I am real dead for sure, all ways up, and youse take me, I will take away the Savage Garden! Askskskskskhhshhsh! Aw revenge for Pedup! Haahaha! I’s get me owns back on yis… Snakery bastards, askskhshsksh… Brindle: LIE DOW- (Zap Flash…) Pedup: UUUGH! Zapelry… Pedup… Gone… (collapses). Brindle: Tonus? Tonus: Life expectancy over Soupalon, mmggmgngnn, Brindle: Tonus!  Tonus: Never trust a Slagger, always trust Tonus! HENDRIX! Brindle: Pedup gone! Sean! Sean? SEAN?! Where is the navigator Sean the Degus? Tonus: Well he’s not here anyway… Brindle: GAH! Tonus, fly this orb to the Trail of Bees. NOW. Tonus: Fly it? YES OVERLORD! MOSH! Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

Busher: Peah… Pedup Bauer: Akskskskhhhsh!!! Arlee: AAAAH! Pedup: That’s far enough with yis thanks very much! Arlee: Lads, it’s another! Jagger: What is that yoke? Busher: Head like a bale of hay looka. Tucker: Here we go... Gabbler: I don’t believe it. Pedup: Howayis! Aksskskshhh! Stay still now. I have the betterin’s of yis, so no fight from ya now ya hear? Fuckin’ sure. I am Pedup Bauer, I am the Savagery! I tend to these Gardens as if they were me own, and sure they actually are anyway, akskskskshshsh! Youse have travelled far I takes it. Weary now? Time for yis to stop! How yis got past the Shylerbols and the Scorgie I na’er know the magic, but after the Garden of Futchafutcha my master’s got the want in him that I come here to meet yis at this wall.Tucker: So where are we then? Pedup: Well! Youse are now all in the WISHFIELD and this is its wall; and there in this wall; there is a door... and ahind this door; there is your answer. Gabbler: What answer? Pedup: The answer you seek. Arlee: What answer do we seek? Pedup: Sure youse should now that! It’s in your head! Arlee: In my head?, Can’t be in my head coz all I have are voices telling me about some egg here that we should reach, usin’ Busher’s moley face! Pedup: Aksksksksh! How come’s I should know what you should know? Have yis, have yis the dose what? Yis have the answer, that’s all I know. Busher: Shuttp! Peah! How do we get through this door then? Pedup: Ah fuckin’ sure, so, yeah, right; I Pedup Bauer give yis the riddle, youse work the riddlery out, makes your wish in the Wishfield; and she’ll open up quare ‘n easy and I shall let yis pass not a bother on me, swear on me Mammy’s life. Arlee: Do you even have a mammy? Pedup: I don’t know… What is a “mammy”? Ah, y’ll have to leave that one with me. Akskskskskshshsh! So do yis want to hear the riddle or what? Tucker: Well, we’ve no other choice boys what do you say? We can’t complain coz there’s no use complainin’. Running is not an option because there’s is nowhere to bloody run to. We’re gonna just have to go for it! Like always, eh Busher? Busher: Peah, no choice as ya said. Pedup: Fierce breezy out isn’t it? Arlee: Go on, give us the riddle so. Jagger: I like riddles, I’m on for this, yeah, I’ll do this-   Pedup: Aksh! Ah well done. So… are yis ready? To enter through the wall of the Wishfield you must answer my riddlery… now… now… are, are yis sure now? Yis don’t just want to give up and head off the other way for a bit do yis, hah? I don’t mind- Gabbler: Tell us the riddle!! Come on. Tucker: Do it. Jagger: Yeah, just do it… Wheeezeee! Pedup: Akskkskshshsh! Sure enough, the riddle it is! Now… now.., a-listen carefully… Here we go… now… ok… (clears phlegm): ‘Show pure love and favour, Savour this flavour, And one from four shall open the door…’ Gabbler  Show pure love and favour, savour th- Busher: Peah! What’s that supposed to mean, fucksake?! Arlee: It’s a riddle sure, stop gettin’ angry all the time will ya Busher? Just coz your confused and nervous! Go punch something and have another wank! … And not about my sister either, lord Jesus… Jagger: Ah come on Ned. Like the riddle sez; ‘show pure love’! Busher: Meh! Tucker: Do me a fava! Sayin’ sorry to someone who saved his skin is as far as Busher goes. Busher: What ya sayin’? Pedup: Ahh this is quaren good, there’ll be bloodery, bloodery at the wall! Akskskshshshsh! Gabbler: Hang on, “one from four shall open the door”, but there’s five of us! Tucker: (To himself) “Show pure love and favour, savour this flavour an’ one from four shall open the door”… Should there be somebody AT the door? Jagger: Yeah! Like to let the others in… You’re right Tucks! Yeah. Jesus, I’d have never thought of that. I’ll do that, yeah, I’ll be the one, I’m on for that. I’ll do the door. If, if that’s what I should do, like, maybe it’s the orangey alien that should do it. I don’t know. I can’t decide. Tucker: Just do it Jagga mate. I know what I am sayin’. Go on. Busher: But what do we have TO DO? Uh? Stupid riddle! Jagger: Is it alright if I have a look at the door in the wall, Mr Pedup? Pedup: Sure go on ahead with yourself, I don’t mind. Arlee: “Savour the flavour”, Savour the flavour? Like a little flavour saver below the lip, for tastin’ the shaved fong? Hahaha! ‘Ere Busher you have a little goatee beard on ya, maybe you have to ‘savour the flavour’ heheheh! Busher: Flavour Flave! Black Rappers! I was watchin’ Flava the other night and all the black rappers on it! Every hour! AHAAW HAAW! They all sound like Whitney Houston now tho’, with the tight balls. Bring back the real rappers! Peah! Busher: (Rapping) “Show pure love, show pure favour, cum oon,- sava d’ flava, sava d’ flava, HO!!! One from four gonna open the door- can I have tape of it, one from four gonna open the door! Another tape of it; one from four gonna open the door”! Ah I could’ve been Jordan in The New Kids on the Block. I could have me chest puffed out on stage with Donny, Danny, Joey n’ Jonny! Bastards! Tucker: There’s Busher showin’ pure love again! What are you like? Arlee: Pure love! That’s it, that’s it!!  Tucker: Why all this hate man? You bitter coz you were never famous? Gabbler: Yeah you should show more pure love Busher! Busher: Wha?- Tucker: He wouldn’t know how. Busher:  I fuckin’ would! I-I can, I’ve, I can, I, peah, peah, p-p-p-p-peah, Tucker: You wouldn’t know how mate! Listen I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done, but deep down your soul is pure love Busher. I don’t care if you are bitter and twisted. I don’t care if you hate everyone and are the first to criticise any effort we make, your soul IS pure love. Arlee: And you think, I, may be stretchin’ it… Tucker: No no no Arlee!! It’s true. Busher: Sure you show me how then if you know so much about it! Show pure love to me! Tucker: Oiright, I will! Gabbler: How’s he gonna do that? This is Busher we’re talkin’ about. He’d box the head off a fly. Arlee: And he WAS doin’ that earlier… Busher: Shut up you. Gabbler: See? Tucker: The problem is you Busher; you’ve become delinked from the highest level of yourself. You’re wadin’ through the depths of your lower consciousness, lost, alone, amd angry… But, I can reconnect you to your true self… Busher: Do it then! I’m waitin’! Tucker: There you go again, you’re exuding too much hatred man! To express pure love you must give up your desire to control and dominate. Arlee: Good luck with that. Busher: Show me! Peah… Tucker: Stop trying to dominate Ned. Busher: Ah, right…. Ok… S-show me how do express pure love Tucker… Please… Tucker: Oiright! Stand still! No, go on, stand still, don’t try to control and dominate, okay? Busher: Peah… fair enough… ‘kay, I’m standin’ still now. Tucker: Just relax and don’t think about control. Busher: No control… Tucker: I want you to lose control, Busher: Losin’ it now, alright… I’m losin’ it. Tucker: Close your eyes… Busher: What? Tucker: I said close your eyes… you can’t control what you can’t see… Busher: But I don’t want to close me eyes Tucker. Tucker: It’s not gonna work if you’re not gonna trust me Busher. I know that is difficult for you but that’s what it’s gotta take to show you. Are you with me Ned? Pedup: Are yis workin’ on the riddle or what? Askskskskskshhhshs, Arlee: Heheh, look at this… Close your eyes Nedward, you asked for this. Tucker: Come on. Busher: Peah, alright… but I’m watchin’ you. Tucker: Close ‘em. Busher: Peah… there… See? Closed, Tucker: Now stay still, I’m coming towards you… Gabbler: What’s he playin’ at? Busher: Phfwizzz! Me head is spinnin in the dark. I see Arlee’s sister. Tucker: It’s alright, we’re all here… you’re safe and with friends. Now keep your eyes closed… gettin’ nearer…  Busher: Okay... Tucker: That’s it… Give up your control… … Now… Do you feel that? Pedup: Ah, humanses fair confuse me so they do, but I do like it. Busher: Peah, yeah I feel that… Tucker: What is it? Busher: It’s your hand on my left shoulder… Tucker: That’s right. Now… … what’s that? Busher: Y-your hand on m-my right shoulder… Tucker: Yeah, now take away the hate, take away control… what’s left? Busher: I-I- Tucker: Yes Busher… You get pure love. (Kissing begins) Busher: Oh Tucker… Arlee: Haha! Gabbler: I-don’t-believe-it… Pedup: HAH? BITTA FUCKLERY! There’s been a physical union! Arlee: Tucker’s slapped the tongue in! Jagger: That’s not right. Is it? Can’t be… That’s sick… Ah Jesus… Arlee: Hahahahaha! Jagger: Can’t stop lookin’ though… Gettin’ a twinge in me balls! Busher:  MMGMNGGHAAAAHH! GET OFF ME YA BASTARD! Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

The story so far... (a gentle recap); Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race and now upon their Savage Garden satellite station, his importance to the Soupalon is stupendously realised. But what of Busher and his quest with Tucker, Arlee and Jagger to primarily rescue Busher’s cat Ginger (but also having to track down Baldy?) as the fate of humanity hangs in the balance? Our furtive foursome have wound up in the Garden of Futchafutcha, a hypnotic version of a TV game show where presenter Mr. Gay Chris presides. Can they find the final answer to free themselves? Even if they do, the Wishfield awaits with its confounded riddles. Is the humans' life expectancy really over? Or will Baldy Kendall take his place among the pantheon of Gods? All will be inveigled in United Mutations III, a 74 minute full force farcical machine from the purveyors of HQ audio adventure ear-films: Amplevoicepod. Here then is the first of 4 parts to tease it all out. Soon it'll be calving time! (Opening credits sequence) Gay Chris: HELLO BUSHER! I’m Gay Chris! And welcome to ‘Futchafutcha’! Busher: Aaaah! Gay Chris: Move your feet across my hands and sit down on our fabulously designed palms! Okaaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha… Busher: What’s goin’ on? Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer!! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Busher: What the fuck? Tucker: If you want to get out of there, you are going to have to play it. Arlee: We need you to play it Nedward. Tucker: Come on Busher! Jagger: It’s up to you now Ned. You wanted it your own way… now you have it wheeeezzzeee! Busher: This is quaren stupid… what does Gay Chris want? He could kill me… Aw, just do it Busher, just do it… do it… for Ginger… Agh! Okaaay… I’m ready to play the game? Gay Chris: Is the RIGHT answer!! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Arlee: Phew! Right we’re in… Ahhh! Get out of me head! Busher: Eh howaya Gay Chris! Gay Chris: HELLO NEDDY BUSHER! Fastest finger first remember? Busher: Yeah, yeah, you’ve said it a million times sure… Tucker: I hope he doesn’t fuck this up. Gay Chris: Comfortable? Comfortable? Ok, bring on your fantasies! Busher: Me what? Arlee: What the hell? That hand is raisin’ up a finger! Busher: Oh no… Morten: (POP) Taaaaake-Hi my name is Morten Harkett from AHA and Busher likes to dream about me in the showers Jagger: Wheeeze! Another finger! Laura: (POP) Hi I’m Laura and Busher likes to suck my old toothbrush and stare at me through the hole in his bathroom wall… Tucker: Look! Another one! Bloody hell… Violet: (POP) Hi I’m Violet and Busher likes to slap his cock off me arse for twenty Euro down by the park after the bingo. Busher: PEAH! I do not! Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Jagger: Ah you’re sick Ned… Busher: (Under breath) Why Busher why? … Mrs. Bruno: (POP) Hi… I’m Mrs. Bruno and Busher likes to watch me get rode by the Jagger lad down by the Mass Path, at midnight. Busher: What? WHAT? Jagger: HAH? Gabbler: I don’t believe it! The policeman’s wife? Tucker: Holy shit Arlee: You did not! Jagger: Sure you look at her through the window Arlee!? Arlee: I can look can’t I sure? You shot the whole LOT into her! Jagger: It was only the once right, s-she wouldn’t leave me alone! I had to do it to get away! Gabbler: She’s twice your age Jagger! Busher: But I don’t even remember that! How do we stop this game? Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Mrs. Flenny: (POP) (cough) Howaya, I’m Mrs. Flenny and Busher likes to put it through the letterbox for a free bit o’ BJ when he’s had the Hash in him. Tucker: No waaaay! He’s doin’ Mrs Flenny too and she on the pension an’ everythin’. Busher: Make it stop Gay Chris please… what do you want from me? Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Busher: Ahhhh! Gabbler: Busher, I know what he wants! Arlee: What does he want Gabbler? Busher: Tell me please Gabbler, please! Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay, fastest finger first, on Futchafutcha! Gabbler: Do you trust me Busher? Tucker: Come on Gabbler, this is not the time! Help him! Busher: What!? Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer!! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Jagger: Ah Gabbler… Busher: Just get me out of here! Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer!! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Tucker: Would you just say it you stubborn fack! Arlee: Uh-oh here’s another finger! ‘Manda: (POP) Hi this is ‘Manda and Busher likes to hold hands and take pictures because he doesn’t know how to kiss a girl… Jagger: Wheeeezzzeee it’s the first girlfriend is it Ned? Busher: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! PEAH, GABBLER I TRUST YAOW! NOW TELL ME WHAT TO DO! Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Gabbler: Ok, Busher… Jagger: More lads, over there- Caroline: (POP) Hiya, this is Caroline and Busher likes to squirt his hot load over my head onto me Daddy’s favourite picture of Manchester United in the sitting room, because he had never masterbay- Busher: Quick ya FUCKER! Caroline: …ated before in his life. Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay- Sandra: (POP) Hi this is Sandra Davidson and Busher likes to spit in me face, when I don’t give him the ride at the back of the Arlee’s disco… Busher: AHAAWW AHAW! I remember that one tho’! Arlee: You were tryin’ to get up on my sister were ya? Busher: Peah, wassit got to do witcha? Gay Chris: Let’s play… Comfortable? Comfortable? Hmm hmm? Comfortable? Gabbler: Ok, Busher, Gay Chris wants you to use your fastest finger first. Each finger holds a fantasy of yours on top of it. Select the best one. Use your instinct, be fast and don’t think. That’s why it’s fastest finger first! Gay Chris won’t let you go until you tell the truth… Arlee: Hahaha, good one Gabbler… Tucker: Oooiright! Jagger: They’re all equally sick Ned.  Tucker: Woo! Busher: But but, I like them all! I don’t know which one… Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Tucker: There has to be a best one, there always is! The one you can rely on, you know, every night! Gay Chris: Comfortable? Comfortable? Comfortable? Fastest Finger, fastest finger, fastest finger, futchafutcha, fastest finger-Busher: (under breath) Which one tho’. All so great. Mrs Flenny’s a golden oldie quick one but with Laura you build up slow and easy. Morten is for when I’m angry and need to wash it off PEAH! Aw sweeeeet Caroline… the classic, fwizzz! Mrs Bruno; best after the hash when you don’t think of Jagger’s raw slapped arse. Sandra… fresh in the mind like yesterday… which is it? MMMM… Gabbler  Come on Busher… come on… Tucker: I hope you are right Gabbler… if not, we may never leave this place. Arlee: Don’t say that… Bad enough hearing voices sure, I don’t need to be watchin’ Busher’s sick fantasies poppin’ up for the rest of me life… Busher: (To himself) Are the lads are watchin’ me? Has to be Caroline for the shock of it at the time… Ah no… but is it me best fantasy? Why are there no ones with supermodels or B0urney’s girlfriend in it? Why do I always have to get the stupid real ones? Tucker: He’s thinkin’ too much… just spit it out!  Gay Chris: Comfortable? Hmm? Comfortable? Fastest finger, fastest finger, fastest finger, futchafutcha, fastest finger. There’s no rush, there’s no rush… Take your time... Fastest finger… VOTE NOW! Gabbler: I know I am right. Jagger: You have to be! Wheeeezzzeee! Gay Chris: We want you to win, we want you to win, everyone’s behind you, take your time, take your time… Vote now, fastest finger first, comfortable? Take your time. Busher: Stop talk-STOP TALKIN’ TO ME WILL YA?? Tucker: Stop thinkin’ will ya... Gay Chris: Comfortable? Take your time… Busher: (To himself) Head’s spinnin’, need Mammy… Everyone’s lookin’ at me. Ok Gay Chris, I’m gonna go for it… Gay Chris: Is the RIGHT ANSWER! Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

From the Garden of Aiden to Dickus and Baldy at the Garden of Rememberin’s… Ginger: Meoorooow! Baldy: No, no I can’t go on… I’m fucked. Dickus: You probably are, but we must keep walking. Baldy: Uuughghnn (collapses). Ginger: Roooreeeww… Dickus: Baldy! Baldy! Get up! Baldy! Come on! Spikus: Stop it Dickus! Leave him alone, it’s okay fuss fuss… Dickus: We have to keep going. I know what I’m doing Spikus. I will tell ya, I said I would! Don’t worry, trust me… Baldy! Baldy! (FX voices begin to echo into the distance as Baldy slides into unconsciousness) Baldy: Uhhhh… sleeeep… Laura: (FX babbling brook) Baldy… Baldy? Baldy: Laura? Is that you? Laura: Baldy, I will wash you. Lay your tired body upon this low stone pedestal… Baldy: Ok Laura… Laura: Undo your bulletbelt and look down, I will dribble on your legs. Baldy: Yes Laura… Laura: Look into the puddle that I create… Baldy: Feels so good Laura. Laura: Will you look into the puddle? Baldy: What will I see? Laura: Even Tucker cannot tell. For the puddle shows many things… Things that were… Things that are… And some things that’ve not yet come to pass. Baldy: It looks dark an’ an’ muddy. I can’t- Laura: I know what it is you saw… Baldy: But I haven’t looked yet. Laura: For it is in my mind. It is the future, Baldy. Baldy: Sure I know it is, if ya can’t see it, that’s the future, all muddy and not even happened yet… Laura: It is what will come to pass if you fail. Baldy: You mean nothing will come to pass if I fail? What am I meant to pass? A test? Like an exam? I was useless in school. Laura: Baldy… Look into the puddle. The United Mutations are breaking up. Baldy: The who? Who’s breakin’ up? Are you breakin’ up with me Laura? Can you do that from Heaven? Is me daddy still there? Laura: It has already begun. He will try to take the egg. Baldy: Who will- What egg? What are talkin’ about Laura? Are ya drunk up there? You hangin’ around with the Jesus, gettin’ pissed on the wine? You better not go off with him! Laura: You know of whom I speak. Baldy: I don’t actually, I’m a bit lost… Fair enough the wash was needed and it’s very nice but I haven’t a clue what you are on about. Can you dry me feet now? Laura: Listen you fucking idiot, one by one he will destroy them all! Baldy: Do you mean that Soupalon ‘Brindle’? He’s a bollocks alright, he killed you remember? Yeah it must be him… What do I need to do? Don’t forget in the cracks there… Dickus: Wake up Baldy! Wass he doin’ Spikus? ‘Ere! Stop rollin’ down your shorts! Is he dreamin’? Ginger: Meeeooow! Baldy: (slap) Uh Laur-UGNH! (slap) Stop it! Stop slappin’ me! I’m pregnant! Dickus: So you keep sayin’, now can we keep goin’ please? We have to find your friends! Baldy: I was enjoyin’ that! I slept with Laura… Dickus: Very happy for ya- Spikus! Get a hold of him there, up on to his feet. Baldy: She was sayin’ mad stuff to me. Dickus: Makes a change I suppose, now we must move! The Slaggers will be near! Baldy: She was sayin’ stuff about some ‘United Mutations’ or somethin’- Spikus: UuuuH! Ginger: Reooow? Dickus: Ahh! Baldy: (Falls to the ground) Ah!!! Careful! Me waters could have broken. Dickus: Eh but… Nevermind! Listen hold still there. You said ‘United Mutations’, how’d you know about that? Baldy: Me wife Laura told me. Dickus: Hah? You became one with her? Didn’t know you had it in ya. Where is she now Baldy? Baldy: Well now she’s in me dreams… Dickus: No! NO! Where is she NOW! Like physically? Is she here on the Savage Garden? Has Brindle got her? How does she know about mutants? Baldy: (Taps fag) Brindle (lights fag) killed her. (Exhales) She’s dead Dickus… Ginger: Rooow… Dickus: The mangy mylox! You can’t trust that lad can ya? Stuh! But what about these United Mutations? How’d she tell you in your dreams? Baldy: I don’t know. Dickus: What did she say was going to happen to them? Baldy: I don’t know Dickus right? I don’t know what she meant about who, and I don’t know why she said it. All I know is that the lads are here to come rescue me.  Dickus: But it’s very important you remember right? We’re still in the Garden of Rememberin’s right? So yer in the right place, come on! Quick now, what did Laura say? We’ve really no time for this! Baldy: Stop pokin’ me, I can’t. Dickus: Baldy, you do realise what’s going to happen to your world, if you can’t remember? Baldy: Yeah sure… Dickus: Brindle will- wha? You remember? Baldy: No, but I remember what ‘Tracksuit’ told me in the spaceship. Dickus: What was it? Tell me! Baldy: Sure he said yis are gonna take over the Earth with bags of chips and youse are using this Savage Garden place to harvest human mind molecules or some shit. That he’s going to turn everyone into forever people with better brains. Sure we don’t need better brains. We’re doin’ alright thanks. Dickus: You’ve got to stop this! Brindle can’t win! I mean, you can’t let, let, ahem, THEM win! Baldy: I know, I know! Oh yeah, and he said that ‘I’m the key’ and my baby holds the key of the universe… Dickus: That you are Baldy, that you are… Spikus: Dickus… Ginger: Meooooew! Dickus: Baldy, and Spike, this is for you too; we and by ‘we’ I mean ‘him’; ‘Malthus Brindle’, is going to change the collective mind of your planet. The Boghead, our Soupalon master, knows we can’t take yis by force, nor breed yis out, but he can program yis for collective trauma-based mind control. He’s been plannin’ this one for a looooong time. Self-determination Baldy, that’s what yis have, that’s what me and Spikus love about your place, n’tha’ right Spikus? All the choices in the world… We on Soupalon have no choice like that, it is just the Boghead this, Boghead that… Baldy: Why am I the one everyone is always countin’ on? I was just a part-time self-employed cartoonist sittin’ on the dole back in Ratchly… Dickus: Because it is your destiny… Baldy: Why my destiny? Why not Tucker’s destiny? Arlee’s? Jagger’s? Even stupid Busher’s? Why is it me they are here to save?? What did I ever do? Dickus: You did nothin’ Baldy. You are the most revolting human for a reason. It’s all set up this way. Your friends too have their parts to play. That’s why we need to get to them quickly! Spikus: Dickus… Baldy: I know! We need to meet up to get out of here! Warn Earth and all its leaders about Brindle! Dickus: NO! We need to find them before they find us! Spikus: Stop it Dickus. Baldy: Yeah! So to warn the world, I understand! Dickus: No Baldy, you don’t understand, that’s the point. You don’t get it do ya? The farther Tucker and all thems lads come to try find you, the more Gardens they pass through, and the more Gardens they pass through; the more challenges they win and the more The Boghead has better information to manipulate human mind modules on Earth! They’re achievement is factored in! It’s all planned! You have to stop them! They’re committing themselves to their own human downfall!  Baldy: Wha? But sure- Dickus: Yis are workin’ against yourselves! The more you win the more you lose! And so far Brindle hasn’t copped on to what The Boghead is playing at. So I’ll use his ignorance as my advantage. Baldy: My friends are not losers! Ginger: Meeeooow! Reeoww! Baldy: Yeah, you tell ‘em Ginger! Dickus: But they are MUTANTS! They have developed mutations from the early compound we were planning to use for biochip implantation. Spikus: Dickus! Baldy: I don’t understand! Dickus: I know ya don’t! Your friends developed mutations from the vat of mutagen in the Ratchly chemical factory. Tucker’s more intelligent! Jagger slows time, Gabbler speeds it up, Arlee hears voices and Busher’s face is a map of the cosmos! Spikus: What are you doing Dickus!? Baldy: So… That’s why I’m pregnant! It was that jelly stuff at the factory! I got impregnanted with your poison. Spikus: Dickus! Dickus: No, that’s NOT it Baldy! Spikus: DICKUS! Baldy: What do you mean ‘not it’? Look at me sure! Dickus: What Spikus WHAT? Always breakin’ the flow y’are! Spikus: It’s the SLAGGERS! Ginger: Hfizzzzz! Dickus: Uh-oh, we got company. Run Baldy, run! Baldy: Ah no, look! Me, me water’s broke! It’s on the way! Dickus: I know! Sure it happened earlier when you were asleep! Now move, we have to get off this lowland, we’re too exposed! (FX of Silvic Liquid bursts) Dickus: NOW! 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.