Amplevoicepod

The game is afoot, Dickus and Spikus escape the clutch of Maltus Brindle as our heroes traverse the Ureariver away from the Shlylerbols. (Wading through river as Shlylerbols laugh in distance)  Jagger: Ah me mickey… Arlee: Stand up ya fongin’ eegit Gabbler, sure it’s only waist high. Trust me ya fucker! Gabbler: Me hair! Jagger: Smell is stingin’... Tucker: Stinkin’ Busher: Stankin’! Gabbler: Stretchin’! Your Tank Top is stretchin’! Arlee: Ah the double-cross stitchin’ will take the pull Gabbler, it’ll hold. Head up! I have ya. Phew! Stauch of that... Was that you was it? Wade across her slow... Hold each other’s arms with the free hand. Busher: Get off me! Tucker: Busher, stop it! We have to do it togethaaah. Arlee: Gently, gently, don’t pull on her too hard... Tucker: Tank Top is goin’ Arlee. Arlee: Nearly there... Keep the head up Jagger... Don’t look at it. That’s it… Okay Gabbler... Keep chin up... Jagger: Ahhhh steamy sludge... Busher: Hang tough Jagger ya eejit... the coast is clearly there. I see it! Arlee: That’s it, nearly, nearly. One more- Gabbler: (Choking on water) Curse me stunted growth. Tucker: Grab the lip of it Busher! Arlee: (Rips) The Tank Top is gonna give lads, quick grab the edge! Jagger: (Chokes) Blubullblblb... Busher: PEAH! GOT IT! PHWIZZZ! Arlee: (Exhausted) Aw, aw- Gabbler: (Coughs) Thanks God.. Tucker: No... Thank the Tank Top. Arlee: Aw, finally… We made it. Aw, curse o’ the God on it. Jagger: Ah this is sick... I’m alive. (Cough) Me lungs... Hoooo. Arlee: Those flying fongers with the smoke and the whispers- Tucker: They nearly had us come to blows mate. Busher: PEAH! Bastards... What is this? This ledge is all rubbery. Gabbler: Where are we? Jagger: Me kidneys are like Mrs Bruno’s tits! Busher: Smell of this place... Like… Like boiled horse fat. Jagger: Why can’t I go? Arlee: Ya didn’t even let it off in the water when we were crossin’ over? I do that in the pool sure. What’s wrong with you Jagger? Jagger: Hah? Arlee: Nevermind... Tucker: Aw facksake, I’m never swimmin’ in Gagan’s again... Busher: What is this rubbery place? Pinky, blochy walls each side... all dark and walnutty in front... Gabbler: Little spikey trees pokin’ out along the walls too. What is it? (Deep ground rumble) Tucker: Uh-oh, that’s seismic lads... at least a 6.8. Busher: AHH! Me feet!! Stoppit! I’m rising up. Arlee: Look! The little trees on the walls are all pokin’ sameways. It’s weird. Tucker: Like they sense our presence. (The Scorgie cries – distant) Tucker: (Farts) Motha! Arlee: Seems like somethin’ else has just sensed us Tucker. Gabbler: Lads! The walls! Look! (The Scorgie cries – Louder) (Squelches). Busher: PEAH! What is that? Come out! Arlee: Straight ahead! Up over the mound beyond the two hills, it’s a face! Busher: I’m not afraid to say this, but I’m scared... MAMAAAY! (The Scorgie screams) Tucker: Fackin’ hell. Which eh, which way is best? Show me your face Busher. Arlee: Hang on... that looks like.- Gabbler: The walls are splittin’ up! T-there’s a tunnel in the middle! Tucker: That ain’t no tunnel Gabbler... (The Scorgie screams) (Squelch). Arlee: Eyooo, that’s a brutal whiff! Jagger: Wheeeezeee!! That’s the biggest pussy I’ve EVER seen! Tucker: Motha of God! It’s a bloody giant female! Jagger: Yeah, honest to God like… Busher: PEAH! That’s one of them yokes? Jagger: Yeah… Arlee: That’s her massive hole there Busher lookit! Have you never seen one before? Tucker: Size of her grizzly bits, and we’re stuck up between ‘em! Run! Gabbler: Where? Up her hairless ‘Goblin’s tube’? (The Scorgie Screams) Jagger: Wheeezeee! This is not good is it tho’? Aww I need to go!! Arlee: We all need to go... Tucker: ROCK! ROCK! (ROCK LANDS) Busher: Wha’th’fuck? Arlee: She’s peggin’ rocks! Take cover! Go for the inside leg. (Another rock lands) Busher: Bitch’s tryin’ to kill us! Gabbler: Pingin’ ‘em like pebbles. Eh, if anyone would like to use their mutation to our advantage, now is the time! (Another rock lands close) Tucker: We gotta move back and scale over the, the kneecap there... (Loud rumble) Busher: She’s pushin’ wider! Dirty fu- Jagger: This is like Valley of the Dolls! What’s goin’ on? Gabbler: What’s that noise? (Far away buzz) Arlee: It’s comin’ from inside her gearbox! (Scream of birth followed by louder buzz) Tucker: Oh fack… 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

Baldy and Ginger flee into the Savage Garden. Meanwhile, aboard the incoming Shoupshuttle… Dickus: Alright mutants, hang on! Arlee: ‘ere, how long to the Savage Garden? Dickus: We’re pentetratin’ the lower atmosphere. Jagger: Heeezzze, it’s like sittin’ on a 200 watt amp, Gabbler: Fierce salty too... Dickus: Salty eh? Gabbler: I should know, I swallowed enough of Pat Moley’s. Mnammnam… Busher: I feel sick. Tucker: How in the name of Jonah will you land this thing? Spikus: Um? I don’t know! It’s all gone white, hurhurhur, it’s all gone white! Arlee: It’s a bit bumpy. Dickus: Right, they’ll have copped us coming in so we’re gonna have to take extreme measures’s! Arlee: Extreme? Whaddaya mean ‘extreme’? Busher: Peah! I don’t like the sound of this. Dickus: It’s the only way. Jagger: What are ya doin’ ‘Flares’? Arlee: Careful on the clutch there will ya? Dickus: Just remember, aim for the centre, that’s where Baldy is... Tucker: Dickus, what are you doing!? Dickus: Brace yourselves... Spikus: NO DICKUS NO! Gabbler: I-I-I don’t believe it! Dickus: Ejaculate! (Presses the Ejaculator) (Boyoyoyoyoingggg!) All: AHAAHHAHH! FUCCCK! MAMAAAAAAAY! (To fade) Spikus: Uhoh! Dickus! You ejected them! Dickus: That’s it Spikus! They’re gonna be planted in the garden. Spikus: Bu-but they’re gonna die! Why did you do that? WHY? Dickus: Spikus! We can’t land here with humans! They’d be subjumagated, and we couldn’t tell ‘em that, coz they wouldn’t want to know, and sure you can’t tell them what’s down THERE. Better to ejaculate with the ignorance still in ‘em, I say, Spikus: They’ll die! Dickus: No they won’t! Spikus: It’s wrong! Dickus: Lissen Spikus, the Savage Garden only disconnects you from your MIND! Not your body. It persuades you that you are insignificant and powerless and makes you believe it is right. It only annihilates your brain, not your balls! Spikus: Why throw them in? They can’t handle it Dickus! They got us back here and now you betray them, again! Dickus: Second time for everytin’ ay?! Ah but but, it’s not really. Them lads must find themselves, they must be disconnected by the Garden to feed their souls, to discover their true knowledge of who they are and their own infinite potential to manifest their own destiny and control! Spikus: Really Dickus? Dickus: No, meheheheh! But sounds good doesn’t it? Meheheh, right! Time to introduce ourselves to the latest fool The Boghead has in charge. Take her left Spikus... Spikus: Bastard! Dickus: That’s me! Ah here son, they’ll be alright Spikus, I know it. Now come on, I’m starvin’. (Shoupshuttle departs) (Outdoor Savage Garden perspective) (Creature sounds) (Falling from the sky above, approaching) All: AAAAHHHHHHHHH! (Backwards) (Impact thump) (All voices backwards) Jagger: Ah ah AHHH ME FUCKIN’ SACK! 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

(Opening credits sequence) Gabbler: This is like being in a holograph. Busher: Phwizzz! Tucker: Come on Busher! Will you make space?! Dickus: Plenty of it around ya here... Spikus: We need to find out the co-ordinates otherwise we’re going nowhere Dickus, Dickus: Shhh Spikus, I know... We have to figure somethin’ out. Boghead knows how this is going to work. Spikus: And us with human cargo... Dickus: I know. Pure madness! Spikus: Do you really know what you are doin’? Dickus: No, not really... Busher: Ah, it’s quare n’ hot. Do you find it hot? Well you would, jaysis, with those boots and everything... Jagger: Hah, did you say somethin’ Ned? Arlee: Yeah it’s a bit hot... Jagger: Yeah, the shirt is stuck to me yeah? Tucker: Well take off your tops then if you’re all so hot! Arlee: You’re not even hot then? Busher: Sure all the heat is in his head... Jagger: Go on, take your top off Ned... you started it. Wheeeze! Busher: You first, Tucker: Why the fack does somebody have to be first? If you’re hot, take off your top! Dickus: What are they shoutin’ about back there Spikus? Spikus: I dunno. Dickus: I’ll check it out. Keep her steady till we hit the Van Halen’ses for the swing round and then... well.. then somethin’. Jagger: Go on Ned, take it off. Look, sure I’ll stand here with no shirt on, look! (Riiiip!) See! I’m not scared. Gabbler: He’s ripped the Sabbath t-shirt straight off him! That’s great Jagger! (clap clap) You next Busher! Busher: Peah! What’s wrong with yis? Arlee: Are ya shy Busher? Is that it? Jagger: Hah?- Busher: I’m not fuckin’ shy! Tucker: No waaay, Busher is shy! Take off the v-neck Busher! And the shirt! Gabbler: Take the whole lot off! OFF! OFF! OFF! All: OFF! OFF!! OFF!! Busher: Leave me alone! Tucker: Only gettin’ hotter Busher! You may do it. Busher: I said LEAVE ME ALONE! WANT A BOX IN THE FACE? Tucker: Holy fack! Arlee: Look at HIS face! Jagger: Wheeeezzzzeeee! It’s come alive! Gabbler: What is it? Show me! Busher: What are yis lookin’ at? Stop lookin’ at me! Arlee: Busher... Tucker: Busher, the moles on your face have started moving around! Jagger: Hah?- Arlee: Oh my god... Busher: Leave my moles alone! So what if I have loads... Tucker: But they’ve gone all Pixar on yer face. Oiiright! Dickus: What are yis shoutin’ about back here? Arlee: Busher’s face has exploded to life! Tucker: They’re making little concentrical revolutions and- Dickus: Never like gettin’ this close to a human... but... Busher: Get away from me! Dickus: Stand still ya eegit. Well would you look at that... I’ve never seen this before. Jagger: Heeee. Busher’s a freak. Arlee: Sure we knew that. Tucker: ...they look like they’re moving on an ELIPTICAL PLANE! No WAAAY! Busher: Stoppit! Gabbler: Tell us Tucker! Tucker: If I am correct, each of the moles on Busher’s face could correspond to… yeah, yeah, planets in our solar system! See? All of them buzzin’ around their orbits and if that big freckle is the sun, then… okay look, there’s Earth, Mars... Jupiter... Dickus: Is this normal in your species? We missed this bit in prep. Arlee: Ahhhh... (voices) me head... Dickus: And what is WRONG with you? In fact, what is wrong with all of yis??? Jagger: Hah? Dickus: You, the Jagger, you mumble and hear nothing half the time, you hear things you’re not supposed to, you, Gabbler, speak so fast, you confuse all humans, and this lad’s face has ejaculated spots. As for you Tucker, you were never near this intelligent the last time we met in the Chemical Factory... I'm bemused by this. Tucker: Oiiiright! I have it! Look! There’s an extra green mole on his face not accounted for in our planetary system, and that’s with all the moons! Look at the elliptical; its orbit takes it in around the back of our moon! It HAS to be the SAVAGE GARDEN! Dickus: HAH? What? Busher: I used to be beautiful. What happened to me MAMMAY?! Dickus: You mean, his face is a map to the Savage Garden? That’s fortunate! Arlee: Why? Did yis not have a map already? Dickus: Eh.. not exactly, like eh, the auld GPS is actin’ up... we woulda had it back in no time like, but this is an excellent back up! Well done! PAt on the back there lads! Busher: And when were you going to tell us that hah? Dickus: It’s not important now. What’s important is you start givin’ me some answers here Moleface. We’ll start with you Jagger... Jagger: Hah? Dickus: See? What is this? He can’t hear me! You heard me? Why not him? Jagger: What’s he talking about lads? Heheee... you make no sense. Arlee: I have no idea. Dickus: JAGGER! Jagger: Hah? Dickus: HELLO?? Jagger: Stop shoutin’ at me! Dickus: JAGGER!!! See? No answer again! Tucker: He’s on some auditory bi-cycle... Dickus: JAGGER!!! YOU FOOL!!! I’ll BAYTE YA!!! Jagger: AH!! Stop it! Dickus: Hello? Jagger: Stop that shoutin’! Ahhh! Dickus: Look! He’s gettin’ angry, he’s geeeeettttttiiiiinnnnn’ Gabbler: AHHHHhhhhhhhhcchchchchch... (SLOW DOWN). Dickus: Now-time-is-slow... you Gabbler, take-this! (smaaackkk) Gabbler: AHH! AHHAHA! (Speed up) Busher: (Speeding up) Are we warpin’ or what the fuck? PEAH! Tucker: This is mental! (FAST). Dickus: OK OK OK OK, CALM DOWN CALM DOWN GABBLER... (SLOWS)...AHA! It’s as I expected! Get Jagger angry; he slows time, get the Gabbler angry; he speeds up time! Arlee: That’s insane! I-I-I ... I can’t get me head around that! Dickus: You, you with the nose... Arlee: Name’s Arlee Davidson, Ratchly’s greatest DJ. Dickus: Describe the sounds in your head. Arlee: I can’t... Tucker: Go on Arlee... tell him... Dickus: Tell me! Arlee: But it’s just, they’re nonsense! Just loud garbled sounds, I can’t make head nor fuckin' tail of them. Dickus: Just say it best you can. Arlee: Okay... (Backwards) “Second Egg, Second Egg, Savage Second Egg, follow the map of moles to the reach the Second Egg”. Y'see? Jagger: That sounds backwards like when me cassettes get fucked up in the tape machine. Dickus: It means somethin’, it must do. So, you; slowing time, you; speeding time, you; mad sounds. Tucker has over-intelligence and Busher with the moving mole-mountains. What have we got here eh? Some sort of “United Mutations” or what? MEHEHEHEH! Gabbler: United Mutations? Wow. Tucker: I-I-I ... I never thought like this before, like I never really used my brain at all. Now I can handle the pressa! Oooiight! I am a human Exabyte! Able to think it all out! It must have been when... Dickus: Yes? Tucker: When... Dickus: Yes? it was somethin’ alright. Busher: Are you saying we’re freaks? Arlee: Shut up Busher will ya? Jagger: What is it Tucks, are, are we mad? Tucker: ... wait... it must have been when, during the fight out at the factory with your lads Dickus. Lilo McGregor fell into the Vat of Mutagen and that gunge splashed everywhere! Jagger: Ah wheeeezzzeee! Yeah, I nearly fell in but thanks to the belt on me flares saved me. We all got covered in that jelly. Arlee: Fongin’ Fortycoats! Ever since that day, Lilo McGregor disappeared from my head and this new sound built slowly up in my head over twelve fuckim' years... more and more... Harder faster longer louder and in bloody reverse too! Gabbler: That’s why Pat Moley broke up with me... After that time he never wanted to see me again. I was so alone. That’s why I got into conspiracy theories, and reporting the Soupalon invasion. Which was REAL! And I was RIGHT. And FUCK You!! Busher: Peah... I always had moles and I was nowhere near the factory twelve year ago, but but... PEAH! Somehow with Baldy next door and Laura... I must have picked it up from Laura... Aw no... Arlee: How Busher, how’d you do that? How’d you get this pox like us? Busher: … I don’t know. Eh… Well, I suppose… I-I-I used to steal her used toothbrushes an’ n’ n’ other things right, from their rubbish bin... I had me a horde under the bed and I may have put one or two in me mouth... once or twice like... Tucker: WOT? They may have shared a toothbrush Busher! ... Did you ever think of that? Busher: AH Gross! WHA? PEAH! AHRGH! SPIT IT OUT! Baldy in me mouth! No! NO! Jagger: What did he just say? Arlee: He may have gone other places too with the toothbrush I reckon hehheheh. Busher: MAMAAAY! Tucker: That’s how Baldy became pregnant! Of course! Makes logical sense now! He got jellied like the rest of us. Fack! Dickus: The Vat of Mutagen. The factory foreman Gerry Freely set it up for us... that was for the... ah... actually I don’t really know... but I’m sure it was... eh... for the good of Earth Society! Busher: PEAH! MMMNNLLLMMMLLL. LIAR! Tucker: What was that green jelly for Dickus? Dickus: That’s not important now, what is, is you lads have been infected with a MUTAGEN! You are all MUTANTS! Skilled up and all powerful! Jagger: I slow down time! Heeheheheeeee!!! Good for workin’ out the riffs in songs! Don’t need to go to Waltons anymore... Arlee: Why did you get a good one? I got schizophrenia! Tucker: Oh no... Gabbler: What Tucks? What is it now? Are ya alright? Tucker: NO! I’ve realised that I don’t know how to control my superior intelligence! Oh Look! Rigel... It’s a bright one... on the scale of magnitudes it’s in the negative numbers which means it’s very bright and numbers on the opposite end up are very faint. So Sirius has an MV of -1.42, our Moon -12.5 and the Sun is -26.5! Oiiright Rigel! -1.36! Gabbler: Yeah yeah and Brussel Sprouts are like pubic hair Arlee: Aha good one Gabbler- Jagger: What was the joke lads? Dickus: So we have the United Mutations heh? And Spikus, we have a map! Busher, get your face into the cockpit till we get to the Savage Garden! This is going to tear the skin off your eyeballs... 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

Baldy: Urghgh. Get off me yis bastards! Ginger: Meeowwww... Brindle: Ah, the pregnant one called 'Baldy'... Please, sit down, oh, but you probably can’t. Baldy: Evil twisted burglarising festered ignorant- Brindle: Yes Mr Destiny, I’m glad you accepted my invitation after your treatment. I have prepared a nice presentation for you. Tonus: I bow in such presence of greatness. Touch it gently... touch it gently... Touch it, touch it. It’s all ready for you Overlorder. Mnnng. Brindle: Ah... yes... one moment.... It... I set it up earlier... and now, mmm… it doesn’t seem to work... Tonus? Baldy: Doesn’t work does it? Ah, that’s a pity...  Tonus: She may have a virus. Brindle: You are the one with the virus... Baldy: If it’s alright with youse I’d like to lie down and hope to die soon. back in the cell if you don’t mind. Ginger: Meooow. Brindle: Ah ha! Now, where was I? Baldy: Talkin’ shite as usual. Brindle: And yet you seem to understand it quite easily don’t you Human. Tonus: AH! Sickened! Sickened! Gotcha on that one, gotcha on that one he did HENDRIX! Brindle: Here on the Savage Garden, we aim to- Baldy: Boring. Brindle: Uhuh- here on the Savage Garden- Baldy: Fuck you Tracksuit. Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me... Brindle: Would you like more treatment? Baldy: No. But that’s not the point. Brindle: Baldy you make no sense as usual. Allow me to present our most wondrous of experiments and blow your tiny docile mind. Baldy: No I won’t. Brindle: Won’t what? Baldy: Allow you. I’ll just sit here and look at the wall if you want sure, makes no odds to me. Ginger: Meeoow. Brindle: Well then I’ll just present it with your passive participation. Baldy: (flicks lighter) Why did you kill my daddy? Brindle: Mmm Baldy, another pathetic interruption? Baldy: Go on, answer the question, why did you kill my Daddy, what did he have to do with anything? Brindle: He had served his purpose. Baldy: Sure what purpose did he have? Brindle: We’re on a strict timetable here Baldy, your questions will have to be ignored. Baldy: Why’d yis kill Tom Kendall? Brindle: Because he was in the way of you delivering your destiny’s child! Baldy: Why tho’? Brindle: LIE DOWEN!  Baldy: I won’t! Brindle: Tonus! Restraint the fool and I shall continue my presentation. Tonus: Shuttup uglylad! (Testie Tazer). Baldy: Ahhhh! Ginger: PHSST!!! Brindle: This! ...is the Savage Garden; where Soupalon will reverse engineer the modules of the human mind, breaking down the thought processes to base intuitive mechanics. There are 16 mind modules and eight gardens. In each garden two modules shall be tested. We shall combine these base instincts with Soupalon ones to improve the human through magnetic resonance and brainwave stimulants... Baldy: Y-y-yis are playing GOD. Brindle: Yes, you believe in a God don’t you Baldy? Now all you need is to believe in us and this time we will actually deliver. Baldy: We decide on our own, thanks. Brindle: Soupalon will improve you. Baldy: We don’t need improving. We don’t need none of yers, (lighter flick) education. Brindle: Then you are, as is obvious, wilfully regressive and actively ignorant. Baldy: If we’re ignorant, we’ll sort it out amongst ourselves. Brindle: No, there’s been too much time for that and nothing has changed. Once our Savage Garden core data is amassed, then biochip implantationing-ing shall begin on Earth. Your planet is witness to carrying out a large scale mental and physical experiment, Baldy, and you are its key, and the secret to its success. Baldy: I’m no-ones key. I am me! Y’s’ll never genetically modify us all! Brindle: Start with the beans and move forward! Maybe we will mutate humans into physical representations of you Baldy; right down to your painfully binary mind. Tonus: Heargh! GRAB IT GRAB IT! GRAB IT! Ngggg… A Nation of Uglylads! United under one big tooth!  Brindle: Soupalon shall control the population- Tonus: LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! Release the lethal VIRUS! Baldy: Y’s’ll never do it! Humans will fight! Resist! No bags of chips for us! Brindle: Those who refuse will be outcast, untouchable by benefit, care, money, housing, work or of any relevant status. Zero-people vs the Forever People, which one you think they will chose Baldy? Baldy: They choose life! They choose freedom! Brindle: Your child may disagree, Baldy. Baldy: You leave my baby alone! Brindle: Sean the Degus! Sean: Yes Overlord? Brindle: Request attendance of the Savagery Pedup Bauer... Sean: Yes Overlord, expongulating Savagery Pedup Bauer- Pedup: “Pedup Bauer, Pedup Bauer, Akkkshshsh...” Sean: Pedup Bauer, Overlord Brindle requests attendance in the Orb. Pedup: “Fuck Yis… I’m seein’ doublery… Pedup Bauer… Pedup Bauer, Pedup Bauer, Akkkshshsh.” Tonus: HENDRIX! (Mimics Purple Haze). Narrator: Who can stop these Soupalon plans of Earth domination? We return to find Busher and company going cross country… Arlee: Ah now but if you tie her in a clinch knot then th’chandler’ll never fall off till she’s in the craw of the rainbow. Busher: Peah, what IS he sayin’ and what the fuck are you wearin’? Did you kill all the animals for that coat yourself? Jagger: Hah?- Arlee: D’ya fish Busher? Busher: Hah? Only when I go to Dolly the chipperses for the €2.50 Cod & chips. Tucker: I know it’s this way lads, follow me. Arlee: Best fishin’ around lads is best done over that hill there I’d come down with the daddy in the jumper the mammy made me. So we’d skin her in over the fence when the fly was low an’ lure the lads with the spinners.                  Busher: Whatever, I’m not listenin’ to ya. Where are we goin’? It’s startin’ to rain now sure. Are we supposed to be in the Ballygannorn woods... Arlee: Usually tho’ in the high season, we’d use the bobbers to get the strikes... Jagger: Can I stop and drain the flute? I’m burstin’. Tucker: Save it Jagger. Busher: Are we there yet? Arlee: Had to be careful though, ya had to jigger it all the time and watch out for the aul’ trout fallin’ off. Jagger: Will me trout fall off if I don’t have a piss Arlee yeah? Ah no... Arlee: What? No, the jiggerin’ Jagger, jiggerin’! Ya gotta jigger the fishin’ line! Jagger: Tell me! Is it goin’ to fall off or what? Busher: Peah, yeah, sure the bone in your mickey starts meltin’ due to the build up of pissy acid. Tucker: Heheh. Correct trajectory is up this gradient, boys. Jagger: Whatcha say? Busher: Ah, just come on. Here Tucker, it’s gettin’ quare’n dark. Arlee: Good time for the trout, Jagger: I can’t see. It is fierce dark lads, hiheee. (Rustle in the bushes) Tucker: Shhh! Pipe down boys. We got company. Busher: Bastards... Jagger: Oww owww mmmnngg- Arlee: Stop the jumpin’ Jagger. Tucker: It’s over there... See the shadows, look... Busher: Is it them? Peah! Action! Tucker: Dunno. Ooh, ooiright, it’s coming this way. Shhh... get on yer honkers lads n’ we’ll lep on it when it passes. Jagger: I’m on for that, yeah, I’ll do that. Busher: Peah, action... finally, doin’ nathin’ like gobshites. Arlee: Reel ‘im in lads, reel in the fongin’ aliens... Tucker: One... two, th- Busher: NOW! Tucker: Aw fuck it! Busher: ARghgh! GOTCHA! Jagger: Hah? What?? Settle!!! Settle! Arlee: Ahh ahh! Diggin’ the talons into me!! Dirty f- Gabbler: AHHHH! TAKE ME YIS OUTERWORLDERS!!! ARGH! Busher: Mammy! fecker! Patrick! I recognise that voice! Arlee: Stop with the nails. Tucker: It’s the feckin’ Gabbler lads! Gabbler: Eh-huh? What? Jaysis, it’s youse lads! Busher! Jagger! Wow I-I-thought I was a gooner there lads, taken up to the ship and subjected to probe after probe where they suspend your foreskin on hooks an’ all! Busher: Gabbler, what are you doin’ here? Gabbler: I’d ask youse the same. It’s two minutes to midnight. Tucker: We’re here to find Dickus Soupus. Jagger: Hah? Tucker: Dickus Soupus, Jagger. Gabbler: The Soupalon? He’s come back to Earth? Tucker: He’s never left it mate. Jagger: Yeah, Tucker thinks he’s our way to what Busher told us. Gabbler: About Baldy and Laura, yeah, Busher: And Ginger, peah!!! Gabbler: I can’t believe it! I knew there was a scoop! I smelt it... Tucker: Yeah, but how the fuck do you know anythin’ at all Gabbler? Gabbler: Sure I’m a journalist aren’t I? Busher: Shyeah- Tucker: No, I mean, how the fack did you know about us in the first place? Jagger: (To himself) – ♫ Lord of this world, Evil possessor, Lord of this world, He's your confessor nowwww... ♫ Arlee: You weren’t at the Chemical Factory Gabbler. Gabbler: I was. Tucker: Never saw ya. Busher: You know too much Gabbler. Go on, spit it out. Gabbler: Eh? Arlee: Go on, go on! How’d you know it all? Gabbler: Alright, alright, I was there, but I didn’t see anything. I was locked in the back of Gerry Freely’s car... Tucker: You wot? I was drivin’ that car! I took Gerry’s keys from the locker in the chemical plant and drove to get Lilo McGrega’s motha, try have ‘er stop his self-mutated hybrid monster from killing everyone! Arlee: That Gerry was one turncoat bastard! He was one of the first to join them aliens to make money for the chemical plant. I knew he was a bad egg. Tucker: A propa cunt.  12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

As Baldy and Ginger look trapped upon the Savage Garden, we return to Earth and to Tucker and Arlee at 4 Hollyberry Terrace (in Ratchly)… Tucker: It’s the jerk! The jerk! It’s in the angular jerk! I fackin’ knew it too. Ah, Newton, you took your bloody time. I’d’ve got that even before me mid-mornin’ crap! (Makes tea, switches on 'The Sweeney' on tv) Arlee: Ahhh Uggggn! (Backwards) “second egg, second egg, savage second egg, follow the map of moles to the reach the second egg”... (More backwards voices)... Ah new sounds Tucker! I’ve got a new entry straight in at number two! Tucker: Wha? Look! The angular jerk Arlee! Based on my huge astronomical projection, the acceleration, or rate of change of velocity, is derived from the velocity in respect to time. That gives us the hyperbola! Yeah, of course! Acceleration can arise from a change with time of the magnitude of the velocity or of the direction of the velocity, or both! But usin’ the parallax only the magnitude, v, of the velocity decreases, but generally any change in the velocity with time, stickin’ the ‘jerk’ in, including deceleration, takes us straight to feckin’ SOUPALON! Arlee: (Voices in his head) Aghghgh! I’m doin’ me nut, why is it gettin’ louder? Tucker: If I stuck a VU metre on ya Arlee would it register 90 decibel? Arlee: How the fuck should I know? Tucker: I should put a DBF in your earhole! Then you’d know! Ooiright! I’m full of the beans tonight! Arlee: Big bald bean in a polo neck... (Doorbell rings) Jagger: (Outside) Hihihih! Howayis! It’s Jagger… Open sez me! Heeeeargh. Tucker: ♫ There’s somebody at the door! There’s somebody at the door!! There’s somebody at the door! ♫ (Unlock) Hello Jagga! Jagger: Wheeeeze! What’s goin’ on? Are youse stoned? Here, I brought Ned Busher with me, he’s got some mad shit to tell us! But watch out, he sometimes tries to mouth the words but say nathin’! Busher: Retard… Howaya Tucker. Tucker: Oooiright! More the merrier! Come in the merrymen! Arlee, pipe your sounds down, we got company. Arlee: It’s not fongin’ RTE Radio yunno! I can’t just switch the shite off! Busher: Peah, am I trippin’? What are yis all jumpin’ around for? Crazy jumpers! Polo necks and tank tops! I’m in the 70’s… Phwizzz! Maybe this was all a big stupid mistake, a trick of me mind, Mammy said there’d be days like this after all the hash. Tucker: What ya havin’ to drink Busher? Busher: Wha? Oh, eh, cola please. But lissen to ME! Tucker: Ice? Busher: Yeah whatever, b-b-but NO! NEVER! ROBBER! LIARS! MAMMAY! Settle down yis pack of woolly hippies, they’ve taken Ginger! PHWIZZZ! GONE TO THE SKIES! Tucker: You wot? Shut it Arlee, put a pillow on it! Arlee: (Pillow muffled) HEY! Is that the queerhawk Busher? Busher: Pyeah, what did that ‘Tank Top’ just say Jagger? Jagger: Wha? Tucker: Why are you here Jagga? I haven’t seen you in years mate, you’re lookin’ rough... Are you takin’ care of yourself? Jagger: I’m alright Tucks, I’m fine... You have to listen what Ned has to say... Go ahead Ned, we’re listenin’... Busher: Right... I was in me house earlier today when I was, eh, watchin’ Laura next door... Jagger: Ah here if you’re going to say nothing then I’ll tell them... Tucker: ‘Ay? What you doin’ Jagga? Busher: Mmng’ burst ya bastard!. Jagger: He’s afraid to say it and then he wants to burst me? Go on Ned take your best shot! I’ll take ya, put Jagger on the map. Tucker: Oi! Less of it! Calm the fack down and spill the beans lads! We’ve got some news to share too... Busher: MAMMAY! Jagger: Alright, listen, Busher was at home wipin’ the soapy flog in the bathroom lookin’ through a pipe at Laura next door havin’ a shower... hihihiihihih (Flashback) Busher: Oh Laura, phwizz! Why d’ya choose him? He can’t even satisfy ya! Not like I could anyway… Ginger: Meeow (jumps, scuttles away). Busher  Don’t you go next door to that bastard! I know they’re feedin’ ya, turnin’ ya against me! Ginger! Ginger! Come back here! (Alarm sounds) Busher: Hah? Laura’s back already? It’s not even lunchtime. Quick Busher, bathroom! Hope she keeps the routine now. (In Bathroom) Right, peah, what to choose today; rackflap or boxflap? Phwizzz! Both! Where’s the Boys2Men CD? (Shower curtain rail flings open. Shower FX). Oh, ooh, there you are... oh lovely Laura... Ooh you make me sick, you’re so beautiful (/flashback). Jagger: Ah Ned, you are sick... Busher: Shuttup right... what’s it got t’do witcha? Jagger: See? Lost for words he is! Anyway, next thing he sez he saw Baldy, n’ Laura being- Busher: An’ my GINGER being kidnapped out the window by some hovering orb! A spaceship! Jagger: Now he speaks… Tucker: A wot? Arlee: Did you say spaceship? And Baldy? We saw a spaceship streak cross the sky through Tuckers massive Tesco telescope! Tucker: And it’s goin’ to Soupalon! I worked it out. Jagger: Yeah, Baldy and Laura, must be goin’ to Soupalon, you’re right! Busher: Pyeah! The Gabbler was right for a change, youse DID fight the aliens and now they’re back! FUCKSAKE! What am I gonna do? Tucker: Thank god you’re a pervert Ned, otherwise we may never have known. Jagger: That’s it! But we always knew Ned’s a pervert... Busher: Fuck off! Arlee: Lookin’ down the pipe eh? How much did you do that? Every day? Was it good was it? Did ya, did ya see much? Did you tape it? Busher: None of your business phwizzzz! Arlee: It is now tho’! I’ll buy ‘em off ya. Jagger: Calm down Ned. Tucker: You never believed us Busher, you, like the rest of them, you never understood... Busher: Sure how could anyone believe that bullet-belted eejit with the big tooth? He’s off with the revolting stories and Laura’s leathery bits! Tucker: Sit down Busher... Arlee: Mind me DJ bag. Busher: Peah! Youse are always sittin’ me down for the next bit in the story! Tell me standin’ up for a change will ya! Tucker: This may come as a big shock Ned... Jagger: Do you want me to tell him Tucks? Tucker: What do you think I’m doin’? Arlee: Hold yer fire Jagger, Tucker’ll say it... Busher: Hah? Say what? This is worse than the X-Factor. Tucker: Baldy formed the resistance for a reason. Arlee: Coz he was the first who saw the aliens, he was the first to be suspicious. Jagger: And do you want to know why he was the first to notice? Busher: Wrong place, wrong time n’ fell into it, knowin’ that gobshite! Tucker: No mate, he was chosen... Baldy was meant to be revolting. He was meant to find the hermit Bop hiding in the Ballygannorn Woods- Jagger: Ah Bop, yeah, he was fierce funny... like that fella in, eh, yunno the film with the Star Wars lads in it? The one in space... with Han Solo n’ all... Arlee: Star Wars? Jagger: Hah? Tucker: Bop was a Soupalon put here to seek information on Earth and Ratchly was selected. Jagger: The legend of the seekers... Busher: Yeah, yeah I know all this, Gabbler already told me, but I want to know what we are going to do about it. Tucker: Busha, you ever heard of ‘Eugenics’? Busher: Who’s he? Arlee: No ya fool, Eugenics is the controlling of human reproduction in order to reduce the number of those that society see as inferior... Jagger: Yeah, to create a ‘master race’ with the best genetic characteristics... Huargh! Sick fucks. Busher: But what does this have to do with Baldy Kendall? Tucker: Baldy Kendall, my dear Busher, brought the Soupalon invasion to its knees in the battle with Holtus at the Ratchly Chemical Factory. It was only natural that he be chosen, as the most revolting human, to initiate their Eugenics project here on Earth... He was perfect... Busher: Perfect for what? You’re talkin’ shite! Sure how is that possible? He’s fuckin’ stupid! Arlee: No, he’s the one alright... Chosen to replace the doomed ‘Insemination’ project of ‘99. He’s the key to it all. They knew there would be a specimen to put up the strongest fight, and love him or hate him; it was Baldy. Busher: But it’s been 12 years! Nothing has happened, why now sure? Why kidnap Baldy if he’s workin’ for them? Unless he’s a fuckin’ spy for them bastards and it was all a big show to take Laura and my GINGER! Why do they want my Ginger? Jagger: Ah Ned, he’s not a spy, he’s not workin’ for them. Tucker: Baldy’s the key to the end of the world. And he only knew about it recently. But it was a long time coming mate, they’ve planned it all. Busher: What ya sayin’? Why recently, why long? An’ who put that loser in charge of the planet? I thought that was only for the black lads. What do yis mean? Speak English will ya! Tucker: He’s the first one Busher! Baldy is the first one in the Eugenics project, don’t you get it? The Alpha... The seed... The numero uno! Jagger: Come on Ned, cop on... Busher: Yis are talkin’ riddles! If you’re sayin’ them aliens are controlling human reproduction with the strongest seed, sure how could they start that with Baldy? He couldn’t even get his hole with his girlfriend and I know for a FACT he’s never been at Laura, his ‘so-called’ wife! How can he ‘reproduct’? FACT! AND he’s as thick as two short planks! FACT! Sure looka, if he’s not workin’ for them then the only way that Baldy could even start to spawn some super-intelligent race of aliens for them, was if he was... was... if he was, uuuh PYEAH! I feel sick… Jagger: That’s it Ned, hihihih, the penny’s dropped. Wheeeze! Busher: You... are-fuckin’-jokin’ me… Arlee: It’s true... Busher: Seriously, all messin’ aside, peah, look me straight in the eyes and tell me that- Arlee: Yep, Busher: No! Tucker: Yep... Baldy is PREGNANT. Busher: Peah! Youse are some twisted fucks! That makes no sense! Arlee: That shook ya... hah? Jagger: He’s the daddy alright Ned.  Busher: Did somebody spike my cola? Baldy’s pregnant, we’re all going to die. Tucker: These are the FACTS Busher, only the FACTS. FACT; Baldy’s pregnant… It’s him, the pipefish and the Seahorse now as nature’s male mothas. God knows if he will ever pop one out of him and how he does it is beyond me, but FACT; They’ve kidnapped him now and it’s something to do with the pregnancy. FACT; A pregnant human male will be quite useful for them Soupalons to try engineer another invasion and FACT; Whatever it is, it’s gonna start soon and we gotta stop it. Jagger: No lyin’, that’s the truth, wanna spark up? Arlee: Go on then Jagger... I’m on for it. Busher: Peah! And why are you wearin’ a stripy tank top? It’s annoyin’ me. So last decade! Arlee: Better than your blue v-neck jumper anyway Busher. Busher: This is too much… I need to sit down... 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong in a small village in east Ireland named 'Ratchly', Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

Brindle: There… is your answer, a brief stop off on our way back to your impending sacrifice to the Soupalon High Council. They will marvel and be not a little taken aback at how you pathetically embody human resistance to our world. And as for you pointing out my predecessors; Holtus was a vain creature. And Dickus? Well the absconding Dickus will soon be joining you, as soon as we take a moment here on the 'Savage Garden'. Baldy: 'Savage Garden' eh? Yis’ll be under the fertile earth by sundown, ya sneery bastard. Brindle: Such sharp ignorance you let slip through your yellow teeth. Here we are now. You will get to see our more experimental designs upon ‘your’ planet... Baldy: Get yer paws off me ya tool! (Door hatch opens). Brindle: Ah Tonus… Tonus: HENDRIX! Mmmnnng… Grab it grab it. WOOO! Baldy: What’s wrong witcha ya Soupalon freak? Brindle: Tonus! Behave. Tonus: Grab it grab it! Brindle: He was never fully perverted to your planet’s form of speech patterns- Baldy: Not like you then eh? Say your voice’d be a hit with our women, just like Holtus was with my ex-girlfriend, Hazel. Then you’d get the crusty lizard out and some creamy flanger would fry yis alive! Tonus: Arghgghhghhgh!!!! Grab the groin, grab the groin! Overlord Brindle, you have brought HIM! The LAD! The MAN!! His LAD! HENDRIX! He who shall lead us into the illumination! He is the one! Of all places, HENDRIX! GRAB IT! GRAB IT! To the Savage Garden, with me, Tonus! GO FOR THE WICK IN IT! FOR THE WICK IN IT! Wooo! Baldy: Hah? Brindle: Tonus, explain yourself. Ginger the Cat: Reeeor… Tonus: OOOOW! And the little furry monshtar! Haha! The little furry monshtar with the four legs. Look at him. Oooh lovely. GRAB IT GRAB IT GRAB IT! Allow me to show you Overlord... MNNNNGGG! FOR THE WICK IN IT! Ah, here, ah here, ah here, ah here, no... in a minute... in a minute, there in a minute... I’m puttin’ the make-up on... right here, yeah, ok now you can look! LOOKA! Looka! Look will ya?! Brindle: Tonus, please stop rubbing and pushing... it’s most unwelcome.  Tonus: Ooooh… Ooh, oooh, oooh, ohh, oooh… Baldy: He’s going to shoot the load n’ kill us all. Ginger the Cat: Rerrowww! Tonus: HERE! Look here! Look here! Behold, three two one... mmmnnng,  the ‘Yellow Tooth CODE’! The Yellow Tooth Code! Seeee? Touch-dowen! Baldy: A scrawny picture of some lad with some squiggly writing. Brindle: It’s our most ancient text, Baldy. Tonus: And HE is in IT! THERE! With the furry monshtar beside him looka lovely, furry monshtar, the RED BEAST, here! Look, the starchild to the right! It’s him Overlord, HIM! HENDRIX! Baldy: He’s not right in the head that lad, is he? Brindle: Sickness had marked him for one of its own. Tonus, put back that no doubt valuable copy of the ‘Yellow Tooth Code’ and stop with this nonsense. I can credit this human as being the most revolting in history but attributing him the status of the Leader of the Illumination is going far beyond stupification... Tonus: But look at the big Yellow Tooth! No other in the cosmos like it! GRAB IT GRAB IT GRAB IT! GO FOR THE WICK IN IT! GO FOR THE WICK IN IT! Guinness please... Baldy: What’s wrong with me tooth? Brindle: LIE DOWEN Tonus, LIE DOWEN before I PUT YOU DOWEN! Tonus: (Screams and runs away...) HE is HERE, HE is HERE! Woooo! Brindle: Sorry Baldy... Baldy: Fuck off. Narrator: Meanwhile, in the Ballygannorn Woods… Dickus: Catch it Spikus, catch it!               Spikus: It’s too fast! Dickus: Shuttup Spikus will ya, I have to set it! I can’t set it if you don’t catch it! She’s the bait! (Cat screeches) Spikus: I’m cold Dickus: Grow more hair then! Spikus: I’m hungry- Dickus: Will you leave me alone ya beggar! I’m tryin’ to get us lunch. It’s not easy with you there hopin’ around grabbin’ your groin. Come on fuss fuss... come on... AHHH! Gotcha! (Cat snared). Spikus: I don’t like this food. Dickus: That’s coz you eat your beard at the same time. Here we are. (Strangles cat). Spikus: Diiiickus... Dickus: Comes out same way as it goes in dunnit? Dog, cat, bird, rat, it’s all energy to keep you goin’ an’ not cakkin’ on like some old craw. Save it! Stoke up the fire, goo’lad, I’ll skin the dinner. Spikus: Diiiickus... Dickus: Spikus! If Bop could hide out in these Ballygannorn woods forever, then we can survive long enough to get what we need to get the fuck out of here! Spikus: Those words are, hhhh, bad. Dickus: I know. That’s why I like ‘em. Them words and the old trouserses are great, but that’s about it for this wretched place. Imagine them humans wanting all the time to believe in another outer-world sentient life-form? Did it ever cross there pathetic little minds that we wouldn’t want to go near these ungrateful bastards in the first place?!  Spikus: Unless we’re sent or get lost... Dickus: Spikus, we’ll be out of here soon ok. Flush the negativity! Spikus: Then what? Face death for dissertion from the Soupalon High Council? Dickus: I said leave it to me will ya. Go get sticks. We need more fire. Far t’much greasy air in this place. And here, try not to stab yourself again. Spikus: We’re going to die, either here from the rotten food, rotten atmosphere, h-h-h-h, or from the hand of whomever The Boghead sends to get us. We’re going to die like Bop, ripped apart by a big hybrid mutant- Dickus: Doom doom doom! That’s all I hear. I’m surprised you’re still as stupid as you were before! Spikus: Not funny Dickus, right? Dickus: Spikus, stop the yakkin’, it does us no good. Bop was not Dickus, and Dickus is not Bop... y’understand my lopsided hairy loon? Spikus: The Boghead, remember, our master, sent Bop here to Earth to collect information. He never came back! We were sent by The Boghead to find. H-h-h-h, Bop as our invasion was to begin, he was a liability, YOU said it would be “no problem”... Dickus: It WAS no problem! Spikus: Then he escaped, we crashed, and Bop helped the humans form a resistance! Dickus: That WAS a problem. I admit that now, yep. Spikus: We’re so dead. Dickus: I can kill you quicker now if you like! Gettin’ on me nerves Spikus, gettin’ on ‘em. Haven’t we got the bones of the shoupshuttle here? All we need is a few more bits n’ bobs from that dump of human scrap down the hillock there and we’ll be away! Spikus: You better be right Dickus. I can’t take anymore of this place, it does my head in. Dickus: I’m with you there Spikus, I think the Soupalon High Council did wrong in forming life on this planet. Soupalons like Bop and Holtus in charge, sure what do you expect? Couldn’t even “dispirit the humans into unquestioning servitude,” Waste of space... Spikus: How long did you say we’ve been here now? Dickus: About as long as the blackened hooks on the end of your feet Spikus. Come on, more traps to set. Catch that stankin’ meat! Catch it! Narrator: Meanwhile, up the mass path near Toomey’s Brook, a forestry worker waits… and waits… Jagger: Yeah, yeah, come on, you can do it, yeah... concentrate, concentrate, think of the flowin’ rivers... Go on... Ah n-no no, not Mrs Bruno, get out, I don’t want you, your husband’s a police officer... Stop touching me... Ah... I can’t do it! Heee, I can’t do it! Go on, you know you want to... but what about the pissin’? Ah leave it for now, come back later, fresher, ready to go, ok you’re right, just the one then... hihihihih... (Sparks up a doobie). Busher: (Bangs door!) Open up Jagger! Jagger! ... ... (silence)... I can see you Jagger for fucksake! (Bangs door) Stop hidin’ behind the curtains and open this door! Phwizzzzz! Jagger: Ah howaya Ned, I didn’t know it was you, I swear, I thought it was the pigs... or Mrs Bruno wantin’ the fat arse rode off her... Busher: What are ya shitin’ about? Just let me in, I have to talk to ya!!! Jagger: Wha? What ya say? Busher: Open the door Jagger!!! It’s BUSHER! BUSH-ER yeah? Jagger: Ah sorry Ned, I didn’t know it was you... hang on... Busher: (Whispers) Fuckin’ stupid hippy.... pyeah... (extended silence)... JAGGER! I’m still here yunno! I haven’t gone away,  now fuckin’ open it! Jagger: Wha? Busher: For the love of United, open the bloody DOWAR! Jagger: Ah yeah, alright Ned, calm down, it’s alright, come in... moy castle is yeah, yo-yours... n’ all.. Busher: What are ya doin’? Jagger: Wha? Busher: I said what are ya doin’? What are ya doin’? Lissen to me! Jagger: Ned, I can hear ya, don’t have to repeat yourself, do you want to roll a joint? I’ve started on a fat one. Busher: Jagger! No! No rollin’! No! The aliens are back and they’ve taken Ginger! Ginger’s gone! Jagger: Wha? Busher: Yes, she’s gone! TAKEN! ROBBED! BASTARDS! Jagger: Who’s been robbed Ned? Your mother? Busher: What did I just tell you ya sheepskin cunt?! Ginger me cat! And they took Laura too, and the gobshite Baldy... I saw the Gabbler about it and he told me to see you.., god knows fuckin’ why tho’...       Jagger: Your lips move… but I can’t hear what you’re sayin’ Ned, are ya tryin’ to freak me out? You tryin’ to get in my head? Busher: Stoppa! JAGGER! Lissen! I-know-you-are-a-fuck-head... but-this IS SERIOUS! HELLO? Jagger: Stop shoutin’ Ned will ya, I’m not deaf! What’s so ‘serious’? Busher: ALIENS! Aliens I told ya! THEM! Them Soupalon bastards have kidnapped Ginger, Laura and the Baldy idiot... Jagger: You’re at it again Ned, stop it, you’re not gettin’ in... say it, just say it, I’m ready for the truth, but first you have to let me hear it... Busher: PHWIZZZZ! MAMMAAAY! JAGGER! I’ll burst you now in a minute! PYEAH! LISSEN! Aliens...taken...Baldy...Laura...Ginger... went to GABBLER... Soupalons... are...BACK...come...here...see...the... retard... for... answers! Jagger: Calm down Ned, did you say ‘Aliens’, Soupalons are back? Baldy? Taken? Fuck me Ned, that’s serious... why didn’t you tell me? Busher: Ahhhhh... cunt! Jagger: Cunts is right! You don’t want to mess with those lads, but we have to do somethin’! Yeah, we need to go to the Tucker! Busher: Pyeah! That’s it, now you’re talkin’. Where does he live? Jagger: Right, yeah, do you want to know where he lives? I can bring you there... Busher: What’s wrong with you Jagger? Jagger: Wha? Busher: You are one dozy fuck... Take-me-to-Tucker. Jagger: Why you actin’ like that Ned? I said I would! Don’t fuck around Busher... I can see you. I know you Busher... it’s written all over your face... Busher: Shut up mad lad and take me to Tucker! Jagger: Yeah, speechless now Ned aren’t ya, no words now... (excited) I’m in your head... can you handle it? Are you ready for it Busher... I don’t think you arrrrrrrrrrrrrre... (Time slows down). Busher: Yaaaaaa fuuuuucccchhhhhinnnnn’ bbbbbooooolllloooooccchhhhsss.  Why I am I standing here talkin’ to a freakshow dressed in a sheepskin coat and big beige UGG boots! PEAH! Jagger: Woaw. Did you feel that Ned? The whole place went mad. Busher: Pyeaah! Your face warped, that was ff-f-fucked up! What’s goin’ on? TELL ME! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME JAGGER! Did you drug the fuckin’ air or wha? Jagger: It’s alright Ned, say somethin’, get it out... I’m here for ya... Busher: Am I going insane? Jagger: Ned, I have to play you some of me new music, it fuckin’ rocks, I was workin’ on it all last night and today, you’re the first one to hear it, you get the premiere! Here, right, are ya sittin’ down? Busher: Ah no! Every time. Every time I’m fuckin’ here… Jagger: Oh yeah! It’s called Beneath the Clouds of Venus... (click play). Busher: We have to go! JAGGER! Stop with that shite. Stoned eejit. We have to go to Tucker’s! Tucker’s!!! Listen to me! Jagger: What do you think Ned? Busher: Mmgg... Yeah, it’s fuckin’ brilliant! Let’s go see Tucker! Jagger: You think so? Thanks, but yeah, you’re right Ned... yeah, see Tucker, tell him the news. Come on, what are we waiting for? Busher: Oh Ginger... dear sweet beautiful Ginger... I hope I find you... 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

You beautiful mutants. This is for you. Cave bestiam! A sci-fi wretch. The first 20 minutes of the story of ‘Busher’, of ‘Laura’, ‘Baldy’ and of ‘Ginger the Cat’. A story of outcasts who outlast, of losers who lead, of cretins who create. This is not Sparta, this is Star Trek gone awry. Possibly better than Blake's 7, it's the United Mutations… Busher: Get out of me way! I don’t CARE! Say nartin’ to me or I’ll burst ya, Where is he... 24, 26, 28... Come on come on... Pyeah! Woolly Pierce: Nedward! You’re late for work- Busher: What do you want Woolly Pierce? Woolly Pierce: Did you just spit on the street? Busher: Leavew me alone right?! Woolly Pierce: Stop that! Busher: I won’t! Make me sure! Fuck off right! What’s it got to do witcha anyway hah? Woolly Pierce: BUSHER! Busher: Stick your job! Leave me ‘lone, right?!  Ah HERE, 30 Main Street! This is it. (Thumps fists on door)... Gabbler! Open up! Pierce: You’re nothing Busher! You’re a loser! A fool! How dare you speak to me like that, I’m a respected member of Macra Na- Busher: Gabbler! Gabbler: Is… is that you?? What do ya want? I can see you through the hole!! Has me Millenium Falcon arrived? Are you the postman? Busher: Open up! FUCK YOU! Gabbler: Fuck you too! You’re not Postman Declan! Busher: Not you, him! Pierce: Nedward! You’re fired! I’ll report you to Garda Gilbert. Busher: ROBBER! USER! Open up Gabbler, I have to see ya! Pierce: Shocking standard, you know something Busher- Gabbler: Busher? Busher: Come on Gabbler will ya, it’s important! It’s about the aliens! Gabbler: Aliens? What do YOU know about aliens? Busher: Too fuckin’ much, peah, now open the door! Fuck off Woolly Pierce! Gabbler: Alright... you better be who you say you are... (Click) Argghhh! (Busher bursts in). Busher: Close the door, lock it! Doors. Windows. What the fuck is all this Lego doin’ here? Gabbler: I collect it. Now, calm down ya felcher, calm down, stay still. Busher: They took Ginger!! GINGER! MAMMY! TAE! PATRICK! PEAH! WOOLLY JUMPERS! SPEND! MAEN! MISERABLE! VICTOR!  Gabbler: Stop it Busher, stop it! Busher: GINGER! Gabbler, GINGER!!! Phwizzz! Into the skies! A flyin’ bucket! Phwizz! GONE! MAMMY!!! SWEETS! LAURA! Gabbler: Shut up! Shut up! Busher: GONE! GONE! FLY! CHARTS! SWEETS! SPEND! SINGLES! EMMA-CAROLINE-CATHLEEN-LAURA FWIZZZZZZZZZZ!!! Gabbler: Ahhhhhhh!!!!! (Suddenly, everything speeds up, Busher’s voice, clocks spin, lights buzz) Gabbler: STOOOOP! Busher: What happened? Ah, me head. Can’t see. Gabbler: Holey Moley... Busher: It’s dark. B-b-ut, I just came here at 1pm. It’s night time... It’s night time? Gabbler? What’s goin’ on?     Gabbler: I-I don’t know... I don’t know Busher, it’s it’s... time flies hihih?? Busher: Pyeah Gabbler, tell me about the resistance. Gabbler: What resistance? Busher: The ‘resistance’ to fight the aliens twelve years ago when they took over the town with a big plastic bowl TELL ME! Gabbler: Why Busher, why? Why do you want to know? Why are you all sweaty n’ half dressed? Busher: Because they’re back! Gabbler: Back? Who’s back? Busher: Them! The fuckin’ bastards who took Ginger! Lissen to me! Gabbler: Who’s Ginger? You’re not making any sense! Busher: They, them, THEY took Laura and Baldy too! In a spaceship! Come down, peah, took ‘em out of the bathroom window and flew off into the skies, that’s who them are pyeah, will ya lissen to me ya fuckin’ idiot! Gabbler: Say that again? Who did you just say? Busher: Baldy! They took Baldy and Laura and my Ginger in their ship! An hour ago, lunchtime, earlier, before, what fuckin’ time is it anyway? Gabbler: I-I-, You, you saw this Busher? Busher: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! Saw it ALL! Everything! They were kidnapped!(Flashback to Soupalon abduction of Laura, Baldy and Busher’s cat Ginger) Maltus Brindle: Yes! Good news for ‘Earth Lovers’, Soupalon saves! All aboard! Come on now Baldy. Busher: It’s a-it’s a- hah? Hah? ALIENS? Abduction! Maulder! Picard! RYKER! RED ALERT! Abducting Laura and the other gobshite! Ginger The Cat: Reeeor! Busher: AND GINGER! Ginger no! Wait! Hey stoppit! Yis can’t! Patrick! Mammy! No! Help! Help! Ginger! He’s... They’re takin’ ‘em! In a flying bucket! Aaahh! Trousers... ankles... GINGER! MAMMY! (/Flashback) Gabbler: (Calmly) Holy Pat Moley... Sit down Busher. Busher: Wha? Gabbler: Sit down Busher! This is serious. Busher: Wha? Whaaa… Gabbler: Sit down. I have much to tell you. Busher: Fwizzzzz.... Gabbler: If this is right what you say... Busher: It fuckin’ is too, peah! Gabbler: Then they’re back. They, Busher, are the SOUPALONS, a race of aliens from the Scutum constellation some 5 light years behind Sirius. They came on a ‘Clinkership’, to harvest humans for their own uses. They came here twelve years ago an’ it was Baldy Kendall who discovered the truth as his girlfriend at the time; Hazel was found off diddlin’ a new factory worker on the sly, so Baldy followed him to the factory… (Flashback) Baldy: Right then Gerry, you’re time is up… (/Flashback) Gabbler: an’ an’ an’ saw a spaceship, an’ an’ local factory foreman Gerry Frehley with them! (Flashback) Baldy: He wasn’t dumping something, it was worse! He was waitin’ for somethin’, and that somethin’ was a big fuckin’ alien spaceship! I’m not jokin’ lads… (/Flashback) Gabbler: The workers were drones sent to plant seed in the local girls Busher! Busher: Shite! Gabbler: No messin’. So Baldy formed a resistance, in Dessie Morgan’s Pub... (Flashback) Baldy: Can’t just stand by and let our world be taken over for whatever purposes… (/Flashback) Gabbler: With Jagger and Mauldy Jordan, Tucker Wilson, Arlee ‘the DJ’ Davidson and big Miley too... Busher: Fuckin’ losers the lot of ‘em, but Miley was good for the hash tho’. Gabbler: The breakthrough happened when Laura found the key to the alien weakness. Vaginal cream! She unwittingly had sex with one of the drones- Busher: Phwizzzz! Lovely Laura saves the day! AHAWW AHAWW! Gabbler: -in their attempt to inseminate her, they got cremated on the spot by her hot flanger! Hihihihih. (Flashback) (Drone worker exploding) Mauldy: Sick! He exploded! (/flashback) Gabbler: ...so armed with the creams from Tierney’s Pharmacy they joined up with Norman Tash, local teacher and sports trainer... Busher: I hated him. Never gave me any support in the team... ‘Bring the gear Wednesday, we’re playin’ Annamoe’. No Tash, I won’t! Peah! He always tried to spin me round in the showers and slip it ferociously between the cheeks of me arse.  Gabbler: He did not! Busher: He fuckin’ did; ‘Busher’! He said… ‘Busher! Always keep your hole clear! A clean hole is the way to goal! Clear it with the finger boy! Clear it! Futchafutcha’! He was always at me! Gabbler: Well he never touched me. Busher: Count yourself lucky so, Gabbler: What’s wrong with me? Busher: Hah?- Maybe he just didn’t like you Gabbler! Gabbler: Am I ugly or somethin’? Is my arse not as good as everyone else’s? Busher: That’s coz the shit comes out of your MOUTH most of the time. AHAAW HAAWW! Gabbler: Anyway! Sort of gone off the topic right? So, as I was sayin’ the resistance had the secret weapon; ‘vaginal cream’. But the aliens too had a new weapon, a local tool called Lilo McGregor.... Busher: Lilo McGregor!? Sure he was my next door neighbour. He was some dose of shite... big freckly head and the foghorn voice! No wonder he disappeared around that time. Peah. I thought he just went off to find himself, as he was some lost cunt in those days. Gabbler: Sure they abducted him! Used their technology and created a metal motormouth from him... You could hear his boom for acres and acres. Shockin’! So to fight this right, the new wave resistance teamed up with Baldy’s new mentor ‘Bop’. Busher: Mmm Bop? Now who was he? Gabbler: He was a hermit out of Ballygannorn Woods. Some say he was the first of their lot here to examine us... He must’ve changed sides halfway through tho’, gone over to the other team like... saw the lure of what was really right and true and the right thing to do at the time... I don’t know tho’... Busher: Traitor! User! Turncoat! Liar! Fwizzzz! Hate them all! Gabbler: But Busher, he helped the resistance train up to fight the aliens! Busher: Don’t care! Don’t cayor! Gabbler: Then right, then in the Ratchly Chemical Factory, there was a big venture to a clearing and they bate shite out of each other until the aliens left. Busher: Horray! Pyeaaah! Great charts! Gabbler: But there were casualties... Mauldy was dead... Lilo McGregor, his mother Etna- Busher: Bitch... Gabbler: all destroyed... Busher: Good enough for them. But, but, how did you find all this out, were YOU part of the resistance? Gabbler: Sorry Busher, a journalist never gives out his sources. Busher: But you’re not a journalist, you’re an unemployed conspiracy theorist! How are you able to write all about this stuff n’ know all the details? And how can you still afford Star Wars Lego? Gabbler: That’s not important Busher! Your information means that the aliens are back and they are planning something... Busher: What tho’ what?! Gabbler: What indeed... You have to go see Tucker, Arlee or Jagger, they still survive, I hope. Maybe these Soupalons are looking for them... you’d better be quick! Busher: I don’t care who tells me what or if any of this is even true, and I’m having one mother of a trip right now but, I need to get Ginger back! I LOVE HER! SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND! Gabbler, tell me, where do they live? Gabbler: Jagger lives up the Mass Path near Toomy’s Brook, past Spruce Way... And don’t forget to say that I sent yis! (Door opens). Good Luck! Busher: Pyeah fucksake... (Door Closes). Fucksake… Gabbler: (Click, rewind FX... play part of Busher’s speech, click stop.) This is it Gabbler! This is it! This is the big supa SCOOP! 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.

Freud: Nein Nein Nein! Holmes: No, no! You got to believe me Doc! It’s all true. Tomathy wanted me to see you. He’s gone off the charts with the monkey balls in him, and I’ve been trying to cover his rampant sickness and all that time, that little voice in my head pushing, “Tick tock Tarquin!, Tick Tock Tarquin! Ah! Ah!!!” Again now! It’s wild with the anger!!! Help me!! I’m Madden the Head, must make it orderly! Must make it orderly, that’s what I do! Ah! Freud:  What? Oi! (Slaps Holmes’s face) Awww jaaa, I see what you mean. Holmes: Please tell me, am I going insane? Freud: Well- Holmes: Tomathy wants nothing more to do with me! Freud:  Shut up! Please. I believe in the truth, knowing oneself and that the truth will set you free. Holmes: But how Doctor Freud? Help me! Must make it orderly!! Tomathy, he needs me! I have to see him! He’s gone to see that Murphyarty, he loves him now! (HOFBURG PALACE - 3) Murphyarty: Oh good! I am so glad you are happy you see it my way! So you will be delighted to learn that Seamus, our Catholic socialist friend, will step in and make a call to Herr Freud’s house? Seamus? Seamus: Yes sir. Tomathy: Oh no, not at all, I’m sure you would find it valuable to sit in on the session Seamus. It would help you with your seminarian studies. How the mind works and all that… I trust you. Seamus: (STERN) I will go then. Murphyarty: Same can’t be said for poor Mr Holmes. He can’t even trust himself, as I control him! Hahahaha. Constructed him and controlled him. All this time. Amazing isn’t it? Just a simple trick of suggestive recall, repeated daily in my cell as he, the head orderly, cleaned and took the brain of my first experimental assassin ‘Wendle Brindle’ away! Tomathy: Assassin? Brindle? Did you say Wendle Brindle? In a cell? Murphyarty: Yes! In the City Mental Reservation when I was imprisoned there. Your Holmes, or ‘Tarquin Madden the Head Orderly’, programmed him to break me out, and used a lead-lined wooden lunchbox to continue the suggestive recall of my instructions in his mind! To kill Michael Collins! Isn’t it magnificient! And it worked! Hahaha… More tea? Tomathy: Oh- Murphyarty: As you said, it’s not schizophrenia! Just good old physiological brain disturbance, caused by Tarquin Madden’s mother! Tomathy: Oh my- Murphyarty: She gave him the ‘bad brains’. His mind was porous from a dominant parent. I simply replaced her- Tomathy: I feel very sick- Murphyarty: And he set us free, with Tarquin hypnotised into believing himself an inmate on the run. Tomathy: I need to close my eyes… (BERGGASSE 19 - 4) (Slap) Holmes: Aaagh! Freud:  Wake up! (WHACK) Wake! Up! Holmes: Ungh!!! (COLLAPSE) Freud:  It is an illusion based on the infantile emotional need for a powerful supernatural father figure, Holmes: Unggfff... Madden the Head... Orderly... Make... Freud:  Nein! (WHACK) Holmes: Urugh! Madden, orderly... Head orderly... Freud:  Nein, nein, nein, ja! Unt enter the world of the mind unt the world of the imagination (WHACK) Holmes: Aaagh! Freud:  Wake up! (HOFBURG PALACE - 4) Murphyarty: Tomathy, you look like you have seen genius at work! Mm, and you have! Wendle Brindle went on a killing spree caused by ‘Aubrey’ / ‘Tarquin’ himself, which you, an amateur sleuth fascinated, by this scruffy oik, who stole his suit, could work with, to satisfy his detecting curiosity as the growing stature and respect of the idiot savant Aubrey, with his wooden lunchbox; ME, became apparent!  Tomathy: Please stop- Murphyarty: He did my bidding! All is well Tomathy! You are with me now! Oh, and, wait, there’s more, you went to Germany! An amazing confluence! My time with Aubrey was gone but there he was. I had been subsequently caught on the run in the Irish Free State and transferred to Landsberg prison where; you all were for some reason? Tomathy: We were in Munich to go for relaxation, Murphyarty: Fantastic! It really is. Tomathy: To Spa treatment, we had an interpreter, we went to a beerhall, Murphyarty: Inside, I read a lot on this Herr Doctor Sigmund Freud. His id, ego and super-ego are functions of the mind rather than parts of the brain and they do not correspond one-to-one with actual somatic structures. Tomathy: We got arrested… Murphyarty: Perfect for more programming of poor old Aubrey’s porous mind! Tomathy: Oh no- S-Seam- why are going to Freud’s apartment, Seamus? Seamus: I, eh, well it’s like this Mr Wilson- Murphyarty: He does more than serve coffee and cake. He must kill your Mr. Holmes of course. I am done with him. Tomathy: What? Murpharty: As you said you are. Tomathy: You can’t! You- evil… Black Velvet Man! Oh my, why, Holmes just was right! Murphyarty: From the mouths of morons comes light! (Opera flares up) Tomathy: …about everything. You evil bastard. You live inside his mind, inside that box, directing him, a master, a master- Murphyarty: THE master! Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams hahaha, ehh… Tomathy: A master of puppets! Murphyarty: Try the pancakes! Tomathy: Holmes! No! Seamus! Come back! I have to stop this. It’s my fault! Murphyarty: (SLAMS TABLE) Is this not what you want? Tomathy: HOLMES! (RUNS OUT) OOOH! Murphyarty: Fly, fly my pretty, Seamus: Sorry Tomathy, it’s my job. Murphyarty: (SHOUTS) Seamus?! Seamus: Yes Mr Murphyarty? Murphyarty: Kill Them both. Seamus: Sir… (MUSIC CRESCENDOS) Murphyarty: Ahh, a rousing composition. (Applause) Dignitary: Excuse me, Herr Murphyarty? Murphyarty: Mmm? What do you need? Dignitary: The Society has asked if you were able to invite Chancellor Seipel along with you to your lecture this evening at the new Festsaal Grand room? Murphyarty: I’m sure I can construct that for you when I see him, but- Dignitary: Oh he’ll be back here by three. He is visiting the great Sigmund Freud at 2pm. Murphyarty: Hahahahaha! He will have a story to tell me when he comes back! Hmm, a cup of tea please and a digestive... Tick-tock, tiiiick-toooock! (BERGGASSE 19 - 5) Holmes: Ufff... Tick tock Tarquin! ... Madden... Head Orderly... City Mental Reservation... Madden the Head! Freud:  JAAA! That’s good! (WHACK) Holmes: Aaagh! I’m, I’m, Tarquin Madden, Head Orderly at the City Mental Reservation, working in the criminally insane wing! And then there was him! HIM! Freud:  Ja. Who? Who?. (WHACK). Holmes: Ahh! He was incarcerated as a threat to the ‘fledgling state’! He spoke to me from his cell. In the cell on the left of him was young Wendle Brindle and then O’Toole on the right. I drove Wendle Brindle mad with tales of my mammy as I cleaned up, she used to leather me with a slipper every night for the bad brains in me! Pegged me tongue to the washing line! Wendle was too sensitive... And the man in the middle, he knew it, and he was angry! Wendle was his. And I took him away from him! Freud:  JAAA! Who? Unt Why? (WHACK) Holmes: Uhhghh, Wendle was under his control... control… total control… Das Über ich! The Total Controller! And I took him away. He befriended me... he was nice to me and he... oh no! NO! NO!! Freud:  Aww Ja,a and that he may have been a pervert or a seducer (WHACK) Holmes: Arrhgh! He was! He made me believe! NO!! He used me! I, I, got my keys and I, Tarquin Madden, Head Orderly of the City Mental Reservation, I set them free.. All three! Wendle! ... O’Toole! And, and- Freud: Ja- What’s his name, hmmm... Holmes: Oh god help me no! It’s- (GULPS) Freud:  Ja, that’s it, ah, such evil. Holmes: It’s.. ah! - RICHARD MURPHYARTY! RICHARD MURPHYARTY! Gerbil: Hello Tarquin!!! Time to die!!! Goodbye! (DISAPPEARS) Freud: Ja. Holmes: Ah Murphyarty, he programmed me!! From inside this box! Freud: Ja. Holmes: AH! And he has Tomathy! He’ll kill him! Freud: Why? Holmes: NO! (LIECHTENSTEINSTRAßE - RUNNING) Tomathy: No! No! No! Come on Tomathy! Use your monkey powers! Seamus: HEY! You can’t outrun your destiny. Tomathy: Please, please Aubrey, there’s nothing in that box! Nothing! Only the projections of another’s controlling ways. Holmes! Seamus: Tomathy Wilson! Tomathy: Berggasse street! (Coughs) Seamus: Sorry Mr Wilson, sorry it had to be this way. (CLICK OF TRIGGER) Tomathy: Oh my! Seamus: It’s ok. It won’t hurt. Well, it might hurt, a little bit. I wouldn’t like to see you suffer. (BERGGASSE 19 - 6) Holmes: (slapped) Aaah! Freud:  Wake up! (Slap) Wake… Up! (Slap) Holmes: Argh! Stop hittin’ me ya bollocks, I know who I am! Oh sweet lord, I am alive! Murphyarty! He’s behind it all. He had me believing I was on the run, he implanted me with his sick evil seed to do his bidding! To kill. And now the deep dark devil, the ‘Black Velvet Man’, has Tomathy! (GUNSHOT) Holmes: Guns! What’s goin’ on? Aw, please no! Freud:  Oij! (Window open) Holmes: It’s Tomathy! He’s ok! Tomathy! I know the truth! I know who I am! I’m coming! Tomathy: Holmes! It doesn’t matter! It means nothing! You were right all along! Holmes: YESSS! Thanks Doctor Freud, you ARE a fuckin’ genius! You bate the truth out of me! (RUNS OUT DOOR) Freud:  Danke. Holmes: (RUNS IN) Ahhh, forgot me box! Gerbil:             PUT ME DOWN! (BERGGASSE 19 - OUTSIDE) Holmes: Tomathy! Tomathy! I know who I am! I am ‘Tarquin Madden’! Head Orderly! Akskskssksksh! Gerbil: GAAAAH! Put meeee down! Tomathy: I’m sorry Holmes! Holmes: HAH? I can’t hear ya! I’m so happy! Aksksshshsh! Tomathy: I don’t care about the truth! Holmes: What’s this? Why are you bleeding? S-S-SEAMUS?! Seamus: Sorry lads, but youse both have to die. The, the feeling is gone- Tomathy: You and I, it means nothing to me! Seamus: (TO HIMSELF IN TEARS)… this means nothing to me. (CLICK OF GUN) Mental Holmes III - Oh Vienna! Is an Amplevoicepod HQ audio adventure podcast. The newly reinvigorated Tomathy Wilson has taken Aubrey Holmes to Vienna to seek out famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. But not before they run into old friend Seamus Byrnie working at cáfe Diglas on Strobelgasse. Therein a chance meeting with the mysterious Professor Murphyarty leads them to visit the Wiener Konzerthaus at his behest. In the lobby they meet Austrian Chancellor Ignaz Seipel and all hell breaks loose once seats are taken. Culminating in the worst possible of situations and the fracturing of a friendship. Only Sigmund Freud has the answers. Das Es, Das Ich, Das Uber Ich! An id-laden 72 minute adventure to find out who exactly is 'mad in the head'? Another foley-filled, action-packed, highly-aural adventure from Amplevoicepod.

Holmes: That’s it… Fuck all squared… Lost on the streets…. Walking… Hours… All night… Because Holmes; is alone. Gerbil: Tick tock tick tock Tarquin! Time to return! Holmes: You! Gerbil: He is Das Ich, you are Das Es, I am Das Uber Ich! Holmes: Where were you when you were needed? Gerbil: You must go back, take the blame, take the shame. It is who you are! Save your friend! Holmes: From what? He’s not my friend anymore. He’s a user! He’s got ‘Black Velvet Man’ now! Gerbil: Take the blame, take the shame. Retuuuurn! Holmes: I trusted you to get me out of these situations. I did what you wanted. I followed you. Why were you gone? I’m getting suspicious now. Gerbil: Everything will be all right. Holmes: You weren’t there when HE was around… Gerbil: Don’t think! Do! Holmes: Tomathy too, he wasn’t himself… Gerbil: Tick tock Tarquin! Holmes: Who is Tarquin? Is he me? What am I? Am I mad-in-the-head? I don’t know anymore. Sure I never did. But I can’t stay alone forever… I’m here for a reason! Gerbil: We have work to dooooo! Holmes: Yeah! Tomathy disowned me. But it wasn’t him. He was under the influence of his monkey balls or something, something… Like some evil… Gerbil: Stop thinking! Start doing! You are das ES! Instinct-no-think, instinct-no think! Holmes: Hang on! Sure if I’m the ‘instinct’; that means I do what I want. Tomathy’s the ‘Das Ich’ and he does, what then? Gerbil: He controls you… Regulates you… Holmes: He controls me?? AKSKSKSH! Sure I controlled him! I took all the blame! I took all the shame! He was the one doing what HE wanted! Getting naked! Eating vomit! I had to jump in to save him! To eat his shit to take away his shame! For he was supposed to be refined, and, and gentle, a soft soul and a true- and he fuckin’ turned on me! He betrayed me! He, he defriended me! Gerbil: You must take back control, to give him back his control… over you… Holmes: Ah here… I’m lost! I was ‘instinct’ but then I lost it… Tomathy took it, as he was ‘control’, but as he took ‘control’ he gained ‘instinct’ and shit on the table… and then, so… uh, and you in the box, you’re the wha now? Gerbil: I am Das Über Ich! Holmes: I see… So like, the ‘ich’ means Tomathy, so should be ‘control’ as you said, and, so you’re like ‘above the controller’… you’re like; The Total Controller??! Gerbil: YESSSSS! Nyyessss! Tick tock tick tock! Holmes: I have no idea what’s going on, but I’m going to find out! I’ll do it for Tomathy and then he’ll take me back. I’ll go and find this Psycho Freud fella! He’ll know won’t he? Gerbil: NOOOOO! Cancer-jaw cancer-jaw! You are wasting time! Return! Return! (HORSE & CART) Tomathy: (STERN) Holmes! Holmes: Tomathy! Gerbil: Losing controoool! Holmes: You see! It’s Tomathy! Tomathy: Get in! Holmes: Aksksksh! I knew you’d come looking for me! Tomathy: Be quiet. I’m doing this against my better judgement. Even Richard Murphyarty advised me against it. But he doesn’t know! He’s waiting for me at the Hofburg Palace… But it’s near noon now and I arranged this meeting for you… Holmes: (HAPPY) Ah Tomathy! Which you is it? Have you snapped out of it yet? Tomathy: I’m more concerned that the genius Freud in his frail health has made time to meet you and it would insult him not to show up. And this is the last thing I will ever do for you Holmes. Holmes: But… wait… If, if he fixes me… We can- Tomathy: Beastly behaviour- Holmes: Uh, we could take the train home together? Tomathy: I can’t save you, you’re on your own. Holmes: But Tomathy- Tomathy: Don’t forget your breadbox. You’ve forgotten everything else- Holmes: Not snapped out of it yet then… Tomathy: Manners, civility, decorum, one’s place in ‘the great chain of being’. I mean, look at this box… (OPEN BOX) Holmes: Don’t open that! (Box opened) Tomathy: See? See? Nothing inside! You see? Nothing! It’s all you Holmes. Mad in the head! Mad in the head! Holmes: I shouldn’t leave you Tomathy, (shuts box) you’re not safe! I have to save you. Tomathy: Goodbye Holmes. Holmes: Well that was fuckin’ hostile… (HORSE & CART DEPART) (OPENS BOX) Nothing in here no? Gerbil: ARGGGH! YOU FOOL YOU FOOL! WRONG WAY! We have work to doooo! Holmes: Fuckit! Get back in your box till this is over! Number 17, number 18, ah, Doctor Sigmund Freud. Number 19… Alright so… (KNOCK ON DOOR) Gerbil: ARGGHGHGH! No! No! (BOX RATTLES) Holmes: Shut the fuck up! (DOOR OPENS) Freud:  (CLEARS THROAT) Pffft! Danke… Holmes: Eh no, not you, eh, because, hello. I am here to see you. Freud: Unt Why? Holmes: Em, because, eh, listen, my name is Aubrey Holmes, how are you today? Freud: What do you mean ‘how am I today’. Am I not doing well today? Holmes: Hah? No, excuse me Sigmund Freud, my best friend thinks I am mad-in-the-head and maybe you can help me. Freud: Who told you that? Holmes: Eh, eh, ‘Tomathy Wilson’ did, he phoned you, you agreed to see me! Freud: Oh ja ja, I see. Holmes: Can I fuckin’ come in? Freud: Well, cough, of course. (HOFBURG PALACE - 1) Tomathy: Sorry I’m late Richard. Murphyarty: Not at all. I’ve reserved us the best seat in the house. Tomathy: I have an admission to make… I found Aubrey and took him to see Doctor Freud. That’s why I’m- Murphyarty: (cape waft) Did you now? Why did you do that? You know what we spoke about. Tomathy: He needs help! I brought him here for that very reason! I know Doctor Freud can help him. Murphyarty: Ha! Poor Mr. Holmes may consume Freud with his affliction! All that trouble for nothing. It is not so difficult to deconstruct your former friend, Tomathy. Tomathy: What do you mean? Murphyarty: Centuries ago, people like ‘Holmes’, people who ‘heard’ or ‘saw’ things that no one else could, were venerated as messengers of God, glorified as mystics or feared for possessing evil forces. Today, the explanation tends toward a physiological brain disturbance, perhaps a chemical defect. Tomathy: Yes! Why Richard, that just might be it! He’s a schizophrenic, right? Murphyarty: (SMILES) Glad you can keep up with the mundane… but no. Although many people with schizophrenia have auditory hallucinations, not all voice-hearers are schizophrenic. Schizophrenia is a diagnosis based on several symptoms that can include paranoia, distorted sense of reality and blunted emotions. Tomathy: So it might not be schizophrenia? Murphyarty: Tomathy, I like you. You are a man of sensibility most of the time so I will educate you. Maybe Mr Holmes has hidden sexual meaning in his hearing voices? Tomathy: Ooh, I say, steady on. He batted a straight wicket all the time I’ve known him, well, until Vienna… Murphyarty: You told me about the operation… in Munich with Doctor Voronoff? You were unconscious… Holmes said you had monkey glands inserted in you and indeed your genital pouch, upon inspection, was quite gargantuan. It could certainly explain your descriptions of heightened but dissociative feelings. Tomathy: I don’t know when it starts or what happened after it ends, if anything happens at all. I just feel out of my body somewhat… Murphyarty: But what if you were ‘taken advantage of’ while upon the slab, by a deviant, who had groomed you for that very moment… Tomathy: Excuse me? You mean ‘buggered by Aubrey’? Murphyarty: Maybe you feel out of body because he strayed inside your body. Tomathy: (Fart) Urrgh! Murphyarty: Studies suggest a biological basis for it. People who hear voices are occasionally plagued by commands to commit violent or regressive acts. Tomathy: No, no, no, Richard, no, I simply refuse to believe that. Murphyarty: Well believe this Tomathy. That operation has changed you, changed your relationship, charged the air with something that Mr Holmes was obliged, almost responsible, to alleviate here in Vienna. Why? Was he guilty? Transferring this by way of taking the fall for your excessive outbursts of depravity? Tomathy: My, my what now? Murphyarty: It was you who spoiled your clothes at the café, it was you who behaved immorally at the opera and it was you who defecated upon the table at Café Central. I was there. I saw everything. Tomathy: What? But you said- oh no… It was me? I did all of th-I can’t remember! Murphyarty: Trauma such as this, can be omitted from the memory for the protection of one’s sanity you see, you’ve simply blocked it out to save yourself. Tomathy: Uugh, you mean, I am a monster?! Murphyarty: Yet here with me now, in these salubrious surroundings, you are at peace. Why is that? Tomathy: Yes, why is that? Murphyarty: The same reason that I said it is not too difficult for me to deconstruct your ‘Mr. Aubrey Holmes’. Tomathy: Why Richard, why? Tell me! Murphyarty: Because I constructed him! And I control you! Tomathy: You eh, what? Em-again please? Mental Holmes III - Oh Vienna! Is an Amplevoicepod HQ audio adventure podcast. The newly reinvigorated Tomathy Wilson has taken Aubrey Holmes to Vienna to seek out famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. But not before they run into old friend Seamus Byrnie working at cáfe Diglas on Strobelgasse. Therein a chance meeting with the mysterious Professor Murphyarty leads them to visit the Wiener Konzerthaus at his behest. In the lobby they meet Austrian Chancellor Ignaz Seipel and all hell breaks loose once seats are taken. Culminating in the worst possible of situations and the fracturing of a friendship. Only Sigmund Freud has the answers. Das Es, Das Ich, Das Uber Ich! Another foley-filled, action-packed, highly-aural adventure from Amplevoicepod.

Tomathy: Four? Inside me? Four balls? When I was- Doctor Voronoff? Urgh! Why didn’t you tell me Holmes?! Holmes: I was just about to! I was too busy covering for you! Tomathy: Four balls? I can’t- I ca- (Flashback to Doctor Voronoff shooting monkey) (Holmes: Aaaagh!) (Voronoff: Let’s cut into Mr. Wilson’s scrotum… Like this…) Tomathy: Monkeys? Monkeys?! Seamus: I’ll get a bucket. Holmes: Y’see Tomathy- you didn’t know you had it in you. It’s probably why you can’t remember. Hopefully now you’ll understand. Tomathy: Is this why I want to poo in my hands? Holmes: Yep, that’s why. Now, do we have a lunch-date with ‘Black Velvet Man’ or what? Tomathy: Unnngggnnn. Bucket!! (CAFÉ CENTRAL, HERRENGASSE) Murphyarty: Chancellor Seipel, as discussed last night; there will be no social unrest. Seipel: Blah blah blah? Murphyarty: My influence extends to many eyes and ears. Seipel: Blah blah blah blah blah-? Murphyarty: Yes I was. Incarcerated twice; once in Cork, Ireland, as an enemy of the state no less, then transferred to Landsberg prison (cape waft). And now I am here, to help and guide you Chancellor… Seipel: Blah blah-blah? Murphyarty: Broke free? Haha, you joke Chancellor. I was set free. The name ‘Tarquin Madden’ mean anything to you Herr Seipel? No, I didn’t think so. Anyway none of this matters. People must perish for the future to advance, don’t you believe Herr Seipel? They have their use, and then… they don’t… You do the work you need to, for so must I. And now, I take your leave. I have guests arriving. Good day. (Cape waft). Seipel: Blah Blah Blah! Murphyarty: I’m afraid Chancellor, one cannot avoid fatalities. But I am sure, you will not be one, as this great chain of being moves on. (CLICKS FINGERS) Seamus! Seipel: Blah Blah Blah! Tomathy: Seems as if our Herr Mr Richard Murphyarty was brewing up something big in Vienna that night. Meanwhile, I picked my jaw up off the floor. From the discovery that I contained two foreign primate testes on my person, and headed once and for all to get Aubrey Holmes, and his obsession with his lunchbox, fixed! Tomathy: I told you Holmes, I’m doing it, especially now that I know what you did to me… Holmes: Me? What did I do? You wanted the spa treatment, I was the one trying to stop- You said you were in his hands-ah it’s no use, you don’t listen anymore! Gerbil: Wrong way turn back. Wrong way, turn back! I am das Über-Ich!    Holmes: Fuck up! Tomathy: Shut up, it’s ringing… Shhhsh!! Oh- oh Hello? Am I speaking to the eminent Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud? Ah hello Herr Freud. My name is Tomathy Wilson. I have a case that may be of interest to you. A-a-a- yes, Tomathy Wilson! Yes-but-yes- no, it’s not a strange name. Listen, eh- hahaha- my friend’s name is ‘Aubrey Holmes’ and he’s forgotten himself you see. Yes. Not a sausage. And he talks to his wooden lunchbox. Oh? Really? You would? Excellent! Would-eh-would-of, of course, I-would tomorrow at noon suit you Herr Freud? Marvellous! See you then. Thank you. Goodbye. (HANGS UP) Success! Gerbil: NOOOOOO! Holmes: ARGH! THE BOX! Tomathy: Success Holmes! Herr Freud accepted to see us tomorrow at noon. What the bloody hell are you doing now? Holmes: It’s not me, it’s the box, it’s vibrating, you can see it can’t ya? Tomathy: The closer we get to Freud the more you act up Holmes. Now just pull yourself together and calm down. I’m trying to come to terms with the most absurd of revelations that I contain monkey glands and they make me do involuntary things of which I’ve no control or recollection thereafter… Holmes: Can you not see it vibrating? Am I madden the- Tomathy: Atatatat! I haven’t finished! We’ve, or rather, I’ve, a lunch date with Mr. Murphyarty and you’ll not do a damn thing to cause a scene, am I clear? I blame you for all this. Holmes: Curse a fuck on it! What’s goin’ on? I’m trying to help you- Gerbil: Tick tock tick tock! He has betrayed you! He will not help y-(FADES QUICKLY) Holmes: Where, wait, what, where are ya goin’? Speak to me? Hello? HELLO? Tomathy: Ssshhhst! Ah hello Richard! So lovely to see you again in such immaculate surroundings… Murphyarty: I see Herr Wilson you have brought your most distinguished companion. Tomathy: Please forgive me Richard. He simply goes wherever I do. Were it up to me I- Murphyarty: Heheh nonsense, I am sure Mr ‘Aubrey Holmes’ will be a delight at lunch and the near 50yr old surroundings shall do wonders, to quell his temperament. Holmes: Uh? It’s stopped vibrating, soon as I sat down… devil… dark… deep devil… Murphyarty: It’s still, I can’t, you, all of you, and that box Mr. Holmes. Is it a new box? Tomathy: Oh he’s had that in his arms since the day I met him. Murphyarty: When was that? Tomathy: August 1922, in Cork, the Free State… Holmes: Any pancakes? Do you know where I can get pancakes? Murphyarty: Around the time the new leader Michael Collins was assassinated? Tomathy: That’s right! On Mbeal na MBlaaa?! We were actually- Holmes: (COUGH) He’s opened the gob full wide! (TO BOX) And you’re nowhere! Murphyarty: And tell me, because I feel as if I know you Mr. Holmes. Have you ever visited the Cork Mental Reservation? I was there, for a brief time, on matters which don’t concern this conversation. Tomathy: Remarkable! We were there too! We were investigating, well I mean, it’s all quite complicated really, there was a murder, and well I’m a bit of an amateur detective, that’s how we met, and eh, yes, we went to visit a suspect’s mother there and that’s where we then met Seamus! He was a prison guard! Can you believe it? Holmes: Who’s working for you for some unknown reason? Murphyarty: Can’t get good people anymore to do one’s bidding can you? Holmes: Why’s he staring at me? Stop looking at me ‘Black Velvet Man’! Tomathy: Holmes! Your manners! Murphyarty: Oh no damage done. This is truly wonderful. You wouldn’t believe. Tomathy: I tell you, after what I’ve just been told, I could just about believe anything. Seamus: Would you gentlemen like to order anything from the menu. Holmes: Fucksake! You are everywhere! Madhouses, beerhouses, cafehouses… Murphyarty: But not in your box mmm? … Seamus works for me; my personal manservant. He’ll do anything. (LEANS OVER TO HOLMES) Anything… Holmes: He’s fierce close to my face. I’m gettin’ an urge… Tomathy: Calm down Holmes. Richard is just teasing, aren’t you Richard. Richard? Murphyarty: Excuse me gentlemen for a moment. Seamus, come with me. Seamus: Yes mast- sir. Tomathy: Now look what you’ve done! You’ve offended him with your gestures! Holmes: Me? You stop telling him the whole lot! You can’t keep secrets! Tomathy: There are none to keep, you bounder! Unlike you, keeping the fact I have alien primate parts in my body. (Fart) Holmes: Hanging from your body actually, and you wanted it! Tomathy: I did most certainly not! And quiet! You’re doing it again… Holmes: Doing what? Making a show of you? You do that yourself! I came here to Vienna with you. Didn’t want to! But you bounced off in your monkey balls, which I tried to stop, pulling me here to see a man to brain-fuck me in some sick hope of making you happy! And then when I try to make you happy, take all the blame to save your reputation and enjoy the posh stuff, you shit on me from the heights with actual shit, in your trousers! Tomathy: Y-y-y-you didn’t tell me the truth! Holmes: No no no!Tomathy: I have been violated! Holmes: You wanted it! I told you I tried to stop you… I even fuckin’ saved you, when, when the doctor ran away! That was me! Tomathy: What do you mean? Holmes: Ask the dozy Seamus! He was there, until he ran away too! They all ran away on you Tomathy! But not me! I stayed! I cared! I sewed up your big four-ball sack and brought you back from the dead, with telephone wires! It nearly killed me so that you’d live! Tomathy: That’s it Holmes, I’ve just about-ha-ha-ha-ohohohohoh… Holmes: Uh-ooh… What’s goin’ on? Tomathy: Oh-ooh-oh-ooh-oh! Holmes: Eh, there’s a change come over your face Tomathy! What are you getting up on the table for? Tomathy: (MONKEY GRUNTS) Oh-oh-oh-oh- (UNZIPS, UNBUCKLES) Holmes: No, no, there’s no, you don’t have to take your trousers down… again… in public… especially here on top of a table… hah, Tomathy? Tomathy: (TROUSERS DOWN)… Mental Holmes III - Oh Vienna! Is an Amplevoicepod HQ audio adventure podcast. The newly reinvigorated Tomathy Wilson has taken Aubrey Holmes to Vienna to seek out famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. But not before they run into old friend Seamus Byrnie working at cáfe Diglas on Strobelgasse. Therein a chance meeting with the mysterious Professor Murphyarty leads them to visit the Wiener Konzerthaus at his behest. In the lobby they meet Austrian Chancellor Ignaz Seipel and all hell breaks loose once seats are taken. Culminating in the worst possible of situations and the fracturing of a friendship. Only Sigmund Freud has the answers. Das Es, Das Ich, Das Uber Ich! Another foley-filled, action-packed, highly-aural adventure from Amplevoicepod.