Amplevoicepod

Tomathy Wilson: Ah, fresh in a friendly old pair of trousers. With an unusually grumpy Aubrey Holmes, we made our way to the Vienna Konzerthaus, to take the seats kindly offered by the dashing Richard Murphyarty. (Orchestra warming up) Tomathy: These are wonderful seats! Audience: Shhhh! Tomathy: Oooh, eh, sorry! But these are wonderful seats aren’t they Holmes? I can see everything from up here. And the next rows heads are down at my knees! Helloooo! Ooops-hoo-hoo! Audience: Shhhh- Holmes: I don’t understand it, it won’t come out of the box… it’s been over an hour! Tomathy: Oh you mean Mr Murphyarty in the private box with Chancellor Seipel? I know! Isn’t it remarkable that they know each other! He’s well connected is our ‘Black Velvet Man’. I hope Mr Seipel’s forgets about earlier in the cathedral, you know, when we meet them at intermission Holmes. Holmes: He just won’t fuckin’ come out. Tomathy: Well you can’t blame him Holmes. He gave us free tickets! It was maybe too much to expect he’d be sitting here with us when he has that box now with the Chancellor. But, again, these seats up here are wonderful! Audience: Sssshhh!! (SNIFF SNIFF, BHPOAH, YUCK… SHIZE, WAS IS DAS, EWW) Holmes: Come out you poisoned dwarf! I know you’re in there! Tomathy: I don’t think there are any munchkins performing in this opera Holmes! I say, this is rousing stuff isn’t it? (BURSTS INTO SONG) LALAAAA! Audience: (QUIET! SSSH! SEI RUHIG! Arschlöcher; Arschgeigen; Affenärsche; Ärsche; Scheißkerle; Wichser; blöde Säue etc). Holmes: And so it begins… Tomathy? Tomathy: (REACHES INTO TROUSERS) Unfgh. Unnn! Holmes: Keep your hand out of there, there’s people lookin’ at us! Audience: (DISQUIET) Tomathy: (Zip) Hello! Fancy seeing you here! You like opera too? Oh-oh-oh-oh! Holmes: He’s takin’ out the whole flog! Again! Put it away, youse’ll get us arrested! Sorry! Sorry for that now. Excuse me!! Hah! Sure it was all my fault. I bet him 20 Krone he wouldn’t take out his tool. Ah Tomathy, fair play to ya. I was pinching him all the time sure! He’s great fun. Sure I’m a fuckin’ man savage. From the jungle! God know what I’m doing here amongst normal people. Youse should just shoot me. With a ball of me own shite! I’ll have one for you in a minute. Just let me clear the hair with me fingers first! Tomathy: Oh I say Holmes, that lady just below me. She’s so graceful… Uhuh… Holmes: The auld one whose face is mangled in disgust? Tomathy: She looks just like little Mary Pickford… Holmes: How fuckin’ dare you Tomathy Wilson! Mary Pickford is gorgeous. This hag wouldn’t drink her piss! Yeah, I can see you… You’re BET DOWN! Tomathy: Uhhh… She’s so alluring, bewitching, haunting, beguiling…. I think I love her… Holmes: Hah? Akskskskh, this is too much. Tomathy: Oh, hello? Hello! Hellooooo! Holmes: Stop that! Don’t touch her… Tomathy: But she’s just below my knees… Holmes: No, NO! Tomathy: Hello, hello? Hello! Tomathy: And that’s when, without knowing, I (and not for the first time) changed… Tomathy: Ugh, ugh, ugh... Holmes: Tomathy? Tomathy: I want to lick your voluminous orbs! (PANTING, RUBBING) Woman: (ANGRY GERMAN WOMAN) Holmes: (SIGH) Ah but y’are beautiful so y’are. How much for a go on your busty rack? Tomathy: Hahaha! Looks like you are causing a scene Holmes! Holmes: Tomathy Wilson, you’ve got the horn in my clean trousers and you’re behaving like a mental patient. You want this fat pasty bitch? Tomathy: Mm-mm! Holmes: Right! I’ll drive the hand in and get a load of tit for ya. Unnf, gimme the fuckin’ tit there m-yaaah! Man: GOTT! There’s a homeless oik covered in shit trying to molest my wife! Holmes: (Rips blouse) Shut up you! Don’t be so fuckin’ selfish keeping it all to yourself. Give us a feel! Tomathy: (Masturbation). (Chaos ensues)… (End of opera, applause) Seipel: Indecipherable blah blah blah! Murphyarty: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that Chancellor… but I presume you refer to the commotion up at the back? Seipel: Blah blah… Murphyarty: Isn’t it delightful! Seipel: Blah. Murphyarty: A great show! The man with the box is an animal! Haha! (INTERMISSION announcement) Murphyarty: Intermission is here! Let’s go for a drink Chancellor…. Seipel: Blah blah bluuh! Holmes: Who’s this ‘me’ business? You started it as usual. Tomathy: You are the one misbehaving! Man: Motherfucker… Holmes: Me? Seipel: Blahblahburgh.Murphyarty: Yes, quite the smell… Ah, gentlemen, some entertainment your friend provides… Too bad it wasn’t on the stage. Holmes: Hah? Nothing to do with me! Tomathy: Oh Holmes, you grabbed that lady’s bosom… Holmes: You had the cock out and were about to lick the jugs off her. Murphyarty: That may be your account, but we saw it differently Mr ‘Holmes’. I fear your type of vaudeville improvisation may not be appreciated in these rather ostentatious confines. Tomathy: Oh, I know what you mean. Holmes: How do you do that?! Tomathy: What Holmes, do what? Holmes: Just go back to normal as if nothing’s happened? It’s like there’s two o’ you. Tomathy: Haha! The only one around here with a claim to dual personality is you dear boy and that’s why we need to seek out Sigmund Freud! Murphyarty: (Cape flap) Ooh, sounds intriguing! Holmes: I actually don’t think it’s anything to do with me, but it’s certainly natin’ to do with you! Murphyarty: Mmm. Allow me to introduce my most distinguished guest of the evening, the eminent, and his grace, the Austrian Chancellor; Ignaz Seipel. (BOWS) Seipel: Blah blah blah…. Tomathy: Delighted to meet you! Seipel: Bluurgh? Tomathy: Eh, for the first time of course! Holmes: Did he just use words? Seipel: Blah blah blah blah. Tomathy: Oh hahahaha! Murphyarty: Indeed. A shower is to be hoped… Holmes: Youse can understand him? Where am I? In an asylum?! And not even a pancake to eat. Tomathy: Holmes! You forget where you are. Holmes: But, but- Seipel can’t speakle! Tomathy: Speakle-eh speak for yourself! Holmes: I can! Only just though! Mammy used to peg me by the tongue to the washing line as a child. When I had the ‘bad brains’ she said. I couldn’t stop, fuckit, fuckit, fuckit, ah bad brains! Couldn’t get the words out of my head... Tomathy: Really Holmes, spare us your stories. Seipel: Blurhgh… Tomathy: You’re embarrassing us. Seipel: Blelelehhgh. Tomathy: Chancellor Seipel is annunciating himself quite clearly.  Holmes: That’s not what you said in the church today! Murphyarty: Oh, you were at Chancellor Seipel’s sermon in the cathedral? Seipel: Blah blah blah… Tomathy: Really! Murphyarty: Did he really? How very mental of you Mr ‘Holmes’… Tomathy: Dear Aubrey lost the run of himself in church and I had to escort him outside. Chancellor Seipel, please accept my heartfelt apologies. I trust it didn’t detract too much from your exhilarating sermon. Seipel: Blughblughbubblergh. Holmes: Turncoat bastard! Hangman! User! What are ya doin’? You said he was a racist! A jew-bater! A-a-fuckin’ bollox! Tomathy: Nonsense! You’re hallucinating again. It’s that box you carry, it affects you! Holmes: As I live and breathe in your shitty trousers, you say this to me. Murphyarty: Seems this box of yours Mr ‘Holmes’ gets more and more attention. Seipel: Blah blah blah! Murphyarty: Hahaha! Yes! Very true! Tomathy: Oh for a man of God you are quite the devil. Holmes: Ahhhrgh! Bad brains! Have to get away! Run away! Away! (RUNS) Murhpyarty: Where’s he going? Tomathy: Oh he does that sometimes, most probably to talk to his box. Murphyarty: Talk to his…? Well, maybe contacting Doctor Freud is the right course of action then. But you must make haste; Tomathy: Mm! Murphyarty: For he is racing against all existence. Seipel: Blughgh. Murphyarty: As are we all! Seipel: Blugh. Tomathy: Yes, yes, I-I-I believe so. Seipel: Blurughghgh. Murpharty: Yes. You are a loyal and true friend Tomathy. And someone who must do me the honour of accepting my invitation to lunch (cape flaps), for two, tomorrow at… Café Central? Tomathy: Oh Café Central! Why, why Richard, I would be delighted! Murphyarty: That’s it settled then. But for now please you must excuse me, the Chancellor and I must discuss Austria’s economy. Seipel: Hyperinflation is the beast that must be tamed! Murphyarty: It had its agenda to carry out the bidding of its masters, but now it serves no purpose and must be killed! Seipel: Blurughghgh. Murphyarty: Good evening sir! (CAPE WAFT) Mental Holmes III - Oh Vienna! Is an Amplevoicepod HQ audio adventure podcast. The newly reinvigorated Tomathy Wilson has taken Aubrey Holmes to Vienna to seek out famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. But not before they run into old friend Seamus Byrnie working at cáfe Diglas on Strobelgasse. Therein a chance meeting with the mysterious Professor Murphyarty leads them to visit the Wiener Konzerthaus at his behest. In the lobby they meet Austrian Chancellor Ignaz Seipel and all hell breaks loose once seats are taken. Culminating in the worst possible of situations and the fracturing of a friendship. Only Sigmund Freud has the answers. Das Es, Das Ich, Das Uber Ich! Another foley-filled, action-packed, highly-aural adventure from Amplevoicepod.

Gerbil: I am Gerbil. My master is Murphyarty. I was born 1922, in Cork Mental Reservation and planted into head orderly Tarquin Madden’s mind. I helped guide my master’s escape. Tarquin, believing also to be an escaped patient, carries me inside his lead-lined wooden lunchbox. I steer Tarquin; via befriending Tomathy Wilson, a lawyer cum amateur detective, to do my master’s bidding. From assassination to implantation, Wilson knows Tarquin only as ‘Aubrey Holmes’; the name on a business card in Wilson’s waistcoat that a then-naked Tarquin stole from the washing line. In our two adventures so far we have met Jim-the-Slipper and Doctor Voronoff, taking us from atop Beal Na Blath in Cork, to Landsberg Prison near Munich. Now… it is June 1924. Tomathy Wilson, invigorated with monkey-testicle implants from Munich, takes ‘Aubrey Holmes’ to Vienna. To do one thing; find Sigmund Freud to discover who ‘Aubrey Holmes’ really is. He really must be stopped. SCENE 1 (STEPHANPLATZ, VIENNA) Tomathy: Oh! Oh! Oooh! Look! Can’t you see? Holmes: Ah, this means nothing to me… Tomathy: Oh Vienna! I am home! Oh, oh, oh the elegance! Holmes: Stop all the jumpery, you’re like a giant flea bag.  Tomathy: Oh my! (STARTS RUNNING) Holmes: ‘Ere! Come back ya wild man! Look at the gurns of him!(TO HIMSELF) – I’m not sure Dr Voronoff’s monkey testicles were a good idea… But at least the poor fucker doesn’t know what happened to him.Come back! (AFFECTS TOMATHY VOICE) – “I might need you at any moment!” Akskskshsshhh… Tomathy: Shape up Holmes! No time to shilly shally! As I said on the train, if I can’t find out who you are, I know a man who can! Sigmund Freud! Holmes: (RUNNING) Mad for the controls again! Twisting knobs, pushing butto-HEY! What are you doing now? Don’t piss on the flower beds! Tomathy: Ahhhh! (ZIP), ooh, I love these new zipper trousers! (ZIP, ZIP, ZIP) Holmes: He’ll make a holy show of us all… Tomathy: AH! A coffee-house! Cafehaus! Gerbil: Das Es, Das Ich, Das Uber Ich! Holmes: Fuck off you! Tomathy: Café Diglas… a gathering, of intellectuals and thinkers, of writers and poets filled with connoisseurs who expect things just so. Holmes: Not for you then and would you put your mickey back in your trousers! Tomathy: Ohh! Oh yes! HAHAHA! Ahem. Let’s go in! (FOOTSTEPS INSIDE) Tomathy: Sit here, sit here! Ooh! Urgmm… Holmes: Very posh hah? Tomathy: Ahhh, you can buy Apfelstrudel, Linzer Torte and Punschkrapfen a- Holmes: Excuse me? Tomathy: Oooooh! I would, I would! Oooh! Holmes: Hah? Tomathy: Would you?? The waitress… Holmes: Her? What would you do? Tomathy: Hello darling! Sit on my face and I’ll guess your weight! HAHAHA-ooh.. Holmes: Ah, young lady, sorry, my friend’s a bit sick. I told him to say- Waitress: Shit! (SLAPS HOLMES) Tomathy: Oh! Waitress: Arsehole. Holmes: Don’t mention it… Waitress: Shit… Tomathy: Oh! HAHAAHAHAH! She slapped you Holmes! Dirty bitch! Holmes: Ah, now she’s sending over the brand new heavy… Seamus: Sorry gentlemen but I’m going to have to ask yis to… Jaysuz! Tomathy: It isn’t! Seamus: Praise the lord! Holmes: It had to be you hadn’t it? Tomathy: Seamus!! Seamus: I can’t believe it. Mr. Tomathy Wilson, it’s good to see you are looking so well! Holmes: That lad’s never well. Do youse do pancakes? Seamus: Cork, then Munich, now Vienna. Are you alright? After your operation and all? Tomathy: What are you blatheri-OH! You mean my spa treatment with Dr Voronoff in Munich? Woke up invigorated with Voronoff nowhere to be seen! Holmes: You know nothing. Tomathy: Wonderful, I tell you. Holmes: So, you finished with the revolution then Seamus? Seamus: Yeah. Tomathy: Marvellous! Now be a good boy Seamus and send the waitress with the big breasts back over. Oh I am so rude! Haha! Seamus: Once the crackdown in Munich started, I was smuggled in a crate over here. Signed up for Seminarian College, to better meself… This is just to pay for me lodgin’s like. Tomathy: I say, I feel lrather heavy in the gentleman’s area. (LARGE BELCH) Seamus: Was that you? Holmes: No, that was me… Tomathy: I say, I do believe I- Holmes: I said, that was me, I’m the ignorant fool here remember? Tomathy: Why are you kicking me Holmes? Seamus: I’m a ‘Zugeraster’ here. An ‘outsider’… They don’t like me much in the college. Strange, us all being Catholic and everything… Must be the Irish guilt being that much more inbred. Tomathy: Poppycocks and baldyrashers! Holmes: (TO SEAMUS) Get it out, get it all out- (TO TOMATHY) NOT YOU! Tomathy: Why are you looking at me? Gerbil: Fools! Hahahha! Holmes: Not you either! Seamus: Well, I suppose it was on account of Daddy’s leather belt. I’m studying now that guilt is an important factor in perpetuating obsessive–compulsive disorder symptoms- Holmes: No, you’ve just some issues with your daddy. Tomathy: Oh, did he fuck you? AH! The Arbeiter Zeitung! Ahhhh, (BLOWS NOSE IN PAPER, CASUALLY TAKES OUT PENIS). Seamus: Mr Wilson, is that your penis? Waitress: Shit! Holmes: He’s just casually pulling at it, as if he’s at the Doctor’s. Ah you’re an awful savage now aren’t you? Tomathy: What was that? I’m reading the paper, there’s an article about- Seamus: Sorry lads, youse’ll have to leave. Praise the lord… But you’re an abomination. Sorry, see yis… Tomathy: Are you taking my bloody order, or just cracking on about- Seamus: And if yis don’t mind me saying, think about getting some psychoanalysis done for your condition. Tomathy: And there we were. Holmes with his wooden lunchbox, me tucking my little gentleman back in. Both of us ejected from the café by our old friend Seamus. I was full of beans, with Holmes taking the blame for all my gay enthusiasm. Outside again on Stephanplatz, Holmes looked at me, he had a plan to bring me salvation. But I had other ideas. Tomathy: (FINGERS SNAP) Why, that just might be it Holmes! I mean of course it is, that’s why we are here! To find you help! Holmes: I think he meant you in fairness. Tomathy: Hahahaha! Of course not! Now, we need to find the great Herr Freud. Like you, he’s a genius! Holmes: Well said, ya silky fucker. Tomathy: But he’s cancelled his lecture at the Vienna Ambulatory on account of his cancer of the jaw. I fear it might be a race against time old boy, to get you seen to! To get to the bottom of your story! Ay Holmes? Holmes: ‘Ere, Flasher, do I have to put it back in for you or can you manage it yourself? Gerbil: You are wasting your time!!! Tick tock! Tomathy: Oh, ooh, but his address, I have it here, from the paper, AHAHA! The hunt for Freud! Oooh, he lives at Berggasse 19... Where’s that? Oh look! A boat! Let’s take the boat down there! Holmes: No, no no! No boats! Like Seamus, you need to praise the Lord to save your soul! To the church with your wicked ways!  Tomathy: Oh gosh, (ZIP) Have I sinned? And it’s only 10 o’clock in the morning. (ST STEPHEN’S CATHEDRAL) Tomathy: Holmes dragged me to the cathedral, and there before our very eyes was Chancellor Siepel of Austria! At the altar! Giving a sermon! (DOORS OPENING) Holmes: Sit at the back… at the back! Excuse me, sorry, we’re tourists, sorry… Tomathy: (SHOUTS) Sorry Holmes! Holmes: Shut the fuck up! Tomathy: But I- I know who that man is… Holmes: Get in your box! Tomathy: No. He’s the Chancellor of all of Austria! Holmes: Stop it! Tomathy: Ignaz Seipel… Holmes: You’re vibratin’ the pews! Tomathy: He’s anti-everything, Marxists, Jews, Deviants, and Coloureds! Holmes: (LOOKS AROUND) Sorry! Excuse me, he’s a foreign lad… knows natin’. Ab-nor-mal… Tomathy: (SHOUTS) I say old chap, Mr, eh, Chancellor, Seipel! I can’t, eh- Holmes: Oh curse a jayzus in His house an’ all… Tomathy: -understand a bloody word you are saying! Do you speak any normal?! Seipel: Blah Blah blah! Tomathy: Um, no, nothing I’m afraid… (TO HOLMES) where’s Stefan when you need him? Could we not pay him to come from Munich to interpret in Vienna?  Gerbil: Stefan’s Dead, Stefan’s dead! And this one’s saying you are all going to die! AHAAHAHA! Holmes: NO MORE FROM YOU! He’s the one that looks like he’s got death’s cold fingers round his neck. Look at the state of his purple dress! Tomathy: This is no use… Can’t have a proper conversation with a man who-(LOUD FLATULENCE). Ahhhh…. Ooooh- Holmes: Aw, suck back up the bad eggs would ya. Tomathy: I’m going up there to have a word with Chancellor Seipel. Holmes: NO! Fuckit! Fuckit! Oooh fuckit! Bad brains! Bad brains! Tomathy: Get off me Holmes! Stop molesting me! Holmes: Akskskskh! The strength of five men in him! Tomathy: No! No! Stop-(MORE WIND) Holmes: I’m being chemicalised! I can’t breathe! Mental Holmes III - Oh Vienna! Is an Amplevoicepod HQ audio adventure podcast. The newly reinvigorated Tomathy Wilson has taken Aubrey Holmes to Vienna to seek out famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. But not before they run into old friend Seamus Byrnie working at cáfe Diglas on Strobelgasse. Therein a chance meeting with the mysterious Professor Murphyarty leads them to visit the Wiener Konzerthaus at his behest. In the lobby they meet Austrian Chancellor Ignaz Seipel and all hell breaks loose once seats are taken. Culminating in the worst possible of situations and the fracturing of a friendship. Only Sigmund Freud has the answers. Das Es, Das Ich, Das Uber Ich! Another foley-filled, action-packed, highly-aural adventure from Amplevoicepod. Shut your eyes and immerse yourself in this insane trip to Vienna in 1924.

Dr. Voronoff: Ah Stefan, Stefan, these are the gentlemen you spoke about? Super. Please, come in, please, don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid yes, let’s go. Tomathy: Wow! This must be a state of the art facility! Impressive eh? HOLMES: For a zoo somethin’ maybe. Smell of shite everywhere. Tomathy: Say what’s on your mind as always Holmes why don’t you. Hello Dr. Voronoff, my name is Tomathy Wilson, and this, this is the sometimes great Aubrey Holmes. GERBIL: This, this is, this is it! HOLMES: What are you shite-ing about, leave me alone! Tomathy: No need to be bashful Holmes now… Really, he is a genius! Voronof: Delighted to meet you this evening, thank you, yes, thank you… Stefan: Remember, it is ok, Tomathy, you don’t have to have the procedure, you are in control. You can leave at any time. GERBIL: Cautious ma precious, cautious ma precious, AHAHAHAHA! HOLMES: Shut the fuck up! Tomathy: Holmes! Don’t tell him to shut up, it’s not his fault he is foreign. Stefan: And I am not an oddball. HOLMES: Listen to the cool man now. Voronoff: Well, as Stefan said you don’t have to have this procedure, you can back out at any time. Tomathy: Oh no no Dr Voronoff, I am here to have it all! To try every procedure there is at your wonderful treatment centre! HOLMES: You’ll take it anyway you can get it. Ahahaha! Voronoff: Super good! So you’re with me. That’s the spirit as you say yes? An enlightened soul! Good, let’s go! But remember, I ask you, be extremely silent. I need quiet to perform my work. Tomathy: So reassuring. You know, I have to tell you Doctor, I have been so worn down with everything lately, that’s why I am here, and after our experience over the last day; well I tell you. I am ready. Stefan: Yes, you are a brave man Tomathy Wilson; I did not think you would volunteer so easily. Tomathy: Hahaha…Yes, emm? Voronoff: Bravery is the measure of a man Stefan, and we will make Mr Wilson here a more vigorous man than ever before! Stefan: Herr Wilson, should you maybe take some time to think about this? GERBIL: Heehee!!! Use your instincts! No time left to lose control! HOLMES: Lose control? Who’s losing control? I don’t want to lose anything! Tomathy: Oh, I plan to lose control! Right here! Thank you for your words Stefan, but- Dr. Voronoff, I am yours. Voronoff: Okeydokey so, let’s go, yes, brilliant, right, Stefan, take the coat from Mr Wilson and you and Mr. Holmes may watch; it may prove educational. And please, no noise! Yes? Tomathy: Educational, see Holmes, even you may learn something here. There you go Stefan, mind it, it’s good tweed you know… Em, ok, where should I go? Where do you want me? Voronoff: Please, please come and lie up on this bench, under the lights… GERBIL: Yes! Yes! See, it? He himself wants to! Tomathy: Certainly, looks like it’ll be the Radium treatment first then ay Holmes? HOLMES: Fuckin’ riddlery, that’s all your sayin’! GERBIL: Ahahahaha!   Tomathy: Oh tosh! You can try it after me… You’ll see. Stefan: Shit… I cannot look. Voronoff: Quiet Gentlemen please, I cannot work at such volume! And open your eyes Stefan, you will want to see this. Everyone deserves to see this. Tomathy: Oh, keep them open you say? Alrighty. I’m open! Voronoff: Let’s go! Lift up the bench a bit. You are with me yes? (Electronic whirr) HOLMES: Ooh, hokery pokery! Voronoff: Now! I am here in Munich, it is very important. It is where the great Ernst Unger did his first procedures with kidneys. Tomathy: Kidneys? Oh, if you can get rid of my stones that would be marvellous! Hate passing those brutes… Holmes: I never thought you had any stones Tomathy. Together: Ahahahaha… Voronoff: Super! That’s what we are here to do, to remove the ‘stones’ as you say! Yes! But first, why do we do it? What is the reason of it? Well, I am convinced, 100% I dare assert, that the monkey is superior to man by the sturdiness of its body, the quality of its organs, and the absence of those defects, hereditary and acquired, with which the main part of mankind is afflicted. Tomathy: We are all a little bit afflicted now aren’t we? HOLMES: Ok, what’s up now- I smell more than brown underpants. GERBIL: No more time! Tick toooock! Time to lose controoool! Voronoff: So I am also convinced according to my own observations that the testicles, not only have a genital function, but also that they act on the skeletal, muscular, nervous, and psychological development of the individual... HOLMES: He’s talking balls Oddball. Stefan: Quiet Aubrey. Voronoff: Please. Please… HOLMES: Excuse me. Voronoff: Ok. So we have now elevated Mr Wilson into the light and we have also elevated the monkey to the rank of brotherly species with mankind! Is this not true? Tomathy: Well, well you just might be right about that Dr. Voronoff… I’ve read many articles about this in The Times. Voronoff: Time? Time is now to be quiet and sleep Mr Wilson. HOLMES: That’s a big needle, that fit for a horse!  Stefan: Or even for a monkey… HOLMES: Hah? Voronoff: Just a prick and you will sleep for enough time for the procedure to be done, about 15 minutes, then we will bring you around. Let’s go! Tomathy: Ok… ooh… ahh, ooh… GERBIL: You are it, he is himself, he is control, time to lose control it! Heehee! Tomathy: Oh, I think I can feel something, oh, it’s, ah, yes, here it comes. HOLMES: (Shouts) Put a sock in it will ya, always going on in my ear! Voronoff: Mr Holmes!  Tomathy: Holmeszzzzz, I, I, sorry, did I disappo…zzzz. Voronoff: Ok. Super good! Tonight, I intend to continue my trials to rejuvenate human organisms with the transplant of chimpanzee glands. We will again show that the production of hormones will regain lost vigour for an extended time period when this older animal is transplanted with the young animal’s testes! HOLMES: Hah? Voronoff: Stefan! Bring me the monkey! Stefan: Yes Doctor Voronoff.  Homles: What are yis doin’?  GERBIL: Das Es, das Ich unt das Über-Ich! Don’t lose control now and you will kill your friend! (Monkey screams) HOLMES: Monkey! What you doin’ with that yoke? (Gunshot to the head) HOLMES: ARGH! Aw bad brains! Bad brains! All over the floor… Voronoff: That is the only noise I allow tonight. Ok, there, we see that the Chimpanzee is dead. Now to open the simian scrotum and extract the still warm and super living glands; Stefan, please keep a hold of the body, eh? Mr. Holmes, please? Would you be so kind? Holmes: Wha? Voronoff: Yes, can you stand up here, HOLMES: What is goin’ on here? Voronoff: Wait until I cut open the monkey sack and you, just cup your hands and wait for the dropping. Holmes: Ah, total sickness, I’m not sure Tomathy Wilson wanted to- Voronoff: Ok, so I make the incision here… (Slice) into the monkey… (Squirt, squelch) HOLMES: Oooh stanks, stanks like a boiled-beef sangidge. Stefan: Uh-huh, this is wonderful. Voronoff: Eh, Mr. Holmes, can you put down your lunchbox for a moment, this may need two hands. GERBIL: Don’t put me down! Don’t lose control! You will kill your friend! HOLMES: No, eh, it’s okay, this is a one-hander, I have it, ooh, Tomathy’s gonaderly! Straight from his ovenses! Voronoff: You’re doing well Mr. Holmes, now, keep a gentle grip. Got to just, eh (rip), cut the trousers and underwear away (rip). There- Fine. HOLMES: Doctor, you say these stones be better than a humanses? Voronoff: Think of it just like the addition of an extra engine. It is the vitality we want, and these will give him just that. HOLMES: Have yis done this before? Voronoff: Oh, of course. No need to worry Mr. Holmes. Your friend is safe. Ok, let’s cut in to Mr. Wilson’s scrotum like this- (Cut, slice, squirtle) HOLMES: Ooh squirtley bag… Keep the cool Tomathy Wilson now, please don’t wake up. Voronoff: And a quick severing of the tubes- (Snip snip) HOLMES: Aksh, I feel a sudden warm discomfort. Voronoff: Now Mr. Holmes, as I move aside the human glands, I ask you to quietly bring down the monkey ones into position beside them there… HOLMES: Better not sneeze hah? Stefan: This is the most incredible thing I have ever done. HOLMES: Yeah, I know what you’re sayin’! It’s fuckin’ incredible for me and fairly fuckin’ sickenin’ as well. Voronoff: Gentlemen, this is the last time I will tolerate raised voices! HOLMES: Wasn’t me. Stefan: Sorry Doctor Voronoff. (Tomathy breathes on ventilator) Voronoff: (Sighing) So, I will just take these from you now Mr. Holmes, and start to graft Mr. Wilson’s new vigorous testes onto his old epididymis- (Door bursts open just as the monkey balls are inserted). Stefan: Shit, National socialists! HOLMES: This is an awkward moment. Voronoff: What is all this noise? I told you I cannot work with noise! (Assorted shouting) GERBIL: Tick tock! Don’t drop! Voronoff: No, no, I cannot continue in this chaos. That’s it. (Downs tools, storms off) Stefan: Doctor Voronoff, where are you going? HOLMES: Here?! Voronoff: Noise noise noise noise! ‘MENTAL HOLMES 2 - PUTSCH IT HOLMES!’ is an Amplevoicepod audio adventure. It's 1923. We join Aubrey Holmes and Tomathy Wilson aboard a swiftly trundling pan-European train trip culminating in the Munich train station. Everything here is inflated: bread, beer and egos. Aubrey and Tomathy are in town to take rest and relaxation, their goal being Baden Baden, but there’s a slight problem with the local German translation from guide Stephan. It’s only the beginning of the experiment which putches them from beerhall to prison to operating table! They meet an old friend while enjoying a hearty lager at the local Burgerbraukeller. But trouble ensues, resulting in them being thrown into Landsberg prison. Within the panopticon Aubrey befriends a furious little cellmate who has big ideas for the future... But that is nothing compared to the fate that could befall Tomathy Wilson as he finally gets to meet the world-renowned surgen Dr. Voronoff at the Munich University Hospital. It could be more reinvigorating than Tomathy had bargained for. Bring me the monkey!

Tomathy Wilson: And I thought we’d just have a quiet beer together. Only then to be apprehended by the law! Little did we know where we would end up that night… And with whom... Consulate: At least you’re out of the country now. You can’t interfere in the Free State anymore. Amazing you got asylum here. If it was up to me I’d have you in Dublin on a stone floor with a hole in the floorboard to piss through. Cushy in here isn’t it? M-arty: Yes. Consulate: I’m outta here, enjoy the food. (Gate opens, closes) Consulate: Don’t choke on it. M-arty: (Laughs to himself) Yes. GUARD: So welcome sir to Landsberg Panopticon Penal Facility. Here is your breakfast. (Tray, cups, spoon fx, book hand) Guard: …and also your book has arrived. M-arty: Yes. GUARD: So, are you a fan of Herr Freud and his works? M-arty: (Sips on tea) You may leave… (Door closes & locks) (Another sip of tea) (Opens book) M-arty: (Reads aloud the title) ‘Das Ich und das Es’, ah yes, Tarquin Madden; ‘das Es’, Tomathy Wilson; ‘das Ich’, and who is ‘das Über-Ich?’ Tick tock… tick tock… (Chokes a bit on a biscuit) M-arty: Yes… cough… yes… (Prisoners arriving at Landsberg) Tomathy: I beg you, contact the consulate in Munich, they’ll sort out this terrible misunderstanding. HOLMES: Give me back my property!! Where’s me box? (Prison door slams shut) HOLMES: Foreign fuckerses! Foreign fuckerses! Tomathy: You know old boy, that’s the first time I’ve seen you without that confounding lunch box. HOLMES: Shuttup you, what’s it got do witcha??? Hah? It’s my box. I’ll do with it what I want to do with it right?? Stop lookin’ at me! Tomathy: But what’s in it? I’ve never seen a sandwich go in nor out of the bloody thing. HOLMES: Are you startin’ again?  Tomathy: Starting? Yes, well I am starting, starting to wonder what reason you have for that bloody wooden box you carry with you religiously and run away to every time I ask you about yourself- HOLMES: Keep the mouth shut and the mind open Tomathy Wilson. But most important, keep your nose out! Tomathy: Calm down Holmes. HOLMES: Well stop looking at me. Drillin’ your eyes into me skull! Tomathy: I have to look at you Holmes. HOLMES: It’s like been studied so I am! Here, shall I take the shirt off or drop the trousers, give you the full load? Tomathy: I-I didn’t mean to rub you up the wrong way HOLMES: You’re rubbing me up now. Dirty bastard. Tomathy: But look, we’re in a foreign jail and I don’t, I don’t know- HOLMES: No! No! You look! You, look, the other fuckin’ way will yis? Tomathy: Steady on Holmes, it’s not my fault that we’re here! I mean- HOLMES: And you too, sly fucker in the corner. What you lookin’ at? Tomathy: By jingo, didn’t even notice him sitting there… what are you in for old chap? Oh, I suppose you wouldn’t understand me. Talk to him Holmes… HOLMES: Always the instructions! You’re like a lost sheep up the moors, lost in the fog! Flappin’ around begging for your mammy at every turn to suck on her teet hah? Are you not able to work a single thing out for yourself? Do you not have the instinct? Always at me to show you the way, like some lobotomised lapdog y’are! Tomathy: I say Holmes, I’m only acceding to your superior judgement, you have a way, a way with, listen, if you wanted me to take the lead I jolly well can be myself and- HOLMES: No! No! Just, no! Tomathy Wilson just bein’ himself yeah. That’s all. He’s himself… ok, ok, right, no, no, I’ll talk to him when I want to talk to him right? Tomathy: Fine Holmes, fine… I was just saying- HOLMES: With the face of constipation... Tomathy: Fine. Looking at the wall ok? HOLMES: He’s just being himself. Tomathy: The wall… Just calm- HOLMES: Curse a f-Hey! I was talkin’ to you! What are you lookin’ at? Sour lookin’ little lad aren’t ya? (Silence) HOLMES: Well? (Silence) Tomathy: Em, if I may? HOLMES: Argh! What’s that now? Hah? What did I do wrong? Was it not to your taste? Will he be displeased? Tomathy: Eh, no, no but maybe, eh, in German Holmes, he’s obviously a local… I mean, (whispers) look at that ‘tache… HOLMES: Oh right… Good call Tomathy Wilson. Aksksksshshsh. Not a total gobshite at this moment. So, got nothin’ to say for yourself now hah? Tomathy: Holmes… sprechen ze yunno… HOLMES: Don’t push it now. This little lad had plenty to say earlier in the pub. Ah sure, feed a beer brings out the gob in me too, say you’re probably scuttered? Tomathy: He looks quite alert and intense to me Holmes. HOLMES: Thanks for that again. Well he shouldn’t be holding it all in then should he?? Here, get it out of ya, you’ve nowhere to go tonight. Don’t be shy! I’ll, I’ll even help translate to Mr Tomathy Wilson here if you want? Because he is being himself and he needs help… (Pause) Hitler: What is your name? HOLMES: Ah! Ah! See? It speaks! Tomathy: What did he say Holmes? HOLMES: (Makes retarded mimic) Ssshh, just let him on- Hitler: Where are you from? Tomathy: Eh? HOLMES: He’s saying he fuckin’ likes your coat… Tomathy: Ah, did he really? Gosh, well, thank you, it’s, it’s, real tweed sir, got it made in old Saville Row London you know. Hitler: I suggest we start again. Tomathy: What did… oh sorry Holmes. HOLMES: (Sigh) He doesn’t actually like your coat. He was only messin’ witcha. Anyway, go on lad, tell us what’s on your mind, Tomathy: What’s wrong with my coat? Hitler: I thought I have made myself perfectly clear. Outrageous. HOLMES: Uh-huh. Yep. He said he wouldn’t be caught dead in those rags. Tomathy: What? That’s outrageous nonsense! This is top of line material and bespoke cut by the finest tailors in the world man and- Hitler: I will never surrender. Never. Tomathy: Holmes? HOLMES: Holmes?! Holmes?! What’s going on Holmes?! I am lost again Holmes! I can’t find my arsehole Holmes! He says you’re only a fuckin’ posh self-righteous bollocks! Tomathy: Well! Wh-I nev-well not since my divorce have I ever been so insulted! Good god! Now listen here Herr Fritz, you simply can’t go play the man AND the ball! Slagging off a man and his tweed and his, his rightful position in life? Well, it’s just not o- (Hitler explodes, chair flies across the room, massive rant begins) Hitler: I’ve been betrayed and deceived from the very beginning. What a monstrous betrayal of the German people. Tomathy: Calm down sir! Hitler: But all those traitors will pay. Tomathy: Or I shall have to call the guards. Hitler: They’ll pay with their own blood. Tomathy: Please. Hitler: They shall drown in their own blood! Tomathy: Please. Holmes: Akskshssh! Hitler: Our generals are just a bunch of contemptible, disloyal cowards. They are cowards, traitors and failures. Tomathy: Em… are you… Hitler: Not a shred of honour! HOLMES: Arghghsssh, he just went for the wick in it Tomathy! You riled him so you did! He wants to eat your soul. He’s not your friend. Tomathy: Hmmm. Hitler: I suggest we start again… HOLMES: Yunno, You’ve a lot of issues. I can see that now. You know what you should do? You should write it ALL down, all of it, yunno. Into a book, I think that would help your struggle. It’ll do ya good! Be civilised about it. That’s what this lad would say anyway and sure, he wears a nice coat. Hitler: In a war like this there are no civilians. HOLMES: Exactly, yep, I know, it’s the best way to handle the demons. Write it all down. It’s very cathartic. Is that what you’d say? “Well it’s very cathartic…”. Tomathy: Why that’s amazing Holmes! He’s smiling at you, I-I think, I think he agrees! HOLMES: Y’up, good advice costs nothing I say. Even free for you too thick lad- Tomathy: Well! That’s a relief! I thought it was bound for fisticuffs at one second, I mean I didn’t expect all this, I only came here for rest, relaxation and recuperation! HOLMES: Well dash it all hah? You’re a poor ol’ fucker at the moment aren’t ya eh? Stuck in these four walls, it’d drive anyone mad, nearly took the head off this lad.  Tomathy: Yes, I suppose I am Holmes. (Door unlocks) Tomathy: Stefan! Thank god! HOLMES: Oddball. Where’s me box, oddball? Stefan: Tomathy Wilson and Aubrey Holmes. You are free to go gentlemen. It was a gross misunderstanding, I have your things in my car… You are free to come with me. Tomathy: Are we free to go Holmes? ‘MENTAL HOLMES 2 - PUTSCH IT HOLMES!’ is an Amplevoicepod audio adventure. It's 1923. We join Aubrey Holmes and Tomathy Wilson aboard a swiftly trundling pan-European train trip culminating in the Munich train station. Everything here is inflated: bread, beer and egos. Aubrey and Tomathy are in town to take rest and relaxation, their goal being Baden Baden, but there’s a slight problem with the local German translation from guide Stephan. It’s only the beginning of the experiment which putches them from beerhall to prison to operating table! They meet an old friend while enjoying a hearty lager at the local Burgerbraukeller. But trouble ensues, resulting in them being thrown into Landsberg prison. Within the panopticon Aubrey befriends a furious little cellmate who has big ideas for the future... But that is nothing compared to the fate that could befall Tomathy Wilson as he finally gets to meet the world-renowned surgen Dr. Voronoff at the Munich University Hospital. It could be more reinvigorating than Tomathy had bargained for. Bring me the monkey!

Tomathy Wilson: A&M kindly presents, typical for this type of thing, it’s an A&M production. Mental Holmes II! Aha. Featuring the wonderful talents of Tomathy Wilson, Seamus Byrnie, and of course… Mr. Aubrey Holmes. Introducing; Stefan Kuntz, and the dashing Doctor Voronoff. Legally registered for copyright, 2013. Tomathy: And there we were, Aubrey Holmes and I, chundering along through the Bavarian countryside, on the way to a holiday in Munich, November 8th, 1923. HOLMES: (Box open close fx) You, yeah you. I can see you. Tomathy: Who do you think you are Holmes? HOLMES: I know you are there. Come out. Tomathy: Listen, now that I have you here, I want to ask you something. HOLMES: Stop stayin’ at the back starin’ at me. Come on! Tomathy: I have a friend; a barrister buddy from Bandon, and would you believe it, he too is a Mr Aubrey Holmes, fancy that mmm?  HOLMES: Hah? Ah sure that’s mad now isn’t it? Tomathy: Yes, it’s eh, quite the coincidence. HOLMES: It’s a common name. Tomathy: And you are still wearing the same suit the day I met you. HOLMES: Hah. I likes this suit so I do. Extra comfy. Tomathy: Me too, I had one just like it, which amazingly disappeared when you- HOLMES: Excuse me Tomathy Wilson. Tomathy: Every time I broach the subject of anything remotely connected to your background, you sprint off to look into your bloody sandwich box! I mean what’s that’s all about? HOLMES: Ah you’re the great part-time amateur detective aren’tcha? Tomathy: Don’t push it Holmes. We absolutely have to grab the ears of this big elephant in the room! Holmes: You’re the elephant stickin’ the nose in where it may spite your face! Tomathy: When I met you, you, had, well you said you too were a solicitor like myself and- HOLMES: Common name isn’t it? Common job isn’t it? Yep, sure it is. I think you Tomathy Wilson,  Tomathy: I invited you along as a friend, so we can get to know each other better. HOLMES: Mad for the controls you are! Twistin’ the knobs, pushin’ the buttons! Tomathy: Strange, secretive and incredibly impulsive. But I must say you had all the answers when it came to uncovering the murdering brute Stanton, and he having an affair with my Eleanora! HOLMES: She was dirt, better off now! Tomathy: How right you were, and are. That’s the thing, you always are. If I didn’t know better I’d say you were one step ahead of me old boy HOLMES: Aksksksksskhhh, excuse me for a moment… Tomathy: Oh just put your box down Holmes and relax. That’s why we are here. And by golly do I need it. An invigorating holiday, yes… Now, if I can only make head or tail of this spa treatment leaflet for Baden Baden. It’s all in that tricky German! Ugh. HOLMES: Huh? Hah? Aah!  Tomathy: (Reads the leaflet) Nicht nur Regenerierung, Entspannung und Fitness nehmen eine wichtige Rolle im Brenners Spa ein. Ebenso fühlen wir uns Ihrer Gesundheit verpflichtet. HOLMES: Argh! Hah? Here! Ay?! Speak to me! Tomathy:  Oh it’s hopeless. I was never good at speaking foreign. HOLMES: Where are ya? Come out till I fight your face off! Tomathy: Nearly in Munich old boy. HOLMES: One chance! That’s it now! Tomathy: Hmm, if I had my chance I would fly in the Zeppelin but you, of course- HOLMES: Crash and burn! They’ll crash and burn! Sink like a Lead, a lead bal-zeppelin! Can you hear me in there? Tomathy: Loud and clear! Relax. It might be a retreat to the spa treatment for me but if shouting at your lunchbox is the method- GERBIL: Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop shouting at me! You are it! You are it! He is himself, and I, I am over myself! HOLMES: Speak straight, enough riddlery! Gerbil: We have more work to do. Holmes: I don’t know! Tomathy: I can see you’re agitated dear fellow. Tell you what, as soon as we’ve alighted and met with our interpreter, I’ll buy you a stout cool German beer in ‘Munchen’, haha. And maybe we can talk some more?  HOLMES: I don’t understand. Tomathy: Me neither! I think we’ll need the interpreter alright. Last thing we need is confusion when all we want is to recuperate with some radium therapy ay? After all those shenanigans with the “Free State” back home, I mean look Holmes; even Irish money! The Punt! I tell you… (Train comes to a halt in station, ambience) HOLMES: Burst ‘er on. Tomathy: (Struggling with suitcase) Em, a bit of help with the suitcase Holmes? Eh, don’t just dash ahead like a small boy! Holmes: I’ll bate you, I’ll drive the fist into you… Get out of it! Tomathy: Oh I don’t know… There. Phew, maybe I packed above the limit. Where is our local guide? Don’t wander off Holmes! I might need you at any moment. HOLMES: Eegit. Ah! Swoopers! Bastards! Flyin’ rats lookin’ at me! (Makes pigeon noises) Tomathy: Ah, wait, that could be our man Holmes. HOLMES: (Close perspective) I will kill you. (Pigeon gobble) Tomathy: Tall… blonde… Mmm, definitely continental… Oh, he’s holding a placard, um, “Uoslim jjeh” what? Oh, haha, it’s upside down, ‘Herr Wil-son’, Herr Wilson! Hello! Hello? I’m Herr Wilson! Herr Wilson! HOLMES: Who’s the queerhawk? Stefan: Mr Tomathy Wilson? Hello Herr Tomathy Wilson. Welcome to Munich. It is nice to meet you. My name is Stefan Kuntz. I will be your guide. This must be your partner Aubrey Holmes? Tomathy: Em, can’t understand you I’m afraid. Do you speak the English? Stefan: Nein. Tomathy: Excuse me chap? I- em- Stefan: Spreche ich nicht Englisch Nein Tomathy: I’m- come again? HOLMES: No! He says no he can’t speak your form of gobshitelry!  Tomathy: Really? I thought this would be a two way deal. Stefan: Sorry but I don’t speak English. The hotel did not tell me it was necessary. HOLMES: You, you are a little bit of an oddball aren’t you? Stefan: Ja. HOLMES: And you are German also? Stefan: Yes that is right. HOLMES: Very sorry for you. Excuse me. Stefan: Not at all Aubrey Holmes. Please. Tomathy: My my Holmes! Looks like you’ve saved the day again! You understand German? HOLMES: Yes, I understand everything… Tomathy: Excellent! It’s my loss in the old translation department but you’ve done it again Holmes. HOLMES: Yes… akshssh. Superiorly, Stefan: Mr Tomathy Wilson and Aubrey Holmes. I think we should go to the hotel before the trip to Baden Baden tomorrow. Tomathy: Ah Baden Baden! Now you’re speaking. When do we go? Now? HOLMES: Hold on to the donkeys! What about me beer? Stefan: Baden Baden is tomorrow. Now, we will go to the hotel.  Tomathy: Eh right, yes, I suppose, Holmes? HOLMES: He says we should go for a beer now then maybe some hookers later. Tomathy: Hookerses-hookers? Why Holmes, that just might be what he’s saying! He is continental after all… But I think I need a shave. HOLMES: (Shouts straight at Stefan) Beer! Beer now yeah?- Stefan: Ok. We can stop for a beer. I know a good place that you might like. Let’s make a move yes? Tomathy: Um? HOLMES: He sez to come the fuck on. The beer this way, Tomathy: Straight to the point and no faffing about! That'll do me dandy! A good beer as promised Holmes! Stefan: We should walk fast ok. HOLMES: Oddball. Tomathy: Stefan took us on a tour of the town. Stefan: Look, here you can see the National Socialist ‘Nazi’ Party offices at the Sterneckerbräu brewery. Then there is the Cornelius Straße, Schellingstraße, and the Brown House; Holmes: Oddball… Stefan: Osteria Bavaria, and Café Heck; fuck, fuck, fuck. Tomathy: Remarkable place. Stefan: Then on that side you can see the Schleissheimerstraße, Thierschstraße, and Prinzregentenplatz. Tomathy: Look at these buildings there- my- wonderful! HOLMES: Look at the dirt! Young ones all starvin’, covered in boils and blotches. Look at their faces! Spindle-spined and sick. Jesus Christ, never seen such disgustinglery. Tomathy: Yes, it’s a bit dull now you mention it… Stefan: Please gentlemen, we must go quickly. There is trouble on the streets tonight. Those idiot Nazis are planning a demonstration. Tomathy: Yes! What? HOLMES: He says hookers are cheaper before 9pm.  GERBIL: Life is a charade! It’s all in the mind! Tick tock! Stefan: Here we are. This is the Bürgerbräukeller. We will have the beer here. Oh, and Mr Tomathy Wilson, here is your money. Tomathy: Oh, money! Goody. HOLMES: That’s a quare lot of notes! Have nare got the pockets wide enough for all that. Tomathy: Ah thanks chap, now I know! This is the money I wired over in advance yes? Stefan: Yes. This is it. 2000 billion Reichmarks. (fart). Tomathy: Stefan! Holmes: Hahahahsksh! Stinkin’ German bastard. Tomathy: Look here Holmes, a 100 billion ‘Reichmark’ note! Foreign funny-money eh? Stefan: Yes. We have terrible hyperinflation these days. HOLMES: I’m watching you. Stefan: This 100 billion reichmark note is 5 English or Irish pounds. HOLMES: I can understand you. Don’t think I don’t. Stefan: Now this week it’s 40 billion for bread, it is crazy money! HOLMES: What is wrong with you? Whatever. Look at the big bundles of notes! You’re a flash whore Tomathy Wilson. Tomathy: I didn’t think I wired so much, I mean I hope not! Eh ask him how much a beer is in real money. HOLMES: Here you, beer- Cost- What? Stefan: Ah, yes, today, one beer is £1.25. Tomathy: Holmes? HOLMES: It’s cheap. He’s saying it’s cheap, come on, the cauld is atin’ me. Stefan: Yes. (Beer hall ambience with music) Tomathy: Oh! HOLMES: Bit the lord, the jugs on her. Tomathy: What a delightful racket! Holmes: What a delightful rack! On that fuckin’ bi- Tomathy: Ah I know what you mean Holmes! Hahahaha! Holmes: There’s tinglery in the bottom of the stomach there is. Tomathy: Oh I say, look at that. Stefan: Ok, let’s sit at this table. I will bring you the beer. HOLMES: Smell of the sausage about this place. Tomathy: Where is he going Holmes? HOLMES: To get you pissed. Tomathy: Oh my god! (Fart) HOLMES: Jesus, the foreign food, they’re all stinkin’! Hah? Problems? Tomathy: I don’t believe it, it’s not, ooh, couldn’t be. It IS you know. HOLMES: Hah are ya lookin at? Tomathy: Look, look Holmes it’s… HOLMES: Ah fuck off would ya, no way! What’s the overgrown gnome doin’ in a place like this? Tomathy: I know! SEAMUS: Lads, it’s youse lads! Ah here, this is mad. Holmes: You’re in the wrong country! Tomathy: Seamus Byrnie! The prison guard from the mental reservation Holmes! ‘MENTAL HOLMES 2 - PUTSCH IT HOLMES!’ is an Amplevoicepod audio adventure. It's 1923. We join Aubrey Holmes and Tomathy Wilson aboard a swiftly trundling pan-European train trip culminating in the Munich train station. Everything here is inflated: bread, beer and egos. Aubrey and Tomathy are in town to take rest and relaxation, their goal being Baden Baden, but there’s a slight problem with the local German translation from guide Stephan. It’s only the beginning of the experiment which putches them from beerhall to prison to operating table! They meet an old friend while enjoying a hearty lager at the local Burgerbraukeller. But trouble ensues, resulting in them being thrown into Landsberg prison. Within the panopticon Aubrey befriends a furious little cellmate who has big ideas for the future... But that is nothing compared to the fate that could befall Tomathy Wilson as he finally gets to meet the world-renowned surgen Dr. Voronoff at the Munich University Hospital. It could be more reinvigorating than Tomathy had bargained for. Bring me the monkey!

Tomathy: Blast! I should phone Eleanora to see that everything is alright. She could be worried sick! Holmes: Ooh now that’s fierce cold. Brrr. Tomathy: I know, I should’ve called her earlier. Wait, but oh, if I go back inside then we’ll be late for the meeting, no, I’ll call her on the way, there’s a Telephone Booth just outside Taylor’s Oil and Colour Merchants on Patrick Street. Holmes: What is all this Tom-foolery? The Gerbil: We’ve done it now. Holmes: How’d you get out? The Gerbil: No room for us AND the biscuits.., Holmes: Get back in there! Tomathy: No, I’ll phone her on the way, we can’t miss the meeting with the paper.         Tomathy: Eh, Holmes you don’t have to join me in here. Holmes: It’s a bit tight too, isn’t it? Tomathy: Peee-yooo, boy… you don’t half reek… Holmes: Like me and the Rope Gansella! Akskskskskshshshsh!!! Tomathy: Argh! Say it, don’t spray it! Holmes: Is that your leg? Tomathy: Phooo, bloody cold this evening, I thought it was meant to be Summer hmm? Holmes: I can rub ya if yis want… Tomathy: Eh no thanks Aubrey. Still ringing, that’s unusual, she’s always home by 7- Holmes: She’s gone out on the mickeys! Akskskskskshshshkskskh! Tomathy: No answer, we must go home at once, something’s not right. Come on! Go! Nowww!! Holmes: Ah here… Tomathy: The paper will have to wait for tomorrow. Davey: Hello? Hello? Is that... Tomathy Wilson? It’s you isn’t it? You were at the scene of the crime today! Tomathy: EH? Sorry chap, can’t talk now, in a terrible hurry… call my office in the morning. Davey: No, Mr. Wilson, it was you who wanted to talk to me. I’m Davey Maybury... of the Examiner, you phoned me a few minutes ago, we were just on our way down to Mangan’s… Tomathy: Awfully sorry Davey, we do want to speak to you but something’s come up. Davey: Oh yeah? About Jim the Slipper is it? Get a few shots Miley… Holmes: Get out of me face with that yoke! Tomathy: I can’t possibly comment. Davey: It is, isn’t it Mr Wilson? Off on another lead? A little bird told me that you go in for the amateur detecting of a weekend! What have you got? Tomathy: I assure you it’s nothing like that, very mundane, just a crossed appointment, sorry, I’ll call you in the morning, ok? First thing! Thank you for your time... Holmes: Stop that or I’ll smash it off yer face!!! Davey: You’ve got information for me Mr Wilson. Tomathy: For the last time, we’ll discuss it tomorrow, really now, I must insist we be let on our way! Holmes: Aghghgh! Blinded! Davey: It’s half past seven. Don’t drag us out here for nothing Mr. Wilson. At least a titbit, something to get us going! Have to keep the story alive you know! Tomathy: Listen if you really want to focus on someone, focus on my friend here, this is the great Aubrey Holmes, now he’s a real detective! A top dog in sleuthing, hot on the tail of Jim the Slipper! Now, if you please, we are in a rush! Holmes: Hah? What are you sayin’? He’s opened up the clacker valve! Davey: Amazing! Aubrey Holmes eh? This’ll make page 5 for sure! Miley, back to the office, have a write up to do! God bless yis Gentlemen and mind the snipers! Holmes: Youse’ve done it now sure, that’s it. Tomathy: No Holmes, this has been all your good work, without you we’d never have made it into the papers! Quick, oh, I see, I see a light on in the front room… That’s, that’s reassuring. Holmes: Here, do youse always leave your door open like this? That’s quaren stupid, sure anyone could come in an’- Tomathy: Holmes! HOLMES! Holmes: HAH? Tomathy: There’s… oh... my... God… Holmes: Wha is it? Tomathy: It’s a.. slipper. A purple, velvet, slipper on the doorstep…Oh Holmes. Holmes: Slipperses?! Tomathy: HE’S GOT HER! He’s taken her! Holmes: Excuse me. The Gerbil: Hello Tarquin. Holmes: (Shock) AHHHH! The Gerbil: It’s about time I dropped in. Holmes: What’s going on?! Tomathy: Oh my God Holmes! What do we do? The Gerbil: Frantic isn’t he? Relax now Tarquin. All is on track. Holmes: No! It’s YOU!        Tomathy: I know! It’s because of me! Wendle Brindle knows we’re onto him and he has herHolmes! The Gerbil: Haha! Of course it’s me. And who are you mmm? Holmes: I’M MADDEN THE HEAD, I’M MADDEN THE HEAD! Tomathy: I’m beside myself too! It’s time to involve the police. The Gerbil: Of course you are and I control you Tarquin. Remember? Holmes: NO YOU DON’T! STAY AWAY! Tomathy: What, but this is my wife’s life Holmes! We have to get the po-lice! The Gerbil: They couldn’t keep me locked away forever Tarquin. Holmes: Stoppit you faithless bollocks! Tomathy: What’s wrong with you Holmes? They can help us! The Gerbil: Remember me and you and Wendle, all inside… Holmes: WENDLE BRINDLE! Tomathy: Jesus Holmes! The Gerbil: I was going to use Wendle but then you came along. Holmes: BAD BRAINS! BAD BRAINS! Tomathy: Holmes, you’re not making any sense. Calm down! The Gerbil: You drove him mad so drove me to use you instead. Holmes: NOOOOO! Tomathy: Grab a hold of yourself man! Think Aubrey, think! Please. The Gerbil: We have arrived at the endgame. Tempus Fugit Tarquin. Leave this sad article behind. Holmes: Shut up, ya big mouth of flowers! He’s, he’s better than you! Tomathy: I say! Are you mocking me Holmes? Wendle is better than me? So he has my wife? How dare you! And where’d all this ‘mouth of flowers’ come from? You really choose your moments don’t you! I mean- The Gerbil: Tick tock Tarquin. Time to ‘run for the hills’! Holmes: Wha? NO! Tomathy: Then what did you mean? ‘Mouth of Flowers’! I’ve never heard such rub-OH MY GOD! WHY THAT’S IT HOLMES! The Gerbil: ‘Run for the hills’ Tarquin! Holmes: ARGGGGHHH!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS! MAKE IT ORDERLY! Tomathy: Wait Holmes! You’ve cracked it! And I thought you were being insanely rude to me! I should have never doubted you for a second! Holmes: RUN FOR THE HILLS! Tomathy: YES! Speed is of the essence. I’m right behind you! She must be there. It’s where everyone goes when they want to be alone. Oh my poor darling. Holmes: I’ll show ya, ya ‘flowery mouth’! Tick tock! Tick tock! BAD BRAINS’LL MAKE IT ORDERLY! Tomathy: Genius Holmes, just magnificent! Flowery mouth; The Mouth of Flowers! - Beal na mbláth! As the indigenous translate it! And to think it was where I first kissed Eleanora too!  Holmes: Slippery! DORT! (Scrambles up the hill…). Tomathy: Careful! Could be irregulars up here you know.  Holmes: RUN TO THE HILLS! SLIPPERY! DORT! Tomathy: My, there’s no stopping you Holmes! What would I have done without you? Crying in self-pitying circles that’s what! She’s alive, I know it! And it’s thanks to you sir! Lead on! Voices: They’re coming in from Bandon! The Big Fella’s coming! Tomathy: Holmes, did you hear that? It’s Michael Collins, he’s on his way!  Holmes: Mary! MARY! OH MARY PICKFORD! How did yis cause so much trouble? I love yis! Tomathy: Eh, right… Gosh it’s chilly up on top. What’s our move old boy? Holmes: Feckin’ drove Wendle Brindle mad! Me, ‘Madden the Head’. How’d I do it? Have tomake it orderly again, like before. Like he said! Akskskskskskhhh! Tomathy: Holmes? I don’t follow. What’s the plan? Holmes: Hah? Tomathy: Holmes? Hello? Holmes: What the fuck are youse doing here? Tomathy: What? Holmes Did youse follow me? Tomathy: I say, you were leading the way! Of course I was following you! Holmes: Ya feckin’ eegit! You’ll get yourself killed! Tomathy: But Holmes you can’t do it by yourself, she’s my wife. Holmes: I have to make it orderly. Like before. GO WAY FROM ME! (Pushes Tomathy…). Tomathy: (Falls) HOLMES! What the blast? Aubrey, what are you… Holmes: (whispers) Make it orderly! Like before! … Bad brains mammy… Bad brains… Tomathy: Holmes! You have a GUN? OH MY! Holmes: Go home softlad! Nare’s a place for you here. Ahahaha! Tomathy: Please Aubrey, please! If you won’t let me help you then just, just get her back! Holmes: What are yis goin’ on about? GET WHO? HER? WHO’S SHE? Tomathy: My WIFE Holmes, my- don’t point that thing at me! Holmes: Youse are an eegit! Youse see nothing with the lights on! Youse follow me and Inare know why! Yours woman is up to the dirt! She’s the dirt! Tomathy: Stop it Holmes! Wendle Brindle has her! Up here on Beal Na mBláth! Holmes: Wendle Brindle! Nathin’ to do witcha sure! He’s as nathin’. He’s gone! Gone forever! You mean the Slippery Stanton bastard?! He’s been up on your wife! All along! He’s took her up here to drive his mickey in her. And she wants it too! There’s no kidnappery in that! SHE IS DORT! Now get out of me way! MOVE! Stanton: Not so fast. Tomathy: Stanton? Stanton: Tomathy... Eleanora: Tomathy! Tomathy: Eleanora? Stanton: Aubrey. Holmes: GOBSHITES! Stanton: Put down the Gun Holmes. Tomathy: Another gun? Eleanora: I’m sorry Tomathy… Mental Holmes I is an Amplevoicepod ear-film. Time to travel to Cork, Ireland in 1922 and meet a mysterious man clutching a wooden lunch-box to his ear. There’s been a murder. Attorney-at-law Tomathy Wilson fancies his detection delectation to identify the perpetrator and sow it all up. Until he sees a man with a wooden lunchbox wearing Tomathy's best suit (stolen off his washing line), at the scene of the crime! From there on in, things begin to unwittingly unravel via a variety of clues left by Stanton Pulvertuft, Eleanora Wilson, Mr. Tash at 'Ladies Underclothing', Seamus Byrnie and Mrs Brindle. Come hither 'til we enter the world of the 'Gerbil' and fling open the doors of 'Mental Holmes'. Don’t forget to bring the hang sangidges! The weird & winning, 72 minute audio adventure podcast that redefines how special podcasts can be… Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Amplevoicepod is the Voice of Pod, we can't just sit around a microphone and talk about the latest cultural thing on our minds! Oh no! We exist in glorious isolation, bringing you unique and original stories with our shows. It's big, it's bold, it's podcasting done right.

Seamus: She’s a sweetheart, you shan’t have a problem with her, but make it quick, we should be upstairs. Tomathy: Appreciate it enormously old bean, doing a good turn, I’ll see to it that you get a commendation from the board for your excellent cordiality. What’s your name? Seamus: Thank you sir! Byrnie sir, Seamus Byrnie. Tomathy: Thank you Seamus, sterling work beyond the call! Brindle: Ok, I’m, I’m ready. Tomathy: Pssst, Holmes… Holmes: Hah? (Unlock and door swings open) Seamus: Five minutes Gwen alright? Brindle: Of course Dear. Hello gentlemen, please excuse my appearance, I haven’t- eh, for what do I owe this unexpected pleasure? Tomathy: No, no, the pleasure is most certainly ours Mrs. Brindle. Brindle: Oh! Holmes: Hello. I-am-Aubrey Holmes-please-to-meet-you. Brindle: Eh I’m- Tomathy: And my name is Tomathy Wilson, partner at law from Pulvertuft & Wilson, this is my fellow legal associate Mr. Holmes. Brindle: I’m not quite sure I, em- Holmes: Can-I-sit-down-please? Tomathy: We have a present for you. Brindle: A present? For me? Tomathy: Yes, it’s from your good acquaintance Mr. Tash from his clothing store Mrs. Brindle. Brindle: Oh Mr Tash! What a delight! Tomathy: Sorry to say we couldn’t have it wrapped due to security here but here it is, I hope you don’t mind the brandishing of it in public but- Holmes: Knickerses! Brindle: Oh! Oh my word! Ha! Ha! Mr. Tash you cheeky devil! But I don’t know if I will fit that anymore though! What a wonderful gesture! I’m-I’m- do you know Mr. Tash personally? Tomathy: Why yes! My wife shops with him all the time! Holmes: With her skirt up to the horizon hah? Brindle: Please pass on to Mr Tash my heartfelt thanks and good wishes in return would you? Tell him I hope to see him soon, when, when I’m better. Yes. Tomathy: Mrs. Brindle, while I’m with you, may I be as so bold to ask, what has you here? Brindle: Oh my dear. It’s a little bit too raw at the moment, forgive me. Tomathy: Ah. Holmes: A-problem-shared-is-a-problem-haf-haf-divideded. Tomathy: Holmes. Brindle: (Sigh) No, no, he’s right, I mean, it’s good to share… I’ve nothing else to do tonight do I? Holmes: Few minutes. Few minutes. Keep it short now. Gnnnngngngn! Brindle: Well I’m here- it’s- (sigh) my son was placed here for being wrongly associated with the irregulars after the burning of the city. He was not meant to be there! They arrested him on his way home with provisions and slammed in a cell with no hearing or anything. He was not meant to be here! Night after night he wrote in his letters to me, on the visits he showed me- the leather marks across his body, the beatings, the torture… They said he had the ‘bad brains’, ‘bad brains!!!’ Holmes: (Stifles a laugh) Cough akskshh.. Tomathy: Go on Mrs Brindle. Brindle: I mean he wouldn’t lift a finger in anger! Not to anyone! But again and again they laid into him time after time after time. ‘Bad brains’! ‘Bad brains’! he said. Holmes: Aksksksh. (Trying to stop laughing) Tomathy: (Admonishingly) Holmes! Brindle: They corrupted, (Sniff) they corrupted his tiny little mind and broke my heart. ‘Bad brains’!! Holmes: (Splurts out a jokey mimic) Akskskskkshshshs Bad brains!! Bad Brains! Drove ‘imMad in the head! Brindle: My God!!! That’s the- that’s the- Tomathy: Aubrey! Have you lost your marbles? Brindle: IT’S YOU! Holmes: Hah? Brindle: YOU! He said it was a ‘sick gurgling laugh’ with the goggly eyes and a strange accent!!! Tomathy: Ehm, Mrs Brindle- Brindle: YOU TORTURED MY SON! Holmes: Is she lookin’ at me? Has she just gone Madden the Head now hah? Got the screw loose! Screw loose now ya have! Settle down ya mad eegit! She’s gone for the wick in it! Hah? Akskskshskkshshsh! You’re in the right place for it anyways! Tomathy: Holmes!!! Stop it! Can’t you see she’s- Holmes: AHHHHHHHH!!! Bad sounds! (Unlocking of cell door) Brindle: YOU! YOUUUUU! GUARD GUARD!!! IT’S HIM! IT’S HIM! Seamus: Jesus Christ lads, what ya do to her! It’s okay Gwen! Relax love! Tomathy: She’s just lost her head. I mean, we only talked for a moment, I don’t- Brindle: Seamus, Seamus! IT’S HIMMMM!!!! YOU DID IT!!! YOU PUT ME HERE!!!! Holmes: Hah? Ts’okay. You-are-in-the-right-place-love. Doctor see you now in a minute. Give ya the sleeping juice right? Brindle: YOU DROVE MY WENDLE INSANE!!! MY WENDLE with the ’BAD BRAINS!!!! Seamus: You better get out of here, she’s having an episode. Take the stairs at the end. You should know the way back right? Hurry! Tomathy: Come on Holmes! Holmes: What IS goin’ on? (Hurried scuffle away from the screams) Tomathy: Wow! That one made the eyebrows waggle! She just flipped her lid! Holmes: I’ve nare seen the likes of it! Tomathy: She loved you. Holmes: Ahshhskksghsksksksksh!!! Tomathy: Oh, and did you hear she said that her son’s name was ‘Wendle’ Holmes: What type of a name is that sure? Tomathy: Wendle Brindle… Hmm, could this be our man Holmes? Holmes: Where is he till we ask the hoar? Tomathy: I don’t know! But we’ll jolly well find out. (Runs up from distance) Seamus: Lads! Lads! Hold up! Holmes: Ah there ya are now. Did ya throw her a box in the face to shut her up? Seamus: No, she passed out with the stress. It’s happened before, but never with visitors. Tomathy: Don’t worry Seamus, we won’t say a word if you don’t. Seamus: Are you sure? Lads, I need this job and I can’t- Tomathy: Mum’s the word. Holmes: Believe me you me hah, sure who’d believe her anyway, she’s a witch! Tomathy: Tell me Seamus, who is this ‘Wendle’ character she was belting on about? Seamus: Oh that is her real son alright; Wendle Brindle. Tomathy: Where is the young fox now do you think? Seamus: Well he used to be in here. Tomathy: Really? And now? Seamus: I shouldn’t really be telling you this but- Holmes: Sshshshs, the walls have earses… Tomathy: (whispers) Go on… Seamus: A month ago there was a breakout… seems as far as I was told, there were 4 mental patients escaped from the B wing down the slope… Made off god knows where. They say Wendle Brindle was one of them. That’s all I know. Tomathy: They kept it on the hush hush ay? Don’t want that sort of thing getting into the papers hmm? Holmes: Fuckin’ sure.     Seamus: No-one knows how they got out, the General Warden is still investigating. Tomathy: Fascinating! Seamus: Yeah, and there’s a rumour it was an inside job too! Sure there’s been all manner of security changes going on. Tomathy: Yes I know… our firm is going through all contracts as we speak! Well I’ll be damned! I didn’t know what the root cause of all this was but- (Running down staircase) Stanton: Tomathy! What the devil? What are you doing here? Seamus: Eh, this way sir. Tomathy: Stanton! On our way up to see you! Thank you Guard, that will be all. Seamus: Yes sir. Holmes: Bye now. Tomathy: Thought we’d save you a lonely jaunt down the hill. Such a lovely evening too, showing Aubrey here the sights. Stanton: Well this is one hell of a sight, I’m with you there. Shall we go? Holmes: Just geh out of this place! Stinks of DORT! Tomathy: My thoughts exactly, after you Holmes! Stanton: Creepy huh? You want to see the General Warden, now there’s a face to sink ships. Tomathy: Marvellous, 7pm! We’re making good time too! Should get a good table at Mrs. Murphyarty’s ahead of the evening throng what? Two smoothies then a hot toddie and back home for afters! Holmes: Excuse me for a moment… (Hinge of bread basket opens, ad lib...) (Door of Prison slams shut) Mental Holmes I is an Amplevoicepod ear-film. Time to travel to Cork, Ireland in 1922 and meet a mysterious man clutching a wooden lunch-box to his ear. There’s been a murder. Attorney-at-law Tomathy Wilson fancies his detection delectation to identify the perpetrator and sow it all up. Until he sees a man with a wooden lunchbox wearing Tomathy's best suit (stolen off his washing line), at the scene of the crime! From there on in, things begin to unwittingly unravel via a variety of clues left by Stanton Pulvertuft, Eleanora Wilson, Mr. Tash at 'Ladies Underclothing', Seamus Byrnie and Mrs Brindle. Come hither 'til we enter the world of the 'Gerbil' and fling open the doors of 'Mental Holmes'. Don’t forget to bring the hang sangidges! The weird & winning, 72 minute audio adventure podcast that redefines how special podcasts can be… Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Amplevoicepod is the Voice of Pod, we can't just sit around a microphone and talk about the latest cultural thing on our minds! Oh no! We exist in glorious isolation, bringing you unique and original stories with our shows. It's big, it's bold, it's podcasting done right.

Tomathy: Just in time, 5 to 6. (sniff) Oh dear, smell of the chandler’s wax about this place Holmes. Holmes: Yis have a sensitive snorkle there Mr Tomathy. Tash: (Apprehensive) Yeees? We’re just about to shut up shop for the evening you know, can I help you gentlemen? Are you buying for yourself or a loved one today? Holmes: Look at the slimey combed head on that lad. Tomathy: Ah! Good evening to you Mr. Tash. We’re in the hunt for a good old pair of ladies slippers! Tash: For your good lady Sir? Tomathay: Something like that… What’s in stock? Holmes: (Reads) Ladies-personal-underclothes, made-in-our-own-factory, hah? That’s quaren good now. Tash: Well Sir, for the present summer season we have everything you need sir. Tomathy: Well, come to think of it, we are looking for a special type, that right Holmes? Holmes: Hah? Tomathy: A purple velvet slipper set Holmes yes? That’s it isn’t it? Yes, yes, I think it is… Tash: Purple velvet slippers you say? Tomathy: Yes, I believe I did. Tash: No. Tomathy: Excuse me? Tash: All gone. Holmes: Gone? Who’s gone? Tash: There are no velvet slippers in this shop sir. Tomathy: Ah, that’s, that’s a real pity Mr. Tash, I was hoping awfully if you could assist us in this most pressing matter. Holmes: You! Come here to me… Tash: Me sir? Holmes: Looka, we’re on a mission. Have to find the purple velvet slipperses. Y’understand? Tash:     Are you alright sir? I said I have none. We’re completely out. And to be frankly honest with you sir, I’m surprised you ask. Holmes: You’re fuckin’ surprised??? Get on outta that now… You have the look of a right ‘lad’ now, fairs to God with the little black creamy comb over. Tash: I beg your pardon Sir? Holmes: What’s he sayin’ to me? Tomathy: I think, Mr Tash, what my good friend here is trying to impress upon your good nature is that he’s surprised that you are surprised. Why so Mr. Tash? Holmes: Wha are you hidin’? Tash: Well, I’m surprised that you ask about the slippers because, well… yes, b-because of the police and- Holmes: The po-leese? Tomathy: Oh yes, have they been here? Tash: Noooo. No policeman here. No, they ignored me all together! They went to Betty’s and God bless her she hasn’t two brain cells to rub together. Just because Constable Riordan fancies her! … I presume we’re all talking about the murder of the young females now yes? Holmes: Bloodery slippery bastard!! I’d quaren choke him so I would. Tomathy: So what about it old chap? Purple velvet slippers, size 5, square toe, round heel with an oriental floral design? Tash: Hmm, so, you and your friend here are infatuated by Jim the Slipper? Seeking out the slippers of the dead females for some sexual thrill are you? Tomathy: Good God sir! No, no, we’re concerned as citizens that the police aren’t particularly interested in catching this brute what with the war and all that, too busy trying to avoid a bullet in the head I suspect… so- Tash: Please sir. Shhh. (Whispers) You are in the right place sir! Tomathy: What? I say, maybe you have got the wrong end of the- Tash: Velvet slippers uh-huh, uh-huh, right? Right? I get you… Tomathy: You ‘get me’? Tash: Oh yes sir. Tomathy: Sorry Mr. Tash, ‘slippering’ I didn’t quite?- Tash: (Getting excited) Excellent! Keeping it tight! Very good sir. I love it.Tomathy: No I think you have- Tash: I see what you need! Holmes: Akskskskskskshhh Tomathy: No, I think we’re getting- Tash: Because a good technique is essential! Tomathy: -off topic somewhat here- Tash: The slipper can be administered in the so-called traditional over knee position or, Tomathy: Mr Tash I- Tash: Usually for older recipients, bending over an item of furniture- (Whips slipper through air) Holmes: Handy to know. Tash: This could deliver a very painful stroke, Tomathy: Mr Tash I- Tash: -depending on the force with which it was used, a size 11, well-worn, flexible slipper would deliver more sting than one that was new and stiff. Typically this would involve two or three quick, sharp swats across the seat of the offender's parts. Holmes: He’s gettin’ into this! Tash: The velvet slipper is the very best for a slippering. Six powerful strokes of the slipper! Buttocks! Buttocks! Lightly bruised for days! Providing a further reminder each time he sat down!!! Oh yessss… Holmes: Ah here… Tomathy: Mr Tash! Mr Tash! We are NOT here to indulge you in your FANTASIES of tanning human hide, we are here seeking information on Jim the Slipper’s calling card; the purple velvet slipper! Tash: Oh, oh my… Holmes: Well said Tomathy Wilson! That shook ‘im. Tash: I completely misread the situation. I-I- Tomathy: Please take your hand from there before you be-shit yourself, Tash: I’m most terribly sorry… Tomathy: Better use it to flick through your sales book there.Tash: Yes, the ledger… Tomathy: Over the summer. Tash: Certainly sir! Tomathy: What purchases have been made for a size 5 purple oriental square-toed slipper! Tash: Yes, sorry sirs, em… (Leafing through the sales ledger) Tomathy: I mean Holmes… really… have you ever seen the like of it before? Holmes: Excuse me – (Hinge bread basket opens)  Tash: Em, what I read in the Examiner, the one you seek is probably English made, around the 1895/turn-of-the-century mark. Eh, 12, 13 no 14 shillings! That’s it. Tomathy: And? Tash: Eh, no, I can’t, there’s, no, I can’t see any large purchases for the slipper style you speak of sir. Tomathy: Are you sure there’s nothing there Mr. Tash? Holmes: Sorry, I’m back now, what did I miss? Tash: Sorry sir, nothing. Holmes: Hah? Tomathy: Well he says there’s nothing in the books about buying any purple slippers! Bugger it to hell! Holmes:               Better off going to the cinema to see Mary Pickford after all. Tomathy: Anything? Anything at all? The devil is always in the detail you know! Tash: Wait, did you say Mary Pickford? Holmes: Ah sure jayzus imagine what sort of eegit buys twenty pairs of slippers anyway?? Hah? Now they’d have to be mad in the Head. Mad as a bag of squirrels! Akskskskshhh! Tomathy: Holmes? Holmes? Holmes: Hah? Tash: You said Mary Pickford.Holmes: You likes her too?? She’s quaren gorgeous. Oh, sticks the sweet toe right inside the slipper… oooh. Tash: It’s funny but, my best customer’s a huge Mary Pickford fan. Tomathy: Really? Tash: She never stopped going on about her. Tomathy: Does she buy slippers? Tash: No, that’s the thing, she was always in for girdles, garters and gussets but never got a slipper from me this year, But- Tomathy:But what? Tash: She was the last one to buy large amounts of slipper here, early last year though! Tomathy: Good lord WHAT? Tash: (Sigh) But, she won’t be coming here anymore. Holmes: I’m not surprised with you rubbin’ up behind the counter on about the slaps all day! Tomathy: Why does this woman not come here anymore Mr. Tash? Tash: Well, because she’s been locked away up in the City Mental Reservation. Holmes: Eh, excuse me… (Hinge of bread basket) Tomathy: Who is this woman? What happened to her? Why was she buying large amounts of slippers? For herself? Tash: Oh poor Mrs Brindle, such a shame. She had so much going for. Ah I sorely miss her custom. (Holmes shouting angrily at his box) Tash: Seems she went mad from her teenage son being wrongly imprisoned from stealing down at the docks. Had a nervous breakdown. Poor wretch. Tomathy: Did you hear that Holmes? Holmes? Holmes, where are you? Holmes: Hello. Tomathy: Oh! There you are. Listen, I think we may have something Holmes. It’s a long shot but seems a Mrs. Brindle was locked up in the loony bin because of a son, and she loved Mary Pickford too- Holmes: I want to speak to her! Tomathy: Yes. My thoughts exactly, we should speak to her. Why Holmes that might just be it! Holmes: We need to see her! Tomathy: You think NOW? Tash: That would be difficult… Holmes: Excuse me… Tash: Why does he walk off like that? Tomathy: To think things through in peace. He’s a genius. Tash: He looks like something different alright. Tomathy: He’s from the capital. Holmes: I said NO! WE GO! (Hinge of basket slamming shut) Tomathy: Love watching him work. Amazing. Tash: Is he some sort of detective?Holmes: Tomathy Wilson, take me to the City Mental Reservation. We must see Mrs Brindle! It’s our new mission! Tomathy: I like your style Aubrey. Mr Tash, you’ve been enormous help but please, next time, keep the spanking to yourself. Tash: Oh I will… Good luck to you sirs! Holmes: Arrghgh! Get these hob goblins out of me head!!! (Plastic things falling and ripping cloth) Tomathy: Careful Holmes… you’ll knock over the mannequins! Holmes: Ah attacked by bloomerses! Ah tickles! Akskskshshkskshsh! Tash: Keep it, keep it, it’s yours! (Door Closes) Holmes: Fuck’s sake. Mental Holmes I is an Amplevoicepod ear-film. Time to travel to Cork, Ireland in 1922 and meet a mysterious man clutching a wooden lunch-box to his ear. There’s been a murder. Attorney-at-law Tomathy Wilson fancies his detection delectation to identify the perpetrator and sow it all up. Until he sees a man with a wooden lunchbox wearing Tomathy's best suit (stolen off his washing line), at the scene of the crime! From there on in, things begin to unwittingly unravel via a variety of clues left by Stanton Pulvertuft, Eleanora Wilson, Mr. Tash at 'Ladies Underclothing', Seamus Byrnie and Mrs Brindle. Come hither 'til we enter the world of the 'Gerbil' and fling open the doors of 'Mental Holmes'. Don’t forget to bring the hang sangidges! The weird & winning, 72 minute audio adventure podcast that redefines how special podcasts can be… Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Amplevoicepod is the Voice of Pod, we can't just sit around a microphone and talk about the latest cultural thing on our minds! Oh no! We exist in glorious isolation, bringing you unique and original stories with our shows. It's big, it's bold, it's podcasting done right.

Holmes: Eh hello? Tomathy: Aubrey! Eleanora: T-t-tea or coffee? Holmes: Eh- Tae. Tae is good. Tomathy: Wonderful, Darling? Eleanora: Buttering the scones! Tomathy: Holmes, you’ll love these. Eleanora: Here you go! Holmes: Tanks! (eats) aw… aw… aw stop! Fuckin’ quaren… aw… that’s fuckin’ gorgeous that is! Eleanora: Ahem, dear, can you get the preserves from the pantry? Tomathy: Rather busy with the tea dear. Holmes: It’s ok, I’ll get it for yis! (Door cracks open, mangle falls and collapse). Holmes: (Spit) ARHGH! Me big toe! Fuck it! Aw the pain of it. Eleanora: My god… Tomathy: Oh careful! Aubrey! Are you alright? Holmes: I’m all right now. I’m ok. Tomathy: Damned bloody mangle! I knew it would hurt someone someday. Eleanora! Why was the mangle put there? Holmes: Ah but your f-n mangle! Look at it! That’ll na’er work at all! Eleanora: Don’t touch it! It’s broken, just, just leave it would you? Tomathy: Yes, she doesn’t need one… She can dry by hand. Holmes: Wha? Are yis mad in the head or what? I can fix your mangle! Won’t be brokey after I get at ‘er! Sure that’s what I used to do! I fucka sure used to order things, put them in order like. Everything was all orderly y’see? Bad brains! (Clank, spindle, clunk) Holmes: Fixed perfect, just like little Mary Pickford. Eleanora: I’m sorry. Tomathy: He means Mary Pickford the actress! How many Mary Pickfords do you know down in Atkin’s Haberdashery? Holmes: Ah Mary Cinderella! Mary THE Cinderella! Bestest film ever! (slurps tea) Tomathy: You know, methinks I read in the Examiner that the Pavillion is showing her latest movie- Eleanora: Little Lord Fauntleroy… Tomathy: Yes! Holmes: Mary Pickford THE Cinderella with the dancing fairies through the window!! Greatness! Ah here, the ugly stepsisters! Curse a god on it! Whores! An’ an’ an’ the Fairy Godmother instructs her to round up some mice and rats! Mice and rats, have yis ever heard the likes of it? Mary Pickford had the face on her sayin’ like ‘what’s goin’ on’, none can piss on ‘er! Ashsskshskshsh! (farts) Oooh, then the slippers, Ugly sisters had fierce feckin’ bulbous feet so they couldn’t fit even one swollen toe into the slipper!! But Mary Pickford had the quaren gorgeous little pinkies on her. Slid right into the slipper so she did. An’ she went off to the ball! I tells yis, I’d smell her all night! Eleanora: And you are telling me he’s not- Tomathy: Cinderella you say?!! Hmm. Holmes: Mary Pickford’s sweet step into the slipper! Hah? Not like this ‘Jim the Slipper’! Tomathy: (Finger snap) Good lord! Why, Why, that just might be it Holmes! Holmes: Hah? Tomathy: It completely goes against my theory but you could be right! Holmes: Yes. I am right! I am? Tomathy: Yes, yes, you most certainly are old chap. It’s a Cinderella metaphor isn’t it!! The killer places a purple velvet ladies slipper in the right hand of the woman. How did you get it? Amazing. Whoever this Jim the Slipper is, he’s- Holmes: Well he’s not fuckin’ me for sure anyway! Eleanora: Don’t be so sure. Holmes: Wha? Is your womanery tellin’ that I’ve done killin’s? I’ve never done killin’s to any livin’ alive human nor animal! Tomathy: No of course not Aubrey! Eleanora really!! Holmes: She’s dirt! Excuse me! Eleanora: What did he call me? Tomathy! Tomathy: Why’s he going into the pantry. Dear boy, I don’t think- Eleanora: Tom! Get him out of here. (Hinge of bread basket) Holmes: They think I murder-red the young one on the road, sure we didn’t do such a thing did we? The Gerbil: Relax. They just don’t know who we are. Holmes: Who are we though? I mean, what are we doin’ here? The Gerbil: We are on a mission. And Tomathy Wilson is going to help us. We must convince him of your innocence. Holmes: Never mind him, it’s the other one in the flowery skirt needs it mo-are! The Gerbil: Never mind her, she’s beside the point. Listen carefully… Tomathy: I say Holmes, I don’t mean to be a drag but might you be a time in the pantry? Holmes: Quickly, come on! The Gerbil: This Jim the Slipper business, it’s perfect. Tomathy thinks it’s some Cinderella metaphor, and well, we are very clever. He knows it. We know it. Use it. (Hinge of bread basket) Tomathy: Ah Holmes? (Pantry door swings open)- Holmes: Tomathy Wilson. It-is-a-Cinderella-metaphor… We must go the cinema to see Mary Pickford. There will be answers. Thank you for the scones Mrs Wilson… Tomathy: (Finger snap) I knew it! Thought it out in the pantry didn’t you. In the quiet. No infantile interruptions or observations to break the concentration! I like your style Holmes. To the cinema it is. We’re onto something here! Eleanora: Really Tomathy? On to something? Are you insane? Tomathy: Poppycock. What’s the name of the Pickford film again darling? Eleanora: ‘My stupid husband’. Tomathy: I’m sure that wasn’t it. Come along Holmes, we have work to do! Holmes: Lovely cupcakes youse have.Eleanora: Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me like that… Holmes: Bye now. The Gerbil: While his wife wasn’t; Tomathy Wilson was a trusting sober soul. My friend was happy to help guide him in this case of murder. We were behind but we still went toward the Pavilion cinema to see Mary Pickford.(Street cars, horns, bicycles) Tomathy: I say Holmes, careful as we walk down here, there’s been one or two hairy situations with the snipers over the last few days. Holmes: More bloodery? Tomathy: Afraid so old chap. Friday night with Eleanora leaving Atkins. An unmerciful volley let rip over the roof tops. We all feel in a heap with the cheese and pickles everywhere. No, no Holmes, this is no time to be wandering the streets willy-nilly. Ah, here we are; the Pavillion. Tickets now a shilling I fear what with the buggers trying to recoup the construction cost. Opened up only last March. Holmes: I did not know that Tomathy Wilson. Teller: Good evening gentlemen; Robin Hood, Nosferatu or Little Lord Fauntleroy? Tomathy: Oh mind the dirt there Holmes. Holmes: Dirt! I smells it. Tomathy: No-one’s clean that up since Egan’s burned down two years ago! Two for Little Lord Fauntleroy please. Teller: That’ll be a cost of 8 pennies to you sir, reduced price for the final show of the run. Tomathy: Ah top hat. Now we’ll get some answers ay Holmes? Holmes: Yes that be right. Stanton: Hey you bounder! Slacking off the job are you? This will not do! Holmes: Who’s this slippery queerhawk? Tomathy: Stanton! There you go, 8 pence. Teller: And two tickets, thank you sir, enjoy the film, next! Stanton: What you seeing? I hear Nosferatu gives you the willies! Brrr! Holmes: Mary Pickford sure! Are ya stupid or what? Stanton: Eh? Steady on! Is he with you Tomathy?Tomathy: Why of course he is Stanton! Let me introduce you. Stanton Pulvertuft meet Aubrey Holmes! Aubrey this is Stanton my good friend and partner at law. Stanton: Delighted to meet you old boy. Holmes: What is that mad woman doin’ back there, like she’s got a monkey on her back! Stanton: Eh, ok… Tomathy: He takes a bit of getting used to, does our Aubrey, he’s from the capital, a fellow legal eagle! What’s he looking at? Stanton: Is he now. I say Aubrey, what’s the capital saying about the Big Fella’s arrival down here. He’s just got into Bandon I heard. Holmes: She’s going to bate the shite out of him right now and I’m thinkin’ he quaren deserves it! Stanton: What’s that? I don’t see anyone. Wait a minute! I get you, it’s a metaphor! Tomathy: Yes! That’s the reason we are at the cinema. Stanton: Why, I don’t follow. Holmes: Looka! Dort! The DORT! The stupid eegit has dropped the feckin’ sand-wedge in the middle of the road! I knew it! I see it! I can see you!!! Stanton: Yep, I think you’ve lost me again. Holmes: I haven’t! Look at the dirt! Stanton: Em, I really don’t. Tomathy: Eh, yes, well, we’re going to see Little Lord Fauntleroy with Mary Pickford. Holmes has a theory about Jim the Slipper. Stanton: Does he now? Tomathy: And he says the answer will be in this film! Stanton: Fancy yourself as a bit of a detective then ay Holmes? Just like you Wilson, Holmes: He’s there lookin’ up at her with the tears rainin’ down his cheeks and the sand-wedge all covered in the dirt at his feet! It’s all DORT! Tomathy: Right. Best be heading in now Aubrey or we might miss something! Stanton: And me too! We got the City Mental Reservation deal! Tomathy: Oh Stanton that’s a peach of a contract! Top drawer! When do you need me?Stanton: Well I’ve to meet with the General Warden at 6pm to finalise. They’ve got some serious problems with the ‘renovations’, whatever that means; just got word of it at 5 o’clock there. Tomathy: Post office? Stanton: No not yet, got it across the wire, it’s up and running again. Seems the warden has got some huge issue but keep it on the hush hush for now ok? I’ll fill you in on the details when I get back. Mrs Murphyarty’s on the quay at 7.30 sharp? Tomathy: Ab-so-lute-ly! Stanton: Oh and eh bring Aubrey along, he looks like he’s good for a laugh and a Chutney Zinger! Wilson, got to run! Wish me luck! Tomathy: Break a leg! Holmes, we should dash in or we’ll miss the start! Holmes? Holmes: There’ll be bloodery! Tomathy: What? Where? Snipers? Holmes: NO! THE-ARE! Tomathy: You mean that poor woman with her child Holmes? I thought you were joshing with Stanton. But you were actually looking at… Holmes: Ah no! Ah looka! He’s not… ahhh, he feckin’ is. He dropped the sangwedge in the dirt and she has him only eatin’ the bread off the floor. Is she mad in the head or what? Ah the sickness. He’s going to have quaren mother issues when he grows up… he’ll hate her fierce much so he will. Tomathy: Holmes, really… I must insis-hang on… did you say… you did didn’t you? … Mother issues. (Finger snap) Of course! Yes, mother issues! Why, that just might be it Holmes! Holmes: Hah? Mental Holmes I is an Amplevoicepod ear-film. Time to travel to Cork, Ireland in 1922 and meet a mysterious man clutching a wooden lunch-box to his ear. There’s been a murder. Attorney-at-law Tomathy Wilson fancies his detection delectation to identify the perpetrator and sow it all up. Until he sees a man with a wooden lunchbox wearing Tomathy's best suit (stolen off his washing line), at the scene of the crime! From there on in, things begin to unwittingly unravel via a variety of clues left by Stanton Pulvertuft, Eleanora Wilson, Mr. Tash at 'Ladies Underclothing', Seamus Byrnie and Mrs Brindle. Come hither 'til we enter the world of the 'Gerbil' and fling open the doors of 'Mental Holmes'. Don’t forget to bring the hang sangidges! The weird & winning, 72 minute audio adventure podcast that redefines how special podcasts can be… Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Amplevoicepod is the Voice of Pod, we can't just sit around a microphone and talk about the latest cultural thing on our minds! Oh no! We exist in glorious isolation, bringing you unique and original stories with our shows. It's big, it's bold, it's podcasting done right.

The Gerbil: Hello. This is a story about a friend I helped guide, while never leaving his side. We were in Cork, Ireland. It was August 22nd 1922. A wet cold summer’s afternoon had a red-haired naked bearded man, taking a trip with his wooden lunch box… (Falling down hillside) Holmes: Ah! Uff. Fuck yis! Bad brains! Bad brains! Fuck yis. Ah look it, the knees are tore off us.  Can’t go more. Stop it. No. (Hinge of bread basket opens) The Gerbil: But we must. Holmes: No! The Gerbil: Tick tock! We have work to do! Holmes: Akskshsh! Sure look at me! I’m in the rags and only the dirt to keep me warm! The Gerbil: Shut up! Holmes: But, but, it’s been a quaren long time. They might be chasing us! The Gerbil: I’m sure ‘they’ are not. Holmes: How do you know sure? The Gerbil: Trust us. Holmes: But, yis don’t know where we are and what we’re supposed to be doin’! The Gerbil: We do. Concentrate! Or we forget things… Holmes: Hah? Am... I... Mad in the head? Is that what you’re sayin’? Am I mad in the head or what? The Gerbil: Just move! Holmes: Ah curse a god on it! Akshsksh! Quick. (Hinge of bread basket closes) (Starts running) Voiceover: A&M presents… An A&M production… Mental Holmes. Featuring Tomathy Wilson, Seamus Byrnie, Gwen Brindle and Stanton Pulvertuft. Including Eleanora Wilson, Davey Maybury, and Mr. Norman Tash. Holmes: Ooh! Looka! There be some houses down there. If yis leave the forest yis may be seen, but sure, if yis stay here; forest’ll ate us with the worms in me head n’ all. Gone! Here no more! Ah fuck it! Come on so! Follow me! (Jumps over a fence) Holmes: Right, careful now you. Like an adder in the glades… Ooh! Man-clothes on a washin’ line. That be ours now thanks, heheheh… Boots! And a coat too! Hah? Who leaves boots on the back porch…Yis’d be stupid to do that, sure they’d be stolen! Heheh, they’ll fit lovely too and no bother… Akskskskskhh! Quick! Don’t be an eejit! Put them on and let’s get goin’, are, are, are yis Madden the Head or what?? Come on! Jump over the fence will yis!!! (Jumps over a fence) Holmes: Come on! Around here… this way… Policeman: Excuse me sir. Holmes: Aah! Policemanses. How’d he get there?! Ah that’s it so, the games gone… Bad brains! Raise up the hands, no! no! Keep the hands in the pockets… slowly now… smile, smile at the nice policemanses so he may - not - bate - us. Policeman: Sir? Sir? Holmes: Hands - in - the - pocketses… Policeman: Sir? Can you hear me? Holmes: Okay, okay, I’m sorry! Very fuckin’ sorry. I didn’t know what was goin’ on and I just ran… ran away. That’s all. I swear! Oooh, what’s this now (fiddles in pocket)... Policeman: What is your name sir? Holmes: Looka! It’s a… it’s a… eh… Here ya go Sir… (cough)… (Card rustle as Policeman looks at the it) Policeman: This is your card sir? Your name is Aubrey Holmes is it? Holmes: Eh, well, sure as God it is an’ all yep, listen now, I know. I know. And I’m, I’m very sorry for what I have done. Policeman: That’s perfectly fine sir. You can’t be too careful these days? Holmes: Scuse me? Policeman: It is of course natural to be in a state of shock after seeing such a gruesome scene as this; anyone would be struggling to find words. And what with the current situation down here… well, it’s fully understandable sir. Holmes: Yes. That. Be. Right. Policeman: If you ask me I’m not sure we have the resources to deal with such a, forgive me for saying, insignificance, of a young murdered woman. Holmes: A woman? There’s been bloodery? Policeman: Thank you for your time Sir. Riordan! Riordan! We must report back to General Dalton at the Railway Station. Bloody irregulars, making it hard for everyone… Policeman: They’ve found a Thompson gun at Sullivan’s Quay. Under some blankets they said! Holmes: What’s goin’ on? He didn’t put the moves on us… I’m still freeborn! Askskskshshskkshh! Policeman: Ah! Mr Holmes? Mr Holmes?! Holmes: Curse a fuck. He’s copped on. That’s us fuckin’ done. Policeman: I’m sorry. Your card… I think we can rule you out sir. Holmes: Excuse me Mr Policeman, I, I’ll be back in a minute. Policeman: Of course, I shall not keep you, good day sir. Holmes: (Hinge opens) Wha’ WAS that? The Gerbil: We played that very well. Holmes: He was a polis-man. The Gerbil: Correct. Now stop drawing attention. Get us out of here. Holmes: No fear o’ that not happenin’. Looks like there’s been slaughter of the innocents. Not stickin’ around for that. The Gerbil: Exactly… Move! We are behind! The Gerbil: And there we were… My friend had found a good suit and boots to wear, had shown sufficient identification to the city policeman and we were now ready to move on. We were behind. But in front of us lay a slippery path. There was revolution in the air, confusion around, and a dead young woman on the ground. (Photographer snaps shots of dead body) Passerby: Oh God! Davey Maybury: Examiner! Comin’ through, coming through. Take a shot there Miley. Two slates. Officer! Davey Maybury from the Examiner, what’s the comment? Another lady’s slipper placed in the right hand of the victim. ‘Jim The Slipper’ strikes again? Make sure you get a good shot of ‘er Miley. (Photographer snaps shot) Davey Maybury: At last, a bit of work for meself wha? Tomathy: Tsk, tsk, oh  just lamentable. I mean. Terrible. She must have succumbed in most direful circumstance. The wretch. How many more? You… hmm… well would you look… isn’t that the most damned-est thing… It’s my… my-my… Eh, so if we are finished here officer I have other matters… to. Policeman: Of course Mr Wilson, we are done here. Tomathy: I hope you catch the brute, I mean… it’s the third one.  Policeman: He shan’t get far this time Mr Wilson. If we don’t get him, the army surely will. They’re already at the port and rail stations! Tomathy: Excellent! Let’s hope so. Good luck to you! (Bulb flashes) Passerby: Who was she lads? Was she nice? Ah the Big Fella will save the day sure. He’s the only man. Passerby: Ah look! Albert Lyons wants to get up on a dead one! Ha! He’d get up on a heifer sure. Holmes: Listen, no, listen, stop talkin’! Are youse sayin’ I’m mad in the head again? The Gerbil: Shut up. Someone’s coming. Tomathy: I say good fellow, how goes it? Terrible tragedy here ay? Holmes: Hah? (Hinge slams shut) Tomathy: I said; ‘terrible tragedy’? Holmes: I know, I’m very fuckin’ sorry. Tomathy: Yes, I’m sure you are. She was a seamstress working for Mrs Cotter on Patrick Street. Had her whole life in front of her. Holmes: Yeah. Sure that’s it n’ all now. Tomathy: I’m awfully sorry to intrude on you in such circumstances, normally one should keep one to oneself and all that, but, but all these killings do ruffle one’s feathers you know. Holmes: Feathers? Tomathy: Yes, feathers. You are not from around here are you? Holmes: No. Tomathy: Must be from the capital by the cut of your cloth ay?! Holmes: City, y-yes, that.... is. Yep. Tomathy: Ah I knew it! A solicitor too I suspect? Holmes: Ahp, that’s right, I’m here solicitin’. Solicitin’ all around and everywhere. Tomathy: Remarkable! My powers of deduction are rapier sharp. I am a solicitor too you see. I could tell by your fashion sir. Holmes: Yep, that’s right. I am the fashion. Tomathy: Eh tell me good fellow, have beards and long hair really come back in? I haven’t seen one like yours since the Crimea. It’s all clean shaves and moustaches down here you know. Holmes: Yep. Tomathy: Amazing, amazing, tell me if I may be so bold as to ask; where could I obtain such clothes as you possess sir? Holmes: In a shop. Tomathy: Ah, yes, keeping the name close to your chest ay? Must be an excellent tailor, very prudent. Give nothing away. That’s it. Holmes: Excuse me. Tomathy: Yes, yes of course, by all means. (Hinge of bread basket) Holmes: What’s goin’ on? The Gerbil: Well we may as well talk to the man, now that he’s befriended us. Be careful. Remember, cautious ma precious. We’re still behind!! Holmes: Ok. (Hinge of bread basket) Holmes: Back now. Tomathy: You know it’s been completely rude and remiss of me but I didn’t do you the courtesy of telling you my name. I am Tomathy Wilson, legal partner at Pulvertuft & Wilson. Holmes: Hello. I am Aubrey… Tomathy: Delighted to meet you Aubrey. Holmes: I am Aubrey Holmes. Tomathy: Ah, yes, Aubrey Holmes. Delighted. So Mr Aubrey Holmes, who do you think did this ghastly thing? Paper says it’s Jim the Slipper! Holmes: Jim the Slipperses? Tomathy: Yes, there’s been a spate of killings of women here in the last month. A purple velvet slipper is placed in the right hand of the woman. See? You see here? The deceased’s arm outstretched above her bludgeoned head? Everyone is afraid to leave their doors open at night, never mind the risk of shots from an irregular’s rifle! Holmes: Bloodery. Tomathy: I know it’s shocking. Holmes: Jim the Slipper? He must have some cock on him. Tomathy: Eh… well, come to think of it, eh, yes, maybe, eh I suppose he must be, criminally insane? You know, I have a theory… Holmes: Excuse me again… Tomathy: Oh, certainly Aubrey, please- (Hinge of bread basket) Holmes: This man is makin’ us nervous, his wordseses are like bullets... The Gerbil: Relax, he thinks we are Aubrey Holmes, whoever he is. Get information. It will come in useful. Holmes: But… about what…? The Gerbil: We are behind. Go! Ask him about his theory… Holmes: Ah, Ok. (Hinge of bread basket) Holmes: Back now. Eh, what is your theory Mr.. eh… Tomathy: Tomathy, Tomathy Wilson, of Pulvertuft & Wilson! Well I’d be glad to share it with you. Holmes: Share it so. Tomathy: Yes, I know what you mean, us legal types must stay together what? Holmes: Yes. Tell me. Tomathy: You know what, I have an excellent idea, I live just on Rathdrum Street here, would you do me the satisfaction of accompanying me to my home? We can sit and smoke and I can share my thoughts with you. Holmes: Ehm. Tomathy: I have a sixpence of WJ Shinkwin’s prime snuff! Holmes: Excuse me Tomathy Wilson of Pulvertuft & Wilson. Tomathy: Oh I’m terribly sorry, have I been too forward? I sort of sprang that on you. Holmes: Gurnp.. Tomathy: Gosh. You look bemused. Please forgive me. My wife will prepare us some of Mrs Murphyarty’s best cupcakes and scones if, if that would seal the deal? Mmm? Holmes: Back soon. Tomathy: Of course… you must have time to think it over. (Gun discharging in the distance) Tomathy:  (To himself) Mm, that doesn’t sound too far away… I hope the boys in green know what they’re doing… Sigh. (Whistle idly)… Holmes: (Distant) Fuck yis! Tomathy: (Whistles) What, IS he doing… Hmm, I must tell Stanton about this fellow… Holmes: Yes. Tomathy: What old boy mm? Holmes: Yes. Tomathy: Oh, oh yes? You mean… Yes? Oh Yes! Yes, yes excellent! Holmes: Yes. Tomathy: Cupcakes and scones it is! Excellent, this way… you know my good man, a good conversational partner is hard to find these days. Please this way… Holmes: Ok. Tomathy: Forgive me for saying this Aubrey, I hope you don’t mind but I can’t help notice that large wooden box you are carrying under your arm. What… eh… Holmes: Hah? Oh, it’s, it’s a lunchbox. Yes. L-lunchbox… For the sang-wedgers! Tomathy: You know I’ve heard about these, you city boys with your new fads! Better for the freshness yes? Holmes: Fresh sangwedgers. Yes. The sangers don’t sour in the bread box. In there. Yes. Fresh. Fresh fuckerses akskskshshsh!!! Tomathy: Yes, I suppose so! Amazing… Ah, here we are, I’ll just see if my good lady is at home… (Opens front door) Tomathy: Eleanora? Mental Holmes I is an Amplevoicepod ear-film. Time to travel to Cork, Ireland in 1922 and meet a mysterious man clutching a wooden lunch-box to his ear. There’s been a murder. Attorney-at-law Tomathy Wilson fancies his detection delectation to identify the perpetrator and sow it all up. Until he sees a man with a wooden lunchbox wearing Tomathy's best suit (stolen off his washing line), at the scene of the crime! From there on in, things begin to unwittingly unravel via a variety of clues left by Stanton Pulvertuft, Eleanora Wilson, Mr. Tash at 'Ladies Underclothing', Seamus Byrnie and Mrs Brindle. Come hither 'til we enter the world of the 'Gerbil' and fling open the doors of 'Mental Holmes'. Don’t forget to bring the hang sangidges! The weird & winning, 72 minute audio adventure podcast that redefines how special podcasts can be… Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Amplevoicepod is the Voice of Pod, we can't just sit around a microphone and talk about the latest cultural thing on our minds! Oh no! We exist in glorious isolation, bringing you unique and original stories with our shows. It's big, it's bold, it's podcasting done right.