George: Cash was paid. The lurid Tash is to be laid. Or so he believes as the 'science building annex 3 room 2' is the deflowering destination. Come the morrow, UCLS provost Broadleaf O’Hara sits fretfully in Crawton Hall, awaiting the town council vote on Al-Fajar’s rezone-er-ing. (Crowd murmur in hall) Broadleaf: Healthy turn out Mr Tash don’t you think? Tash: …ehm what Broadleaf? Broadleaf: I know, I know, I’m so nervous too truth be told. Tash: Nervous? Broadleaf: The town council votes will be in and we will soon hear if Mehfooz Alfajar won the tender for the Parnell Park site. Tash: Oh yis that… yis, yis of course. Broadleaf: Are you with me Norman? Tash: I’m sorry? Mnnn? What? Broadleaf: What’s with you Norman? You seem miles away, I’m beginning to wonder where your allegiances are these days. Tash: You think I’m trying to stab you in the back? Broadleaf: What? No, no! I never said that. Tash: I’m not trying to stab you in the back, in fact I am right behind you. Broadleaf: Glad to hear it Norman. We’ve a lot to lose if Mehfooz gets his way and the boundary change is upheld. Keith: Quite the gathering Provost O’Hara. I hope we have good news to offer the hordes. Broadleaf: What did you say? Ace: A drink sirs? We have some green tea, water, or if you wish, some wine? Keith: Oh, it’s the prince of neck accessories. I’ll have a white wine. Tash: I hope you learn something from tonight Ace… Ace: I hope so sir. Water for you? Tash: Thank you. Where’s Floyd and Raymond? Ace: Eh, Floyd is taking in the coats and Raymond is sorting out the left handed jackets from the right handed ones. Tash: I see. Good. Keith: (Snigger) Bastard… Broadleaf: Ok, let’s begin. (Switch on microphone) Broadleaf: Testing, testing, 1,2,3… George: At that very samely time, at the very largely big entrance gates. Floyd: You ready Bubbles. Brian: I think so. I hope she comes. Dick: Jesus, well I hope so too, you paid enough for her… I bet she bucks ya straight off her! Floyd: You got your cassette player? Brian: Yep. Dick: Wassat for? Brian: Candy girl. Dick: Is that her name? Very strange name that is. Floyd: No, he wants to have sex with the earphones on and listen to some Brian: ♫ Candy Girl♫ You rock my world! ♫ Do-do-do-doo-do-do-do-do! Dick: Oh well, it’s his show… Floyd: Psst, Dick, ok, I got to get back to the Admin Hall, ring me and let me know when the Eagle has landed and I’ll let you know when the old Buzzard is on his way. Dick: 10-4, 8.30, Legs at 10 and 2, all boosters primed my friend. Floyd: And remember what we spoke about at lunchtime today? Later boys. Hey, nice new jacket by the way Dick… Dick: Cheers matey… Brian: Uhuh, bye… Dick: A few Lego men short of a town is this lad. Brian: Whatcha say? (Sneeze) George: Candy Girl? Doesn’t rock my world. Nevermind, back to the nervous hands of Broadleaf at the com-mit-tee meeting! Broadleaf: So what can we do as the formal minds of education to get more involved in the University Council’s decision making process? Heckler # 1 (Bali): What about the town council vote?? When do we hear? Broadleaf: Ahem… Yes, yes, quite soon. In the next while there should be representatives arriving. Heckler # 1 (Bali): What will you do if you must hand over the arts building to the new developers of Parnell Park?! Broadleaf: Yeah, yeah, well allow me to break off from this topic for a moment… Ace: Where were you? Floyd: Out with Dick and Bubbles at the gate. She should be here soon. Dick’s gonna open the room for ‘em. How’s Tash lookin’? Ace: Like he’s just about to calve it. Sitting up there like a prize tulip man you wanna- Floyd: Tallyho so brother! Broadleaf: …robberies, yes robberies, it’s a sad state of affairs when your University is home to thieves and wickedness. Yesterday €5000 Euro was stolen from my office when someone found their little way into the office and interfered with the petty cash box. Ace: Wait a second… Broadleaf: It breaks my heart to think that people will stoop so low… Ace: You didn’t… Floyd: Mmm? Keith: Another wine Ace please…. Ace: …eh, here sir… You! Floyd: Sssh, listen to the man… Ace: Yeah, you, ya fuc- George: Well! Broadleaf O’Hara starts the fight against literally losing his plot. While Ace’s suspicions become aroused. But wait! Mr. Dick is hard and stiff at the front gates. Dick: Stand to attention young chubbler, Brian: It’s Bubbles. Dick: Time to brace the main sail, coz there be a bitch ahoy! Brian: Hi Brenda. Brenda: Hey Bubbles. Solicitor: Ah Brian, good to see you. And you must be? Dick: Eh, the ‘overseer’… N-not like I’ll be lookin’ or anythin’, unf, I’m the man with the keys and makin’ sure all is eh, like, eh, heh it runs smoothly for the safety of the two young… eh… (whistles). Solicitor: Very well. I wish you all good night. Brenda, it was an experience working for you. Best of luck then. Dick: Ok then young Cupids, follow me to the science building where you shall start your experiments… Follow me! Together: Follow, follow, follow, follow- Dick: Follow the yellow toof road! Follow, follow, follow, foll- Baldy: ‘Ere Dick, you talkin’ about me are ya? Dick: What? Eh? Must have been the wind…          George: And good luck to them! With arms outstretched, Broadleaf waits to welcome the Loughfeg Town Councillors. Broadleaf: Well yes, should we get the decision on our side, then we will move forward with our plan for further development of University grounds and essential departmental procurement. Heckler # 2 (Hefese): And will Long Term Loan Credit bank give you funding if such an outcome is not forthcoming Mr O’Hara? Nigel: Busher! Busher! Busher! You tell ‘em Busher! Broadleaf: No! No! No! Listen! Listen! Nigel: You go up there and tell them how it’s fuckin’… Yeah! Shlioler: I’m livin’ in a small house with six-and-a-half children! And I can’t move, I can’t swing a cat in it, and we’ve been on to the council for ages for a bigger house. We can’t get out of it! What are you going to do about it?! Broadleaf: Listen! Shlioler: What are you gonna do about it?! My Larry went off and left me. He left me. Heckler #1 (Bali): Parnell Park! Keith: Look at him, like a second hand Jesus on the cross ready for the end… Tash: What? Keith: Worried that your watch might stop if you stop looking at it Norman? Tash: Sorry Mr Keith, you must excuse me… Keith: Of course… but looks like you’ll miss the action, here come the town council cavalry. Floyd: (On phone) Hey, Dick, Dick? Tash is on his way. Ace: You are a fucking thief! Floyd: What? I didn’t take the money… don’t be stupid, I was in class with you remember? (Floyd’s mobile rings) Floyd: Aw shit… Yeah? Dick: The Eagle has landed, echo-fella-one, Roger Daltry, Wilco… Floyd: Yeah, let ‘em settle in Dick, Tash is on his way to spruce up the sprouts. ETA: 10 minutes. Dick: Eh over and around again… (phone clicks off) Broadleaf: Councillors, councillors, please, here, yes, please sit down… Keith: Waiting for Godot… god save me… What’s this? Little man moves to the front… Mehfooz: Please, please, Ladies and Gentlemen, Councillors and Provost O’Hara, may I take the podium? Broadleaf: Well, em… Mehfooz: Thank you sir. George: Meantimewhile, at the science block; Brian: (Coughs) Dick: Right! Here yis go… I’ll keep the hall lights on okay? Brian:  (Wheeze, inhale), Thanks Dick. Dick: Pleasure’s mine, enjoooooy! (Closes door) Brian: (Breathes heavily) Brenda: I’m here Bubbles… Brian:  I-I-I… Brenda: Shhh, come here… Brian: Okay… Brenda: You want to take all my clothes off? Brian: (Gulp)… Tes… Brenda: I’m yours… Brian: (Tokes on inhaler) George: Yuck! Pyeah! I need to wash out my ears back at Finny’s bar; (Finny’s Bar, incessant gaming noises) Finny: Are you speaking to me yet? Pavla: No. Finny: That’s better, here Baldy, will you shut up that shite! Baldy: I’m winnin’! I’m winnin’! Highest score comin’ up, can’t me stop now. Historical milestone. Finny: I’m standing here seriously toying with the idea of killing you. Baldy: Well I’m killin’ thousands here! It’s a massacre! I can’t believe I’m winnin’! George: No time to lose, what’s the news with Mehfooz?! Mehfooz: Thank you ladies and gentlemen and members of the town council. We sit here today on the edge of a new era of change in Loughfeg State. The old is cast aside replaced by the new…. When two new spheres of influence come together it promotes teamwork and intense bonding! (Science building) Brenda: That’s it Bubbles… take them down… Bubbles: Awww, hih, ushff, fffssh, hoh hoh hoh! Aww, ffhshs, aw, I’ve got a stalker… Brenda: My god! Bubbles: Awwwwffssshih. George: Dear God! Where then, is Norman Tash? (Office toilet) Tash: Why do I sweat so much? This is appalling. Pull my socks up. Good. Armani looks good. Right… Breathe in Norman! To the Science block. Claim virgin territory! (Door slams) Mehfooz: Let me be the first one to announce the news from the town council that my consortium for the tender of the development of Parnell Park and Loughfeg boundary change has been SUCCESSFUL!!! Nigel: Busher! Broadleaf: No!!!!! (Uproar) Keith: Oh crap. Mehfooz: Thank you, thank you, yes, very much, ah thank you. Thank you, not at all, not at all, thank you. Heckler # 3: It’s a sham! Floyd: Sounds heavy. Ace: I hope it doesn’t disturb young Ying and Yang across the block. Floyd: He won’t hear a thing. Ace: Why? Aaawh yeah…. (Science building) Brenda: You look masterful mighty standing there! Brian: I am the WWF Inseminator! Brenda: Eh, Bubbles, what are you doing? Brian: It’s my cassette player. Brenda: …and? Brian: It’s my fantasy, I want to go inside you with Candy girl. (echo of Dick’s sick laughing and coughing) Brenda: Eh, ok… if it’s your fantasy… Brian: Yes! It is! CANDY GIRL! Brenda: Oh my god! Brian: Errrffffmmmargh! C-aaaiiindy guuurrllluu-uh-uhh… (Back in Committee) Floyd: I mean if it was my thing I’d want to hear her scream, yeah, but hey, earphones or not, it’s not my money! Ace: Because you STOLE it! Floyd: You are over-reacting. Broadleaf: This is crazy, you can’t make this decision. Mehfooz: Leave it be Broadleaf. Broadleaf: You want to ruin this town, isn’t that right Mr Keith? Keith: What? Me? Ehm? Heckler #4: What about the fucking football team hah? What about the team? What about my young lad, what about young Tighe hah? He needs to play ball. Heckler # 5: What now for the funding Mr Keith?? What will happen to the football team funding? Keith: How should I know? That’s Mr. Tash’s area of expertise, I-I… Heckler # 6: Answer the question Chiselton come on! Heckler # 7: Yeah, anser the question! You’re the outings co-ordinator which covers the away day expenses!!! Mehfooz: Calm down Broadleaf, it is done. It is done sir. That is it. Broadleaf: Done you say? DONE? I’ll do YOU! Right, funding cut backs start here! Keith: Listen, it’s not a question of rash answers, we need to focus. Heckler # 3: You can focus on my fat lad! My son depends on that team Mr Keith… Keith: Of course… I understand, but… Broadleaf: Cut backs so! Cut the WATER! Cut the GAS! Cut the SALARIES mmmggfff, CUT THE ELECTRICITYYY!!!! (Pull of the main switch in the hall…) Floyd: Darkness has descended. Hecklers: Hey! Hey! Ya bollocks! Come back here! Hey! Keith: Mmm, get out of here… Ace: Let’s do the same… Floyd: I’m right with you Captain… (Science block) Tash: Typical! Blackout! I can’t see where I am… ok… annex two is that way so annex three is this way…. (On the way to science block) Keith: Get in the car, drive away, go home, have some Chablis and start applying to colleges in the morning… yes… Ace: Floyd… he’s heading to the annex… Floyd: Follow that nutty Professor. (In Room 2)    Brenda: Oh Bubbles! This feels so wonderful! And you can’t hear me! (Giggles) Brian: ♫ ooh yeah ♫ Candy! ♫ Girl! Uhhh. Brenda: (Giggles) (Back in committee) Mehfooz: Don’t panic! Do not panic! We will have order restored as soon as I find the switch. (In the hallway)           Tash: Hellooooo? Come out young lady Brendaaaaa? Pssst it’s me! Mr. Tash, Meeester Taaash… (Hears giggling) Tash: Ah-ha! Yis yis, I will take her by surprise, and naked too. Take her! Rrraaarrr! Off with everything Mr Tash! Yis yis! Oh yes, hoo hoo! She will be not ready for me! Keith: …eh? What is that? Norman? Is that you? Ace: Oh shit… he’s goin’ straight for the… (Door lashes open) Tash: SURPRISE! I have you now…. (sound of bodies jumping on top) Brenda: AAAAGGGHH! Brian: OOOFFFF! Tash: YIS! You fleshy fuckbucket, mmm, your soft downy skin! Brenda: HELP! Tash: Don’t fight it Brenda! Brian: Get off me! Tash: Don’t fight it! Brian: Get off! Keith: NORMAN? Tash: KEITH! Brenda: DADDY? Keith: SINEAD? Mehfooz: Power back on! (sound of electricity mains) Brenda/Sinead: Daddy! Tash: Jesus- Ace: Christ. Brian:  Get off me ya sick pervert! Sinead / Brenda: Daddy! I, Oh my god! Keith: YOU BAAAASTARDS!!!! Floyd: Woah! It’s Keith’s daughter?! Dick: (Jumps out of a cupboard) Hargh! It’s pure fuckin’ gold, gold I tells ya! Fuckin’ faces on the lot of yis!! And I have it all recorded on me new camcorder!!! Big triple decker sandwich with teachers ridin’ pupils n’ daughters,I tell ya, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! (Note: 8 minutes of outtakes follow credits) U.C.L.S. I - An ear-film adventure by Amplevoicepod. The story of Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne and Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, after meeting each other on the first day at University College Loughfeg State. It's a time for moral advancement as they bond when trying to procure a virgin for Brian over the internet. They must be careful not to rouse the attention of teacher Norman Tash who himself is intent on straightening this trio out. Science professor Keith, meanwhile, is annually dismayed at the sheer stupidity of the year's intake and is contemptuous of Provost Broadleaf O'Hara as he struggles to keep Loughfeg State University afloat. Janitor Dick Soupe is barely holding the buildings and himself together as he tries to help the new enrollees integrate. On Loughfeg's main street, Finny and Pavla trade insults as they helm Finny's bar while attempting to avoid catching the red eyes of resident comic-lover barfly Baldy Kendall and U.C.L.S computer teacher Ciaran Brennan. Amplevoicepod creates original explicit storytelling. We make HD audio podcasts to sternly tongue your earhole. We try not to follow others, don't cross the easy fields and have lived in blissful ignorance across millennia. We make ear-film adventures. Full effects-laden audio productions with plots, characters and immersive sounds. It takes about 80 hours of production in writing, recording and editing to make 1 hour of output. We take lumps out of each other as we sculpt our latest mutation. To relax we switch on the mics, open our lungs and bellow out a 2-hour rock show playing the best music dug up on a Friday. Tautologically titled 'The Friday Rock Show' it's just us and a few listener letters, which we lovingly read out on air. It's DJ Adgeen Byrne and producer Tony Wilson spitting and sparring to send you into sonic convulsions. Started in 1987, this saga has continued down through the ages with over 500 stories read out on air, from a wide variety of intriguingly demented souls. Our feature-length stories now streaming: Timefiddler, Mount Pheasant I, Mount Pheasant II, The Adrian & Tony Radio Show I & II, University College Loughfeg State (UCLS I) and coming soon: UCLS II & III, Mental Holmes I, II & III, United Mutations I, II & III and Panspermia I, II & III. 100s of hours of explicit storytelling await you. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

George: I have no idea about com-pu-ters, but I know a man who does and that is UCLS info-tech-ererer, Ciaran Brennan; Ciaran: This’s computer science 101 like, I am your lord and saviour to convey you through the valley of the Trojan’s, Daemons and Sassers like. You’re gonna like-it. Floyd: Hey, look over there Ace, there’s that scanger who was throwin’ punches first day. Ace: Ah! Raymond… how did he fall onto this course? Brian: (Inhales) So whatch goin’ tell me about Tash hah? Ace: Dick showed us a piece of paper from Tash’s room that confirmed he was the ‘Imperator’ from last night’s Ebay madness. So Floyd has this idea to- Floyd: …make Tash think he actually won because then- Ace: …we’ll be able to manipulate him and get revenge- Floyd: …for him picking on us for extra work and all round- Ace: …persecution- Floyd: …and because he’s a- Ace: ….sociopathic Talaxian bent on destroying the galaxy. Floyd: Yes, right. That. Probably. Mmm. So, y’see, we just needed to find a- Ace: …girl. Floyd: …stop that now. Ace: Sorry. Brian: Who did you find? Ace: Yeah who did you find Floyd? Ciaran: Oooh, sorry to interrupt your fascinating communications but I am the system to which you will connect to at this time every Thursday for the semester ok? Unblocked access to my words at all time like, you know? Thanks… As I was sayin’… My names Ciaran Brennan and today we’ll be doin’ VB; Visual Basic, loada shite really, but seeing as it’s what puts… Ace: Tell us Floyd… Floyd: It’s simple… Brian: Yeah… Floyd: Pavla at Finny’s bar, single girl, up for a laugh, got a brain and a filthy mouth. Brian: She’s nice. I’d like to touch her. Ace: You have your plate full man, chill-pill, Top 10 choice for sure Floyd, but I think you got your work cut out. She’s a bunny boiler if ever there was one. Floyd: Exactly. More than a match for Mr. Tash… Brian: Ah, shhhh… Ciaran: …don’t like it… This language, like you know, it’s ‘code’. Which is cool, ok so… Log on to the pcs everyone and away we- Ace: If I can get a chance here I can copy over the verification email I got from Ebay last night, take the source code in HTML and then take Tash’s details from the print out and then add it in, fix up the code, make sure it looks like it’s from Ebay and then email it to him, saying he’s the winner… Floyd: Oh! Vice Admiral Genius, all boosters firing there… or whatever they say. Ciaran: Ah boys, thought I recognised yis, ‘sis great y’ron the course with me like. Don’t worry ‘about a thing now, I’ll see yis right, I know Finny and he knows ye and we now know each other, so keep yer noses clean, keep the head down and yis have yer A’s in the brown paper bag already okaaay? Ace: Wow, thanks Ciaran. Brian: That's brilliant. Ciaran: Our lil’ secret okaaay? Brian: That’s deadly isn’t it? Floyd: My kind of teacher. Ok, Ace, whatcha doin’ there in cyber-city? Ace: Got the source code from Ebay, now just putting in the ‘Imperator’s’ details and changing the syntax to read that in fact he is now the winner as the previous incumbent was a hoaxer, and couldn’t verify the security measures in place by the auctioneer. Floyd: Right on Chief. Ace: …So in effect it’ll read that Tash won the second auction as the next highest bidder was chosen. Now I’ll test the source code to see does that show all right in Explorer, and then send Tash an email to his Ebay account contact email that he has to… Brian: Psst…Ace… Ace: -meet the girl tonight at 7pm at- Brian: ACE…. Ace: - Finny’s bar which doesn’t give us much time to get Pavla ready, but if your… owww! Raymond: What you doing geek? Ace: Fuck! Raymond: Mmm, looks interestin’ eh?! What were you just saying about Mr Tash? Brian: SEND IT!! Floyd: Fuck off Raymond, go listen to your Scooter collection. Ciaran:  Quiet at the back there lads… Ace: Done! It’s sent. Hi shithead… Floyd: Oh, the ‘staunch’ in this place… Raymond: The hippy thinks he’s getting’ lucky a second time eh? Careful now, I’m seeing a little problem for you boys- Ace: Get the halitosis out of my face before I… Raymond: What? Before you piss your g-string and cry to teacher, Percy boy… Ace: You fucking Retard! Call me names eh?? (Scuffle ensues) Raymond: I'll knock the bleedin' head off ya! Ciaran: Oooh, oooh, I don’t like it! I don’t like it! Ace! (Mr. Tash enters room) Student: Looka! It’s Tash! Tash: Hello! Oh, Mr Brennan, I will help you with this ejectamenta. Come here you wasters. Waaaysters! Ace: This dicksplash started it. Tash: A familiar cry wolf I hear Ace… Up to the office… Raymond: Was all his fault sir, he provoked me sir- Tash: Move! Ciaran: Stupid, stupid. Tash: Watch it, quick step, socks up… (Door slams, in room) Tash: I’m afraid the Provost is not here today, on business with the university council about tomorrow night’s committee meeting. Very important you see, eee-sseeen-tial! You human blight. (Opens office door) Tash: Sit you three degrees of stupidity, stooges one and all (chews gum, spits it out). Ace: It wasn’t me who started it, eh, sir. (Knock on door) Tash: Enter… Dick: Ah, Mr Tash, I’m to water the plants for the Provost while he was away but I see you are busy… I’ll come back later… Tash: Noo noo, please Dick, come in and bear witness to the folly I have before me. The jack-assess were up to horseplay ridibg bareback to a final warning and automatic expulsion if they are not remorseful for their actions… Floyd: Well, this infection here, he’s been listening to too much 2Pac. Ace: But is 2Pac really dead Floyd? Tash: Silence! Raymond: Heh, you’re an idiot Floyd. Dick: Mmm, a quandary Mr Tash. Tash: Oh but I beg to differ Mr Soupe, yet before sentence be administered within the guidelines of the behavioural code, let us listen to the painful cries of innocents from the gallery of goons before us. Raymond, please… Ace: Why him? Pickin' favourites now… Tash: What did you say? Dick: NOW NOW there Ace, fair, eh, (cough), is fair… we realise you are a little shocked at all this confusion but we’ll soon have everybody back to their courses, of course, eh, once Mr Tash has dispensed the appropriates, eh sorry there, eh continue… Tash: Riiight, so Raymond, what to entertain us, is your version of events? Raymond: These two guys were on the pc in Mr Brennan’s class and it was clear they wasn’t listening to the teacher- Tash: ‘Weren’t’ Raymond, ‘weren’t’… for the love of grammar… Raymond: Instead they WERE ON EBAY AND TRYING TO TAKE… Dick: JESUS! Ace: ARRRGHGHGHGH! Tash: Settle down! Settle down! Ace: Awgn bastard! Floyd: Say a word and I’ll cut your beans off… Tash: Cretins! Raymond: …he’s trying t-oowwww!! Dick: Sorry Raymond, that’s my watering can. Tash: Pull them apart Dick at once! Ace: Mongoloid Vulcan-faced retard… Tash: That is enough! I wish to hear no more. You are all as guilty as each other and- Dick: …deserve to be given another chance because UCLS in, is, a fostering facility that doesn’t give up on its students! I couldn’t agree more with you Mr Tash, good thinking, yep. Fine handlin’… Tash: I said nothing of the sort… Dick: Didcha not? Oh, well, I thought a man of your stature would naturally see the wood for the trees and understand that these young troubled growing plants need care, an', an' eh encouragement to stay on the right track… but, Tash: The plants outside need watering Mr Soupe, thank you for your help, that will be all. Dick: Right y’are so. Now youse lads, youse listen to Mr Tash and don’t let him see this badness out of yis again. Right… right? Thanks! Cough… dum-de dum… Tash: How strange. Whatever is going on I want it ended now. Raymond: But… Tash: Quiet! Detention. Tomorrow night. 8pm. At the committee meeting you will, all three of you, set up the tables, serve the drinks and clean up once the meeting is over. You will take instruction from Mr Soupe, who obviously seems to be of your ilk enough to get through to your thick coagulated heads. And now, feast your emaciated faces on me boys; this is your last warning. One more slip, one more twitch and I will personally guarantee your frog march out of this University. That’s it! Dismissed. And Raymond, don’t play the tell-tale snitch. Now get out of this office, you staaains mmmnnn. (Door closes) Raymond: Hahahaha. Look at ya now! Hahaaha! Ace: Listen you child, don’t fuck with the fury in me because if you unleash the fucking fury I will, so help me Spock, I will make you feel hurt… and big amoeba like you don’t like pain do they? Raymond: Ow! Ace: Do they?! Captain Janeway: At ease… Floyd: I- I reiterate my threat to cut yer balls of too. Raymond: Play your little games, I don’t care… Floyd: Good! Raymond: You two are psychos! Floyd: So let’s all have a group hug here in the Scooby gang- and get some team bonding for tomorrow night okay? Raymond: On witcha, ya pack of idiots. Ace: I think he, eh… Floyd: Got the message? Yeah, I saw the veins bulging… you were about to go all Chuck Norris on us with the nervous hands. Ace: Ehm, mm, yeah, sometimes it all builds up… and… pow! Out it comes. Floyd: Yeah, Superman’s underpants blow straight off ya! I get ya. Got to be careful though y’see ‘coz- Ace: Are you lecturing me? Floyd: No, no- Ace: Good. I’m all lectured out at the moment Floyd. Between pep talks at home to mad psychopaths in this place, I’m needing a time-out big style. Floyd: And Star Trek helps, I get it. Ace: That’s nothing to do with it! You… y- aaargh! I LIKE Star Trek, its science fictional entertainment that I find fun, enjoyable and stimulating! What is it with you? Can’t you understand that art is art on one side and life with its, whatever it is, is on the other! Floyd: You are not a nerd ok, you are maybe just- Ace: OH FUCK UP YOU MORON! Floyd: More sensitive… I’ll be your personal insult bag and you can hurl ‘em, sling ‘em and belch ‘em at me and it’ll work for ya Treklord… Ace: (Sigh). So anyway, what are we going to do now with Tash? He’s gonna read that email soon, then he’s, ceterus paribus, going to be at Finny’s at 7pm to meet Pavla at the same time that we have to meet Brenda with her solicitor. Floyd: This is like, CSI UCLS… where’s David Carusso to pick up the bitches? Ace: Fool. And another complication is having the date for Bubbles tomorrow night while we’re going to be at that committee meeting. Floyd: Change it. Ace: Can’t. Floyd: Why not? Ace: Are you lucid today Fogbrain? The rules man! The rules! Has to be tomorrow. Rules said so. This is going to be a bit tricky my long haired mongrel. Floyd: Rules, rules, rules… Sometimes you just have too 'much' rules… Ace: Thanks for solving the problem there with some insightful idea. Floyd: Ah-ha, I see the colour’s back in your face now. Never fear, for when Dick Soupe is near, let’s get a head start by throwin’ shapes to Finny’s and asking Pavla now. Yes, that’s right, you with the cotton scarf, follow me; the mellow fellow, on the sick road… Ace: Follow the mellow sick road… Floyd: Yes, and together! Together: ♫ FOLLOW FOLLOW FOLLOW FOLLOW FOLLOW THE MELLOW SICK ROAD, OH FOLLOW THE MELLOW SICK ROOOOAAAAD!! ♫ Dick: Youse are a pair of blob hammocks, nearly getting’ yourselves thrown out! Utter black enamel madness! Floyd: (leaving…) Tomorrow, Dick Tomorrow! Elevenses, remember?! Dick: If I had young lads like that they’d abeen drowned in d’barrel out d’back be now. (Long pause) Dick: But I do like them… U.C.L.S. I - An ear-film adventure by Amplevoicepod. The story of Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne and Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, after meeting each other on the first day at University College Loughfeg State. It's a time for moral advancement as they bond when trying to procure a virgin for Brian over the internet. They must be careful not to rouse the attention of teacher Norman Tash who himself is intent on straightening this trio out. Science professor Keith, meanwhile, is annually dismayed at the sheer stupidity of the year's intake and is contemptuous of Provost Broadleaf O'Hara as he struggles to keep Loughfeg State University afloat. Janitor Dick Soupe is barely holding the buildings and himself together as he tries to help the new enrollees integrate. On Loughfeg's main street, Finny and Pavla trade insults as they helm Finny's bar while attempting to avoid catching the red eyes of resident comic-lover barfly Baldy Kendall and U.C.L.S computer teacher Ciaran Brennan. Amplevoicepod creates original explicit storytelling. We make HD audio podcasts to sternly tongue your earhole. We try not to follow others, don't cross the easy fields and have lived in blissful ignorance across millennia. We make ear-film adventures. Full effects-laden audio productions with plots, characters and immersive sounds. It takes about 80 hours of production in writing, recording and editing to make 1 hour of output. We take lumps out of each other as we sculpt our latest mutation. To relax we switch on the mics, open our lungs and bellow out a 2-hour rock show playing the best music dug up on a Friday. Tautologically titled 'The Friday Rock Show' it's just us and a few listener letters, which we lovingly read out on air. It's DJ Adgeen Byrne and producer Tony Wilson spitting and sparring to send you into sonic convulsions. Started in 1987, this saga has continued down through the ages with over 500 stories read out on air, from a wide variety of intriguingly demented souls. Our feature-length stories now streaming: Timefiddler, Mount Pheasant I, Mount Pheasant II, The Adrian & Tony Radio Show I & II, University College Loughfeg State (UCLS I) and coming soon: UCLS II & III, Mental Holmes I, II & III, United Mutations I, II & III and Panspermia I, II & III. 100s of hours of explicit storytelling await you. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

In Finny's Bar, Baldy gets on Finny's nerves, Professor Keith tries to have a calm snack with Clare, one of his two daughters, and university provost Broadleaf faces off against bar-&-land-owner Mehfooz. Brian hits play on the jukebox and the debate of whether to procure a virgin for him continues... Culminating in a tense Ebay auction with another virgin-bidder named 'The Imperator'. Who will win the bid for an 18 year-old online virgin? Listen on... University College Loughfeg State I is an Ear-Film production by Amplevoicepod. Baldy: That lad David Blaine’s a rip off, I bet you twenty Chuzzler bars that the next time he’s danglin’ his ego in a box of water, he’ll have a special fitted subaqua breathin’ device… like a dolphin or manatee or some shite… Finny: If I’d known how much you talked I’d never have come out of the toilet. Pavla: He’s got skeptic shock that’s all. Baldy: I know what I’m sayin’! Finny: Pity Pendle-Rubbers didn’t want you for overtime today… Mehfooz: Listen Bali, if we wait until next week, it will be too late. It is very simple. The town council is voting in two days’ time. Parnell Park is ours easy daisy, chutney gravy. We pray to Lakshmi that Broadleaf O’Hara has had his day, the council will approve the tender to me as developer and the illegally used portion of our land which Loughfeg is currently built on will then be ours to build on. What goes up must come down… He has no chance, Vishnu has forsaken him. Bali: Speak of the infidel… Broadleaf: Hello Mehfooz. How are you? Great meal last week, magnificent Prawn Bhuna. Mehfooz: Why, thank you sir. We aim to please sir. Broadleaf: Any word your end about the council tender plans for Parnell Park? Mehooz: Well, no, nothing Mr O’Hara, we are waiting on confirmation. I believe the vote is in two days’ time. Broadleaf: Yes, I was meeting with them today regarding the funding. We have to wait until after the vote to see if we get our money from the bank. It all hinges on the tender and the little boundary thing. Shame really… Mehfooz: I wish you pleasant Stothras with it sir. Broadleaf: But I would have to say you know Mehfooz, that it would be a lot easier if you and your consortium, just to give a little way, you know, you know, sidestep the boundary issue. (New Edition – Candy Girl comes on the Jukebox) Floyd: What are you playing Bubbles? Brian: ♫ Candy Girl! You Rock my Wor-erld ♫ Ace: Your taste in music Bubbles is so… over, yunno? Brian: (Sneezes) (Blows nose) Oh ‘magine, with the girl you guys are gonna get me, in the classroom, on a table, not a stitch on us, me with the wibbler ready, then I put on my earphones and boom! ♫ CANDY GIRL!! YOU ROCK MY WORLD! ♫ (sneeze) Ace: I’m not getting her for you. I’m sticking to my principle. Baldy: ‘Ere, I can get you a set of headphones cheaper off the other lad. Brian: Nah Baldly, mine are the best. Baldy: Seriously, I know a fella, he’ll PDA me the details, half price too… sure ya- Finny: Everything you say irritates me Baldy, everything you do irritates me… and when you’re not here, the things that I know you’re gonna say and do when you get here, irritate me. Baldy: (Stares at Finny, flicks lighter) Finny: Ya yellow toothed cunt. Ace: Time out Finny! Just wash some glasses or somethin’ and pull me a Cider shandy. Baldy: He loves me really… but anyway Bubbles, I’ll toggle up the internet now on the palm pilot n’ wifi it to yer mobile… (Sound of TV flicking on) Finny: Did you just do that with your little stupid machine? (Arlee Davidson’s Sports News) Baldy: Wheh? Finny: And the coffee machine too lookah! Mehfooz: Calm down Mr O’Hara, we have submitted a plan to the council respecting all bylaws and regulations, seeing to do what is best for this community and if that means- Broadleaf: (excited)… IF that means, that YOU can DESTROY… Mehfooz: Please don’t finish my words… Broadleaf: …the long tradition of UCLS education in this town. Mehfooz: BALI! Curse of Krishna on you. Pavla: Hi, what can I get you? Keith: Some peace and quiet maybe, but sparing that, a bottle of Corona and a food menu please… Clare: Dad, you have really got to stop that. Keith: What? Clare: That… attitude… Keith: It’s not my fault the foreigners and students can’t speak softly is it? Je-sus. And where is your sister? Clare: Sinead is at home studying… Keith: Hmm. On the internet more like, studying the latest Enrique Iglesias facial gyration. (TV FX of Bush Speaking) Bush: On my orders, the United States Military has begun strikes… Clare: Look Dad… Bush: against our staunch friend, Great Britain. Clare: There’s the ‘George Bush’ on TV. Bush: Good afternoon. Keith: Mmnn… Bush: Speaking to you today from the White House… A place where presidents have become outlaws and murderers themselves… Baldy: Now, take this other lad there… Think about it, In our modern society, the truly Orwellian nature of the War On Terror - where all we can be told 'for security reasons' is that a faceless organisation we are at war with, can be anywhere, in any country in the world, and 'for security reasons' we can't be told how anyone knows that. I’m right aren’t I? Finny: And now, a few examples of bullshit from Baldy’s vast experience… Baldy: You believe me Sandals dontcha? Floyd: Uh? You talking to me? Em, sure… I was just lookin’ at Mr Keith over there with eh… Ace: His daughter… Floyd: Yeah? Brian: That giant chin took the piss out of me with his left hand needles. I’ll get him somehow, (coughs) the brainy preenus. Floyd: Good luck dude… Bush: To all the men and women in our military so far from home, I gave a fourth grade girl with more than forty cunts. This young girl knows the value of fucking and now every sailor every soldier every marine will come. Finny: Did he just say that? Brian: Him and his axle of eejits, hihihi. Baldy: See… I told yis… As mad as an Arab! Finny: Shh! Baldy you fucking idiot! The owner is sitting across the room. Ace: But Mehfooz is not an arab, he’s Hindu right? Finny: Hindu, voodoo, boogaloo, I don’t care, I’m not starting race riots on account of ring-fingers here… Baldy: You want to see my winter range… Pavla: Mr Keith, table four… a low fat turkey sandwich, trimmed of ALL the fat, no onions, lots of tomatoes and to be served on a… big fucking chin… Finny: Here, give him this rabbit sandwich, it’ll do… Bush: I recently received a touching from my dad in the treaty room of the white house… Broadleaf: No, you lower your tone! Mehfooz: You MUST calm down Mr O’Hara, it is not healthy to conduct yourself like this… Broadleaf: I will not be spoken to like this! Mehfooz: Business is business… Broadleaf: What?! You condescending playground bully, with your henchmen, and your… your colour! Bali: (Jumps to feet) the infidel! Mehfooz: Gentlemen!! Please!! Ace: Troubles up… Mehfooz: Bali! Keith: Mm, this sandwich tastes full of testosterone… Look at those Neanderthals and cretins… Broadleaf: Don’t touch me… Mehfooz! Call off your dog! Finny: Eh gentlemen, can you keep the noise down. Mehfooz: Sorry Finny, but Mr O’Hara was insistent to come in and bark accusations at me… I am sorry. I am sorry for this… Broadleaf: You are taking our soul if you take our land! Taking it, raping it from the heart! Finny: Right… em, sorry Mr O’Hara, I’ll have to ask you to leave the premises. Floyd: Size of the back wheels on Finny, Baldy: He’s only suckin; up to the owner, that Mehfooz lad…             Floyd: Hah? Broadleaf: Me? Well, I, it’s, ahhh, fine… We will win this vote, just you wait and see… Mehfooz: I wish you pleasant hope and see you in the restaurant soon… Broadleaf: …eh… yes… probably Friday… but you’ve not won yet! (Door slams) Mehfooz: May the god of Seeva go with you… Brian: ♫ Candy girl! You rock my world! Da-da-da-duh-d-d-d-d-duh! ♫ Keith: Wonderful. Saved by the Prince of Barmen... And this sandwich tastes like the Turkey shampooed in lard… and call these tomatoes? Overgrown Chaffinch balls more-like… Clare: Dad, please, cop-on… Floyd: Mmm, hey, my idea sponge is bulging. Bubbles? Come ‘ere. I have a plan… Brian: (Sneezes). U.C.L.S. I - An ear-film adventure by Amplevoicepod. The story of Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne and Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, after meeting each other on the first day at University College Loughfeg State. It's a time for moral advancement as they bond when trying to procure a virgin for Brian over the internet. They must be careful not to rouse the attention of teacher Norman Tash who himself is intent on straightening this trio out. Science professor Keith, meanwhile, is annually dismayed at the sheer stupidity of the year's intake and is contemptuous of Provost Broadleaf O'Hara as he struggles to keep Loughfeg State University afloat.Janitor Dick Soupe is barely holding the buildings and himself together as he tries to help the new enrollees integrate. On Loughfeg's main street, Finny and Pavla trade insults as they helm Finny's bar while attempting to avoid catching the red eyes of resident comic-lover barfly Baldy Kendall and U.C.L.S computer teacher Ciaran Brennan. Amplevoicepod creates original explicit storytelling. We make HD audio podcasts to sternly tongue your earhole. We try not to follow others, don't cross the easy fields and have lived in blissful ignorance across millennia. We make ear-film adventures. Full effects-laden audio productions with plots, characters and immersive sounds. It takes about 80 hours of production in writing, recording and editing to make 1 hour of output. We take lumps out of each other as we sculpt our latest mutation. To relax we switch on the mics, open our lungs and bellow out a 2-hour rock show playing the best music dug up on a Friday. Tautologically titled 'The Friday Rock Show' it's just us and a few listener letters, which we lovingly read out on air. It's DJ Adgeen Byrne and producer Tony Wilson spitting and sparring to send you into sonic convulsions. Started in 1987, this saga has continued down through the ages with over 500 stories read out on air, from a wide variety of intriguingly demented souls. Our feature-length stories now streaming: Timefiddler, Mount Pheasant I, Mount Pheasant II, The Adrian & Tony Radio Show I & II, University College Loughfeg State (UCLS I) and coming soon: UCLS II & III, Mental Holmes I, II & III, United Mutations I, II & III and Panspermia I, II & III. 100s of hours of explicit storytelling await you. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

Keith: Good morning UCLS students. My name is Professor Keith. You shall refer to me direct, in passing or behind my back as… Professor Keith. Now, this is Science 101. Or in other words how to make your shadow as small as possible in this classroom. Now, I've named this semester "Low Expectations" - I don't know if that reflects anything on your behalf lest you realise that at this moment you are fully ready and equipped to fail the year end exam. Ace: Who’s the Doogie Howser? Keith: My job is to make sure that that is a figment of my enormous imagination and not your wispy deluded future hopes and wishes. If now, however, you aren’t quite ready yet, I could throw you back into the pond and wait for you to grow bigger but alas that’s not feasible, so, it is not in your interests to go get an F although would put a big fat smile on my cold dead face. I hope that what happens on this course will startle you into awake-ness maybe even interest dare I think it. At this point as you are staring at me with mucus lined nostrils and vacant expressions, you might be asking yourself; “This guy’s a genius, why don’t I hate his guts?’ Well, it’s like the bacteria slowly filling up your cerebellum in the form of your poor taste in clothing; hatred will veil itself around you gradually, week by week. Yes, I see you’re so tuned in now. Mmm. Biology. It's probably something you don't care about in the least. But I thought, what the hell, I'd teach it here for about half my life, ande since I'm standing here with the chalk and you’re not allowed to escape. … What is this? (Takes out a thermometer) Oona: That’s a thermometer. Keith: Congratulations Blondy. Slight synaptic activity from the back there… that’s a thermometer-WHAT? Oona: That’s a thermometer, Professor Keith. Keith: Saved from the lapdancing life by a sudden flood of brain fluid. Hmm, can anyone now tell me why thermometers are so small? Ace: Because mercury is so expensive? Keith: Yessss. Now let's think of a GOOD answer! Ace to Floyd: Jesus, it’s Queen Preenus up on stage. Floyd: You’re just not on Planet science… and what’s a fuck is Queen Preen… Magda: Is it something about size and volume? Keith: A question you no doubt ask yourself hard on a Friday night. Switch on the learning channel people; bulb thermometers rely on the simple principle that a liquid changes its volume relative to its temperature. Kudos to the brunette at the back there… Liquids take up less space when they are cold and more space when they are warm. All bulb thermometers use a fairly large bulb and a narrow tube to accentuate the change in volume, thus the smaller the thermometer; the more accurate the reading of the temperature in a pressured state. Now, unlike the arts courses that you will be no doubt flinging yourselves at with moronic abandon, only to receive circumspect, incidental information, science is fact and like the aforementioned fact I will give you an explanation instead of vague poetic analogies. (Door Knocks)         Keith: Proceed to interrupt the classroom. Tash: Good morning Professor Keith, eh class… mmnnn, I… Keith: Ah, the poet himself, come to cast magic verse of script and sell his wares of the ‘Arts Department’. Tash: Yes, well, no, well you wouldn’t believe me, but that doesn’t matter, that I am here to see you regarding the staff meeting, slight change of interpretation of time and space in the hour and place. Keith: And you all get this free for your grant money. Tash: Provost Broadleaf has had to rearrange it from 11am to 4pm. Keith: Ah, the overlord… and in that, a whole new area of science unknown to logic awaits us… Tash: Quite… Mmmnnn, 4pm, I’ll see you there. And if I may take the floor for a moment… Keith: Inmates! This is my very short-lived guest… Professor Norman Tash, Head of all ‘Arts’, everywhere… Tash: Those of you signed-up for Geomatics, it now begins at 11am and not 4pm. Same room as on your induction sheets. Thank you. Thanks Keith. Keith: No pleasure was lost Norman. (Door closes behind him) Keith: Yes. He brings a lot of joy when he leaves the room. Now, after the warm up act, it’s the main show; of course I would have had a nubile assistant in a sheepskin leotard, a disco ball and some Casio keyboard fast jazz, but, swiftly, swiftly, you with the Unibomber haircut… Floyd: Me Professor? Keith: That’s where my eyes are looking it seems so yes… gather these papers and disperse them how you see fit, usually one per person helps… Now, this handout is not produced for your enlightenment but merely so I can practice using the new staff room photocopier… Some people can try to study these things – but mostly they don't because someone will take them aside and say, "Eh, this is shit and confusing me", but some people won't listen... I personally find it instructive - it's optional whether you do and there's something worrying abut the idea of me standing up in front of you for an hour and NO-ONE'S LISTENING... If I'm going to waste my time, I'd rather have you staring blankly at a filled page... So… let’s start with the… (Door opens again) Brian: Eh, sorry sir, teacher, sir, I’m late. (Cough) I had to collect my, em, well, it eh, (cough) (sneeze)… I, em, I, can I… ? Keith: Why are you so small and red? You look like a farmer found at Funderland-. Brian: Sorry, I uuugh… (Blows on inhaler). Keith: Ok, ok… Eh, just take a seat and mimic the others. Brian: Thank you sir… I’ll eh just take a seat here… Keith: What’s your name? Brian: B-brian sir, b-but most people call me Bubbles sir. Keith: Being so full of nothing surrounded by a thin sheen of moisture, I can see that… Brian: (Sneezes), (Takes inhaler) Keith: If I may continue mmm? Brian: (Sneeze) Keith: I take that as a yes… Brian: (Inhaler) Keith: As the letters on the page spell, today we apply the basic forward antibody method of blood hematology to easily and quickly provide the user, that’s you, with their blood type (A, AB, B or O) and rhesus factor (Rh negative or Rh positive). If like marmosets and meerkats you absorb guidance quickly, there should be results in a few minutes without the need for beatings. Brian: (Sneeze) Keith: Nyah, by simply comparing the results of blood sample coagulation on the pretreated areas of the test card with a graphic- Brian: (Sneeze) Keith: -picture chart, correct blood grouping is known. The test card can then be filled out with your personal identification information and laminated with- Brian: (Sneeze) Keith: …the provided plastic sheet to make a permanent record.  Brian: (Sneeze) Keith: Now, perhaps everything in the room should be laminated in plastic sheets. Because of the excess amount of snot coming from one particular pupil. Brian: (Sneeze) Keith: Thank you. Now, lay your selected hand, palm up, against a flat table surface. Brian: (Sneeze) Keith: Holding the lancet device in your… Brian: (Sneeze) (inhaler) Keith: …HAND firmly Brian: (Sneeze, sneeze, SNEEZE!) Keith: Lord Crud and his brace of bastard balls! Are you allergic to yourself?!! Brian: Sorry sir, (inhaler) (fart), Em, I don’t seem to have a, could I have a spare photocopy, please? Keith: I don’t run off extras for losers. You can look at the double-sided transparency in front of you. Brian: But I haven’t got a handout in front of me. Keith: Sigh. I know Bubbles that the bogglement of your mind is what this is all about for you so I’ll let you help me by going down to the janitor’s office and picking up a box of left-handed needles and a bucket of steam for our experiment today, the needles being particularly more accurate… Brian: Okay sir, Keith: The door is there if you had forgotten… Brian: Yes… hihih, left handed needles and a bucket of steam… Floyd: Un-believe-able… Ace: Totally O.T.T. (Door opens and slaps) Keith: Class pool refined, we continue… where was I… difficult question isn’t it…oh yes… so lay your selected hand, palm up, against a flat table surface. Holding the lancet device in your other hand against the outside tip of your finger… (Sound of running and panting, then inhaler…) (Knock on janitor's door) Dick: Whats yis want now, ya… ah, howaya Bubbles, what can I help ya with? Brian: Em, urhg, cough, splutter, sneeze, fart… Dick: Calm down young lad, you’ll have a hernia! Brian: Em, eh, Professor Keith sent me down to ask you for some left handed needles and a bucket of steam for the blood type test today… Dick: A bucket of… Fuckin’ bastard…. Brian: Hah? Dick: …and I bet ‘im a tenner too… how does he do it? Brian: Dick? Have you got ‘em? Dick: Ehh, actually just ran out of the feckers last week. Steam’s used up too. Everyone is checkin’ their blood these days, I dunno, strange world, anyway, next week you’ll have a new batch, so Professor Keith should have them plastic lancet needles up there, they’ll do for the meantime good lad, bye now… G’luck! (Closes door) Brian: Um, o-k-aaay… Keith: A positive, A negative, B Positive, B Negative, AB Positive and my very own blood type which is AB Negative and of course like my vast intelligence it’s the rarest of a kind. I'm going to expect all of you to go away and fill in all the details yourselves, ‘cos it's fun! (Door opens) Brian: Sorry sir, Dick didn’t have any needles or buckets of steam. Keith: Oh well… Thanks for your efforts and you know, if snot was flammable Bubbles you would be incinerated right now had I a box of matches. Take your seat Bubbles, feel free to get pricked… Brian: (Sneeze) Keith: Okaaaay, so the exercise is to check that I haven't lied to you with my instructions… Proceed… Floyd: Haheh, look at that, my blood. I’ve never seen it. It looks like brown sauce. Magda: Urgh, I feel… urgh.. (belch, wretch)… phew… almost… Ace: I can’t seem to… (Sound of continued stabbing) Brian: I can’t see for the sweat… (Sneeze)… Floyd: Careful with the greeners! What ya doing? Ace: C’mon ya Klingon! Am I that anaemic?            Keith: Make it idiot proof and someone gives me a better idiot… Magda: Wow… that’s mad, I’m Type O-Negative… Floyd: Tsuh, I wanted to be that… Brian: I… URFM… squelch… Ace: Where’s my red plasma!? Sh-iii--it! (Spray of an arc of blood across a girls face) Magda: AAAGH! I can’t see, he fuckin’ sprayed me… Floyd: Like a Slayer concert!! Ace: Uh-oh, warp shields up, it won’t stop!! Magda: It stings! Floyd: He’s havin’ an airborne transfusion! Ace: Help me Kathryn! I need the good doctor! Keith: RRRIGHT, THAT’S IT! You’re getting on my nerves. Go home. Magda: EEEK! Floyd: She’s fainted… Ace: Uuuuh… I’m gonna die! Keith: Go… Home… Brian: (Belch) Floyd: …excellent… Ace: I’m in the holodeck… Keith: Leave… Ace: … losing blood… Fucking hell… Brian: There’s no such thing as a bucket of steam! U.C.L.S. I - An ear-film adventure by Amplevoicepod. The story of Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne and Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, after meeting each other on the first day at University College Loughfeg State. It's a time for moral advancement as they bond when trying to procure a virgin for Brian over the internet. They must be careful not to rouse the attention of teacher Norman Tash who himself is intent on straightening this trio out. Science professor Keith, meanwhile, is annually dismayed at the sheer stupidity of the year's intake and is contemptuous of Provost Broadleaf O'Hara as he struggles to keep Loughfeg State University afloat. Janitor Dick Soupe is barely holding the buildings and himself together as he tries to help the new enrollees integrate. On Loughfeg's main street, Finny and Pavla trade insults as they helm Finny's bar while attempting to avoid catching the red eyes of resident comic-lover barfly Baldy Kendall and U.C.L.S computer teacher Ciaran Brennan. Amplevoicepod creates original explicit storytelling. We make HD audio podcasts to sternly tongue your earhole. We try not to follow others, don't cross the easy fields and have lived in blissful ignorance across millennia. We make ear-film adventures. Full effects-laden audio productions with plots, characters and immersive sounds. It takes about 80 hours of production in writing, recording and editing to make 1 hour of output. We take lumps out of each other as we sculpt our latest mutation. To relax we switch on the mics, open our lungs and bellow out a 2-hour rock show playing the best music dug up on a Friday. Tautologically titled 'The Friday Rock Show' it's just us and a few listener letters, which we lovingly read out on air. It's DJ Adgeen Byrne and producer Tony Wilson spitting and sparring to send you into sonic convulsions. Started in 1987, this saga has continued down through the ages with over 500 stories read out on air, from a wide variety of intriguingly demented souls. Our feature-length stories now streaming: Timefiddler, Mount Pheasant I, Mount Pheasant II, The Adrian & Tony Radio Show I & II. Coming soon: University College Loughfeg State (U.C.L.S), Mental Holmes, United Mutations and Panspermia. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

George - Hello! Do sit. Take the weight of your meat. Glad you could join me once again for another wonderful useless story. Welcome to U.C.L.S. - University College Loughfeg State. Now let me introduce you, this is Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury; Brian: (blows nose) (drinks) (snorts) (blows nose) (scratches) (sups) (sniffs) (farts)... George: Not one for many words is Brian, but this would soon change. Tannoy: Students are asked to refer to the 'School Behaviour Code' which has zero tolerance for student rule infractions. George: This is university provost, Broadleaf O'Hara and the 'geographical' Mr. Tash; Broadleaf: So Mr. Tash, first day of the freshers? Tash: Mmmmnng... Broadleaf: Do we have any new malingerers on the intake? Tash: Mmm. Broadleaf: Who are they? Tash: Ace Byrne and Floyd Frisbane. Broadleaf: Mm, a meeting of mangled minds. Mm? Tash: Mmm! (sups tea). George: Loughfeg. It's a lovely 'hole'. You won't find it on Google Earth, Google Space maybe. Here lives Accursis Byrne, preparing for his first day of college... Alarm: "Riker! Red alert! Red alert! Red alert! Time for school! Time for school! Time for school! Riker! Accursis: (humming a TV tune). Father: Ah Accursis Junior, ready for the first day? Accursis: Yeah. Just as soon as you let me put my trousers on. Father: Enjoy this chance, enjoy the freedom! Heheh. Accursis: Thanks for the newsflash, eh I'll be sure to- Father: I'm just sayin'. Cherish this time son. You sit there at the PC tappin' away on the net for fun. Accursis: Yeh, thanks Dad, I'll take the bus to college and- Father: Do me a favour Accursis, get off your face for once yeh? Accursis: Dad! Quit the drama! What are you? Patrick Stewart? Captain Janeway: Dismissed! George: Raising his hairy thatched mullet from the pillow is fellow freshman Floyd Frisbane. Oona: College Floyd, colle- Floyd: Woah, come on Foxy, Oona: Floyd! Floyd: Me goosies are full, roll me up one till I chong on it baby... Oona: Have you even slept? Floyd: Sleep? Kurt never slept Baby (switches on Deep Purple). Oona: (Switches off Deep Purple) College! Floyd: Uh? I don't seem to under- Oona: Shower, shave, Floyd: I- are you- Oona: And get the fuck out of here. Floyd: Are you speaking the lingo? Oona: Go! Floyd: Have you any Jaffa Cakes? George: And what was thay? Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury needs to say something. Brian: Mum! Where's my poxy asthma bottle? Ah, I, feek sick. First day of college and I can't find my lungsucker. Ah there it is. (Inhales). Aah, that's better. Aw feck, feel dizzy. Where the hell is my Hulk Hogan helmet? (Starts Vespa). Allergy pills... iPod, Johnny Bravo hat (fart), WWF stickers for the locker, chutney sandwiches! Good to go! Ready to rumble! Born to be Bbbbbrian! (Vespa drives away). George: Loughfeg main street is a busy spot. None more so than for local bar owner Finny and his girly-bar-lady-help Pavla. Pavla: Where were you? I've been waiting fifteen minutes. Finny: Keep the thong on Pavla, will ya, I had a dose of the trots this morning, did you pick up the- Pavla: Have them here... Finny: Good! And the- Pavla: Bought it at Smiths... Finny: Right so. Oh and shit, hope to God you didn't forget the- Pavla: What do you think I am? Finny: Best barmaid a publican can have! You got the keys? Pavla: Shit! Finny: Pavla, ya dozy cow! Voiceover: A&M Presents... An A&M Production... U.C.L.S. Useless, useless, useless... Copyright A&M 2007. George: His life is fun but a little bit insane, driving into work where he's half-baked off his brain. This is happy Richard Soupe, undertaking his duties at University College Loughfeg with pride and enthusiasm. Richard: Sweep the floor, mop the lab, scrub the ducts, wax the decks, clean the taps, yeah, yeah, shyeah. Wash the tiles, change the bulbs, haul the trash, place the soap, suck the carpet, 'how are you Mr. Broadleaf today sir?' Trim the shrubs, mow the lawn, stock the fridge, yeah, yeah, schmeh. Empty bins, dust the blinds, cack in the restroom, 'Ewm! It looks like it might rain yes mm!' Fix the fixin's, clear the hallway, have a 50-second pull in the jacks and do all this like my daddy before me. And yet, what janitorial wonder do they have me expose my special €12 an hour talent to? (Sound of slop and squirt)… Unblockin’ the Septic Tank a’course! Which ‘appens to be jammed full of super-thick luxury arse-roll! Don’t they know this is a sensitive area for me to be in? The bastards. No respect! Don’t care! (students whistle) Arrghgh! What are you LOOKIN’ AT? Ya crozzled old gang a’latchers!?! (Vespa tears past) Accursis: Hey! Mind the threads ya chubby bean bag! George: Loughfeg has many restaurants that never open, one that does is Rana restaurant, run by Mr. Mehfooz and his fourteen brothers. Mehfooz: Bali! Make sure you get the Gosht Bhindi back on the menu, Mr. Taylor is complaining, it is all the fool wants to eat. He won't accept anything else. Ali, what is the latest on the land tender talks with the town council for Parnell Park? We must raze that illegal building to the ground and start the plan for the Saud Family. Hefese my brother! Go to the cash and carry, pick up 20 kilos of Quim Debusha for the town architect. He will look favourably upon our suggestions for the Loughfeg solution. 20 kilos! Bali! For god’s sake, stop smoking! It turns the Chutney Korma green you turnip! Accursis: (humming TV tune) 'Scuse me... Mehfooz: Ah, hello Mr. Ace, my friend. One Murgh Patia with Chawal Mattar to go. How are you sir? Nervous for the first day? Ace: Nah, it's all good Mehfooz, how's business? Mehfooz: Oh good good very good, was busy last night. Ace: Good stuff. Okay, gotta run my man! Check ya later, here's my bus. Mehfooz: Bye sir. Bali, mind the Chana you insolent wretch (Whip). Ace: (hops on bus), sorry, excuse me, op, there, yep, phew. (Bump!) Oh, sorry man. Raymond: Get your fat hole out of my way, sprat. Ace: Eh… um, ok, sorry, you got the seat… Raymond: What are you smilin’ at dweeb? Broadleaf: Welcome to U.C.L.S.; University College Loughfeg State. My name is Broadleaf O’Hara. I am the Provost of the University. I have educated at this college since its foundation 33 years ago. Richard: How are you Mr. Broadlead sir... Broadleaf: and it’s much the same today except that it’s totally different. Richard: Bastard. Broadleaf: Students! You follow a long line of luminary Alumni and college benefactors such as Mehfooz Alfajar, the well-renowned real-estate business magnate, owner of the Rana Restaurant and Finny’s Sports bar in town. George: The first day of college and a new way to do nothing. Hooray! Accursis Byrne, on his arrival, ingratiates himself to janitor Richard Soupe; (Prank, Explosion, Sheep cry) Richard: Come back here you needle-pricked bug-feckers! If I dirty my best Steve McQueen’s I’ll ate yur pocket billiards for short break, (Stops) Who are YOU?, You don’t look right…are you lost? The 'Business park' is that way! Ace: Ace, Happy-To-Be-Here. Bit sweaty there fella. You run to college? Richard: No! I just pissed me Lionels and I’m runnin’ off the dribble. Aha, but I do like a sense of humour in a young lad; see you in detention soon. Heh, but forgive me, I’m acting like a student, let me introduce meself; I’m Dick the college janitor. I should be cleaning the dead birds from the gutters and downspouts but sure these latchecos have me wearin’ out me tackies! Anyway best of luck for your new college life and eh… nice scarf Tom Baker. Heheh, g'luck! Specky genk... Ace: Tom Baker? The only Doctor. What a strange but endearing man. Dick: Stop with the runnin’! You are surrounded by your own stupidity, you cannot escape! Ace: (To himself) Now where the hell do I go to register? Tannoy: Students are required to bring two passport sized photographs to registration. Fees minus a €10 processing fee, will be refunded when semester long courses are officially dropped by this date. U.C.L.S. I - An ear-film adventure by Amplevoicepod. The story of Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne and Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, after meeting each other on the first day at University College Loughfeg State. It's a time for moral advancement as they bond when trying to procure a virgin for Brian over the internet. They must be careful not to rouse the attention of teacher Norman Tash who himself is intent on straightening this trio out. Science professor Keith, meanwhile, is annually dismayed at the sheer stupidity of the year's intake and is contemptuous of Provost Broadleaf O'Hara as he struggles to keep Loughfeg State University afloat. Janitor Dick Soupe is barely holding the buildings and himself together as he tries to help the new enrollees integrate. On Loughfeg's main street, Finny and Pavla trade insults as they helm Finny's bar while attempting to avoid catching the red eyes of resident comic-lover barfly Baldy Kendall and U.C.L.S computer teacher Ciaran Brennan. Amplevoicepod creates original explicit storytelling. We make HD audio podcasts to sternly tongue your earhole. We try not to follow others, don't cross the easy fields and have lived in blissful ignorance across millennia. We make ear-film adventures. Full effects-laden audio productions with plots, characters and immersive sounds. It takes about 80 hours of production in writing, recording and editing to make 1 hour of output. We take lumps out of each other as we sculpt our latest mutation. To relax we switch on the mics, open our lungs and bellow out a 2-hour rock show playing the best music dug up on a Friday. Tautologically titled 'The Friday Rock Show' it's just us and a few listener letters, which we lovingly read out on air. It's DJ Adgeen Byrne and producer Tony Wilson spitting and sparring to send you into sonic convulsions. Started in 1987, this saga has continued down through the ages with over 500 stories read out on air, from a wide variety of intriguingly demented souls. Our feature-length stories now streaming: Timefiddler, Mount Pheasant I, Mount Pheasant II, The Adrian & Tony Radio Show I & II. Coming soon: University College Loughfeg State (U.C.L.S), Mental Holmes, United Mutations and Panspermia. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

Bare Grills takes DJ Adrian Byrne & producer Tony Wilson of The Friday Rock Show out of their onesies, slippers & comfort zones into the truly brutal majesty of the windy wild west of Ireland. An outrageous outdoor oddcast by Amplevoicepod, in fully immersive HD audio... Graham: Tonight... Tony: Need rest. Tired. Traumatised. Adgeen? Adrian: Yeah?    Tony: Bare Grills tried to rape me last night. Adrian: Hah? What you say? Tony: Bare Grills tried to rape me. Cunt came in the tent after you left and took out his tool. Graham: Tonight, on all new Running Wild with Bare Grills… Bare: I'm Bare Grills, and each week I'll be taking a different celebr-ri-dee, on a two-day adventure into the wild. This season is the most extreme and intense yet. And the celeb-ri-dees have no idea what they're in for. Bare: Are you ok? Adrian: No. Bare: The celeb-ri-dees will be pushed beyond their limits. Tony: I'm not sure about this. Bare: And tested like they've never been tested before. Adrian: Ah lad! Bare: You are about to see a side of them, you've never seen. Adrian: I'm running wild with Bare Grills! Adrian: I don't like the look of this. I'm fierce nervous. Tony: What’s wrong witcha Adgeen? You love the Bare Grills. Y’sit down every Sunday night in your onesie an’ a bottle of Balzac Blanc to watch the hoor. Adrian: That’s inside Tony. This is outside, and I’ve got allergies. Tony: Relax lad. It’ll be great craic. Your DJ bag’s bulgin’ with all your essentials, and I’ve the bog roll if ya need it for your ten minute snot convulsions. Graham: Famous DJ Adrian Byrne and producer Tony Wilson of the Friday Rock Show are Bare Grills’s guests tonight for a survival test in the windy wild west of Ireland. Adrian: Fuck! Tony: What Adgeen?! Ya all right? Did ya fall? Adrian: Is that a papp over there in the bush taking photos? Tony: Hah? No, that’s a rabbit. Adrian: What’s that? Tony: That’s a helicopter. That's bringin’ in the Bare Grills for the establishin’ shot. Adrian: Jesus, any more of this and I’ll need use your inhaler Tony. Bare: How you doing, I’m Bare, nice to meet you. Tony: It's Bare Grills! Adrian: (cough) Eh, hi. Adrian Byrne, DJ, entertainer. Tony: Hiya Mr Bare! Nice to meet ya. Adrian: Come on lads, bail in to the chopper! Bare: Aw great! Welcome to Ireland! Adrian: Fuck it, I'll survive without gloves. Don't need 'em! Hard Wicklow men! Tony: Ungff, where we goin' Bare? Bare: We'll traverse treacherous terrain in the remote Irish highlands. We’ll descend towards a mountain lake surrounded by deep bogs and find food and shelter for the night. On Day Two we’ll reach a coastline and have to find our way down deadly sea cliffs to our extraction at the sea. Tony: Hah? Adrian: Dear Christ! Tony: Your hair looks fierce funny in the wind! Adrian: That was €168 I wasted yesterday in Peter Marks. Graham: Before they fly, 'Ny-Gel' the safety officer gets Adrian and Tony to place their chins on the landing skids for a high impact shot to introduce the show. Adrian: Hah? You want us to hang by our necks as the helicopter takes off? Tony: I’m not sure about this, but at least we have the strong muscles for it, all the years of moshin'! C'mon we can do it Adgeen... Adrian: Just make sure you only record me on my left si- A & T: Yeaaaargggghhh! Adrian: I think I’ve shit. Adrian: Stop wrapping your leg around me! Tony: Me chin’s slippin’! Adrian: Put us down! Tony: This is pure madness! Hahaahaahaa! Bare: (Radio) I’m going to jump first, Then I’ll turn around and give you the thumbs up. Just jump with me, I’ll grab you. Adrian: Jesus, I can’t understand a word. Where are we? Adrian: Uuhaa! Tony: I think he dropped us up the gap. Adrian: This isn’t Wicklow Tony, this is far worse. Adrian: Mountains, middle of nowhere. Can’t get a signal. Tony: This IS great! Where we goin' Bare? Bare: We’re heading west and down so it’s going to be slippery, it’s steep terrain, and a tough journey, it’s always going to be tougher when its wet and windy. We’ll take our time, look after each other, keep going! You ready? Adrian: No. Tony: Yes! Bare: Ok, let's go... Tony: You're a man of action Bare! No messin'! Straight in! I like that. Adrian: West? How do we know which way is west? Tony: It’s where the needle on the vinyl points at the end of each side. Adrian: That's actually quite clever Tony... Listen on and find out if the celeb-ri-dees make it out of this alive as square-jawed survivalist Bare Grills takes DJ Adrian Byrne & producer Tony Wilson of The Friday Rock Show out of their onesies, slippers & comfort zones into the truly brutal majesty of the windy wild west of Ireland. To brace elements & try to get out alive and not kill each other for two days.. This ain't just jogging around and posing with the flat stomach, this is actual real work, with heart-in-the-mouth, balls-rammed-up-yer-pipe endurance where raw testicles are eaten and ropes are clung on tight to for dear life, in this most epic of outdoor podcasts ever attempted. Not to mention the dark spirits that lurk in the woods... Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

The ultimate part of wild-man Bare Grills hauling DJ Adrian Byrne & producer Tony Wilson of The Friday Rock Show out of their onesies, slippers & comfort zones into the truly brutal majesty of the Irish west coast. Graham: With nothing but their wits about them and a will to survive, Adrian and Tony head into the unknown as they search wild west Ireland for a way to the shoreline. Adrian: We’ve been walking for hours. Tony: It’s getting dark now, we may kip somewhere for the night. Adrian: Whatcha think Bare would do now? Tony: Do you think he’s still alive? Adrian: No idea, but if he was here he’d fashion up some sort of solution quick though, wouldn’t he? Tony: He would. But it’s sort of better that we get it try ourselves no? Adrian: Yeah, I mean… We are- Tony: Men! Adrian: Yeah, men! That’s right Tony, Tony: That’s us! Adrian: And we’re resourceful, and clever and- Tony: I like Bare more now that he’d dead. Adrian: Presumed dead. Tony: Yeah, but c’mon, that was some drop he made. Adrian: Now that was wild. Tony: Man verses wild. Adrian: Man didn’t come out of it too well. Tony: The wild always wins. Adrian: Yeah, here, will we go through the forest? Tony: Looks like there’s no other way. Adrian: Grand so, the lights fading, it’ll be cold in the open, c’mon. Tony: My legs are blue. Give ‘em a rub will ya? Adrian: Tell ya what’ll warm us up, more of your story, about that hermit fella. Tony: Hermit the Log? Adrian: Yeah, what was the last thing I heard?                      Tony: Eh, don’t remember now, but, yerman the fisherman Tom Deartle said ‘the Log’ liked to gorge himself on sugar and alcohol, that he liked to be pissed. Baileys, Starbars and Hula-Hoops were his favourites. As evenings began to chill… Adrian: Like now. Tony: Shyeah… he grew his beard to about an inch, long enough to insulate his face, short enough to prevent frost build-up. He intensified his nickin’, stocked up on food and gas cylinders before the last leaves fell. Adrian: What if he didn’t have food? Tony: Eh, said he had hard times alright, brutal times, the temperature sank, he ran out of gas and no food. Physical, emotional, and psychological pain. Adrian: I can relate to that alright. Tony: Rocking back and forth and moaning quietly. Like a madlad! Adrian: Why did he not just leave the woods? Tony: Oh he had thought about it. But he decided that unless dragged out he was spending the rest of his life behind the trees. Adrian: Madlad. How could you survive without modern life? It’s great… Tony: Ah but old Hermit the Log’s age advanced. He used his ears more than his eyes. His agility faded, eh, bruises took longer to heal, his teeth constantly hurt but still he stayed, he needed the woods y’see. Our life was, is, loud, too colourful, tooo mental for him. Not enough… stillness. Adrian: Brrrrrr. Jeez, like at this place. Black… Oh wait- do you hear that? Tony: Hah? Adrian: It’s a car… Tony: You’re hallucinatin’. Adrian: We’re just off the N11… Tony: Your ears are seeing this Adgeen. Adrian: Hey, Tony: Hah? Adrian: Are you using my She Wee? Tony: I had to try it sure! Adrian: Ah (sigh), you’re permanently sick aren’t you? Tony: Finished! It’s a fuckin’ bleak spot isn’t it? Which way, now? Where we goin’? Adrian: Never seen all this before. Tony: Do you’ve a compass? Adrian: No, use me nose. Tony: Are you following me or am I following you? Adrian: So cold. Look at that view though. Tony: I shudda brought me thermals. Adrian: Just look down to the left, there. Tony: Hah? Where those birds are? I see it, what is that? Adrian: Lights… Come on. Tony: Do you want me to dry the She Wee? Adrian: There’s a row of six white lights. Tony: It’s a spaceship! Adrian: Get down behind those roots. Tony: They’re no torches, they’re too, they’re too- ‘still’. Adrian: There’s some flickering… you see it? Tony: Yeh. Adrian: Shh, do you hear it? Wait… Tony: That’s, that’s a woman! Adrian: That’s a woman being rode Tony. Tony: By aliens? Adrian: No, by something much more unusual. Tony: What? Adrian: Doggers! Tony: Doggers? Adrian: Oh come on, Tony: Ah for fuck’s sake Adgeen, course I’ve heard of doggin’! Me and Maggie used to be at it a while back. Used to wear the black Hello-Kitty cushion covers over our heads when I bate it up her. Record was seven cars, 13 lamps, one headlight burst by Maggie’s heel. Heh, this one sounds like she’s likin’ what she’s takin’! Listen to ‘er… Adrian: Give me that She Wee Tony. Let’s put down these dogs. Tony: Whatcha gonna do? Adrian: Get the lid off this first… test she works… Tony: Hammerin’ off her. Ah! Stink a’ that hairspray. Adrian: Want some? Tony: Get off me! Get off me! Adrian: Stick the She Wee backwards into the hairspray nozzle and: Tony: Ah shit! (PAAAAAARP) Adrian: Ah ah! It’s all wet! (Distant scream, cars rev up and depart) Adrian: Ya didn’t dry it ya fuckin’ savage! Tony: I can’t hear ya Adgeen. Urrr, I’m deafened Adrian: And there they go, like Mad Max out through the forest. Tells us the way to get out! C’mon… Tony: Hah?    What happens next? Listen on to this final fifth part of ATRS 2 – The Adrian and Tony Radio Show, another amazing ear-film adventure from Amplevoicepod. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

Graham: Day two and come the morning, it has been a long wet, cold, windy night. Bare: Well, it’s fair to say it was a long, wet, windy, cold, night. Graham: And DJ Adrian Byrne and Producer Tony Wilson are arousing from their slumber. Adrian: Where is it? Where is it??                              Tony: Shuupp! Tryin’ to sleep. Adrian: Agh! Where’s my framed photo of Kylie Minogue? Tony: Fuck the bitch. Adrian: How dare you! She’s pop monarchy! Tony: Sleeeeeep. Adrian: How can you sleep in this? I couldn’t sleep. It was too bright last night, the spotlights were kept on the tent for no reason! You know I need full darkness to sleep. Tony: Need rest. Tired. Traumatised. Adgeen? Adrian: Yeah? Tony: Bare Grills tried to rape me last night. Adrian: Wha? Whatcha say? Tony: Bare Grills tried to rape me. Cunt came in the tent after you left and took out his tool. Adrian: Eh, I’m not sure I, eh, did you let him? Tony: Whatcha mean did I ‘let him’? Let him ride me up the ejector? A’course not! I punched him in the face, kicked him in the cock and he ran off crying into the night. Adrian: Ah, good for you so! Tony: Did I ‘let him’, what are you like? Adrian: I mean, you’re right. Even though he is a celebrity with a reality TV show, that doesn’t mean they can just, like, if they want, and you should just let ‘em because, yunno… Tony: No, it doesn’t! And if I ruled the world, I’d have all celebrities shot. Adrian: (Cough) Okaaay, okay, glad we had that timeout and shared our emotions. Don’t know about you but DJ Byrnie here needs some breakfast! Adrian: Ah howaya Bare! Bare: Heheh, it has rained a lot. Adrian: What’s cookin’? No testicles no? Tony: Better get a close up of his face there. See that bruise look. Where’d ya get that Bare? Bare: And we’re gonna keep heading down to the coast where we’re gonna get picked up. Tony: Gobshite. Bare: Ok, but- Adrian: No breakfast for Byrnie then. Bare: Ok, but, Ireland, it’s going to be windy, it’s gonna be rainy. Tony: Don’t fall Bare... Bare: Aww I love it! Adrian: That wind would fell a bull. Bare: You can’t beat an ‘acorny’. Tony: I’m not sure these woollen shoes were the beat idea. Adrian: Bare, I hope you didn’t use all my Nivea Intensive Moisturiser. Bare: Last push. Tony: You’re right it will be. Bare: Mission is today, put our head down against this wind and rain, reach the coast, and then there’s going to be a last push when we get there, you know, I’m not going to sugar coat it. Adrian: What you put down on the rider for this gig? Tony: Whatcha mean? Adrian: Like, requests, necessities provided for you or you just won’t turn up. Tony: Necessities? Ah, those yokes, sure I just ask for six cans of Tuborg for the night, do me. Adrian: That’s not how all this works Tony! We’re famous. You have the power to get anything! In fact, they expect it. Tony: Like the Bare in with me last night. He was expectin’. Adrian: Exactly! It’s how the entertainment business works. Tony: So you’re sayin’, I’ve the power to get anything I want on this gig? Adrian: Now you’re getting it! Tony: Thanks Adgeen! Bare: This stuff is called ‘moon grass’. Or commonly known by soldiers as ‘Babyheads’. They are ankle breakers this sort of terrain so just be careful. Adrian: Did he flick you the sausage? Tony: Who? Adrian: Bare! Tony: In the tent? Adrian: Yeah… Tony: He only had the tip in, that doesn’t count. Adrian: He only ‘wet the head’ like? I don’t know if that’s- Is that rape? Tony: That’s not rape, if he only put the tip in. Adrian: That’s what I said like…. Uh-oh! Tony: Wha? Adrian: Bees! Tony: Whashappenin’? Bare: Forehead, go away, go away, Adrian: The fucking idiot has stepped on a bee’s nest! Tony: Run! Adrian: ARRGH! Beat them off me Tony! I can’t see! Tony: Mind the ‘babyheads’! Adrian: I’m runnin’ wild with Bare Grills! Bare: Look, one of them has got me. Just up here. Here, can you see, can you try and get the little, little stinger. Cough. Tony: Pull it out yourself, you’re always doing that! Adrian: Jesus Bare. Something’s happening to your face. Bare: It’s been quite a brute, a brute of a bee sting this. Tony: Fuck, you’re right it is. Adrian: That looks bad. Tony: Doesn’t it?! Bare: I feel a bit like the elephant man. It’s actually quite hard though to see out of this eye. Tony: He looks like a giant 'babyhead' now. Adrian: Can you see where you’re going? Tony: You could die from this Bare. Bare: The irony is, out of all the massive, lethal, aggressive, man-eating crocs, snakes and alligators I’ve dealt with over the years, the one that gets me, is a bee… Tony: (Laughs in distance) Bare: Typical. Join shaven-headed wild-man Bare Grills as he hauls DJ Adrian Byrne & producer Tony Wilson of The Friday Rock Show out of their onesies, slippers & comfort zones into the truly brutal majesty of the Irish west coast. To brace elements & try to get out alive and not kill each other for two days.. This ain't just jogging around and posing with the flat stomach, this is actual real work, with heart-in-the-mouth, balls-rammed-up-yer-pipe endurance where raw testicles are eaten and ropes are clung on tight to for dear life, in this most epic of outdoor podcasts ever attempted. Not to mention the dark spirits that lurk in the woods... Appreciate this immersive audio adventure now on Podbean, PlayerFM, Listennotes, iTunes, Stitcher, Spreaker, Castbox, Acast & Podcast Addict and many more. Love us on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram! See our Friday Rock Show videos on Youtube at https://youtube.com/c/amplevoicepod. Rejoice in the Podestant Reformation.

*walking cautiously through scrubland* (Bird flusters)... Tony: What's that? Adrian: Birds! Gonna shit on our head! Tony: Even the birds are against us. Adrian: (farts) Uoh! Tony: That was not a manly fart! Adrian: A scared little one that was. Tony: A Scooby-Doo one. Adrian: Tell me more of that story Tony... Tony: So, right, it was hard to say at first what the locals were feeling haunted for. But then, strange occurrences! Flashlights were missing their batteries. New gas cylinders had been replaced by old ones. Then wood shavings near window locks; scratches on doorframes. They always felt like he was watching them. The legend of the hermit has endured for so long. They gave him a name. Do you know what that name was? Adrian: No. Tony: They named him… Hermit the Log. Adrian: Hahahargh. Hermit the Log? Tony: Hermit the Log. Bare: Okay, so we need somewhere to camp. You know, we’re not in a forest or anything so it is harder out here. So maybe use our imagination a little bit. Tony: Where you goin’ with that plastic bottle? Adrian: To piss it! Do you want to know everything do ya?! Tony: Why do you want to piss in it? WHY... DO... YOU... WANT... TO PISS IN IT? Adrian: Haa, that’s what I always do. I don’t like toilets. Tony: This is the countryside, it’s all toilet. Bare: There you go, one lone tree, that might be our best bet. Adrian: Unbelievable. Bare: At least it’s better than nothing. (Adrian urinates.) Adrian: Ahh! It's gone all over my fingers. Uhh, aaah, that's better... Don't drink this Tony, I'm just going to leave it down here. Tony: Are we not going back to the hotel room yet? We doin’ some night shots? Bare: What I’ve learned though is that the best thing for starting a fire if you haven’t got matches or a lighter is to get deep inside the vanity case. Adrian: Ah! Bare: Do you have anything with you? Adrian: I can help you there Bare. Tony: I need a shite. Bare: Ok, there, look- Adrian: Hang on for a sec Bare- Tony! Go at least ten metres down wind, dig a hole. Tony: Yeah, yeah, can I borrow your toilet seat? Adrian: Have you got, have you got any paper? Adrian: You know I don’t like doing that. Tony: Come on, this is an exceptional situation. Adrian: I've got some paper here if you want it. Up my sleeve. But wrap it in this plastic. Tony: Okay, thanks. Adrian: And bury the plastic afterwards, otherwise it’ll end up on Ebay, sorry Bare, where were we? Oh yeah, me vanity bag. I might have just what you need. So what do we have in here, we have; two tubes of Carmex lip balm, bottle of Neutrogena dandruff shampoo, Neutrogena face scrub and Nivea Intensive Moisturising Lotion. Bare: Yeah, okay, look, this is gonna be good. Adrian: Dunno if any of that stuff's any good. Bare: And even if we fluff up some of these. Adrian: That stuff’s great. Try it. Be my guest. Bare: All of this wax stuff burns well. Adrian: Yeah I meant on your face, but ok, no problem, just don’t waste it all. It’s, it's expensive. Tony: (distance) Nyyyaaah, uuuugh. Come out! Adrian: Fuck sake Tony. Tony: Won't come out! Bare: Okay. Try that, you’re trying to like shave bits off there, ‘kay into there. Adrian: Uh-huh, I see. Oh yeah. Hah! I've made fire! Hahaha, would ya look at that now. Tony: On ya Wildman! Adrian: I am a wildman. Tony: Well done! Well done. Adrian: That was quick, I hope you buried everything well, don’t want to step in it later. Tony: A’course. Bare: There’s only one thing that remains. Adrian: (Slaps hands together) Hotel! Bare: Cook the testicle sack. Adrian: Bollocks. A&T: (Laughter) Bare: Okay, we’re going to boil the water up. Tony: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire… Bare: Testicles on the fire… Adrian: Well, this is nice and freezing, isn’t it. Just like my one dumb camping trip. Bare: I’m excited about the testicle maggot concoction. That’s going to be good protein, good energy… Tony: No Thanks! You first Bare... It was your idea. Will square-jawed survivalist Bare Grills eat the testicles and maggots? Listen on! Grills takes DJ Adrian Byrne & producer Tony Wilson of The Friday Rock Show out of their onesies, slippers & comfort zones into the truly brutal majesty of the Irish west coast. To brace elements & try to get out alive and not kill each other for two days.. This ain't just jogging around and posing with the flat stomach, this is actual real work, with heart-in-the-mouth, balls-rammed-up-yer-pipe endurance where raw testicles are eaten and ropes are clung on tight to for dear life, in this most epic of outdoor podcasts ever attempted. Not to mention the dark spirits that lurk in the woods... Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

"Zipliners, Hermits & Testicles") - Square-jawed survivalist Mr. Bare Grills takes DJ Adrian Byrne & producer Tony Wilson of The Friday Rock Show out of their onesies, slippers & comfort zones into the truly brutal majesty of the Irish west coast. Bare: Tie the rope to the ice axe. Phwipp, see if I can get it right over that lip. See if I can get it to secure on a rock- Adrian: This is fucking ridiculous. Bare: -and I can repel down, pull myself up the other side and then just bring you across on like a zip-line. Adrian: Right! A zip wire! I’ve done this before in an adventure park in Wales. Couldn’t unclip myself, was dangling there for a good ten minutes. Tony: Hold on, if the pick is made of ice, will it not melt? Bare: No. Tony: How do you know though? Adrian: You're fierce thick Tony. Tony: Wha?! It's an ICE pick! Bare: Heh, you’ll have to take the courage pill to clip yourself on, on your own. Tony: Courage pill? ‘Ere, this Bare lad is fierce fuckin’ patronising. Adrian: I can’t do it, I don't think I can do it.   Bare: Okay, so here we go. (Throws ice pick hook across the ravine) Tony: What’s he doin’? He's like He-Man or somethin’. Bare: Okay, that’s across, let’s see if it’s caught. It’s a little bit precarious but that’s just to help me climb up this bit. And then once it’s there I can really hundred, hundred percent secure it. And then all you’ve got to do, ok, stand up, clip that on to the two lines, okay- Adrian: Ah what? Bare: -the scary bit is going to be right here. The rope will hold you. And then you pull yourself up the other side and we’re across this thing. Okay? Tony: Just close your eyes and relax. Adrian: (Shock) Ah-hooh! Bare: Once you get to the edge here, it’s gonna feel, but it’s fine. Just commit to it, launch yourself off and we’ll get you across. Adrian: Yeah, yeah... Bare: So across the gorge. Onto the green stuff to now get up here, and tension it up. Okay, I’m going to tension it up okay? Give me one minute. Adrian: Take your time, no rush. Did we really need to do this? Tony: Good for ratin’s, make ya look normal. Adrian: Heh, this isn't fucking normal. Bare: Ah, eeh, okay it's good! Tony: He’s lookin’ over atcha, he wants you to pull on it. Adrian: Ah god, he’s swingin’ it! Tony: Stop rockin’ on it! It’ll snap. Adrian: Shut the fuck up! Bare: Try and use both hands now. Tony: I always use both hands.. meheheheh! Bare: This is where it gets hard work because gravity’s no longer helping you. Tony: C'mon, bit of humour will get us across Adgeen. C'mon. Adrian: Urnfff. Urgh. Tony: Ah fuck! Adrian: Uh, what? Tony: Fuckin’ sandal. Me sandal’s fell off! Bare: Well done, keep going. That’s good. Try going like this now, there you go, haul yourself. There you go. Adrian: Keep pullin’ it lad, we’re nearly there. Bare: Great effort. Keep coming. Yep. Keep coming. You’re almost there. Tony: I’m comin’! A & T: Unfgg, aaaahhh. Aaagh! Adrian: (relief) I love the ground. Tony: Kiss it like the pope. Adrian: Irelaaaand, I looooove youuuu.   Bare: This... is an Irish adventure! Adrian: Woo! Yeah! The endorphins are going now! I'm buzzin' off this shit! C'mon let's do more Bare! Let's do more! Bare: Wind, rain, but you did well over there. Good for you. Adrian: Yeah, love it! Bring it on. I'm a warrior! A & T: (laughing) Adrian: Ah Jesus, I don't think I've had that much exercise since I dropped a tenner out of me wallet and had to chase it up the street. Tony: It was windy that day was it? Adrian: It was. Took me a while to catch the whore! Tony: Bare?! Where's he gone? Bare: Okay, let’s pack up and keep going. Adrian: You pack up and fuck off. What awaits the hardy Wicklow men with Bare Grills out in the wild, wet and windy west of Ireland? Listen on and find out! Square-jawed survivalist Mr. Bare Grills takes DJ Adrian Byrne & producer Tony Wilson of The Friday Rock Show out of their onesies, slippers & comfort zones into the truly brutal majesty of the Irish west coast. To brace elements & try to get out alive and not kill each other for two days.. This ain't just jogging around and posing with the flat stomach, this is actual real work, with heart-in-the-mouth, balls-rammed-up-yer-pipe endurance where raw testicles are eaten and ropes are clung on tight to for dear life, in this most epic of outdoor podcasts ever attempted. Not to mention the dark spirits that lurk in the woods... Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.