Amplevoicepod

(Elevator ding) Keith: Yes, yes, I know where I’m going, I know every fucking corridor in this place. (Curtain flashes open) Keith: Ohmigod Norman! I just wanted to apologise for… Norman? Are you awake? I think this might be my fault. I had the boys on detention on Saturdays for the last two months planting ‘Hogweed’. It can grow up to 14 feet tall! And for a toxic plant, Hogweed is surprisingly pretty. I last autumn planted my ‘Devil’s Trumpet’ seeds into the lough perimeter too! But- it was because- HEY! HEY! I can see you through the curtain! What are you looking at? Wubba: Wha? Uh… (Curtain flashes open) Keith: Oh it’s you! You’re still here. If you have damaged any one of my comics, I swear I will garrotte you with a cheese cutter. What? What are you staring at? Wubba: Don’t you stop. Keith: Don’t stop what? Staring? Are we having a staring competition now, here? Norman: Chisel, is that you? Keith: Yes, yes it is Norman. Hold on a moment. Wubba? Why is your bedsheet moving? Oh Portnoy’s complaint no! But both of your hands are in plain sight! What the- Wubba: Uuurnggfff. Fuuuucchhh.. Aw it’s thebest day in my life. Norman: Keith? Keith: Shut up Norman, busy here. Why are you crying Wubba? Wubba: I’m so fwukin’ happy. Waahahaha! Keith: You are a teenage-grade moron. Wubba: Aw, it feels so good. The semen is still drippin’ out the top of it. (Curtain flashes open) Floyd: Hey. Keith: What in Dawkin’s name are you-? Floyd: I came to apologise. (Curtain flashes open) Mauldy: Me too. Keith: Who are you? (Curtain again) Ace: What are you doing here, I thought you pissed off to do another deal? Mauldy: Shut your mouth. Floyd: Oh, you’re back? Keith: Ace? Brian? What is this; an exorcism? Floyd: Mr Tash, Norman, eh, I’m sorry. I took your medal. Woah, you look, where is your face? Anyway, I wanted to tell you. I took it… Sorry, Norman: (Starts to cry) Floyd: Stop, I didn’t mean- Keith: Why is everybody crying, has a famous rock star died inevitably young? Norman: Oh Floyd, you are not a bad boy, and you do not have to apologise to me. Floyd: No way man, I stole your medal, Norman: It is I who has to apologise to you. Floyd: It was in the lake, I uh found myself under the water and I saw it, and I took it. Keith: ‘Found myself under water?’ Floyd: Long story. Tash: I know… I threw it there. I couldn’t accept such an award. Floyd: But you saved me. Ace: But you were stealing from the school with this idiot. Keith: Stealing?! Mauldy: I’m not the idiot here. Tash: My god, why did you come here?! I told you not too! Keith: You know this recidivist? Mauldy: So, that was the medal you got for me burning down the school? (Collective shock) Ace: Holy Neelix and the Traitor! Floyd: Woah! Bad chong man! Bubbles: Fucksake fucksake! Keith: Richard Dawkins! Tash: Settal down you imbecile! Mauldy: The medal and the large amount of insurance money you planned to make from it. 10% still for me yeah? Huwaaa Huwaaa! Ace: I didn’t see that one coming. Floyd: You mean you tried to burn me alive in the school? For money? Mauldy: I would’ve got you out if he hadn’t, ask him! Keith: Norman? Is this true? Tash: That’s why I through the medal away. I couldn’t live with it. But as you can readily see, I got my just rewards for my actions. (Curtain flashes open) Wubba: Youse lads are a bunch of sick fukkas, hospitals the right place for you. Hawahawha! Bubbles: What are you smiling at wet face? Wubba: Wouldn’t you like to know. Bubbles: Where’s Sinead? Wubba: None of your business. Keith: It is MY business however! But, hold on everyone- I hadn’t finished. Norman, is this fact? You arranged a fire? Mauldy: You’re born of a jackal you know that? Floyd: You’ve, you’ve a head like a sock full of cum. Keith: I’m unsure of your all of your breeding. Bubbles: Well he’s half alien anyway. Tash: Go home! Mauldy: Shove it. (Curtain flashes open) Doctor: Now, Wubba is it? Good news! We have a tox screen of your stomach back from the lab! My my, hello everyone! Popular aren’t you Mr Wubba? But really, there should only be a maximum of three visitors per patient and there are six of you here now so… Keith: Sorry, your Doctor’s qualification obviously doesn’t cover numerical dexterity. There’re only five of us here! Doctor: No, no, there’re six of you. Keith: No, no, count with me for a moment; me 1, hairy idiot 2, new found son 3, Accursis 4 and him 5. Bubbles: I have a name. Keith: And Norman is hardly visiting. He’s a mummified immobile! Look one hand; five, see? How did you become a Doctor? Doctor: That’s not right. There’s five of you standing and a young lady kneeling under my patients bed with her hand under the sheet. Keith: What? Bubbles: Oh, oh please no. Wubba: Heheheheheh, this one’s for you Brian… (Lifts sheet up) Keith: SINEAD!! Sinead: Dad I’m sorry, I had to! Keith: No, no, no, no… Accursis: Oh shit. Floyd:  Dude, that’s, that’s your Candy girl Bubbles, Ace: Oh shit. Floyd: Right? Sinead: No. No. NO! I’m sorry! Mauldy: You’re truly the invisible man now Norman dear daddy. Keith: You are not my daughter. Doctor: So we agree on six then yeah? Fantastic! Ok- Keith: As for you lippadrome, I’m will exterminate you. Doctor: Eh, stand back please, this patient is in my care, keep your threats for when he is discharged ok? Wubba: Wha? Doctor: Now, Wubba, if I can call you that odd name… we’ve just discovered young man that you ingested 29 grams of a highly toxic mix of Heracleum Mantegazzianum and Datura Stramonium seeds. Enough to bring down a bull elephant… They are more commonly known as ‘Giant Hogweed’ and ‘Devil’s Trumpet’ ‘Devil’s Weed’ or if you like ‘Hell’s Bells’... Sinead: Daddy, don’t look at me like that… wait, Excuse me? Devil’s Trumpet seeds? Floyd: I like ‘Devil’s Weed’ better. Wubba: Really? (Smiles) How’d I get them into me now I wonder? Keith: (Laughs to himself) You bulbous labia-‘d baaaastard. Doctor: Excuse me? Tash: Hell’s bells. Doctor: The plant is often fatal when ingested by humans and animals. It produces a complete inability to differentiate reality from fantasy. And as I look around me, maybe I ate them at dinner meself. Wubba, you’re lucky you have a throat! Mauldy: What’s goin’ on? Huehuehue! Sinead: But I only gave you a coffee! Wubba: Obviously wasn’t coffee though was it? Keith: Ngggn I’ll give you a cleft palette you bastard! Sinead: There was no coffee on the counter, you said there was none, but then, in the cupboard, in the jar of Nescaf; DAD? Keith: Darling, I can explain… UCLS III (Hogweed) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. Welcome back to our U.C.L.S. friends! It’s year 3 at University College LoughFeg State. And it seems Floyd Frisbane has made a new friend and judging by the goings on last night at the main college building, he may find him too hot to handle! Todaytime has us with Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne and Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, as they endure Saturday morning detention by planting seeds. Geography teacher Norman Tash is the hero of the hour. And he gets a medal for it! Science Professor Keith Chiselton meanwhile bristles with hardly concealed hatred for all of peoplekind. Come Monday morning, he’s at UCLS gates exchanging unpleasantries with UCLS janitor Richard Soupe. Professor Keith Chiselton: Loving father and comic obsessive. For his daughter Sinead, after her Year One online virginity auction, she’s studying to be a Doctor! Afterwards we go to LoughFeg’s Lough Feg where Accursis, Brian and Floyd gaze at their lint-filled navels. Dick harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. While at Chiselton Manor, Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat before large-lipped lampoonery leads Peter 'Wubba' O'Toole into launching himself under a wardrobe. Well, it's action-packed isn't it? And there's so much more in this 90-minute audio comedy adventure. Manna for the ears Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right.

George: Oh weeds! Weeds! Dick’s kingdom for the killing of weeds! Down by LougFeg’s Lough Feg, it’s Floyd with some ‘Floyd’ and a Mauldy part too. Floyd: Let's just say that we knew for sure that he was a sexual pervert... Mauldy: Ah, he kept that quiet didn’t he? Floyd: All that leather and spandex. It was over the top. Mauldy: ‘Ere, are you on that social media? Floyd: Nah, I don't want to follow anybody, I follow myself. Mauldy: Yeah, they encourage self-importance and narcissism don’t they? Floyd: They are trivial distractions and serve little purpose! Mnyeh, that’s it. Mauldy: Fuckin’ right, Floyd: You said it. You. Mauldy: Once someone really analyses its so called popularity- (Music slows down) Floyd: Uh, batteries need replacing, and we ran out of shit. Mauldy: Not to worry! Have some more! Take the edge off... Heheheh. Mauldy likes taking the edge off. Just gettin’ stoned. Floyd: Woah, the talented Mr. Mauldy! Mauldy: More where that came from. Floyd: Yeah? Mauldy: Get it into ya, look at ya… I want to see you fuckin’ stoned. I love seein’ people off their face, get a fuckin’ buzz out of it. Floyd: Who are your family? Mauldy: Fuckin’ stupid lad. Ah bite the fist. Huehuehuehuehue! (Flamethrower bursts in distance). Floyd: What was that? I think I’m tripping. Is there somebody on the other side of the lake? Mauldy: Ah there is too! Ah look. It’s me daddy! You wanted to know who my family is, he’s skinny dipping in the lake. What’s he like? (Flamethrower) Floyd: The world is burning! Get down! Mauldy: What’s goin’ on? Huehuehuehue huaargh. Floyd: Mauldy? Dick: Two Charlies in the bush! Recon update sir; heat, rain, smoke! Smell of diesel. VC is out there. It’s a hot zone. They’re in the foxhole! Air support won’t be long. Lay down that rolling thunder! (Flamethrower blast) Floyd: Mauldy? Mauldy? Ya fuckin’ eegit, you left me again haven’t you? It’s hot, ah flames. Shit! Shit! Water! Water! Water! (Floyd jumps into the water) Floyd: What is that? It’s shiny! Woah. It’s, it’s silver!! (Gets out of the water) Floyd: (coughs) ooh, oh head spins, woah. Dick! Dick: (Shock) Kooks in the bush! Can’t run! Booby traps. Floyd: What are yo u doing? Dick: Hah? Hah? Wassit, Floyd? Floyd? Floyd: Dude, relax! Dick: Ah Floyd, I didn’t see you for the dweeb amongst the weeds. Ace and Bubbles are looking for you. They wait to intervention you. Floyd: Wait, inter-what? Dick: Well you’re like, off your head here I’d say, in the water and everything... No one in their right minds would swim in that sludge. Floyd: Yes they do. There was another guy doing it on the other side. Mauldy’s father! Dick: Floyd, Floyd, take it from experience, no one believes a stoner. Floyd: What? Em, that wasn’t why I was, you were aiming a flamethrower at my head! Dick: What’s that in your hand? Floyd: Nothing. Dick: Show it to me! Floyd: No. (Suddenly a man screaming from the bushes on fire) Dick: It’s a dragon! Kill it! Tash: Save me you imbeciles. Floyd: He’s engulfed, put him out Dick! Dick: Mr Tash? Sorry Norman! Ung! (Punch) Tash: Ahhh! (Flies into water, splash, sizzle) Dick: Floyd! Go get an ambulance!  Floyd: What the, uh, uh, my legs don’t work. Dick: Do I have to do every fucking thing around here?? I have to work. All this Hogweed needs clearing. And the teaching! Here, I’m only normal. I can see how the Professor feels now. Hey, Floyd?! Where’s he gone, hey! Fuckface, come back and help me ya lyin’ bollix! (Hogweed) George: Meanwhence at UCLS Science block, Prefab 1, a bilious Professor begins his belch. Keith: I don’t care if the- and I’m paraphrasing “last teacher had a breakdown and tried to cremate everybody!” As far-fetched as you make it sound- that’s what teachers do! They have breakdowns! I’M having a breakdown! And you had an assignment! Where is it? And why is the classroom half-empty and smelling like Mehfooz AlFajar’s lamb Bhindi? I turn my back for one minute and plankton, photosynthesises into morons! (Phone rings) Keith: Meeh, this cretin. You lot, open the book. Somewhere, learn! That’s what you’re here for isn’t it? Oh, hello Broadleaf. Checking in again? What’s that? (Laughs snidely) … Norman Tash? Again? Is he trying to kill himself? Heh oh, he’s so baaad at doing that. Why was he- What? A flamethrower? Dick? Oh Dawkins! The weeds! They were… No, this is all getting out of hand. Thank- yes thank you Broadleaf. When will you be back? We’re light on staff here… (Phone hangs up) Mr O’Hara? Broadleaf? Hello? … Right! (Gets up) Right! Class suspended! Go back to following your parents into becoming useless adults. (Door bang). Dick: Professor Keith! Did you hear the news? Keith: You are an idiot! I’m going to the hospital. It’s Norman, again! Dick: I’m fine by the way. Keith: Go be a fucking teacher, science, prefab 1, room full of degenerates, you’ll fit right in. No actually, do your fucking real job and burn all that shit! Provost Broadleaf wants it, well you shall have him get it! (Hogweed) George: Poor Professor Keith, he sounds sick. He’s not the only one as we return you now to LoughFeg State Hospital and a convalescing craayture. Wubba: Sinead! Sineaaaad? Where the fwuck are ya? Sinead: What do you want? Wubba: Sinead, go to the shop and get me some jelly babies and then you can give me a blow job. Go on or I’ll tell your fwatha. (Cough cough) Sinead: I’m not giving you a blow job! Oh my god! Wubba: You’re mine. You pwomised! Sinead: I didn’t promise that! Wubba: I’ll tell! Sinead: Okaaay, the deal is, one hand job. And that’s it! Wubba: Fwair enough! You have to get some palm oil, loosen it up. (Trolly commotion) (Curtain flashes open) Doctor: Sorry Mr O’Toole, we have to move your bed over a bit. Wubba: I’m getting a woom mate? Jesus, he looks like the elephant man! Sinead: Should I go? I can go. Wubba: You stay here! Doctor: It’s fine. He’s bandaged up. Time is 3.42pm. Stabilised the body’s vital functions, patient assessed for shock and respiratory failure; all clear. Wubba: Are you alright Boss? What happened to ya? Doctor: Okedoke, eh, initial debriding of patient with antiseptic solution removed dead skin plus coagulated secretions from previous incident. Anti-anxiety medication delivered. Ok, superb, I think nurse all we need is a little light sedation, what do you think? Yeah? Right-o, I’ll leave that with you then sweetheart. Ok, back in a while… (Curtain closed) Sinead: This is so uncomfortable. Wubba: Hello? Don’t say much do ya? Did you lose your tongue in whatever happened? Tash: Shut up you fat-lipped miscreant. Sinead: Oh, Mr Tash?! Wubba: Is that you? You’ve bwoke yourself up again? First time; on the school twip to the woods, now twice in a week? Tash: Shut up shut up Settal dowan! Leave me alone. You, Sinead, seeing as you are the only one mobile; pull over the dividing curtain till I get some privacy. Sinead: Of course Mr. Tash yes. (Pulls curtain) Sinead: I should go. Wubba: You will not, he won’t hear a thing. I hear you bite your fist anyway… Sinead: What the fuck are you saying? Wubba: Here, what you waiting for Sinead? Here’s the oil. Get the hand in… (Hogweed) George: Mmm, sordid muck! Let’s change the subject. Did you know that LoughFeg has a bowling alley? Rack em’ lads… UCLS III (Hogweed) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. Welcome back to our U.C.L.S. friends! It’s year 3 at University College LoughFeg State. And it seems Floyd Frisbane has made a new friend and judging by the goings on last night at the main college building, he may find him too hot to handle! Todaytime has us with Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne and Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, as they endure Saturday morning detention by planting seeds. Geography teacher Norman Tash is the hero of the hour. And he gets a medal for it! Science Professor Keith Chiselton meanwhile bristles with hardly concealed hatred for all of peoplekind. Come Monday morning, he’s at UCLS gates exchanging unpleasantries with UCLS janitor Richard Soupe. Professor Keith Chiselton: Loving father and comic obsessive. For his daughter Sinead, after her Year One online virginity auction, she’s studying to be a Doctor! Afterwards we go to LoughFeg’s Lough Feg where Accursis, Brian and Floyd gaze at their lint-filled navels. Dick harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. While at Chiselton Manor, Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat before large-lipped lampoonery leads Peter 'Wubba' O'Toole into launching himself under a wardrobe. Well, it's action-packed isn't it? And there's so much more in this 90-minute audio comedy adventure. Manna for the ears. Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right.

George: Comics or offspring? Which ones have been violated now, Professor, mmm? Off he rushes through the bushes as we pause to take sanctuary. At LoughFeg’s Episcopalian Church. Reading the sermon today is the most Reverend… Mauldy? Floyd: The-the dude was steaming angry. Even the big veins in his eyes flared up. Mauldy: Ah Jesus… May God have mercy on his hole! Huwaaa! Huwaaa! Floyd: Sshhh! We’re in a church… He’s listening… Mauldy: My relative, he was buggered by a priest. Floyd: That’s harsh. Mauldy: Look at that sky pilot in the dress up there. What a soldier of morality! Look at his teeth, clenched ever tightly, lest an errant choirboy’s penis should just flop in there by accident. HO! Huuawaa! Ah Mauldy, sick, he comes out with the sick stuff. Floyd: Mauldy, you are well spoken vagabond! Mauldy: Here, that Ace lad’s a loser… he thinks he’s great. But I know his father… (Posh voice) Couldn’t quite get you into private college my boy! Huwaaa! Huwaaa! He’s UCLS. Floyd: Better off doing nothing eh Mauldy? Mauldy: Curse-a-jesus, it’s hard work if you want your dole! They don’t want our likes spending it on  download websites or rotten beer in Correll’s. Floyd: Then it’s a dead end job for me. Mauldy: (Cockney) Why not be a drug deala! Floyd: No, be a principal of a school! That’s easy. Don’t ever need a qualification.  Mauldy: Ah these days you do. Need a qualification to drive a PC or have shit in a toilet. Floyd: Didn’t our last- Mauldy: Come on, let’s get the fuck out of here, I got what I came for. Floyd: You stashed it here? Mauldy: God’s house is a safe house! Huwaaa! Huwaaa! Hey, forget about that posh lad and let’s get this into ya yeah? Floyd: Eh, is that?- Mauldy: That’s right! Floyd: No way! Mauldy: Charlie-charlie-charlie-Haha! You just graduated to the fuckin’ big league! Floyd: Heheheh. Cool. Mauldy: Bring it on! Bite the fist! Arrghgmmmm. Huuawaa! I am, rejoicing! Floyd: Let’s go down to the lough. No one’ll see us down there. Priest: And vultures begin to circle, they start swooping in… Then darkness falls.. Mauldy: No-one’ll see this down here either look it! Floyd: Oh that’s genius, wearing black tights to keep it warm and close. Awesome… Mauldy: Smart eh? Have money rolled up in the sock sure. Floyd: It’s a nice evening for it. Hey! Hey! What about becoming a teacher? That’s a dead end job right? Wit holidays! Mauldy: Fuck all money in that, all the stress. Floyd: This future remains open! Meanwhile, here at LoughFeg’s Lough Feg… Mauldy: Ah fuckin’ jungle! Woargh! Jurassic park! What’s going on? Huwaaa! Huwaaa! Lads with hands the size of shovels coming at ya, not a stitch on them! Have to hide on them. Amongst the weeds! Could get raped! (High voice) But he had a mickey like a wet towel! Ho! Huuaawaa! Sick. Floyd: The doobie brothers to the rescue. Mauldy: Where’s the sounds, where’s the sounds? Floyd: Floyd has some ‘Floyd! Got cool little speakers, look. Mauldy: Bose. That’s cool isn’t it? Floyd: Yeah, Animals, side 1. Cassette… Let’s do it… Mauldy: Aw, I love it! Fuckin’ love it! Get this into ya Gandalf! Come on!   Floyd: Aw yeah, hahahah, yeah… George: Bite the fist! Get it into yaaa! Go on the Mauldy! At that moment elsewhere, Norman Tash is moving molehills. Tash: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Ace: Hi Mr Tash. Tash: Listen. Regarding the medal, I think I may have the answer. Ace: Oh yeah? Tash: Quid pro quo yes? Brian: That’s in a film isn’t it? Ace: Silence my lamb. Brian: Wha? Tash: I think you should perform an intervention on Floyd. It’s the only way to save him now. Believe me. Ace: That’s all very Masters of the Universe isn’t it? Brian: Floyd does look a bit like a Skeletor.  Tash: If you summon the courage to approach your friend, both of you, to forcefully make him see the error of his ways, to convince him to admit to his indiscretions and seek help… I really think he can- Ace: I am Ace, Prince of Cytheria, Defender of the idiots, at Castle Dumbskull. This one cringes; my fearful Bubbles. Brian: Hello. Tash: Em… Ace: Fabulous naked prowess was revealed to me the day I held aloft my meaty sword and said "By the power of Dumbskull, I have the power!” Brian: (Di-di-di-di! Etc) Ace: Bubbles came with a mighty ‘Asthma Attack’ and I became Intervention-Man, the most powerful man with a Master’s of the Universe. Brian: (Sneeze) Ace: Only three others share this secret: our friends Norman Tash, an inhaler bottle, and some sticky-backed plastic. Together we will end Castle Dumbskull’s evil possession of Skeletor. By the power of Dumbskull! Tash: ACE!!! Shut up! This is not the time to be sarcastic! I‘m aware of the cartoon… Ace: Floyd is hardly on death’s door though. A bit of a spliff and well, some other minor indulgences… Tash: He burnt down half a bloody school! Em, I mean, look you must trust me. And if you do this, I promise you, I will wade deep into Lough Feg and retrieve my medal and restore my honour and acceptance. Okay? Ace: It’s actually not very deep… Brian: Half a metre, it’s more of a pond really. Tash: Then I shall not be out of depth on this issue, correct? And you neither! Brian: Come on Ace, I told you, I’m worried about Floyd, he’s on a slippery slope.Ace: What do you know about- Tash: Accccceee. Ace: Fine! It’s a deal! Medal for an intervention… Brian: Well done Ace, Prince of Cytheria. I’m proud of you. Ace: Have you SEEN her new video? I couldn’t sleep. Look at my bags. Brian: Bulging. Tash: Now in no way is this like the Munich Agreement but I have to first go back to the hospital to remove some bandages as you can see… And also to call in on Wubba but after that I’m getting wet! Ace: Did you say Wubba? What happened to him? Tash: Seems he was at the Chiseltons. Brian: What? Tash: I don’t know the details and frankly I don’t want to. But his head is like a balloon I hear. Brian: Good enough for the fukka. He’s responsible for everything wrong at the moment. Floyd. Sinead! Everything! Tash: Bubbles, now is the time for a little benevolence. Brian: Benevil wha? I’ll bevel him with some violence alright, if he makes it out of hospital. I want to see him! Ace: Let’s find Floyd Bubbles, we’re not going to the hospital! Brian: But but- Ace: I said No! Bubbles: You’re like my father now. (Inhaler) You think you’re the great lad. Ace: Someone has to be my tubular bell. We’re going to action that plan! But first we have science in the new prefab if we can stumble through this jungle… UCLS III (Hogweed) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. Welcome back to our U.C.L.S. friends! It’s year 3 at University College LoughFeg State. And it seems Floyd Frisbane has made a new friend and judging by the goings on last night at the main college building, he may find him too hot to handle! Todaytime has us with Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne and Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, as they endure Saturday morning detention by planting seeds. Geography teacher Norman Tash is the hero of the hour. And he gets a medal for it! Science Professor Keith Chiselton meanwhile bristles with hardly concealed hatred for all of peoplekind. Come Monday morning, he’s at UCLS gates exchanging unpleasantries with UCLS janitor Richard Soupe. Professor Keith Chiselton: Loving father and comic obsessive. For his daughter Sinead, after her Year One online virginity auction, she’s studying to be a Doctor! Afterwards we go to LoughFeg’s Lough Feg where Accursis, Brian and Floyd gaze at their lint-filled navels. Dick harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. While at Chiselton Manor, Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat before large-lipped lampoonery leads Peter 'Wubba' O'Toole into launching himself under a wardrobe. Well, it's action-packed isn't it? And there's so much more in this 90-minute audio comedy adventure. Manna for the ears. Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right.

(Plop water distance) Ace: He’s just thrown something into the lake. Indeed, what IS he doing? Dick: Ah HAAA! Surprise motherfuckers! Brian: What the-oof-ARGH! Dick: It’s a Full on Metal Jackass! The Helmet Underground! Caught me two Charlies in the bush! Recon update sir; snakes and rats the size of dogs, heat, rain, smoke, helicopter overhead. Smell of diesel. Pitch black, VC is out there. We set down the claymores. Hot zone. Tormented screams above the gunfire. Crouch in my fox hole. Bloodied feet. Wait. M16 in hand, radio in the other. Air support won’t be long. Lay down that Rolling Thunder. Charlie hates that! The jungle is relentless, Hot, muggy, wet in your sweat. Malaria! But they’re out there, them Kooks in the bush. Can’t run! Booby trapped pungi pits full of sharpened, dung-tipped bamboo! Long way from boom-boom with my baby back in DaNang… Ace: Dick? (Slaps) Are you alright? Dick: Wha? Brian: (Inhaler) Dick: Wha? What are you looking at me for?! Stop that! Ace: You don’t look alright. Dick: Ah, young Ace. It’s you! Phew, bit the livin’. I was a goner there. I was done for. I was back in ‘Nam for a second. The big giant weeds brought it all back. Ace: Ah come on now Dick, you do realise you are too young for serving in Vietnam? Asides from the fact, that you are not even American? Dick: Have you not seen ‘Platoon’! I was there! 24th of April 1987. In the cinema, front row, big bag of popcorn. Like it was yesterday! Aw, aw… Bubbles, did you shit? Brian: What are ya doin’? It’s these giant plants not me! Dick: Have you ever seen such an abundance? At least 10 foot tall. Arms three feet wide with the purple headed flower... The fat stems green with purple blotches and white hairs. Thorny as fuck and gives me the itch! Like my last girlfriend! Nyheheheh. (Scratches). Ace: I’d say Professor Keith is looking for you. Dick: You could be right. Ace: As he’s just arrived in the carpark. Dick: Has he now? Keith: (distant) AHHH FUUUUUCK!!! Dick: He sounds happy. Bubbles: But he’s leaving again. He’s getting back in the car. Dick: He’s got a rake of classes coming up, he better be quick whatever he’s at or I’ll’ve to substitute. Ace: You mean you’d be teaching? Are you qualified? Dick: Broadleaf said I could maybe do some now Mr Tash is MIA, sure how hard can it be? Ace: Oh. Right. You could get some good experience. Maybe use it to get on a course and go back to third level education to get a certificate? Dick: Back to third level? What are ya on about? I never even made it into second level! Brian: Hihihihih, imagine Dick in secondary school, like that lad ‘JJ Newsome’ we had in our class, five o’clock shadow, all mature hihihihihih! I’m older than him now than he was then. Dick: That’d be quaren good now hah? Can yis imagine? Think of the young ones looking for the manly leadership. Looking atcha; curious, toyin’ with the curls. You there with the haggard grizzled face of: ‘been-there-got-lost-trying-but-back-now’. Open the book, suck my cock off and I’ll set you free! Teach you all you need to not make the same mistakes. Save up your mature student’s allowance to take her out… Clit like a sniper’s bullet! (Hogweed) George: We leave Dick as he harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. Over then to Chiselton Manor, where Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat. (Exercising to video) (Doorbell rings) Sinead: Hang on a second. I’m coming! Wubba: (outside) I fwuckin’ wish. Sinead: Oh, hi O’Toole. What has you here? Wubba: Can I come in? Sinead: No not really. Why? Wubba: Because I’m standing outside for a stawt. Sinead: And? Listen I have to study. Wubba: Ah cwome on Sinead, twought I’d dwop by to say hello. Sinead: You just have O’Toole! Goodbye! Wubba: I was, I was spweakin’ to Bubbles today. Sinead: Good for you! See ya! Wubba: He was asking afta ya. Him and Ace were sittin’ at the lake an- Sinead: Ace? (Click, door unlocks) What’s the gossip so? Does he have any more news on the fire? Wubba: Ah thanks Sinead. Sinead: You can’t stay long. I really need to study and besides, my father hates boys in the house. Wubba: Ah, can’t bwame him. You and Cware are hot shit. I spent some twime with your sister locked in a wawdwobe once. We was in a shack with a fweak that had dead fweet around his neck! Sinead: We don’t need speak of that in this house. Clare is still in therapy. Wubba: I’d ask you for a Wibena but- Sinead: Ribena? That’s a child’s Vitamin C drink. Wubba: But I’ll go for a cwoffee thanks. I’m off the Wibena for a while, it’s a sugary fukka. Sinead: You want a coffee, in my house? Wubba: Lovely thwanks! A twap o’ milk, a Hermeseta if you have it. Nice kitchen! Marble counter n’ all. What’s this book? “GAMSAT”, What the fwuck is that? Sinead: That is my test book for getting into graduate medical school, put it down. Oh, and I’m sorry O’Toole. We’re out of coffee. Wubba: Wha? No cwoffee? Everyone has cwoffee! Sinead: Serious. None here. Daddy forgot to order it on Tesco last night. Wubba: Shoulda told me, I’d have brought some around. Sinead: Pity that. So you can stop looking through the cupboards now. Wubba: What’s this jar then? Sez ‘cwoffee’ on the front. Sinead: Show me that. Wubba: Ah looka, gwound coffee in here there sure, look! You taking the pwiss? Sinead: No, I, daddy said that there was- just nevermind, If I make you a coffee, will you go? Wubba: After I dwink it sure! Hahaha! Sinead: Ha-ha-hhh, so! Mr Tash saving Floyd in the school Friday night… What do you know? Wubba: Fwuck all! Been twying to get hold of Fwoyd. He’s hanging awound with a chap called Mauldy. Sinead: Don’t think I know him. Wubba: You wouldn’t want ta. He’s big twime on the ganja that lad. He’s a fwat up on the main stweet. Sinead: Good to know. Ok, here, one coffee, drink up! Wubba: Lovely! (Slurp, gulp) Ahhh. That’s a fwunny fwuckin’ taste. Here, have you any bwuiscuits? (slurp) (Sound of car approaching outside) Sinead: Oh no! It’s daddy, if he even smells you here. Quick! In here! Wubba: Stop pullin’ out of me! Mind the cwoffee! Sinead: NOW! Don’t fuck around. He’ll see you. Into the study room! Get in the wardrobe! Wubba: Aw here. Not the wawdwobe again. Sinead: Fucking shut up. And whatever you do, don’t spill that coffee! (Inside wardrobe) Wubba: Will I be in your sister in here again? Hawawawa! (slurp) Some mad twaste of that. Sinead: Hi Dad! Back already? Keith: Ah I forgot my big book of botany, can’t ask one of the classroom plebs for a loan of one can I? No! They’d be flatulating with glee and gyrating like hyenas. Bad enough I’m going to be late to a class! What IS that smell? Sinead: Eh, I was working out to the dvd. Keith: Meeeeh, Sinead, just get out of my way, I need to look for it in the study. Sinead: I, uh, eh… Wubba: (Slurp. Smack of lips) Keith: This is just exasperating. I still have to book a ticket for San Diego. Two more weeks Keith, you can survive. How dare Broadleaf fuck with me by not granting my holiday request. “You have no more days Professor!” Ngngngng, cunt! I’ll show him. It’s Comic-Con or bust baby! Neal Adams! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; souvenir book signing! And finally meeting Paul Levitz! Oh God… Breathe Keith breathe. Ah here it is! You baaastard… Wubba: (Flicks lighter). Cwomics! Comics everywhere! He’s a comic fweak! (Starts to choke) Keith: Back by six Sinead, lock up behind me. And entrance exams won’t pass themselves! Bye! (Body collapsing) Keith: Sinead, what was that? Sinead: Eh, my, my tampons. Box of them sitting on my medical books, they must’ve fallen. Keith: Meegh, I’m gone. Cretins await! Sinead: Bye. (Door closes) Sinead: Shit shit shit shit! Wubba? Wubba? Are you ok? Wubba: (Red, choking) I can’t bwea, I can’t bwea, urrrrrhhhh, urrrrgh. Sinead: Oh-my-god, your face?! It’s a balloon. Wubba: Cwall d’f- d’fu, d’fwuckin’ ambwulance bwitch! (Wheeze, wretch) Sinead: No-no-no-no! This is not happening. You spilled coffee on daddy’s comics! (Hogweed) George: Large-lipped lampoonery leads to lauching himself under a wardrobe for Peter ‘Wubba’ O’Toole. Back at UCLS grounds, it’s time for some ‘Steep Gradient’ as a fully bandaged Norman Tash delivers a crater of geography. Tash: Yes, yes... Sit down. I can assure you that I have the rest of his face under these bandages nor is half of my buttock grafted there also. Now, Ace? Eh, I-I can’t see you amongst the lights… Ace: I’m here. Hi. Tash: How is Floyd doing, I haven’t seen him since I was discharged. Ace: Oh, he’s back to “normal” Tash: Don’t do that with your fingers Ace. Floyd: Eh, I am like, here, Mr Tash, talking about me like I was dead or something. Tash: Ah, so you are. Paying attention for once... UCLS III (Hogweed) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. Welcome back to our U.C.L.S. friends! It’s year 3 at University College LoughFeg State. And it seems Floyd Frisbane has made a new friend and judging by the goings on last night at the main college building, he may find him too hot to handle! Todaytime has us with Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne and Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, as they endure Saturday morning detention by planting seeds. Geography teacher Norman Tash is the hero of the hour. And he gets a medal for it! Science Professor Keith Chiselton meanwhile bristles with hardly concealed hatred for all of peoplekind. Come Monday morning, he’s at UCLS gates exchanging unpleasantries with UCLS janitor Richard Soupe. Professor Keith Chiselton: Loving father and comic obsessive. For his daughter Sinead, after her Year One online virginity auction, she’s studying to be a Doctor! Afterwards we go to LoughFeg’s Lough Feg where Accursis, Brian and Floyd gaze at their lint-filled navels. Dick harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. While at Chiselton Manor, Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat before large-lipped lampoonery leads Peter 'Wubba' O'Toole into launching himself under a wardrobe. Well, it's action-packed isn't it? And there's so much more in this 90-minute audio comedy adventure. Manna for the ears. Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right.

(UCLS grounds at night) Mauldy: Huuwaa huuwaaa! Floyd: Shut Up Mauldy. Mauldy: Ah that’s insane! Look! Professor Keith has a drawer full of black nylon ankle socks! Aw! Sick! Huuwaa! Huwaaa! Floyd: Mauldy! Mauldy: Ah bite the fist Mauldy! Be quiet! You’re in University College Loughfeg State. Floyd: You’ll get us caught. Mauldy: Hurry up and find it will ya! What’s this?! Ha, Mauldy turn on the Bunsen burner, heh, don’t give a shit. Floyd: Turn that off! Ah! Here you are… I knew he’d hide it in his lab. Mauldy: Look at the size of the flame! Huwaaa! Towering inferno! Huwaa! Huwaaa! Ahhhh the sickness!! That’s insane… Floyd: Mauldy- Mauldy? Mauldy! Where are ya? (Door creak, footsteps) Shit! Eh, hello? Em… I was in detention and they forgot about me so eh- Mauldy: What are you saying? Floyd: AHH! Holy crapo- you nearly made me drop the bong man! Mauldy: Get some of those Pyrex jugs too. And big jugs! Not like your sister’s. Huwaaa! Look in there. Floyd: Dude, I swear I just saw Professor Keith, he was sitting on that wardrobe, looking at me. Mauldy: In black nylon ankle socks? Floyd: Yeah! No! What? Mauldy: That skunk I got you is workin’ so huwaaa! Huwaa! Hurry up! Keith’s at home. It’s 9pm, he’ll be watching ‘Big Brother’. Get those jugs! Here, ah, Mauldy’s getting hot, that’s insane.  Floyd: Pyrex jugs. Ok, are you in here Mrs Jugs? (Opens cardboard box) Hmm, what’s this? It looks like bags of… Keith is a drug dealer?! Oh, oh, no, heheh- seeds. Ooh what kind? Maybe they’re… Uh, no. Day-tura Stra-mon-ium. Datura Stramonium? Uh, ah look, it’s called the “Devil’s Weed!” Hahaha! No WAY!   (Glass breaks distance) (Fire starts in next room) Floyd: Mauldy? He’s not disappeared again. Mauldy? OH NO. (Fire Alarm) Floyd: Fire! Fire! Bad! Bad! Mauldy!! What have you done? Mauldy: Huwaa! Huwaa! (Distant) Floyd: Fire extinguisher! Quick! No no no no no no! Bad sounds! Mauldy! (Explosion) Floyd: MAULDY! ARGHHGH! (Coughing) Ungf. Urrr. I can’t breathe. Esus, I see- trees of green…  red roses too… Professor? …  I see them bloom for me and you… And I think to myself… (coughs) what a won- der- ful... KEITH! (Hazy voices “It’s ok, it’s ok, take my arm, it’s ok, it’s ok”, blurry sounds). Voice: A&M Presents, an A&M Production, starring; George: Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne, Floyd Frisbane, Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, Professor Keith Chiselton, Norman Tash, Richard Soupe, Peter ‘Wubba’ O’Toole, Sinead Chiselton, Mauldy… Voice: U. C. L. S. Ucls… Hogweed, hogweed, hogweed,… George: Ah Hello! Welcome back, to our U.C.L.S. friends! It’s year 3 at University College LoughFeg State. And it seems Floyd Frisbane has made a new friend. Judging by the goings on last night at the main college building, he may find him too hot to handle! Todaytime has us with Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne and Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, as they endure Saturday morning detention by planting seeds. Ace: Pass me more seeds Bubbles will you? Brian: Call me Brian please. Ace: Oh yes, sorry, you are growing up now. Brian: Why are we doing this? Ace: Saturday morning detention. Same as every Saturday for months now. Brian: Ever since I fucked his daughter, Professor Keith is out to get me. Ace: Just because you’re paranoid… Brian: No, just because I fucked his daughter. Now I have to plant seeds on a Saturday. (Inhaler) And that rubbery lipped cunt “Wubba” is doing the moves on Sinead as well. Ace: I hear she is studying for medicine at UCD. Anyway, I don’t care. Brian: Are you thinking about Floyd? Ace: No, not really. Brian: What then? Ace: Your headphones. Brian: What about them? Ace: They are huge. And red- Brian: Dr Dre’s Beats are the best! Ace: Fuck this, let’s go visit Floyd in hospital. (Hogweed!) Brian: Do you know which ward he’s in? Ace: The Burnt Ward. Brian: Wasn’t he in Batman? Ace: He was Robin. Brian: That’s what they’re sayin’ Floyd was doing last night in the school. (Scratches) I hope he’s alright. Ace: Speak of the devil and he shall- Floyd: Hey boys. Where are my flowers? Ace: We’ve some seeds if you want. What the fuck are you doing smoking outside? Brian: Floyd! Thank god. Are you alright? Any skin grafts? Floyd: Nah, I’m tip-top, only some fume inhalation. Heheh. Good to see ya. Ace: Nothing like a Friday night with Mauldy hmm? Brian: Ace thinks he’s a prick. Floyd: Does he? Well, he IS a moral authority on such things. Ace: You two were stealing weren’t you? Where’s that gobshite now? Floyd: There was a fire, we saw it, I tried to- and then, I- I can’t remember. Ace: Convenient. Who burnt it? You? Him? Smell of cordite off your fingers I’d say. Floyd: Woah! No! You’re all mixed up as usual. That scarf restricting your blood flow again. If you want to know my opinion, I’d say it was Keith. I saw him. I think. Brian: The professor? Dirty bastard. He’s a cu- Ace: Don’t listen to him Bub- Brian. He’s still tripping from his pyromania. Floyd: You are being very hostile my friend. Ace: How many times Floyd, how many times… Brian: Not this again! Ace: I find what you did it morally offensive! It’s a violation of the- Floyd: Morally Offensive! Gotta get me some of that action! Listen, go put on your Huey Lewis albums and pont- pontiff- pon- Ace: ‘Pontificate’ you mean to say: ‘to moralise, pronounce, lecture’, whatever, you need it.  Floyd: I know what I saw! Keith was there man! Brian: And he’s coming here now. Sshh. Floyd: Speak of the actual devil… (cough). Keith: Hrmmm, the wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. Glad to see you are still with us Floyd Frisbane. Floyd: Hey, it’s, it’s an honour, that you came to, listen, thanks for coming, it means a lot. Keith: I’m not here to see you, you pointless cretin! Half the school is burnt down and you… pulled like a vulture from its ashes. Ace: I think that’s a phoenix. Keith: Vultures! You should all be in detention! Not only am I deputising for his UCLS-ness Broadleaf O’Hara but I’m here to see that: No, not a single scratch lies upon your pasty emaciated frame? Floyd: I’m doing well, thanks Keith. Keith: Same can’t be said for your saviour, it would seem. I’m sure you’ve been in to thank him for your life? Floyd: Hmm, my what? Ace: So you weren’t so high you could fly? Keith: (Chortle) you are occasionally funny. Follow me and we will see, who it is, that set you free. Brian: Hi Mr Keith. (Inhaler) Keith: You seem to be sweating, a lot. Of course, I would be too if I was wearing those monstrosities you call headphones. Floyd: I hate the smell of hospitals. (Elevator opens onto ward) Floyd: Who’s this guy? Bert: Ah, ah, here they are now, Brian: Oh my god! Keith: Ah, Mayor Kavanagh, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Brian: That’s the fuckin’ mayor! Floyd: Is not! Bert: The doctor’s said he has to rest, only 43% burns. Fully bandaged for a few days, no facial scarring though. Floyd: Dude, who is it, Nikki Lauder? Brian: It’s a mummy. Keith: Mayor Kavanagh, this is Floyd Frisbane, he’s the one that was ‘saved’. Bert: Ah, we were wondering where you’d got to. Glad you made it out unscathed. Floyd: Um, yeah, I- who-? Keith: (whispers) You, are an asshole. Bert: You, hah, hah, missed the committee and Toni Murph from the newspaper. We’d pictures taken. He’s a very brave man and he’s been awarded a medal for it so he has. Forged by Matty Gerhaghty who is lucky to be alive himself! Last week in the storms, he had a close call with a fallen cable. Floyd: That’s a nice medal. Bert: Hoho, isn’t it though? I tell you son, you owe a debt of gratitude to Mr Tash so ya do. Floyd: Woah! Mr Tash! I didn’t, oh, Ace man, it’s- Ace: Your English and Geography teacher saved you Floyd. Floyd: (coughs) Fuck, oh, you are my hero man. Keith: Norman, are you with us? Brian: (Under breath) or against us… Tash: Ooh, hello, by my father’s leather belt, it’s good to see you all. Bert: You’re the star Mr Tash. Floyd: I-I don’t know what to say. Keith: That’s a first. Norman, everything is being taken care of, you rest up and we’ll see you soon, right, all of you, back to school. Ace: Eh, what school? Bert: Youse have school on Saturday? Keith: Caretaker Richard Soupe assures me there is still half the main building left and the prefabs will be up by Monday. Now! Stop infecting the air in here, we have seeds to plant! Floyd: Man, I’m, I’m sorry… Keith: As you should be. Now, amazingly, there are jobs ready for you. Tash: Ace. Ace? Come back a moment would you. Ace: Me? Yep, I’m here, what’s on your mind, other than- Tash: Ace, keep an eye on Floyd will you? I think he’s a little lost these days. Ace: Sure thing Mr. Tash. I’ll do that. I’m on for that. Nice medal by the way. Tash: Thank you. How do I look? Ace: Like an invisible man. Keith: Get in the elevator! We’re going! Bert: Good luck now! Thanks for everything! Don’t forget, vote’s coming up in Autumn! Ho, ho. (Hogweed) George: Geography teacher Norman Tash is the hero of the hour. And he gets a medal for it! Science Professor Keith Chiselton meanwhile bristles with hardly concealed hatred for all of peoplekind. Come Monday morning, he’s at UCLS gates exchanging unpleasantries with UCLS janitor Richard Soupe. UCLS III (Hogweed) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. Welcome back to our U.C.L.S. friends! It’s year 3 at University College LoughFeg State. And it seems Floyd Frisbane has made a new friend and judging by the goings on last night at the main college building, he may find him too hot to handle! Todaytime has us with Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne and Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, as they endure Saturday morning detention by planting seeds. Geography teacher Norman Tash is the hero of the hour. And he gets a medal for it! Science Professor Keith Chiselton meanwhile bristles with hardly concealed hatred for all of peoplekind. Come Monday morning, he’s at UCLS gates exchanging unpleasantries with UCLS janitor Richard Soupe. Professor Keith Chiselton: Loving father and comic obsessive. For his daughter Sinead, after her Year One online virginity auction, she’s studying to be a Doctor! Afterwards we go to LoughFeg’s Lough Feg where Accursis, Brian and Floyd gaze at their lint-filled navels. Dick harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. While at Chiselton Manor, Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat before large-lipped lampoonery leads Peter 'Wubba' O'Toole into launching himself under a wardrobe. Well, it's action-packed isn't it? And there's so much more in this 90-minute audio comedy adventure. Manna for the ears. Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right.

George: Dick is trampled underfoot as the Bunsens and Busher tie him down to await his stinkin’ fate. But Busher has seen something familiar in Dick. What is it? Tell us Busher! Busher: Back to those gorgeous feet now. Which pair will I pick? Mmm Bourney. So smooth, so milky white. Ace: You said something there Busher. You said you know Dick. Busher: I know nartin’ right! Ace: I heard you, you said you knew him. How do you know him? Busher: Not tellin’ ya right?! Bunsen: Busher? Ace: Tell us, go on, you know Dick! Floyd: Tell us. Dick: Who knows who? Hah? Busher: Ah, can’t lie like the LIARS! Yeah, ok, I know your Dick. I know your Dick well. I used to go to UCLS. He was my friend, peah, he was the only one that gave me the time of day, peah. When I was growing up one of the most famous bands of the time was A-ha. I used to dress like their lead singer Morten Harket. Clare: Mm? Mmm? Mmnng? Ace: Yes, I’ve heard of them, I’ve seen a parody of their “Take On Me” video on an episode of “Family Guy.” Feel good tune. Busher: Yeah, I loved it. Peeyeah! B-but when I used to come to school in my leather laces, torn denim, & quiffed hair, the others used to bully me. Call me a queer! Say I wore a nappy! Ace: To keep your Mammy happy? Busher: WHA? Ace: Ooow my little piggy toe. Oh, no sorry dude, just the ad, reciting the ad. It popped into my brain. But-but Dick, how did he help you? Busher: Dick befriended me. Helped me, peh, he was the only one who gave me the time of day. He told me not to listen to the other lads and just be myself, in the end that’s what gets you real respect. Nobody knows the real Busher! Only Dick understood me Bourney. After school I used to help him clean up the boys shower block. He invited me into his world and he made me feel as if I was wanted, for the very first time. I found out from here, where all the spy holes into the changing room were. Sometimes we’d look through them after PE and laugh at them. Ace: What the hell happened then? Why are you here? Busher: I left school early, and got a job as an assistant at the morgue. Bunsen befriended me and eventually trapped me here in this house. I got away. But I just had to go back. I loved it. I loved havin’ my feet loved. I can’t describe it Bourney, it was the best and the worst feeling I ever had. Bunsen: Shuttup Busher! Shut up Busher! Ace: Dick was your friend, he’s our friend too! Look what they are doing to him; you know it’s not right. Get out of here, change your life. Maybe Dick could get you a job at the school, I know he would help you, he’s, he’s a good man. Maybe we could be your friends too. Except Bubbles… You don’t want to be his friend. Busher: Jeezus Bourney, your right! Fuck! I’ve been in a fog the last fifteen years! Fuck! I’m thirty five years of age I need to wake up and cop on! Concobhar: Mmm, Dick’s feet are ripe. Never have I smelt such a well-aged cheddar. My tongue could spend ages cleaning underneath those talons. And the curvature, so, so twisted and bumpy! Obviously the result of many years of wearing ill-fittin’ shoes I’d say, hohohohhh… Dick: Ge-huh, get off me you sick depraved fuckers. I’ll ram me big toe up your nostril. You sickos took that poor Busher kid, he was the like the best son I never had. Busher: Peagh! Say nothin’ Bourney, keep it a secret! I’m going to untie you. Busher’s copped on now. Ace: Okay, distract the brothers Grimm & I’ll untie the others. Concobhar: Corns, callouses, bunions. Hard cracked skin. Aw, tong thick hairs. Dick’s feet have obviously led a hard working life and have been seriously neglected. Aw beautiful! Those feet speak to us of a life of hardship. Ahkshshs! I-I want to cry… I want to cry Mammy, I want to cry. Dick: Curse of the seven fucks be on yis! Stop your inhuman torture of me feets’s. Bunsen: Busher! Busher: Bunsen, pass me one of the hospital hack saws! Bunsen: You want to take a prize souvenir? But he is not a lifeless corpse on a slab Busher. Busher: I know this one, he did me wrong. PASS ME THE SAW! Peah! Dick: Young Busher? Soft lad! Is that you? Why are you back here? I thought you escaped. ‘Ere, wh-what are you doing with the saw? Jeezus lad! NO! Concobhar: Hee-hee-hee, Bunsen: Yes, yes Busher, you. You are the one who has it in you. Finally, the new Cornelius! Clare: Mm! Mmmng! Dick: Aaargh ha ha! Goodbye Bibi Baskin, I would give anything to love you one last time in the shed…. Bunsen: Take the blade to his ankle, cut the flesh. Floyd: Er, look, look who just got free. Ace: (Whistle) Concobhar: Silas! Brudder! They’re all fuckin’ standing there untied and united. What we do Silas? Bunsen: Run. Busher: Peeagh, you’re not getting past me and this little saw. How about I take away YOUR toes! Ace: Go Morten Busher! The SUN ALWAYS SHINES ON TV! Floyd: Okay Wubba, you hit ‘em high and I’ll hit ‘em low. Wubba: I’ll give him a wight hook and he’ll be weeling around the floor cwyin’ faw his Mammy. Brian: Yeah & then you can tag me & I’ll drop a clothes line on him. Floyd: Hasn’t He-Man started or something? Brian: Floyd! Floyd! He-Man is in here! I AM HE-MAN! Sinead: We’re in here! We’re in here! Claire! Concobhar: No stop. Get your hands off us, we’re so sorry! Ah me bad head. We’ll let you go if you don’t hurt us. Please, sure yis’s, we have done nothing and anything wrong. Bunsen: And… so… it ends. Ace: Clare, get your sister outside, we’ll-ow! Ah! Ooh! Mmm! Sinead: Oh, hi Ace, thank god! What’s wrong? Ace: I stepped on a thumb tack. Brian: (Singing He-man tune) De-de-de-dee… I’ll take yis all! Floyd: Throw me some rope Ace dude, let’s tie up this Conkeybar. He’s a strong fucker. Dick: Thank Jaysus Busher I thought you were gonna chop me foot off. Busher: That’s not me anymore Dick, I’ve changed. Ace: Fuck this I’m putting me trainers back on. Wubba: Nnnagh, thawts Bunsen tied up good awnd tight. What now Fwoyd, how ah we gonna get out of heya? Busher: They have a digger outside outside, Bunsen was doin’ a bit of work. Bunsen: Hey! Busher! Busher! Y’d betray a dog Busher! Burney! Burney! I love you Burney! I only wanted your feet! It’s not a crime! I need yooooo!! Concobhar: Ah shuttup Silas, we’s done with it. CSI Ritchie’ll give us what fuckin’ for now hah? Floyd: Cool the keys are in it. Brian: Well seein’ as I’m the only one here with a license I’ll drive. Ace: Yeah as if the law is going to be interested in a license, when you’re driving a digger with eight people hanging out of it in the woods in the middle of the night. Brian: Fuck off Ace. At least I drove something in recent history. Floyd: He-hee! Yeah, like Sinead! All Ace has been doin’ is drivin’ the pillow looking at Lois Lane or something. Wubba: Go on Bubbles give her the holly. (Bubbles fires up the digger) Brian: Woo hoo! Ace: Yeah woo hoo, we’re goin’ 10 miles an hour. Oh well I suppose it’s still faster than Bubbles’s Vespa. Sinead: Boys, boys, boys I do believe the smell of testosterone has become more overpowering than the smell of Wubba’s feet. Dick: What shade of a gobshite put’s a furry dice on a JCB? Clare: Okay guys according to the GPS if we follow the road up here to the left it should bring us out on the N12 where the coach is. Brian: Aw, yeah! Me GPS! That GPS is fierce handy. It’s lucky I brought it. Ace: You’re a regular boy-scout man. Floyd: This is going to take forever. Is everyone OK back there? Hang on tight we don’t want to lose anyone. Clare: I’m freezing. Floyd: How about I warm you up Ice Queen? Clare: Just give me my glasses back. Wubba: Fwoyd your such a dawg! Clare: Don’t forget I’ve seen those feet of yours so if there was ever a chance before, there ain’t now. Floyd: Hey babe. I always leave my socks on anyway. Brian: Wooah, hang on we’re going down a bit of a hill guys. Wubba: Look there’s the woad! (Meanwhile on the road at the coach) Keith: This has truly been a Diem Horribilis. I fear I shall be kept awake for many years to come haunted by these events. Tash: We must never breathe a word, of what really happened, to anyone. Keith: I don’t believe it Norman. I see headlights coming towards us, it’s a, it’s a police car! We’re saved! Tash: Oh thank the lord. Garda: Is everything alright gentlemen? Can you tell me why you have your coach parked in the middle of the road? Garda Radio: (Roger that, Bunsen residence. CSI Ritchie is on the way up) Keith: Thank god it’s you officer. We were on a school trip & we broke down… Garda: One moment. Garda Radio: (Will it be A Double Bacon Cheese Burger with Fries Ritchie?) Garda: What’s that noise? Garda Radio: (Ritchie, come in Ritchie?) Tash: Lights Professor Keith, look! Coming from the trees. Keith: What is that? Garda Radio: (Answer the fuckin’ radio Ritchie you’re not in Bosnia now!) UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

George: With childish abandon and druggery, the trio spring to their feet and head forth. But to where? And how will they know when they get there? Ah, nevermind. You see dear listener it’s high time we dive in with both feet… Back! Back into Bunsenland; Ace: (Groggy). Bunsen: I’ll burst you Busher if you don’t shut up. This is my house. Now back to business… hello Bourney, sorry about that now, where was I… Ace: Eh, yeah, it’s it’s still Ace and maybe if you want to include me in your strategic staircase there, then we could help frame the conversation? Busher: Sh’up. You’re talkin’ shite! Bunsen: Bushooor! Rooooll the socks over the ankles… Ace: (struggling)… hey! Hey! Listen, listen, all I’m saying is that my door is in fact open to your issues. And you, Busher is it? Busher: Hah? Ace: Yeah, heh, strange question I know but, ooh that, that tickles! … what, eh, what happened to your feet? Busher: Stop lookin’ at me! Phwizzzz! Peyaaah! Maammy! Fuck this, I’m going to find Concobhar and Cornelius. (Busher and his stumps hobble out the door) Ace: Heh, soooo, guess somebody was ‘on the beer’ last night mmm? Tell me about him. Hard life? Wrong path? Bad choices? Go on, lash on the kettle and make that tea you wanted. Tell me about it… Bunsen: He was in an accident. Such pretty feet. Now, I take out the big toeoooo. Ace: Aah! Hang on man, go easy with the- Bunsen: Now I- Ace: It’s not a problem, it’s only a challenge. N-Not a problem, just a problem, challenge, a problem… challenge… Uh, uaaah! Bunsen: You won’t let me down Burney will you? Ace: Listen man, for, like, the millionth time, my name IS NOT BOURNEY! And I’m so not available for friendship right now. Bunsen: …I love yoooo, … take off your shoooooe…. Ace: Hey, I don’t action that, you can’t do that. Come on!  You’ve gone off the bandwidth completely! Listen, hey, hey, I can help you here. Bunsen: He takes the toe from out of the sock or else he gets the dose again… Ace: Stop it! Stoppit! That’s-like-seriously uncool! I’m never going to Facebook you dude, like, ever. Yunno. That’s a long time, yeah? Yeah? Y’understand me? Yeah. Bunsen: I loved HIM! He scorned ME! You won’t do that to me will ya? Ace: Help me Dawkins, help me! Ahhhhh! George: Suddenly! Being dragged in by their feet are; Ace: Oh thank god for- Sinead: Arggh! Stop it. Busher: Look what I found Bunsen. Ace: Aw crap. Sinead: Ace! Concobhar: Get in there yis scoundrels! Brian: (falls) mmmeh… Ace: Yeah, hi. How are you doing today? Brian: Mmnmuh… Bunsen: Busher! Busher! Tie them up together in the back room. Sinead: No, wait, wait, get your- stop it! Concobhar: She has the want in her this one! Just like you did Busher! Busher: Fuck off! C’mere you! Brian: (Inhaler falls across the floor) ah, ah, me asthma bottle, wait, don’t, can I just get that- Busher: Stop pushin’! (Sounds of Sinead and Bubbles being brought into the back and the door locked) Brian: Ace?! Ace: Well that just shifted the paradigm, so where are we at now? Hey my feet are kind of cold, could you put my socks back on? Busher: Right, there might be more out there, so I’ll go take a look. Bunsen: Take Concobhar with you. Busher: Ah, he wrecks my head! Bunsen: Just do it Busher! Concobhar, here! Here! Concobhar: Ah fuck it. They’re as lively as a roasted squirrel. Busher: Stop gropin’ at yourself and c’mon will ya! P-p-ppeah move! Concobhar: Ah, yep, right now. C’mon so. See yis later. Good luck now. Ah, ah, the bad head on me… aww curse a god on it… (Door opens and closes) Brian: (Breathing heavy) This is all your fault. Sinead: Excuse me? Brian: If you hadn’t gone online with your virginity! Sinead: What? Brian: Then I wouldn’t have seen it and wanted it! Sinead: Oh my god Bubbles… Brian: And then Ace wouldn’t have won it and then- Sinead: Stop it Bubbles. Brian: And then I wouldn’t have diddled you! Sinead: Bubbles! Brian: And then Ace wouldn’t have wanted to take you in the forest and… Sinead: Shut up! Brian: Did you like it? Sinead: Just shut up! Brian: Did ya? Did ya? Did ya fuck Tash too after? Sinead: I can’t believe- Brian: Did he find ‘penetration’ too? Sinead: SHUT UP BUBBLES! Brian: Now I’m going to die and it’s all your fault! (Starts to cry). Ace: Hey Bunsen. More people more problems. Let us all go. You’re getting cold feet! Yeah COLD FEET, like mine, heheheheh-AHHHH! Bunsen: I love your toes (cracks, sucks and licks). I’ll warm up your cold feet! Ace: Me feet! Bunsen: I love the taste as it hits my tongue, mmm… Ace: (panic) Aw… aw, not-a-problem-not-a-problem-nn-n-I’m going to spew… awwww. Bunsen: I could suck on them all day, mmm, perfect shape… clean and cut… mmm. Aaaammm… smooth talons… Are you warm yet? Ace: (high pitch) aaaa, uuhhh, in… his… mouth… Uuurhg… Bunsen: Warmer? Warmer? Mmm… Mmm… The big one is so sweet Bourney… Yyou must be hot now… so hot… I love you Bourney. Ace: Fuuuuuckckk…                     Bunsen: Oh Bourney, mlam, Busher, mmm, Bourney. Love your toes Bourney. Ahlam, lam! George: Feet Feet Feet Feet Feet FEET! How many foot is that? I’ve got a two foot cock, what do you think about that? MM? Oh, let’s see what Clare, Floyd and Wubba are doing… Clare: Keep up you two, we can’t afford to stop. Okay, the GPS shows that, here’s something just down this valley. Floyd: Be careful there Ranchero, it’s a bit dark under this heavy canopy. Wubba: I thwink I have a she-mickey. Floyd: Dude? Wubba: Yeah, yunno, the little swimmas that cause the bitches. Floyd: Like, ‘love juice’, you mean? Wubba: Spot on boss. Floyd: Eh, you can cause both sexes my man. It’s a 50-50 thing. Wubba: No, mostly cause the bitches. All my family except for the men, are women. I’m the only lad since my father to be born without a flanger. And my Daddy had to take pills as the five ones he fathered before me, came out smooth. Floyd: You’ve five sisters? All with the same lips? Wubba: Yeah, they’re all related to Pam looka! Ha ha ha ha! Floyd: High five you sick amigo heh heh heh. Wubba: ‘Ere tell me Fwoyd, would ya do ‘er? Huh huh? Tell me. Floyd: Who, Clare? Wubba: Would ya do ‘er? Yeah, yeah? Would ya, would ya? Floyd: I tell ya, enough trouble so far with that family. Wubba: I heard about the wucus alwight, what was it? Floyd: You know all about it? Wubba: I hear about it. I dunno what to thwink about it tho’, wha do you thwink about it Fwoyd? Floyd: Well, her sister Sinead auctioned her virginity online, and we, like Ace, me and Finny from the bar bought it, and gave her to Bubbles to get his first ridin’ medals. Very altruistic. Wubba: I heard Sinead makes a noise like she’s biting her fist when she comes. Floyd: Woah, really? Wubba: Yeah, did Bubbles tell you that? Floyd: Eh… Wubba: Didn’t she make that noise with him? Floyd: Eh, he, he may have been ‘interrupted’. Wubba: ‘Intewupted’? What happened boss? (Clare screams) Floyd: Clare! Wubba: She probably fell, she’s alright. Why d’j’thwink he was intewupted boss? Floyd: Clare! Are, are you ok? Busher: USER! PHWIZZZ! PEAH! Floyd: Woah! A scarecrow! Busher: C’mere you! Wubba: Is he standin’ in a hole? Floyd: It’s Wurzel Gummidge! Busher: Stop-stoppit! Clare: Get off me! Concobhar: Akkshshskh, I’d advise yis not to run, I’ll fuckin’ only fuckin’ have to chase yis. Busher: PEAH! MOVE! Floyd: Yeah, sure, sure! Just don’t hurt the lady there banana fingers, you gonna make sandwiches? I’m starving! Wubba: I’d take a bit o’ tea and twoast too boss if it’s on offa? Busher: Concobhar! Put the bags over their heads! Peah! PEAH! Stoppit, STOPPIT! Concobhar: Ahhkkkhkhh, lights out! Lights out! Akgkgkhkkgkkkkhhh! (Floyd, Clare, Wubba muffled under sack cloth) Concobhar: Haha fuckin’ see nothin’, I’ll fuckin’ ate your feet now. George: Concobhar Bunsen bags himself another six feet as he and Busher haul their three hooded victims to the king of the feet-seekers back at Bunsen residence… UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

George: Good Lord. This has the makings of a macabre melee as Cornelius Bunsen lets fly his rotten feet in anger. With Clare, Wubba and Floyd in the closet, and Dick out the window, it’s now up to Sinead and Bubbles to come out and find their feet! Sinead: Do you hear it Bubbles? Brian: Hah? I hear nothin’ ‘cept me lungs. (Farts), and that. Sorry. Sinead: Hold it in will ya? Brian: Heheh, better in than out. What am I going to eat here? And where’s Ace anyway? Sinead: Eh, actually, I don’t know. Brian: Wha? I thought youse toe went out to be… be… Sinead: Be what? Ace was- Brian: Ah fuck yeah! That’s where it was, I was looking for that all evening! Sinead: Bubbles I’m trying to tell y- what ARE you doing? Brian: Me GPS! I was searchin’ in me big bag for it, couldn’t find it and it was in me Hunter sweatshirt secret pocket all along. Sinead: Secret pocket yeh? WOWEE! Can we focus on the, eh, strange sounds and why Ace isn’t here? Brian: But we can find out where we are, which is more important! Sinead: I know where I am Bubbles. I’m fucking lost. Brian: Shh. I’ll find out where we really are and I’ll find a way out of this forest. GPS: (Activation sound). Welcome He-Man. Where do you want right now? Sinead: What the f- GPS: There is a licensed vendor of Chocolate Chuzzler Bars 5.7 kilometres from your current location. You usually go there each day at 6pm and you have not done so today. Directions are north 3 km, north west .8 km, then east 1.9 km. Brian: Hihihihih. Yeah. Sinead: Chuzzlers Bars ay? I predict a diet… Brian: What you say? Sinead: Nothing. What does your, your thing find, where are we? Brian: Did you call me fat? Sinead: Bubbles, are we going to stand here all night? Or are we- Brian: Nobody calls me fat. Sinead: I never said you were fat. Brian: I’m not fuckin’ fat RIGHT? (Bird bleats) Sinead: Listen, I never said you were fat Bubbles, Brian: Well you’ve no arse anyway. Sinead: Excuse me? Brian: Yeah. Sinead: What? Like, did I lose it or something? Brian: Must of fell off when I rode it off yeh anyway! Sinead: You fat fucker! Brian: See! See! Fuck you! I’m a size TEN anyway. Sinead: Last time you were a ten is when you were fucking ten! Brian: Mnn Mnn, well, well, I’ve seen more meat on your tampon! Sinead: Urgh! You are a sick little gobshite! Brian: Ah, I’m goin’ for a gocky! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm. (Sound of thrashing in the undergrowth) Sinead: Bubbles! Did you hear that? Brian: All I hear is a stupid bit- GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm. Sinead: Turn that off Bubbles, seriously, I heard something. Brian: Sure you did, feel sorry now dontcha, want to play the weak witch. (Thrashing of bushes and a call of the wild echoing across the forest) Brian: Jesis. You were right. Eh-eh hello? Who’s there? Sinead: Bubbles there! There, there, behind that bush, oh my god…. Brian: ‘Scuse me, eh, em, is there someone there? You need to help us. Our, our coach broke down… Concobhar: (Distant) Ah fuck yis, can’t have a fuckin’ shite in peace… (Suddenly the figure runs away crashing through the undergrowth, Sinead screams) Brian: C’mon! Sinead: What are you doing Bubbles? Brian: We gotta follow him, he may know the way out of this forest. (Sneezes, gasp) He’s not going very fast. He’s running awkward like. Aw, I hope I still have my asthma bottle with me or I may die and you’ll have to bury me here. Sinead: Maybe that’s the guy who took Ace. Brian: Ah yeah, forgot about him. Sinead: Oh my god poor Ace, I hope he’s okay. What possible reason would some guy have to hit him over the head & drag him off- Brian: Ace got hit over the head? I dunno. Have you ever see Deliverance? Sinead: My god, Ace said that earlier, and, my god again, I taunted him, maybe there’s more of them, maybe we’re following them straight into a trap. Bubbles? Bubbles?! Brian: Sorry I just felt extra sweaty down my left leg… C’mon! (Sound of running into distance) GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm. Brian: (Distant) (Sneezes) Floyd: Uh-oh… Sounds like it’s getting freaky-do-serious. As much as I’d love to nestle up to your warmly bits Clare, we need to get out of here. Clare: Duu-uuh. Wubba: Gimme your earwings Cwaire! Clare: Get off me O’Toole! You smell. Wubba: Have you a pwoblem wit yo nose? Always smellin’ stuff! Like a dog! Keith: I’m sorry Norman. I have to. Tash: Mnnnnn. I cannot look. Cornelius Bunsen: I need you to take them off him. Tash: AAAAGH. Keith: Awww, the sock is full of blood. Tash: Ahhhhhh, yyhisssss, Jesus wept. Cornelius Bunsen: (excited) Now do it! Take it off! Wubba: The earwings Cwaire! The earwings! Clare: No! Wubba: I saw it on McGuywer. I can pick a lock. Floyd: The earwings? Ah earrings! Eh the earwing- the earrings are too small Wubba. Wubba: Then her belt, I’ll use d’hook. Clare: You are a dirty bastard. Wubba: It wowks! I sweawa! Take it off now! Cornelius Bunsen: Take it off now! Keith: The sock? Why? Are you completely insane? Cornelius Bunsen: Take it off! Tash: Oh for the love of all that is good in this world… Cornelius Bunsen: Rub it. I want to see you rub it. Now! Hard. Keith: Sorry Norman. Tash: Argghghgh! Huah! Huah! Argghgh! Keith: Uh god, mnnnn, mnnnn. Cornelius Bunsen: Harder. Yes! Harder! Clare: Okay, here, you’re like a nervous child. Floyd: O’Toole always looks like that, like an excitable new family dog or something. That right Wubba? Wubba: If I take the bwuckle ova the belt, I can use the- Clare: Hey! Careful with that belt! I bought that at Funderland. Floyd: Babe, you’re so dated, I love it. Wubba: Remove d’hook. Bend it a bit. Then slide her in the hole, tweak it, tweak it, keep it steady. Come on ya bitch. Come on. Clare: MacGyver never said the word ‘bitch’. Wubba: Come on, MacGuyver, ya fuckin’ cunt. Ya wubbery bwastud… Awkwad wubbery hooa. Floyd: Hey, your hair smells like Rancheros. Clare: What? What the fuck are Rancheros? Wubba: Stop the jwigglin’, I nearly dwapped it. One more second, one more second. Floyd: Kinda like what your hair smells like. Nice I mean, Rancheros, yeah, huhuh, I got the munchies so bad. Wubba: Aw me toe! I’m stawvin’. Clare: What are Rancheros! Tell me! (Click of Wardrobe opening) Floyd: Yeah! Go Wubba! Wubba: I am the lock pickin’ wawdwobe mastah. Kiss my feet! Cornelius Bunsen: Kiss his feet! Floyd: Woah. Stereo, Clare: What are they doing? Wubba: Best be ignorant and get lost. Clare: I can’t leave Daddy! Floyd: You will when your 18 and up the duff, c’mon! We need to get the munchies, I mean, get help! Clare: I-I-I… Wubba: Lwet the men make the dewisions baby, get the skates on!       Keith: You are a sick man. A sick depraved man. Floyd: GO! Tash: Just do it Chisel! Cornelius Bunsen: Do it! (Sound of the three exiting the shack with Keith crying upstairs and Tash nervously in pain yet aroused) Keith: Nyaah! No! You have forsaken me! George: Keith and Tash make sweet toe jam together as Cornelius puts his feet up and watches in cadaverous wonderment. To the backwoods now, where the wild things are. (Dick running fast) Dick: Nnnn! Nnnn, Nnnn! By Pat Kenny’s smooth acre! I’d never thought I’d see the day. The Bunsens! Nnnnn. Couldn’t handle it Dick, had to run away. Leave ‘em all behind. Where’s the neck now Soup, where’s the neck now?! Stand in line. Say your prayers, kneel at the Bishop’s socks. Say nathin’, close your eyes! Leave it all behind! His hand on me arm. No! Run away! Get away! Daddy! No one can save me, and you taken away by Duggan’s bog. I have the want in me. I need it. I need the… eh?  Hang on, what’s this now? GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: Demon! Get back! I’ll burst ya! I’ve done more for less! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: By the cross of the lord, take thy foul stench of devilry away! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: The forest… Talks to me... Pay attention Dick! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: It’s in a foreign language. Wait, looka. It’s in a box! Plastic! With a back-lit liquid crystal display. Don’t touch it Dick, it could be a trap! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: You make no sense! Shut up! Have t’piss on ya. You asked for it tho’. Speakin’ shite. Too much Tuborg today. (Zip, piss) Dick: There y’are, (Squeaker fart) that shook ya! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: It’s immune! No effect. I can’t take it. Voices. Stoppit. I craaaave her bosom. I need a drink, fuck them all! I know Morgan’s is closed but the Corner House’ll be open. See Mick the Bruiser. I have to. I’m sorry. Killmacow up the road. I, I, I, have the WANT IN ME!!!! AHHHHHHH! (Runs off into the distance crying and roaring) GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

George: Ace, full of that loveable self-importance, leaves the destroyed Tash and Floyd’s hash, and heads feet first in search of a ‘chipperses’! Professor Keith’s youngest daughter and sophomore, Sinead, springs to her feet to follow him. Ace: So… Sinead, were you totally looking for your family to disown you? Or do you enjoy sadistically torturing the Professor. Now, first we had the whole auction episode now humiliation in front of his students. Jeez, I nearly feel sorry for him. Sinead:Riiight, well, the auction was kind of silly I admit. But, uh, you don’t know the pressures girls my age have from their peers Ace. I didn’t want to be the last girl to have sex! Ace: Shyeah! But selling it for a nice juicy wad of Euros that’s a totally different story! Sinead: OK, um, maybe the real reason was to get at my Da. Ace: That I can understand, I can only imagine how tough it is to live under his regime. Then again behind closed doors maybe he’s just a big old cuddly teddy bear. Sinead: Yeah, and maybe I’m only bullshitting you coz that’s what guys like you want to hear, the vulnerable teenager story of peer pressure and daddy pain. Ace: What? I- Sinead: Makes you feel dominant, yeah, oh Dad, you don’t tuck me in anymore, no no, get out of my ass you big back door daddy! Ace: Oh-my-god. Sinead: Listen Ace, the ‘Professor’ is a good father, he only wants what’s best for us. Unfortunately he is overprotective and sometimes I find I can’t breathe. Don’t we all. Deal with it. Ace: I, eh. Wow. Em. That was unexpected. And strangely exciting. I’m, eh, eh, so… you just wanted to show him you’re a... Still, that was a totally insane stunt. Cough! Did you even fancy Bubbles? Sinead: Bubbles is kinda cute in his own way. Although the whole Candy Girl thing was weird on so many different levels. Ace: Ha ha, yeah, funny in the whole use of a cheesy old pop record in an inappropriate situation kinda way. Personally I’d like to use Glen Medeiros’s “Nothings Gonna Change My Love for You” as the soundtrack to my virginity loss. Sinead: You…you’re a Virgin? Ace: No, no, no. I mean to say I would like to have used it. When it happened…ages ago… Sinead: Oh yeah? Tell me about your first time. Ace: Hey, did you hear that? Something rustling in the trees. Floyd! Did you follow us? I knew you couldn’t resist an adventure man! Floyd?! (Silence) Sinead: Ah sweet. Floyd wants to protect me too. Ace: Eh, kaay, there’s nobody there, probably a deer or something. Sinead: So Yogi, y’think we have far to walk? Ace: C’mon, we’re not exactly in the wilds here, we can’t be more than 10 minutes away from the village. C’mon, follow me Boo Boo. George: Back in the shack and with Tash nursing a mangled ankle, Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury is in no mood to let the grass grow under his feet. Tash: Oooh, oooh, does anyone have painkillers around their person? Keith: Come now Mr Tash grit your teeth and bear up. Show the pupils the fortitude of their tutor. Tash: Listen, it’s not the pain that bothers me Professor, I find it quite exhilarating actually, but I do not wish to be exhilarated in front of the pupils. Floyd: Tash is one kinky SOB eh, Bubbles? Brian: I’m worried about Ace and Sinead. Floyd: I know what you’re worried about, Ace getting himself a free ride… Brian: Whatcha mean a free ride? I have to follow them. Floyd: Ok dude, but it is cold n’ wet out there, at least it’s dry in here. Why don’t you stick around? I’m gonna roll us a fat one. Now a couple of licks, followed by the two fingered shuffle, wh-where’s the roach? Where’s the roach? Brian: Wow Floyd you make that look so easy. Floyd: Years of practice and voila a super dupey doobie! Wubba: How’w’yis doin’ lwads? Floyd: Hey O’Toole. Is it a coincidence you have joined us here or are you hoping for some free weed? Wubba: Thwanks mate, is this cwazy stuff? I love it, I do it all the time. (Inhales) Floyd: Mmm the way your lips flop n’ dangle so I shall dub thee ‘Wubba lips’. Have a toke Wubba. Wubba: Fair pway to ya boss. Brian: You & Wubba here get wasted, I’m cowboying up & going to find Sinead. Wubba: Fair pway to ya boss. (fart) Mowan… Brian: What you say? Wubba: Whah? Floyd: Good luck man, see ya later! Hey Mr Tash, pull up yer leg n’ tell us more about them Neon-lithic tombs. Tash: Oh well, they date back over 5,000 years. They pre-date Stonehenge & the Pyramids you know. Floyd: Before the ‘henge? Wow, this is like spiritual. Keith: Is Bubbles following the others? Floyd: Yeah he figures they could do with his manly protection. Heh, ooh, (sneezes) excuse me. Ah, it’s getting cold in here. Uah, muh. Dick: Well, gather around the fire I’ve made for yis here, Bubbles may not have been so quick to wonder out in to the dark woods if he had heard some of my horrible stories of those accursed BUNSENS! Wubba: Whah? Aw, bwursta on boss. Tash: My left foot I fear may have to be amputated. Dick: There was a boy that went missing, then he reappeared. Busher was his name. When they found him, his feet had been abused for months… Floyd: (Inhales) George: Dick begins to spin a yarn. Ace and Sinead walk their feet off on way to Killmacow down in Dangly Bell. Sinead: You said ten minutes. Ace: Chillax my pigeon sense is telling me there’s not too far to go. (Sound of a tree whack in the distance and a curse) Sinead: Oh my god what was that? Ace: F-Floyd? Sinead: That was no deer. Ace: OK you stay here I’m gonna take a look, plus I need a whizz. I drank too much Dr Pepper on the bus. Sinead: Be careful… I mean don’t get yourself killed idiot, I don’t have a pigeon sense. Pigeon sense? What am I saying… Ace: It’s kinda like a Spider-sense but it’s what a pigeon might have. Sinead: Like pigeon-man has? Ace: Ugnh yeah, anybody there? Hey Pigeon-man, that’s not a bad idea, I might pitch that too…AAAAAAGH! (Bash over the head) Sinead: ACE! Ohmigod ohmigod. Ace! Ace! Ah! Don’t panic! Bashed over the head and dragged off into the woods! Don’t panic Sinead… you will be fine. But he won’t! ACE!!!! George: Bashed over the head? Good gubbins! Foul shenanigans are at foot! What shall come of Ace and his pigeon sense now? Back to Dick telling a tale about a boy named Busher… Dick: Are yis all sitting comfortably? Then Dick shall begin. Floyd? O’Toole? Yis wanna listen? Floyd: They got this cool late night music show, and I try to tune it in on the TV in my bedroom, but it’s like I’m watching it in a haze, heheh, and I swear, it’s not just the shit! Wubba: The signal is weak. You haveta get a boosta. Floyd: A boosta? Wubba: Yeah the electwical current amplifies the wadio signal and you get a cleawa picture. Floyd: A boosta? Like a boosta bar? Remember those chocolate bars? Hee hee hee! Wubba: Yeah a boosta baw. Hee hee hee! Or a boosta wocket! Or a boosta injection! Haa ha haa! Boosta! (farts). Haw haw, stoppa! Floyd: Ha ha ha ha! Put a boosta on it! Haw ha ha! Roosta Boosta! Ma –haw Wubba: Stoppa! Dick: Meh. Their loss. Anyway, years ago this forest was home to a notorious family in these parts. The Bunsens… Cornelius, Concobhar & Silas Bunsen. Bachelors all. Living alone and in seclusion, they rarely entertained visitors. They would spread cream crackers ahind the doorway so they would be awoken by a crunch in the night if any intruders had crossed their threshold. Concobahr fond of his shovel, Cornelius; his great grandfather’s piano yet Silas Bunsen would only head into Killmacow to one of the local pubs to take a drink. But he kept mostly to himself. It was clear to everyone he was fightin’ the demons. Unfortunately the reason for the Bunsen name entering infamy was that the teenage boys of Killmacow had begun to mysteriously… disappear! Floyd: Sorry Dick dude, this story is, like, really intense. Can you rewind a bit to the beginning maybe? Just, yeah, who’s this ‘Busher’ guy? UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.

George - Hello! Do sit. Take the weight of your meat. Glad you could join me once again for another wonderful useless story. Welcome to U.C.L.S. Toe! Well, we had better get our feet wet hadn’t we? We join our story deep within the shrubbery of Ballygannorn Woods, and two lost souls in a very old abode… Bunsen: Now I take out the big toeoooo. Ace: Ah! Hang on man! Go easy with the- Bunsen: Now I- Ace: It’s not a problem, it’s only a challenge. N-Not a problem, just a problem… challenge… problem, challenge… Huuagh… Bunsen: You won’t let me down Bourney will you? Ace: Listen man, for, like, the millionth time, my name IS NOT BOURNEY! And I’m so not available for friendship right now. Bunsen: …I love yoooo, … take off your shoeoooo…. Ace: Hey, I don’t action that, you can’t do that. Come on!  You’ve gone off the bandwidth completely! Listen, hey, hey, I can help you here. Bunsen: He takes the toe from out of the sock or else he gets the dose again… Ace: Stop it! Stoppit! That’s-like-seriously uncool. I’m never going to Facebook you dude, like, ever. Yunno. That’s a long time yeah? Yeah? Y’understand me? Yeah. Bunsen: I loved HIM! He scorned ME! You won’t do that to me, will ya? Ace: Help me Dawkins, help me! Ahhhhh! George: Now then, what make you of that mmm? Someone’s playing sillybuggers and it doesn’t sound too good for our incapacitated friend hah? We need to go to the beginnings of the day at University College Loughfeg State, where Janitor Richard Soupe is rushed off his feet fixing the bus. Dick: (Grabs spanner) Gyaagh! Tash: Ho-ho, good evening Dick, I trust you are feeling fit and able, it is quite a drive to Slough Feg. Dick: Gyah! Get away from me ya scruffy flea infester-ed moggie! Tash: Ooh, look, a little cute fuss fuss. Dick: Shyeah, that’s my mate Spike’s stinkin’ cat followin’ me everywhere looking for food. Da lane ya hoor ya!! Tash: Mmmm an animal lover too Soup, I see. I shall leave you too it. Dick: I’ll just top her up with oil and water and we’ll be ready to… Hit the road Tash! Dontcha cum back no more, no more, no mo-ar! Hehmeheheheh, ya bulb-headed pervert… (Opening Credits) Voice: A&M Presents, A&M presents, A&M Presents, A&M Presents… Dick: Hah? Voice: U… C… L… S… Toe… Dick: Toe? Voice: Starring… Ace… Ace: Look! Look! Look, look… Clare: Floyd… Floyd: Excuse me? Sinead: Bubbles! Bubbles: Where are we? Keith: Professor Keith. Come on amoeba! Mr. Tash. Tash: Cretinous fool! Mr. Dick Soupe. Dick: Hah? I can’t find it! Ace: Wubba. Wubba: This is mad, any mushrooms? Silas: Busher! Busher: Nobody knows the real Busher. Silas: Silas Bunsen. I loved him! Concobhar: Concobhar Bunsen. Aw suck the bunion… Cornelius: Cornelius Bunsen, Dick: Toe! Floyd: Clare? Clare: nobody talk to me okay? Dick: Toe! Bubbles: Sinead! Sinead: Yeah? Dick: Toe! Are yis all sitting comfortably? Busher: Peah! Dick: Toe! Then Dick shall begin… Keith: What are you saying? Dick: Uh-oh! Voice: Useless! Dick: Hah? George: Dick and foot on the pedal, the academic excursionists, chaperoned by Professor Keith and Mr. Norman Tash, speed on to a delightful summer solstice rendezvous! With the Neon-Lithium tombs at Slough Feg. Second years; Accursis Byrne , Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury and Floyd Frisbane are footloose and fancy free. (Foreigner – ‘Jukebox Hero’ plays on bus) Ace: Hey that’s such a good tune man, who is it? Floyd: Yeah its mint alright, these guys rock a lot. Brian: A‘course they do Floyd they have to fit in with your macho man image hihihih! Floyd: Hey you’re the macho man givin’ that Sinead girl a good seeing to. Gave her the futcha-futcha-futcha didn’t ya? Ace: Keep it down Floyd, her oul lad’s on the bus, not to mention herself. Brian: I don’t want to talk about it Floyd. I just want to forget that whole sorry episode. Floyd: Ah ya big sloppy kisser. Bet you don’t. Bet you beat the bishop every night thinking about her sweet tender lu-u-uve. Ace: Jay-Zee. Floyd: Tight hairstyle Ace. Didn’t know you were a fan of Alphabeat. Ace: FASCINATION! FASCINATION! FASCINATION! Dick: Gyah! Keith: Can we keep the noise down lest we forget we are on a school excursion not some social bonding experiment. You should be mentally preparing yourself for the privilege of seeing the historic Neolithic Tombs of Slough-Feg. At sunset the illumination of its passage by the winter solstice sun is a joy to behold. A narrow beam of light will penetrate an opening just above the entrance, known as the roof-box, and then reach the floor of the chamber. This will gradually extend to the rear of the passage. Then night takes over. Oooh. (Dick slams the brakes of the bus). Keith: Arrgh!! Ace: Looka, Mr. Keith nearly fell into Jennifer’s tits. Keith: Dick! Must you brake so hard? Dick: Sorry Professor, the brakes’s very tight. Keith: Apply the pressure gently Dick, then it’ll slow down… not crush us into window pizza. Ace: Wow Professor! Like, we’re on the bus, yet your STILL teaching us about the basic laws of physics. You are a legend. Brian: He looks like Art Garfunkel. Floyd/Brian: “Bright eyes! Buuurnin’ like Fiyooor”… Keith: Keep flapping your jaws Ace. I will inform you when you have finally said something remotely funny…. What IS that smell? Dick: Eh I think this old lady be burning a bit of oil. STINKIN’ BITCH! Ace: For the love of James Tiberius Kirk open a window!! Brian: (Vomits) Ace: Ah here! Get off me ya spazbag! Dick: I’ve seen worse. Tash: Keep your eye on the road Mr Soup! Brian: Uuugh, sorry Ace, I think I’ve travel sickness. Clare: Dad, Dad! Stop the bus, the smell… I’m going to be sick too. Sinead: Like every morning. Clare: Shuttup you slut. Sinead: That’s what he told you last night and stop wearing those stupid glasses, you look ridiculous… Ace: I gotta clean my trainers! Tash: Now, now, settle down everyone! I’ve opened the window to alleviate the smell… Floyd: Jes-us. Brian: (Wheezes) Keith:  What are you saying? Tash: Oh dear God, the boy’s having an asthma attack! Dick: Jesus lads, it was only a little fart. Keith:  Ah, he can suffocate after the way he humiliated my daughter. Dick: Eh, help the poor little fart, here I’ll gets him a paper bag. Somewhere here, I know Spike takes a packed lunch… I can’t open the glove compartment! Brian: Sorry! Floyd: Aceman, check his jacket for his asthma bottle. Ace: You mean his inhaler. No, nothing, try his bag. Floyd: His bag is huge, dude! I’ll need a torch and, and a map! Dick: I can’t find it, I CAN’T FIND IT! C’mere ya black basket! Tash: Mr Soup! Brian: Urk urgh urrgh…. Floyd: This’ll take me hours, he could be dead by then, try his trouser pockets. Ace: Eeeeyooooo!! Floyd: What the hell’s wrong with you man? Ace: He really does like this bouncy bus. Oh thank god it’s his phone. Phee-yoo. Brian: (Going blue) Jennifer: Here, youse clowns, use mine. Floyd: Oh yeah forgot about you. Brian: Phissh Phissh eeeeh (inhales). Ace: Thanks Genita-Jen-Jennifer if you gave up the smokes you might not need this as much. Tash: What? Sinead: Jerk. Jennifer: You’re so dead Acursius. Brian: (Catches breath) Ace: I rock. George: The battered old twenty four foot minibus creaked and cranked its way through the precarious ridges of the Aughavalley Pass.  Dick: Cursa-duggan’s-bog on ya! Keith: What’s going on? Dick: Well Jesus now, bollix! I thought I filled her up, we can’t be outta juice! Ace: Would it help if Floyd got out and pushed? Floyd: ‘Scuse me? Brian: Where are we? Floyd: Downtown middle of nowhere dude. Greeeat. Dick: There’s fierce smoke coming from the engine… Keith: (sighs) Let’s investigate it then. Tash: Mr. Keith, this could be a problem, the area we are passing through is quite remote. Keith: Is that right Mr Tash? I would never have known. Sinead: Dad you know nothing about engines. Floyd: Like you sweet tits, I reckon it’s shagged. Sinead: Fuck you Floyd. Floyd: Sure! I go easy. Clare: What is that smell? Dick: Mneh, right, let’s have a look under here. Now, ‘snot looking too good it is. Ah shite! Tash: What is it Dick? Dick: I think I split me keks when I bent over there. Anyway, you might want ta make a few calls see if we can get us all back. Keith: Mmm, I don’t seem to have any coverage on my mobile. Guys can any of you make calls?! Captain Janeway: Status? All: Nooooo!! Brian: Hang on a second, I have a-cough, cough, cough… Wubba: Shwatup mowan! Ace: From the get-go, this was pre-planned very well. Floyd: We’re like, stranded in the Bermuda triangle or something dudes. Keith: For the love of science Dick, how could this happen! Dick: Dunno Professor, I got the bus off a very good friend of mine; Spike, n’ he told me this baby was in the best of nick. There’s an awful stink coming off her tho’. Ah that’s it… it looks like the big end has gone! This lump of junk isn’t going any further tonight. Hold on! What’s that under the engine? Strike alight it’s Spike’s damn cat! He must go asleep under the engine, well he’s made a right mess now. Stink of burnin’ fur! Ace: Oh Jay-zee, I’m going to hurl. Tash: Oh my God, that poor fuss fuss. Dick: We’ll have to hold fire, try and flag down the next thing that passes. Unfortunately for us it’s quare’n’late n’we’re halfway up the Aughavalley pass and I haven’t seen a thing on this road since we got on it! Floyd: I say we go explore! There’s bound to be someone living around here somewhere. And it’s going to be getting dark soon too. Ace: There goes the Neolithic sunset Mr Keith. Bummer! Keith: No, no, we stay here with the bus. Sinead: C’mon Dad where’s your sense of adventure! Clare: Don’t be so stupid Sinead, haven’t you seen the Blair Witch Project? Keith: I lost my sense of adventure along with having any semblance of my own life after you two came along. Dick: There is a Village tho’. I’d say from here it’s a couple of miles due east. But we’d have to trek through that aul’ forest over there. Ace: No way man, Deliverance freaked me out. Wubba: It’s dwa willage ow dw’dwammned. Sinead: You’re not gonna meet anything scarier in those woods than yourself Ace. You should take some time outta your bedroom from watchin’ weirdo movies. Brian: Yeah. Keith: We’ll stay here. Perhaps I can lecture you on the Neolithic tombs while we’re waiting and help pass the time. Floyd: I say we take a vote, majority rules. Keith: We are on an official school excursion here. That means I am the person in authority here and am telling you all we’re staying put! Sinead/Clare: Daaaad! Keith: Richard Dawkins give me strength! Right, so we vote then… Floyd: Woaho! Okay then. Brian: (Searching in his voluminous bag) it’s in here somewhere… Ace: Seriously Bubbles. Do you need all that crap? This is only a night-time day trip… Keith: All in favour of the totally insane option of wandering into the woods in the middle of the night; raise your hands? Brian: Hihihiheee. Floyd: That settles it to the woods we go! Dick: I’ll grab some torches and stuff. Floyd: Got any Rizlas in there? Dick: Ok, you don’t wanna look in there… Keith: Remind me to commit myself to an asylum on our return to civilisation. Floyd: Hey guys this isn’t so bad, I can spark one up on the way through. Brian: How far up in the hills are we? The air seems very thin. (Wheeze). Tash: We are in fact two metres below sea level because it is a valley you wheezing bagpuss! Brian: Wheeze! Tash: A valleeee Brian, a valleeee! Brian: Whatcha sayin’? Tash: GLACIATION! (Echoes around the valley) Norman Tash’s indignant bellow rebounds throughout the Aughavalley Pass, making its way up the nether reaches of the Ballygannorn Woods… UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.