Animorphing Time

New type of girl dropped—the dolphin girl. Author, podcaster, and traumatized person Erin Moynihan (@erbearmoynihan) joins the Morphy Boys to talk about the starfish. One of the most reviled books. It’s very horny. Nate is not a teenage girl nor is he horny. Does anyone remember Coneheads?  We give unadulterated and unfiltered opinions. Nate LIKES this book. Nate gets Tyler’s ass and makes him tell a story from Tyler Trauma Zone (TTZ). How many subways is a pre-k kid? Nate can’t stop commenting on people’s bodies. Erin has glasses so we know she’s a smart blonde girl. The Morphy Boys and Erin then discuss how the interests of girls and women are a shorthand for weakness and how that’s bad. Nate and Tyler arm wrestle to establish dominance and Tyler goes Over the Top. It’s a draw. The boys try to appeal to conservatives. Rachel beats a guy to death with her arm. Marco is a disgusting dweeb. We talk about how men can use friendships with women for sex and how that is also bad. The book gets into whipping and weirdness. It’s good and bad. Visser 3’s trap is ridiculous and perfect. Visser 3 is against self harm. It’s good!

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Tyler starts this episode chugging a box of cold soup, disappointing our wonderful guest Ben Saint (@ItsAllSoUgly) from the Pro Crastinators Podcast. There’s discussion of The Lying Kid. This is not the book to like Jake. He sucks. Who is your Beast War of choice? Just kill your dad! Or brother! Who care! As a podcast that doesn’t give a chuff about plot holes, this book was so egregious that we had to address it. It’s stupid! Jake’s having some sadboy moments after his great grandfather dies. We redefine peregrine falcon mating. Ben shares Andalite Truth with Nate. If you want to get out of a day, just hide in your dads pants. But that won’t save you from your vice principal doing a drive by shooting.  The Animorphs do the stupidest torture ever. The book itself falls apart and Jake proves—once again—that he is unfit to lead. We laugh at it. Please clap.

Watch the Animorphs 101 lecture here: https://youtu.be/6zrE6m3xOoE

The Morphy Boys are in rare form for this one. Recording in the middle of the night and drunk as hell. Dr Samantha (@samanthorium) joins/tolerates them to talk about book 30 and cockroaches. Nate does his best to keep Tyler on track. We dive deep into a humorless and manic Marco. We talk about skipping school. Y’all ever skip school to play Dance Dance Revolution? Dr Samantha is better at measurement than all of us and owns us when we call Shaq a unit of measurement. A new take on Robert Frost emerges. We don’t trust people who think they’re winners. We have a responsibility to explain what a cranny is. No nooks. Sting and The Edge are the same person. Tyler tells an atrocious cockroach story. Marco goes all manic and manipulated the group. It’s all pretty good. Or is it. That’s the Animorphs ghostwriter dilemma. The back half of this episode is deep dive into what makes Marco the Marco he is. Please enjoy.

It’s a megamorphs, baby. K and Warren from Tone Deaf (@ToneDeafMusical) join the Morphy Boys to discuss the most deranged book yet. From smooth brain to goo brain, we get wild with it. It starts with some wild slave stuff. Eeeeeeeek. Jigsaw Joe Biden makes an appearance. Hon hon hon! Then we get… FRENCH! The Animorphs are on a time hopping journey chasing down an inept yeerk named visser 4. Then they get to meet National Daddy (a real thing from the book). Jake gets domed. End of series.

Okay maybe not. But it was nice seeing Jake die. Nate tells us about Special Time. The Animorphs run afoul some seamen (lol). Rachel gets blasted. Everyone goes nuts. Then they go to Princeton. There’s some talk of race. It’s frank, it’s real, it’s sensitive, and it’s funny. We did it, y’all. We fixed racism.

Then after that we discuss the fine line between fiction and propaganda. Aaaaand this book is kinda propaganda for war. Then it’s time to kill Hitler.

Family Guy updaaaaaate! Morphy Boys review mainstream comedy. First time returning guest Travis (@wlkngcntradctn) (because no one wants to come back, we don’t know why because we are very nice boys) joins us to talk about book 29, The Sickness. Travis knows who’s going to hell. This is the first episode with NO JOKES. It’s all serious here, folks. Two white men can perfectly explain teen girl love. Tyler won’t talk about his middle school crush. Nate gives us a brain hack! Nate admits to a secret pleasure. Tyler then reveals how cruel and unrelenting middle school boys are to their genitals. The fellas then talk about middle school love follies. Ax is wiling out at the dance. The Morphy Boys want pills and medicine. People that are tortured always tell the truth. Everyone makes fun of Tyler for not having an appendix. The Animorphs do Fish Tube 2: Electric Boogaloo. Video games are stupid. Thank you for laughing at my pain. Cassie has to do a surgery. All the Animorphs are getting sick. Cassie has to make hard decisions. This is her worst nightmare. She kills it. Once you do your job, it’s time to remove your knob. Nate then makes Tyler put snail goo on his face. Cassie takes on Visser 3 by herself. She saves her friend. Then it’s alien brain surgery time.

Glassy eyed zoomer philosopher Buongi (@mattbuongi) joins the Morphy Boys for some frank talk about kids morphin into cows. We dive deep into the works of the ghostwriter. Spoiler alert: she wrote some great harlequin novels, hell yeah horny team. Tyler jumps right into his love of soap operas. None of us have aspirations. Yikes. Marco gets mad that Tobias and Ax aren’t watching edgelord shows like Buffy and Party of Five. Kids these days be talkin to too many trucks. Buongi does some great Seinfeld work. Buongi also wows us with some chimp facts. The Animorphs reach a new stupid with their seagull truck chimp heist. We should honk and woooo more often. Visser 3 gets caked in product. The Boys yak about the ethics of testing things on animals and factory farming. Then Soup Can (@DivineSoupCan) provides cow facts which destroy us. The Knackerman is coming. We all consider what society’s consumption of meat means for us on an individual level. It’s all tricky. Then the book bums us out with its stupid libertarian ending. We end by playing a game of Who Said It?: Patrick Bateman or Kathy Apples.

Animorphing Time goes international with British envoy and ska punk badass, Greg (@the_rascal_king). The Morphy Boys are on one too. Tyler is gonna solve the Israel problem. We take a hard stance that every place that’s taken a place should give that place back. If you get a new Animorphs book every month for years, it’s safe to say you’re not a sports kid. None of us were sports kids. Sometimes beauty is just human skin and eyes. That’s what Titty has. Nate is here to speak for women. Greg is just built differently. There’s some language issues in the British Animorphs books. Can someone explain teletubbies to us? 90s kids LOVE Newt Gingrich! This book makes the strongest case that Kathy Apples never did real drugs. Rachel wants to crush herself into a pure warrior. Then we meet the best character in a fat minute— The Drode.

You. Yes, you, are a skeleton. It’s right there. Morphy Boys here, and we’re joined by Derek (@seraph1337) to discuss Animorphs 26. Nate starts the show by thanking essential workers. Then he shows how much his brain is like Adam Carrolla’s by inventing Wine for Men. We all agree it’s a bad idea. Tyler has never seen a Shrek movie. And he won’t. Don’t ask. Derek’s kids have bad assemblies. We will beat up anyone who bullies you. Do crimes. Do whatever you want. Don’t name your kid Crayak. Two gamers are tearing up the galaxy and that’s some kids problem I guess. Tyler has no hope. This snoop dawg wine has Tyler’s chemicals up. The howlers are big and strong. The Animorphs meet a real Satan and not the sexy Lil Nas X Satan. The Fran Drescher Defender shows up. The iskoort are some annoying little neoliberal turds with libertarian tendencies. We want Erek to go be a peasant. Shut up, hipster nerd. Is it Hugh Jackman or Huge Ack Man. Tiger facts are something else. The Animorphs get absolutely washed by a howler. Erek is a jerk still. The Boys talk about how equivocating fake evil with real evil and how doing so lessens the impact of real life evil. The Bots debate the ethics of a “servant culture” (hint: it’s bad). Animorphs win, that’s a bingo. This is the first Animorphs book we’ve read that gets an F. No Visser 3? That’s a bad book!

This is an Animorphs podcast. Today the Morphy Boys are joined by Thea Ward (@theoroosevelt83) to discuss book 25, the Marco ice book. We start by detailing our complicated early bonds. Some dark souls talk. Nate is a Freddy Krueger apologist for some reason. We jump right into Marco’s issues. He’s got big sub energy. The Animorphs Last Starfighter it in this one, y’all. You shouldn’t trust people with pools. Tyler reveals what he knows the most about and it’s not what you think. You have to dog down hard. This is the episode in which we normalize hemorrhoids. We’re all bitches to Nate. The venber show up and do a biathlon. Thea wants you to be a communist. Tyler has guilt. Nate learns the shocking truth about Dr Ben Carson. Hi Sam and Aera! Nate is afraid of being killed by a seal. The Animorphs get bleak, watch a genocide. Usual kids book stuff.

Today the Morphy Boys tackle the helmacrons with podcaster, activist, and all around cool dude Tony Boswell (@wordisbond). Tony had no history with Animorphs and thought about cheating and not reading the book but Kathy Apples pulled him back in. We’re all ashamed to admit that we kinda like Rick and Morty because the worst people on the planet have co-opted it. “Only dumb kids read Animorphs,” says Nate. Quarantine has not been kind to our bodies. Tony and Tyler try to make Nate feel good about his body before summer arrives. Tyler wants to come in Romulans and NOT go to Goodwill. Nate shows off his shelf of an ass on the podcast for Tony. Tony and the Morphy Boys do some race science but they’re still good guys. Tony outlines the perfect system of government. Bugs are the size of Walmarts and KMarts. Just bros swallowing bros. Marco starts a Men’s Rights movement in the helmacrons. You hate to see it. The lynchpin of every society is weak men. Listen to this crap already. Go listen to Tony’s podcast Minion Death Cult (@miniondeathcult) if you haven’t already. It rules. Remember: Kids these days don’t have good size fiction.