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"Kira explains to Jess that she is a guest and Abby has no obligation to tell her anything. Again Kira, the balls! They're THIS big! They're ginormous." On the second half of "JoJo with a BowBow", things between Kira and Jess are already heating up and the OG moms aren't taking either of their presence all that well either. What's funny is that those OG moms don't yet know they're going to be stuck with them. Gonna be a fun few seasons!

The group dance number, Something to Believe In, continues to be an adventure in questionable taste with JoJo dressed up as a Muslim, Kalani Hindu, etc... The moms are a little apprehensive about the material but ultimately back Abby up, though the results don't give us personally "something to believe in". But while the moms have to contend with Abby's choices, Abby herself does not and opts to head to New York instead of joining the team at competition. Of course she has to go for her court date, but since Abby kept putting off attending her actual dates it's anyones guess as to why she didn't just skip this one. Well not exactly, since Abby does manage to show up after missing most of the team's performances, much to the mom's annoyance.

But the only thing that might annoy them more than Abby is each other. Jess and Kira start fighting it out for what they see as an open spot on the team, though Abby has yet to promise them anything concrete. At the very least from being able to watch Dance Moms prior, Jess and Kira know not to pick their fights with Abby, and it may just take them farther than anyone yet realizes.

Quotes

• “The whole universe feels off. My phone won't work, my internet won't work, just like my brain doesn't work!" (03:07-03:12 | Christi)
• “I'm telling you Jill is saying bring back those two other bitches. See they didn't know what they were missing! At least we were funny." (25:48-25:55 | Christi & Kelly)
• “Do you think Abby got paid everytime she said the word Maddie? Wouldn't that be nice!" (28:57-29:01 | Christi & Kelly)
• “This is why it isn't shown. Thank you Lifetime, for once again saving them from themselves." (1:11:17-1:11:22 | Christi)

Links

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"Jess came in and saw all those moms not willing to fight, and decided I'm going to fight so I get a permanent spot." Well you can't argue with results! Yes it's a big week because not only are Christi and Kelly finally in the clear from being mentioned on the show (the one perk of Abby insisting no one get free promotion), but their replacement has arrived in the form of Jessalyn and Jojo Siwa. Yes if Christi didn't leave you wouldn't have Jojo, you're welcome! But since our lovely Bitches barely even know the Siwas personally, what will they make of them?

Maddie is out in LA performing with Sia this week, so Jojo is brought in to fill out the team, though only for the week as Maddie is irreplaceable. Jessalyn however immediately goes on the offensive against the other moms, positioning Jojo to be a permanent member. The other moms scoff, but Jessalyn quickly gets her way regardless, securing a solo for Jojo and having the choreography changed to fit her strengths.

Will the ALDC manage to sort out their differences before making the jump to LA in just a matter of weeks?

Quotes

• “I love this episode of Dance Moms because I didn't hear the word 'Christi' one time." (06:07-06:12 | Christi)
• “Abby says it shows diversity in religion. I gasped, clutched my pearls and buckled up because I can only imagine how wrong we're going to get this." (25:18-25:30 | Christi & Kelly)
• “Basically the Producers said that was a good schtick last season, let's do it again!" (26:16-26:21 | Christi)
• “Now to be clear this is Jill's lot in life. I've never met anyone who questions people more." (32:47-32:52 | Christi)

Links

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"Because this was the second week they were filming, I probably had 700 voicemails minimum from the network." If the Productions calls to Christi are any indication of how things are going on in the second half of "Abby Got Served", it's not good! As the ALDC heads to Detroit for Energy Dance, they're not only up against Jeanette and Ava who are looking for payback, they're struggling openly with Abby's continued disrespect of her own team.

At the competition Abby and Jeanette are almost immediately at each other's throats, first with Abby rebuffing JC Broadway Dance Academy's greeting and then with Jeanette unsuccessfully attempting to make peace with Abby before things get underway. Instead Abby breaks the cardinal rule of going backstage to keep an eye on Jeanette and eventually starts taunting Ava. This brings out Energy Dance head Gina who gets into it with Abby over her unprofessionalism.

Not to be outdone, Holly also gets into a major fight with Abby. Holly addresses the photoshoot issue from earlier in the week directly to Abby, and Abby begins to insinuate that Nia needs her more than she needs Nia. But a line was clearly crossed and Holly becomes more angry than we've ever seen on the show to date.

At the very least the girls put on an incredible showcase this week with their performance of Stomp the Yard. Somehow despite a truly weird gimmick and much hand wringing over how bad the jumpsuits were, it's arguably one of the best dances in ALDC history! And hey, not only do we get no more Christi and Kelly flack next episode, it's also Jojo's ALDC debut next week! Things might not be looking good at the ALDC, but they're looking better at the Barre!

Quotes

• “I did talk to one 3D person this week. Well that's good." (02:35-02:39 | Christi & Kelly)
• “Please don't take anything I say as medical advice. Please consult WebMD like a good person." (10:26-10:32 | Christi)
• “When people ask me if there was anything nice, yes. When Chloe was three she was Abby's screensaver for a while, and then Broadway Baby replaced her, which is fine!" (29:08-29:15 | Christi & Kelly)
• “I've never known that woman to take the high road in my life. She's like hold on, is there a road that goes under? Like a sub-road that's underneatht he road itself? I wanna go on that road!" (54:09-54:22 | Christi)

Links

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"Maybe we need a new thing. When Abby contradicts herself you drink. When NOTHING makes any sort of sense now you drink as well. You will be hammered." While Christi might be setting some of you up for alcohol poisoning with that one, It's undeniably true that things at the ALDC are starting to fray at the seams and Abby is becoming increasingly incomprehensible as "Abby Got Served" gets underway.

Abby is served Paige's lawsuit, throwing the ALDC into a panic. Abby gathers the team off-camera to discuss how to handle the situation. The crew in-turn tries to make the most of the situation. Without Christi and Kelly present to fuel drama, the show can just focus on Paige's lawsuit until Abby finds actual drama elsewhere! Speaking of drama: Kalani's reintroduction to the team is off to a rocky start as she shows up late for her first day back. Does she get shouted at for such a blunder? Of course not! Instead she is rewarded with Top of the Pyramid. The moms are rightfully upset by the unfair double standards, but worry upsetting Abby at this moment will only make things worse for themselves. Though with a questionable Orange is the New Black inspired group number, how much worse can it really get?

Abby insists the girls receive new headshots for LA. Though time for the photoshoot is limited, Abby instructs the photographer to prioritize Kalani and the Zieglers as they're the only ones "who are going to get jobs". Jill overhears this and it only worsens the mom's frustrations with their new direction. Why are they going to LA if they're just going to continue to be jostled around by Abby's whims? Abby does begrudgingly allow more time for the girls who got short changed by the situation but the stress of the photoshoot, LA move, and lawsuit are all starting to pile up.

Quotes

• “I'm sitting there thinking to myself, 'Oh my god my daughter is teaching me how to read.' Like this is pretty sad!'" (03:24-03:31 | Kelly)
• “When I did my Instagram post where I told everybody that I had been diagnosed later in my life with ADHD, somebody wrote on the comments: Yeah I could have told you that after the first episode of Dance Moms. You and Kelly both!" (04:20-04:31 | Christi)
• “I got some exciting news! Is it a dead bird?" (12:32-12:365| Christi & Kelly)
• “I don't think there's anything pretty about a prop." (42:09-42:11 | Christi)

Links

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"God forbid we support each other," says Christi, and on the second half of the Season 5 premiere it's hard not to miss the heydays when the moms at least had each other to lean on. Now that Abby has to attend court to deal with Paige's lawsuit, everyone at the ALDC is scrambling in a panic over what might happen. Things start to get dicier when the ALDC discovers Christi is also attending the trial to support Kelly.

The moms are upset with what they see as an attempt by Christi to try and bring down the TV show itself, though if any of them had reached out before the show's taping maybe they could have cleared the air and understood that she just wanted out of her contract. But regardless of that, Abby certainly was never going to be so generous with her reading of the situation and goes on a full offensive against both Christi and Kelly. Abby's frustrations begins to bleed over into her normal routine as she starts berating even Maddie and Mackenzie for their posture. For Christi it's perhaps one of the most shocking things she's ever seen on the show, the vibes at the ALDC are certainly shifting.

Abby finds solace at Sheer Talent, which back her claims of being attacked and hands the ALDC some victories she does have a stake in it after all). It's a great early season showing from the team despite some very substandard dances. Kalani is even forced to wear heels for her number, something originally meant to be a hurdle for Chloe, but pulls it all together for the most points out of the whole team. Though the circus themed Freak Show group number leaves a lot to be desired, it still manages to put the team back ontop.

Quotes

• “You don't even have to drink because she's wearing a headband, drink because she's not wearing ALDC merch!" (21:36-21:40 | Christi)
• “Oh my god you know I can't win or lose. If I don't retweet it then I'm not your friend, but if I do retweet it I'm against everyone else. So whatever." (25:19-25:29 | Kelly)
• “Across the street from the courthouse there was a bagel truck that I got the best bagel I've ever had that I still think about once a month. I can go back to court you know and we can get another bagel!" (35:22-35:36 | Christi & Kelly)
• “Mrs. Miller was like 85 and had cancer. I hardly think the negativity of the ALDC killed Mrs. Miller, but OK." (41:33-41:40 | Christi)

Links

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"Oh god you guys. I hope next week we're back to fun, cause we're just mad!" exclaims Christi and if you needed any indication how serious the situation is, we only managed to cover the first half of "99 Problems but a Mom Ain't One" on this episode. Two hours of recording and there was just so much behind the scenes drama, so many painful memories and so much tea to dish out that one episode simply couldn't contain it all. Christi and Kelly knew it would be rough, but knowing is only half the battle.

Season 5 kicks off with Pyramid, and Christi and Chloe are nowhere to be found at the ALDC (shocking I know). Abby starts to push the narrative that if Christi simply would apologize for her "behavior" then all of this drama could have been avoided (sure Jan) and the moms vocalize their annoyance with Christi, claiming she's being selfish and putting her needs above everyone else. The real problem for Production is their entire planned storyline for the Season has to be scrapped on the spot and they must quickly find a new angle to set up the season's story arcs.

Abby invites Kalani back to fill the gap in the team left behind by Chloe. Holly steps-up to help Nia prep for he solo, taking over Christi's potential LA-based storyline. And with no Christi to target, the Zeglers start to take some heat from Abby in her absence.

Quotes

• “I would like to speak to the manager whoever said when Season 5 starts we''re gonna have a lot more fun. This episodes... that's why I'm drinking." (04:47-04:56 | Christi & Kelly)
• “Oh my god, the subliminal messaging is out of control." (34:33-34:35 | Christi)
• “The song is written and recorded y the daughter of one of Abby's friends, so Abby expects her to do it justice. Oh, that's so funny that I say that because I actually wrote I HATE THIS SONG! I didn't know that when I wrote the song!" (50:32-50:46 | Christi)
• “I'm glad I didn't go back, I would have been arrested. You should've, we could have been twinies!" (51:17-51:23 | Christi & Kelly)

Links

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"We always get s**t on but I would like a thank you because we did some hard heavy lifting. So how about a thank you? I would also like to not be crazy, but you know it's fine." Well Christi we can't help but love the crazy, it's part of the complete package!

Season 4 was a rough run for Bitch #1 and Bitch #2, so before we move onto Season 5 next week we wanted to take a breather and answer some of your questions you asked us over on our Patreon! Questions include: Which mom had it hardest? Who was the funniest off-camera mom? And were they paid when they weren't on camera?

And most importantly Christi tries (and fails) to explain 67 to Kelly!

Quotes

• “I don't know if any of us [moms] truly take accountability for a lot of our actions." (02:43-02:49 | Christi)
• “I'm very aggravated that you put that on social media about my body count. Oh my god Kelly, we got more new subscribers and patrons from that than any post we've ever made in our lives. " (08:47-09:01 | Christi & Kelly)
• “I think sometimes the opportunities Chloe got ended up being to her detriment because the show would give the opportunities and then that would piss Abby off." (25:16-25:26 | Christi)
• “Paige is in the episode. I don't know if she was paid. My god they could have spared the $1.50!" (29:38-29:45 | Christi and Kelly)

Links

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"This is the Season 4 pre-Reunion. They just look for new ways to torment us at all times."

What's up Bitchettes! Before we get the ball rolling on Season 5 we thought it would be fun to leave no stone unturned and revisit Season's 4 lost episode, "Guess Who's Coming to the Dance" aka the second Season 3 reunion? Yes this episode technically aired as as part of Season 4, but it's ostensibly just another reunion where the only new things we discussed were the revelations from the previous reunion. Did production just need a refresher for the audience, or do they just really hate the moms that much?

Well at the very least it's another episode with both Christi and Kelly present, and you we won't be seeing much of them for a while!

So join us as we look back at a time when there was still hope for the future. Perhaps hope is a strong word, but they didn't know how bad things could possibly get.

Quotes

• “I'm very humbled, thank you for that." (23:16-23:18 | Christi)
• “You sent in a blurry picture to audition for a TV show! Hey, they hired me didn't they? They did hire you. They liked my meaness. they liked your blur." (24:15-24:26 | Christi & Kelly)
• “The more I sit back and think about it, and this is a lot to unpack, I think I wanted Abby's approval." (24:45-24:53 | Christi)
• “So now Jill changes the subject from Melissa's dick. Thank god!" (1:10:44-1:10:50 | Christi and Kelly)

Links

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"The last episode we did was really heavy, and this one is not going to be easy for me. It is for me!" jokes Kelly, but for Christi it really is one last rough plunge. While Kelly gets to sit out the Season 4 Reunion "Playing Favorites", Christi wasn't so lucky. At least she didn't have to go first this time! But it is officially Christi's last episode until Season 7, so there's a lot to unpack.

Jeff Collins is back and as frustrating as ever, backing Abby up whenever possible and changing the subject if it looks like things might get dicey. Special attention is given to Maddie on this recap since she's still riding high off the success of Chandelier, and her second Sia video is in the process of being prepped. But the moms take issue with Melissa's backhanded dealings to get Maddie ahead, even at the cost of Mackenzie. But Melissa can't admit she might be wrong as she's only looking out for her own kids, despite the fact that all the moms would stick their neck out for each other's child.

Holly takes Abby to task for how she treats Nia and her odious teaching methods. Meanwhile the Select team airs their grievances over what they see as a lack of good choreography when it comes to standing a chance competitions, realizing finally what the OG moms had warned them about.

Quotes

• “Can I borrow your get your finger out of my face dress? For what, Halloween?!? No, and not my wig either. OH MY GOD, I forgot you had a wig. Kelly let me borrow both! No! I hate you!" (17:18-17:34 | Christi & Kelly)
• “I thought that [whiteboard] experiment would have opened Abby's eyes a little bit. No. Kelly she has her eyes slammed shut. She has them glued with E6000 and she's wearing a sleep mask. She doesn't want her eyes open." (39:39-39:56 | Christi & Kelly)
• “Last week when Abby said that about [Chloe's] eye, they did not write that in the field notes. They're protecting her even in field notes." (43:55-44:01 | Christi)
• “The moms on the original team argued with each other, but we never got physical. Ok except for me and Leslie, but that doens't count because it wasn't someone on the team. " (1:15:14-1:15:09 | Christi and Kelly)

Links

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"I was the Supervising Producer. That was my official title, but I was also unofficially Abby Lee Miller's rodeo clown."

Kelly is going be taking a break this week, so in her place we have Replacement Bitch #2: Erin! Erin was a Supervising Producer on Season 4 of Dance Moms and if you thought Annie had some piping hot tea, Erin's has a lot more to spill. As one of her primary duties was interviewing Abby for the show, Erin found herself on the receiving end of Abby's ire on more than a few occasions. So what are Erin's spicy-Abby takes, and how did she go about getting what she wanted out of Abby? Tune-in to find out!

Quotes

• “I walked in and Patience is like, 'Oh, is this the new girl?' And I'm like oh hi, I just got here. And she's like, 'Welcome to Hell.'" (07:27-07:36 | Erin)
• “Oh no! Not the 'call my mom first'!" (15:07-15:10 | Christi)
• “Somebody feed this bitch a burger! Because you're mean and I'm trying to be funny with you, but you're hungry." (40:03-40:09 | Christi)
• “If you guys shot, after Abby went to jail, a jailhouse dance would have been incredible." (46:14-46:20 | Erin)

Links

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