Trump patrols the streets of D.C. with the military and celebrates “law and order” with a Shake Shack run. Meanwhile, the Vice President launches a crackdown on sunlight, banning “Solar” in all-caps, and Kamala Harris embarks on a 15-city book tour that somehow includes London. Also: the State Department decides to re-vet 55 million visa holders just in case, and no, you still haven’t heard about the Epstein Files.

Trump wants to paint the border wall black because it gets hot—just like science says—and Jack White has thoughts about the new Oval Office, which now resembles a pro wrestler’s dressing room designed by Liberace. Meanwhile, Delta and United are being sued for selling “window seats” that don’t come with actual windows. It’s a big week for style over substance, beige walls over actual views, and gold over good taste.

From Washington, where even the planes are lying to you, this is Ballot.

Donald Trump is furious that museums dare to talk about slavery, calling the Smithsonian “OUT OF CONTROL” and demanding more exhibits about “Success” and “Brightness.” Meanwhile, Oklahoma unveils a fifty-question anti-woke purity test for teachers that was cooked up by PragerU—because nothing says academic rigor like a quiz your uncle found on Facebook.
Also: why Trump’s idea of “helping” Ukraine is basically cheerleading from 30,000 feet, and how one multiple-choice test thinks “In God We Trust” is in the Constitution. It’s a real day in America, folks.

President Trump welcomes Ukrainian President Zelensky and top European leaders to the White House in a flashy attempt at diplomacy—no yelling this time! Trump pitches a Putin-Zelensky-Trump summit while Europe floats “Article Five-like” promises no one can define. Plus: Trump’s awkward Nobel Prize cold-call to Norway, and MSNBC’s wild corporate rebrand to “MS NOW.” Is peace on the table or just another TV special? And did someone say… Epstein files? All that and more, on Ballot.

British Foreign Secretary David Lammy and U.S. Vice President JD Vance got busted for fishing without licenses, sparking fines and a very “chummy” press conference. Vance’s trip got worse: he was rejected by a Michelin-rated pub, faced a protest called “Dance Against Vance,” and ended up retreating to Trump’s Turnberry golf course. Meanwhile, Trump celebrated Social Security’s 90th anniversary by calling Elizabeth Warren a “nutjob” who needs a drug test, while bragging about kicking 275,000 “illegal aliens” off Social Security.

Donald Trump is heading to Alaska for his first sit-down with Vladimir Putin since 2018, pitching himself as a diplomatic wedding planner while promising peace talks with Zelensky. Meanwhile, Trump mobilizes the National Guard for “community beautification” patrols in D.C.—because nothing says law and order like soldiers with leaf blowers. And in the culture wars, Taylor Swift’s appearance on Travis Kelce’s podcast breaks YouTube, leaving Trump fuming about podcast ratings.

Trump wants a ballroom that would make Gatsby jealous, RFK Jr. torches half a billion in pandemic preparedness, and 2,300 Hollywood writers—from Spike Lee to John Waters—sign an open letter taking direct aim at the President.

The White House tries to bury Epstein questions with denim ads starring Sydney Sweeney. Ghislaine Maxwell scores a cushy prison transfer, and Trump banishes Obama’s portrait to the political attic.

When the President takes over a city’s police force, feuds with California’s governor over tacos, and still won’t release the Epstein files, you know it’s going to be a weird week. Plus, Harvard scientists officially ruin french fries.

President Trump and Vladimir Putin plan an Alaska meeting to “end” the Ukraine war—without inviting Ukraine. Plus, Trump’s new AI chatbot calls January 6 an “insurrection” and fact-checks its own boss, and D.C.’s homeless get told to move “FAR from the Capital.”

None of that distracts us from the Epstein Files.  Release them.