If early on in a relationship, I'm projecting onto someone my fantasies of their potential, obviously they can not live up to my fantasies and now not really realizing my mistake, my mind is creating negative stories to explain the issue, the contradiction from what I thought he was and the reality of his behavior , it was all 'me'. He doesn't like me. I'm not his type. My mind falls down a tracking hole to make this thought true. This projecting is what I am on the inside. Me. I project onto others my image of me. So why not now just project "love"? Project love onto him, since it's just me any way?!

And projection. What if this is the paradox of how we get us to see ourselves in others. 

More jumbled thoughts....

while in utero my cells knew how to create my body and how to be a body....my mind, who ef are these thoughts to come into play trying talk down to my body...my body, is perfect as is I don't need my thoughts to say whether it is or not 'good' nor need outside agency to give me their 'thoughts'...maybe my body listening to their body is all I need to know. Presence. Being in body is all I want.

Thanks for being here...been a rough week for me. I'm just trying to give myself some space and compassion for being a human with stories mostly painful stories when I just want to be love- give and receive with all of my senses and my being. 

Calm yummy warm place so please just sit with me, be here now with your full presence. 

Instead of radical acceptance, accept things and the moment with tenderness. How does that feel for you? What is that like for you? Are you at rest or suffering? Can you close the gap between your thought and the feeling in your body? How about showing up in the experience through your body, leaving that thought?

It takes zero work to just arrive and be here now. Presence, is free and easy to do, just arrive! 

Even if the waters are turbulent as long as I'm not straining and fighting it, my calm blue floating flower will continue to float. 

Thanks for being here!

Risk. Without it there is no reward. 

I've been scarring my heart, not breaking it but enlarging it. Another, what I thought was a good connection, ghosted. I am in my feelings, cried and may cry some more, but I laugh because I am seeing a pattern. So going out of town is code for gonna get ghosted?! Well booooooooo. Also red flags, deep heavy connections over the weekend? May mean partner is out of town and need an ego stroke. 

I'm here in my meat suit for connections, for love. To give and receive. Is my being on the spectrum leaving me gullible and vulnerable? I won't have it any other way. I'm bound to get a hit, for another to pick up what I put down! It's not the outcome it's the journey. I will enjoy my future romantic partner all that much more because of all these missed connections!

Then because I'm in my feelings and music moves me...I decided I sing. Eagles. Wasted Time... 

I have a P.O. Box too! If you listen to me singing I may give it out! I would love to get letters!

My olfactory hallucination inflamed due to accidental empathic connection; but realize it was for my awareness. My identity destabilizing as I recognized a core of limiting belief within me.

My "back dates" where I meet with others to sit back to back, exploring connections, I am going to sit with myself now. I am with stronger awareness my need to sit outside of myself to have others help heal me and to distract me from upcoming heavy shifting. Ego is afraid.

What happens to sexual space where I love to play and use for my mind breaks to try to connect with my body if I take a break. Ego is afraid.

Am I broken.

Am I lacking.

Am I enough.

I include a prayer that came to me during a meditation..

and then a nod to my silly sexual self...because of my laugh and if this is the end of a chapter, I want to end on a high!  :)

Thanks for being here. 

Woke up and ...don't judge, but Taylor Swift's song "Out of The Woods" was playing in my mind. 

"Remember when we couldn't take the heat?

My mentor mentioned to me he wants me to experience love and asked what am I looking for. I said I'm open to it, the person has to be able to hold enough space for me to expand and available for sacred sex.

My explanation of sacred sex included.

I love being held and hold another for 3 breath hugs!

I am excited for lazy mornings sleeping in with my lover (when we sometimes have sleep overs), reading self help books in bed, a cuddle then some vanilla or sacred sex then later doing chores near each other while our auras are touching.

 Until then, I'm enjoying my days making beautiful meaningful connections...

Let's bump auras together!