Sick and play partner is gone. I have been in my space in head not in body. Binged on fet/porn. Good relationships cause friction for self reflection. Found a funny pre-play session almost cancelled I wasn't feeling pretty. I'd like to do nonsexual activities with my sex. Also I read Patton Oswalt's nonsense. Hilarious. My thoughts hopped up on nyquil. Just need to cry and cum- crum. Oy.

This is by far a very raw and embarrassing recording. 

Processing my internal dialogue regarding an orgasm I just had. A 40 minute climb and release. I experienced a few after shocks 6 minutes after. 

Not focusing on the outcome of an orgasm, being with the body, my body, as I scan from toe to head to observe what sensations I experience on the way up to an orgasm. 

I sobbed as I will often do when fully connected to presence. I use different emotions, including anger, to bring me close to the hook of inertia towards my peak of orgasm. I will use romantic vanilla viewed fantasies to slow the progression, to ride out and lengthen the back end of my orgasm longer. 

I experienced joy and sadness as one emotion topped with a deep knowing love.

Gätê Gätê Pärägätê Päräsämgätê Bodhi Svähä (I'm certain I accidentally omitted päragätê)

Gone gone way beyond further still- awareness enlightenment.

Summa Iru- just be

How will you show up today within the human experience regarding people, pets/animals and the planet today?

Observe what makes laugh.

Do one thing today that makes your heart smile.

Until the flip.

***

Drop me a postcard!

PO BOX 1407

Lake Stevens, WA 98258

Not outright Autistic- cried but yet would've cried had I received the full diagnosis.

Neurodivergent- yes. I cried. Still am. My nervous system is hypersensitive. I suspected I was mostly anxious with avoidance tendencies. A professional suggests otherwise and that I am actually avoidant- dependent. Seems to be the worse combination of personality/attachment style a person can have, a personal hell. To fear people but seem to be dependent on them because I can't rely on myself? Seems my desire for a D/s dynamic makes sense. Keep it D/s as in role playing so it's all fantasy based pretend and no one like myself gets hurt. And need for a dominant is to seem dependent on someone, I release my avoidant self because it's part of the game. I will have to examine this further another time.  

Positive is I have a high openness to experiences. 

My glorious tics- my body's way of releasing a burst of energy. 

Research is still in infancy regarding female gender and autistic traits. 

Fractured human- rapid descent of becoming undone

Side note I did take myself to urgent care for intervention.

"Always felt that there'd be trouble

I'm flailing in fear. Gripping onto grass to help keep my ass grounded. I'm scared being awake not knowing how to live in a world I no longer want to be part of, the template. I don't know how to live and survive not being on that path. 

Fighting against medication that will leave me sexually dead inside but also comatose leaving me vulnerable of giving up and return to the template. I'm scared. I don't have a tribe. I'm having difficulty finding my voice from my future telling me to hold on, that this is one moment of many moments and from where she stands those great moments, after this, are really good; to just be here now in this one moment even with it's darkness. To be with this fear and to paraphrase Eckart Tolle, to act like I chose this moment. 

I would enjoy messages of encouragement, yet I am not feeling safe with my sexual side, so please refrain from sending sexually explicit material at this time. I would love a handwritten letter or even a postcard! I may write back or make a mention~

PO BOX 1407

email:

[email protected]

Thank you for being here.

Woke up with hot flashes. Menopause onset is happening. I have fears this is the last of my sexual self. I am changing my idea about not nesting with my sex. I would like the end of my life spent nesting with my partner I had great sex with; I would love my last winter days spent living closely with my lover. Doesn't mean right now though. 

Good thing about menopause, is that without the biological drive for sex to procreate this exploration with sex will be more about connections to self, to another, and finding astra'gasms. 

Played last night with him. Blindfolded. He had my hands tied behind back and placed in the back seat of his car. Running car. We actually left and he took me to another location....A new location, indoors, possibly his place. I was disconnected because a new environment and blindfolded. Nervous. Until I hear the familiar clicks of his zipper on his pants...his scent....and my nervousness, fears fall away to a calm, excited state.